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The OM threatened you (getting close and into your face qualifies) and you defended yourself.

I am sorry you have caught you wife cheating. It sucks. Life will be disfficult for some time. Offer your daughters counseling if they want it.

Kudos for keeping it together. It sucks, but it served you well. I wish you the best in whatever direction you choose to go.

You acted on impulse. It is not wise. The OM is strange. He is acting like his domain is encroached. Do not interact with him like you did. Nothing good come out of it. Do not involve your daughters with him. At least your WW is regretting/showing remorse. Although Dday is today this has been going on for sometime.Get in to what happened in a calm manner. You have lot of other things to take care of. Acting emotionally you are playing in to the hands of this unstable/controlling guy. Do not be aggressive with WW. Whatever happened has happen. Hope she has not gone far emotionally and physically. You suffered the first time you got to know it. Do not let it traumatize you again and again. Otherwise you are the one who lose.You are on your own now. Pay even more attention to your other things like job and kids and other family matters, both as way of keeping your mind active and also as a distraction from this bad situation.

Better to give the phone back to WW. If she is in fog and rooting for the affair she can report you to police for abuse

[This message edited by goalong at 5:05 AM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Dan, I am so sorry that it turned out this way. Please do not do what I did and confront before pulling all evidence to a separate place like a flash drive or at the very least to your email. Change your email password immediately as well as your phone.

DO NOT under any circumstances let your BIL have her phone. He may be "on your side" right now but his wife is gonna start putting heat on him once your WW calms down and gets her lies about you in order. You hand him the phone and that data will be gone faster than OM's eye swelled up.

She is going to tell her you have a bad temper and, while we all pumped our fists in the air when you wrote that you clocked frenchie , this will be evidence of your "bad temper".

Hopefully you get some rest before you have to deal with her in person. If at all possible, take everyone's advice and have a witness at the house when she comes back whether it's to talk or collect her crap and get out.

EVERYONE here is rooting for you Dan. We are all behind you and will, to the best of our abilities answer any questions you may have. My WW's EA is still relatively fresh, but others here have been in this for a long time and know what questions to ask both of YOU and WW. Stay strong.

Dr Fone time. It’ll clear everything up 100% and provide a complete barrier against trickle truth.

Hi, Dan, I am sorry you found out this truth, but consider you don't have the full extent of the truth at this point, and it is highly likely that your wife will lie and deny, all cheaters do. She will tell you ONLY what you have evidence of.

You need to remain calm. Please don't involve your daughters in this mess, your family will forever be changed, and even though they are older, understand their lives are going to be turned upside down as well.

She is more than likely feeding her sister and your BIL half truths.

I know it is a bit early to think about, but your wife will be going to work on Monday and this POS will be there. She can no longer work with him. Period. Non-negotiable.

Stay strong, we have your back.

BIL just text and said she was hysterical and wants to know what happened with me and her BF?

DaninOH

Why can’t your wife tell BIL what happened to her BF? I’m sure she hasn’t lost BF’s contact information and can find out what happened directly from BF.

Don’t text anything to anyone you don’t want to show up in court.

Your wife basically made a date with her BF and tried to dump you to clear the deck. BF was upset that you intruded upon their date.

Sooner or later your wife will try to make herself and BF the victims because of your actions at the party. Shut that down right away.

The OM mustn’t be well psychologically. He is not OK in the head. His actions at the party were bizarre. The mere fact he was angry with YOU is hilarious. Or was he angry with your wife? Probably both of you for ruining his night. How dare you spoil his night! How dare you, the husband of the woman he is having an affair with, spoil his fun! What a stupid bastard he is.

[This message edited by Mene at 7:31 AM, December 15th (Saturday)]

Wow, if every one of us could have been like you Dan. DAMN. This thread is crazy, the entire collective wisdom of SI is behind you here. You're doing pretty well. Just stay calm, don't get angry in your interactions and remember everything that you text or email right now is admissible in court.

What a shitty situation but you're so far ahead of most of us when we found out. Keep it together.

Sorry it's played out this way and you're in this cluster F.

The first thing you need to do this morning is to back up the proof you have thus far from her phone (as others have pointed out). Take pictures with your phone of the proof on her phone and also send it to your email and get it onto a flash drive and make sure you put this somewhere safe so that your wife can't find it.

Recover the deleted texts using Dr Fone for example. If you don't know how to do this there should be places in your area that can do this for you. Have all of the texts printed out and also stored on a flash drive and again stored someplace that your wife can't find.

Your wife is going to trickle truth and thus you have no idea what you're dealing with and how far this A has gone. The deleted info in that phone will help give you a clearer picture of what's transpired.

Do you have the charger to your wife's phone (or do you have the same phone and charger)? If not go buy one. Until you have recovered the info on the phone PLEASE make sure her phone is hidden (maybe out of the house and with a trusted friend) until you can do this.

Glad you found SI.

Please keep us updated. Praying for you and your family.

I am so sorry this happened.

I am betting she lied to the OM that you were not in her life. She thought she would go to the party without you. He may have been told you were separated or divorcing.

Now she has to figure out what lie to tell next.

My advice to you is to stay in a place of power. You know she lied and you know she is a cheater. The ball is in your court.

At least your WW is regretting/showing remorse.

Sorry, being hysterical and sobbing is regret, not remorse. Wondering what went on with the OM instead of the BS is not remorse. There is no way in hell that she has remorse at this stage of the game.

Dan, the first thing you need to do, like mentioned before, is to put the phone in airplane mode, or she can remotely wipe the phone. Then you're screwed in trying to recover any data from it. And keep it charged.

Oh, and Ohio is NOT an at fault state, so the courts don't really give a shit about affairs.

He was angry because, most likely, they had planned to spend the night together. Maybe he already had paid for the hotel.

The simplest explanation is usually the correct one.

—

Remember that whatever you do will be a lesson for your daughters on what to do and not to do in those situation. Take control, be calm and decisive.

Maybe he already had paid for the hotel.

If he's truly single like his FB profile indicates, why would he need to pay for a hotel? They would just go to his place.

He probably didn't like being cock-blocked. Or that he found out that Dan's WW was lying to him as well. Or both.

Dan, you really need to check the location data to see if she's already been spending time at his place instead of going to the gym. I fear this has been physical for longer than we think.

Dan, i'm just now catching up.

My heart sank when i saw how long the thread had gotten. I'm so sorry.

Just like Jameson said, i was praying that you were just seeing what you wanted to.

I am so sorry. Please pay attention to the advice given so far.

You'll make it through this. Be careful with what you share with your children. This is now there burden as well.

How old are they?

Stay strong. No more dotting amy eyes (although we all want to). Let's keep you out of jail.

Well, she finally called me this morning at 6am. She claims that the OM just started at her work last Monday Dec.3, and that he is an IT project manager based out of Montreal. He is scheduled to work with them through January. He also worked there for 3 months in 2017 before my W worked there.

She claims that he invited her to lunch on the second day he was there. They both love Thai food and he wanted to take her to his favorite spot. She says that while driving back (in HIS car), he put his hand on hers and held it all the way back. Thats when they started texting (records check out).

She says that they went to lunch again this past Monday and that he hand held her inner thigh as they drove to and from the restaurant. She admits to light sexting and says they he sent her a pic of his junk but that she never sent him any pics in return. She said that Tuesday when they were alone at work he kissed her on the lips and that she was caught off guard and not sure of how she felt about it. She says that she did not kiss back.

I told her that I didn't believe a F ing word that she says and that her phone will tell me everything that I need to know. She says that she was just being a dumb ass and can't explain why she was acting this way. I said that she was acting like a whore and not like the wife and mother that I knew.

She swears that she will do anything that I ask of her, to prove her love for our family. I told her to:

1. Write a no contact letter to OM.

2. Write a letter of resignation.

3. Write me a COMPLETE timeline of EVERY interaction with this guy.

4. Write my daughters an apology letter.

5. Write US an apology letter

6. Write her sister and my BIL an apology letter.

I told her that I will only talk to her about coming back after I have verified that every word that she writes is true. I have already contacted a PC repair shop that is open today and the guy said that he does this kind of work for a local PI service. I am dropping it of this morning but it won't be done until Monday.

Now for the good news: No police yet!

If he hasn't called the police by now he won't.

Did your wayward wife explain her plans with other man for the party? They had them. You don't get that attached by a couple of lunches together.

Her other man was upset for a reason. I suspect they had plans and you showing up foiled them.

Don't be shocked at what comes off her phone. She is desperate, in self preservation mode and will say and promise anything at this time.

add sit for a polygraph to your list.

I would hand deliver the no contact letter to the HR dept after your wife writes it. Do not let her send anything that you haven't proofed.

You are correct. She absolutely cannot work with him.

No contact must be permanent and absolute.

Good luck

Marz is correct.

You said she bought a new dress and she didn't want you to come to the party.

They had plans. If it wasn't physical it was going to be.

Cheaters lie and minimize. By now,she's already talked to the OM,and this is the story they've come up with.

Tell her she will also be taking a polygraph test. Then Google polygraph administrators in your area,and schedule her test. And follow through with her taking it.

If what she said was true, OM wouldn't have been angry. He would have stayed away from her at the party, or left. He was angry because shes told him you were abusive and she was divorcing you. And, most likely,they had plans to make this physical last night and you ruined it.

She also needs to be tested for STDs.