SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Right away I noticed this French Canadian guy Robert who I have heard my wife mention

When did she first mention this guy?

Dear DaninOH,

Please take good care of yourself and your girls.

Your wife affair partner is a PUNK, and you put him in his place. I believe he wanted to show your wife that he could intimidate you but kicked his A..

Your wife also realizes that you aren't going to take any stuff from her nor her AP. He will never attempt to press any charges against you because you destroyed his ego.

Your wife knew what was going on and she enjoyed it. She never expected you to go to the party nor confront her AP. You have proven to her and the AP that you are all MAN.

I want to personally thank you for standing up for your family and willing to go the limits to protect the dignity of your entire family

Best,

Bigheart

The affair started those three months in 2017. They kept in touch all this time; I bet mostly through work email. And that is something you have no access to. Does she have a work cell? Since 2017, I bet they "have lunch" every time he is in town. And last night was his night and you being there ruined it.

Respectfully, Dan says she didn’t even work there then. This is a relatively new job situation for her. She met him in December when he came to work there the second time.

If I may make a suggestion, tell your BIL you are taking the phone there by yourself. I may just tend to be overcautious, but a key piece of this story resides on that phone, and you are the only person who controls that phone now.

Yeah, I know there has to be a reason that this guy felt so entitled to my wife. When my BIL called this morning he said that he and his wife had checked out this guys facebook page and her sister could not believe that she would risk everything for that ugly douche. For now the only this that I will believe is what comes out of that phone.

[This message edited by DaninOH at 10:02 AM, December 15th (Saturday)]

I second what Happenedtome said. If your BIL Yvonne knows where you have taken the phone, and if this information gets back to your WW, she can take proof to the establishment or otherwise satisfy them that she is the owner of the phone and demand that they return it to her before anything can be done to extract the information from it. Keep the phone. Have the information downloaded, if possible, when no one else is around and have it done, if possible, in your own presence.

She says that they went to lunch again this past Monday and that he hand held her inner thigh as they drove to and from the restaurant. She admits to light sexting and says they he sent her a pic of his junk but that she never sent him any pics in return. She said that Tuesday when they were alone at work he kissed her on the lips and that she was caught off guard and not sure of how she felt about it. She says that she did not kiss back.

It's depressing how the minimization script is followed, time after time after time.

There is simply no planet in the observable universe where a hand just sits on the inner thigh of a potential conquest. It migrates upward until it finds its target or is forcibly removed.

Cheaters, it's bad enough that you cheat. At least come up with some new stories.

Yeah, you are getting some good things to keep your eye on. She is definitely minimizing her interest in him to protect herself. As GoldenR said, if he was being obnoxiously overprotective why would she want the sexy new dress. Saying she was being a dumbass is really minimizing what happened. He made overt advances, she did not slap him or discourage him, and then she set up secret communications with him afterwards. And of course she purchased the sexy dress to wear for him and discouraged you from going to the party. These are the most troublesome aspects of her behavior.

The phone recovery will tell you a lot of what you want to know. A poly is not a bad idea in this case. And if you are going to consider staying with her a post nup agreement if they are enforceable where you are. She will need serious IC to understand how she could go down this shitty path for ego kibbles and compliments. Strength to you moving forward.

[This message edited by fareast at 10:02 AM, December 15th (Saturday)]

You need to ask yourself some very tough questions.

You’ve received excellent advice here, as mentioned by other posters, ignore whatever she says and do not let any of it get it you.

However, it is possible that she was telling you the truth, and they have only “kissed”. Would you still be able to forgive her ?

If the relationship between your wife and OM has not resulted in a full blown PA, it was well on its way to being one. Assuming what she said is true, in 11 days she let a previously unknown coworker touch her inappropriately and kiss her. If it’s not a PA yet, who knows far or could have gone as long as he worked with your W for the next month or so ?

That you for the correction. I overlooked it.

She claims that the reason she didn't want me at the party was because he had grown protective of her in the last few days and was worried that he would act exactly like he did. She says that she will never see, speak, or contact him

WTF, you are her husband !!!!

What she's done is put her other man over you. Her actions tell you his wants trumped you, your marriage and ultimately your family. Hence, trying to keep you away all for him.

She was attracted to him, his advances, attention excited her for which she was willing to throw everything else away. Like most she didn't think you'd catch on.

Your bold, decisive and aggressive action got you out of infidelity quick.

With that said you still have a lot to think about. You may have never thought your wife would put you in this predicament. Make no mistake the capability is there. It is a part of who she is.

Take your time and think about what you want long term. Can you live with this? It's early so don't rush this part, offer R upfront or jump into marriage counciling (that can be a nightmare if you get a bad one). Everything and everyone is on your timeline.

If it were me once I got the full story I would fry other mans ass at his work. At least let them know what he is. Consequences are a good thing. I think it provides some closure. Your wife can never work around him again anyway so her job doesn't matter.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:07 AM, December 15th (Saturday)]

I’m not sure she will see it this way for a while, but someday your WW may just thank you for taking the actions you did the last 24 hours that may have just saved your marriage.

The further you let this go thru inaction would have made it more and more difficult to try for R. Even as it is her actions have caused serious damage and it will take a lot of work on her part to repair this over the next few years.

Even her relationship with your daughters will be changed forever and that will be a Sad thing for them.

Obvious something was missing inside your WW and she will need to start IC very soon to figure out what that was.

Don’t let up on the approach you are taking. It’s the best way to get thru all this one way or another.

If you can find the PM section here I will forward you a list I’ve collected of actions any remorseful WS should take if they are trying to heal their family and repair what they destroyed.

While it’s weird to say, we here are all proud of what you did to take control. Few BS are understandably able to do so. Good job.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:15 AM, December 15th (Saturday)]

I just want to say thanks to all of you who helped me get through the past 24hrs. I am not sure were I would be now without all of the great advise that you have all given. I appreciate the concern about my BIL, but I do trust him and even helped him get through a marriage scare a few years ago.

When my BIL called this morning he said that he and his wife had checked out this guys facebook page and her sister could not believe that she would risk everything for that ugly douche

You see this all the time but your wife picked him and allowed him in. That fact doesn't change.

Most men do not become "protective" of a woman they were only flirting with.

Does she realize what she said? She was afraid that her BF was going to protect his claim on her from her husband.

Just be careful Dan. Put yourself and your girls first. She is going to do everything possible for damage control even if she has to lie about it and drag your name through the mud.

I don’t think anybody here is buying her timeline.

Seriously, on the second day of meeting this dude your wife is out on a lunch date and holding hands?

I just want to say thanks to all of you who helped me get through the past 24hrs. I am not sure were I would be now without all of the great advise that you have all given.

You are the one that had to do it man. Not us.

You reacted swiftly. You don't realize how much more pain and suffering you avoided by your actions.

Take at least 3 months to cool down and enable yourself to make a long term rational decision before you decide to R or D.

Right now your wife believes she can save her marriage if she denies it was a PA. It's ok to tell your WW that it's not about EA vs PA but rather you can't live with a liar. And therefore if you had to decide today it would be D.

She must understand that if she's interested in staying married to you, then only her complete honesty regarding every detail will provide a basis to save the marriage.

Get yourself into IC.

See your doctor for sleeping and anxiety meds (eventually you will need the meds especially when you reach the 'why me' stage) .... have the entire family tested for STDs (kissing kids can transmit herpes).

It's been mentioned before but I repeat: Right now everyone seems to support you. However, your WW's family are absolutely loyal to her and will eventually rug sweep or minimize her behavior as harmless and try to guilt you ('if you really loved her you'd forgive' or it's best for the kids etc) into taking her back.

Neither her family (or anyone else) is entitled to an opinion as to whether you should R or D. It's entirely your decision.

Do not share details regarding the evidence with her family or the BIL. There advice/opinions are biased. Provide high level summary only but not enough for them to form their own opinion.

Unless you find photos or texts that actually confirms they had sex (vs sexting), your wife and her family will spin the texts as harmless fantasy.

And yes, I did back up her phone just in case. Actually, it MY PHONE now. That bitch can get another one.