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My wife and I are both 45, have been married for 20 years and have two teenage daughters. She started a new job earlier this year and seems to really enjoy the company and her co-workers.

We have been planning to go her Christmas party for the last month or so but about a week and a half ago she started acting a little distant and seems to be trying to talk me out of going to the party.

Maybe I am just over reacting but something just feels off about the whole thing. Is there anything I should be looking for? Should I insist on going to the party? Its tomorrow night.

Yes, go. Don’t ask for permission, just go.

Your gut is often right.

Go but maintain a low profile and act like you don't see anything, the OM if there is one will make himself known after a few drinks. Don't drink yourself and don't confront. Eyes open mouth shut.

Likely someone 10 years older than her.

She may already have spoken about him as a great guy or funny etc.

[This message edited by survrus at 9:48 PM, December 13th (Thursday)]

First off... always trust your gut. The party may be nothing, or it may be a meetup with a coworker. If it were me I believe I would probably go (especially since your wife has been hinting about you not going) and stay off to the side as much as possible and keep my eyes and ears open.

My husband hid a coworker from me at his Christmas party last year.

We’ve fought about it all year.

Carry a VAR on you, wear it to the party

My WH pulled the same exact thing when he was actively involved in his affair ...

I was friendly with some of the other wives and they were all going, but he kept telling me it was employees only, no spouses.

He just didn’t want to see COW.

If your gut is telling you something is wrong, then unfortunately it probably is.

Can you try to get into her phone? That’s where your answers will be ... go through her emails, texts, browsing history, and her pictures (check deleted photos too.)

Well I guess my plan is to get home before her tomorrow and just get dressed to go to the party. If I am ready to go when she gets home then she will have a hard time explaining why I shouldn't go.

If there is anything going on and you let on that you suspect something, then they will take it further underground, and come up with a mutually agreed story to explain away the details.

You also need to get hard evidence, but never reveal your sources or she will game you.

I presume she hasn't said, "I love you but am not in love with you" or something similar?

I'd also go into investigative mode, checking her phone records, etc.

If there's a reason she doesn't want you to go to the party, she might already be actively involved in an emotional affair at minimum.

Trust your gut.

As all others have said, TRUST YOUR GUT. I think your plan is smart-get home earlier, get dressed, if she comes home sees you all ready but decides she then isn't going to the party its most likely shes hiding something/someone.

She is sleeping now so I just took a look at her phone and it looks clean. I will try to get into our AT&T account tomorrow and see if anything looks fishy.

Good that's your first place to check

Under no circumstances do you not go to the party. Even if she says that she's not going. Insist that she go and you accompany her. Without this party it will be much harder to figure out who the OM is.

While there, make a mental checklist of all the men that speak to your wife. Also be on the lookout for someone that avoids her entirely,but glances at her from time to time.

I suspect the OM will not have a female accompanying him to the party, since your W doesn't want you to go.

Wayward behavior is very predictable. Expect her to make up some weird excuse to go out to the car, or she's making a lot of trips to the restroom. People in As love to sneak away for a quick kiss (or more), so check who leaves at the same time as her, maybe even before her.

I think that you going to the party will give you the info you're looking for as long as you stay very observant.

Can you just act like you aren’t going then show up to her party later on your own?

Well I guess my plan is to get home before her tomorrow and just get dressed to go to the party. If I am ready to go when she gets home then she will have a hard time explaining why I shouldn't go.

DaninOH

The good news is there are actions you should take if something is going on or not going on. Go to the party and be a nice guy. By that I mean don’t go and be territorial or grumpy.

Don’t be a show off life of the party either.

You want her fellow employees to think she’s married to a great solid guy. Talk about doing stuff with the kids, etc. The best way to make a good impression is to really listen to her coworkers.

So no matter what your gut tells you during the party be nice and under control. Don't give the men the "evil eye."

People rationalize their affair to themselves and others be making their spouse out to be a bad guy. Don’t give them any ammo at the party. You want them to think “how could she cheat on such a great guy”

There was a play that was later made into a movie that was called “Same Time Next Year”. Two married people have an affair and have no contact except for meeting each other once a year for many years. The reason the movie works is that you never see the betrayed spouses (BS).

You need to go to the party and put a face to your name.

Project a positive attitude. You've been looking forward to the party and meeting the people she's talked about so much. The party's great, you're great, your wife is great and her coworkers are great.

Again there may be nothing going on and this course of action will not hurt anything no matter what.

[This message edited by Michigan at 6:43 AM, December 14th (Friday)]

Something is brewing if she doesn’t want you to attend - and it’s sudden.

Go. Watch. Say nothing. Be a good guy. But keep your eyes open.

I would not fight her to stay home and then just show up later unexpectedly saying you had a change of heart, if you insist on going with her, she will probably tip OM (if any) and nothing will happen at the party, if you show up later and there's something going on, you will find her sitting next to OM or maybe even catch them red handed, once you get to the party just watch her from a distance and have your cellphone handy to record her actions if necessary, if after 30 mins you don't see anything suspicious just go sit with her and make sure you introduce yourself to everyone sitting at her table and everyone who comes to greet her (men or women).

[This message edited by Buster123 at 7:40 AM, December 14th (Friday)]

Did you look on the phone for messaging APPs like Messenger, WhatsApp or Wechat? Even Snapchat and Instagram can be used for messaging and messages won’t show on your bill.

Is there a history of infidelity?

You're on a site to where we're going to see infidelity in anything she does.

I'm not saying there's nothing there. I'm with everyone else about trusting your gut, but get the proof you need first.

She may be having issues at work. Has she explained why she doesn't want to go?

[This message edited by Wool94 at 7:45 AM, December 14th (Friday)]

I'm with Wool. Is this the only thing you've found suspicious? While I'd clearly investigate, I dint think you did leap to infidelity as the reason she doesn't want you to attend.

I've had jobs where it's just not conducive to have spouses at parties. Work talk abounded, my husband would have been bored out of his mind.

Unless there are other red flags, trust but verify.

And, is there a reason you won't tell her about your worries?