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The OM was one of my best friends at the time. But it’s not something that I can tell her she has to do, how she feels is how she feels but is it a detriment to R?

You are correct you can't make her do a thing.

You can control you though.

Anyone that helps destroy your marriage, family is not someone who is worthy of any good feelings.

I would not offer R to anyone with fond memories or he's still a great guy going on.

Can they still be viewed as a “good guy”.

No.

I can't say that with enough emphasis.

No.

Jon

Truth is if she’s thinking positively of him than she’s taking time away from you and your M.

TBH, if it were me, I’d tell her that I am not able to let someone back into my heart who still harbors good feelings and pines for the person that has completely damaged me.

I’d let her know that she has lost me because of it and I’m going to try and move on and rebuild the life she destroyed.

Truth is, no matter what things she’s trying to do to make amends, knowing she had a place in her heart for him and not hate what he represents, I know I’d never truly be able to care for her enough again to have a happy life and relationship.

It’s all your call, just giving you my perspective.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:36 AM, December 24th (Monday)]

Good guys don't fuck married women. End of story.

Any man or woman with a healthy, sound, and moral perspective would come to the same conclusion as the above statement.

I won’t bother to engage in debate over the fact that guys/girls that have zero regard for the family, the spouse, and most of all, the children of the married person they are fucking is nothing short of a totally worthless piece of shit.

My children suffered an emotional pain they will never forget and will affect them throughout their lives - and my XWW’s adultery partner made it crystal clear that he did not give a damn about them or their gut-wrenching anguish.

I have been a member of SI for over six years now and have read thousands of heart-wrenching stories of infidelity and NOT ONCE have I ever read a story where the adultery partner expresses ANY remorse, compassion, regret or anything AT ALL for what the children have been put through and the life-changing damage they suffer through.

Not once.

Not once.

No, they are not good guys or good gals.

To be able to knowingly and callously fuck-over an innocent child relegates you to being nothing more than a totally worthless piece of shit.

I don’t care what else you do in life - doctor, scientist, engineer, rescue stray puppies, whatever-the-fuck.

You take part in destroying a child’s family and foundation so you can feel validated, sexy, desired, a stud?

Then, you are a totally worthless piece of shit.

No debate.

Maybe, just maybe, after years of genuinely working on yourself, after really delving into not just yourself but into realizing the fear, anguish, and emotional pain that you induced into a child, and after getting on your knees in front of that child and begging for their forgiveness, you might start to not be a totally worthless piece of shit.

But that will be debatable.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 7:10 PM, December 24th (Monday)]

I feel better just reading Keptmyword's analysis above.

I agree. Nobody that sleeps with a married man or woman is "good." Especially not if there are kids involved.

Can they still be viewed as a “good guy”

No. Do you view others who destroy things and hurt people as "good?"

Liar?

Thief?

Rapist?

Pedophile?

Murderer?

Your actions define who you are. Infidelity is no exception.

how she feels is how she feels but is it a detriment to R?

If she feels that way. Still has a warm and fuzzy's. Still looks back fondly at the sex and good times they had. Then you are not in R. You are in waiting. The passive, understanding BH. Who will support his WW as she deals with her oh so complicated feelings over having to breakup with her lover.

And if you continue to put up with it. Then you are basically saying that there is no insult that you will not accept. And, IMO, you are setting the stage for this to happen again.

The OM was one of my best friends at the time.

No, he wasn't. You just thought he was.

Nope. She either recognizes him as a completely rotten, valueless piece of shit who she'd enjoy seeing dead or I'm out. Sorry to those with different sensibilities, but life is too short. There are other women out there who wouldn't do this. No one made her marry me or stay married to me. If she thinks his life has value after "laying" in my bed, she can have him and I'll treat my own life as though it has value.

I agree with you all. I suppose one of the quandaries is the fact that at least half of SI has been the OM/OW and yet they aren’t vilified the same as the ones that aren’t here.

Most of the former OW/OM here aren’t vilified as much because they are at least attempting to own & fix their shit. It is apparent your WW isn’t owning/fixing her shit because she still sees the OM in a positive light.

least half of SI has been the OM/OW and yet they aren’t vilified the same as the ones that aren’t here.

It may not be that important, but it is way less than half. Look at the number of posts in Wayward forum vs JFO.

More importantly, there are many OM/W vilified on SI if they take the position that your WW has taken. Many.

The important point is that we take this position because we know it is a sign of lack of empathy and remorse. And we know R is not possible without empathy and remorse.

duplicate

[This message edited by DIFM at 4:41 AM, December 29th (Saturday)]

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[This message edited by DIFM at 4:40 AM, December 29th (Saturday)]

Duplicate

[This message edited by DIFM at 4:39 AM, December 29th (Saturday)]

"Indifference" would be her best conclusion but I doubt she has reached this yet. It takes time.

The affair was all about your wife, not the AP. Plenty of potential APs still roam out there so she needs to figure this out or she will remain distant from you and vulnerable to cheating.

Your wife needs to learn that a man of such character and living such a life is not "good" for her, and she must not blame others, him or you, for her actions. This AP was just a tool she used to reach yet another dead end. Your prior affair may be the root of this staggering, but it's on her to fix herself.

I know we are not suppose to call people names here, but an idea that really helped me to recover was concluding that the AP was simply a dumb_ass. For his benefit, I will add, "at the time." The AP was nothing more than the first guy that came along and took the bait. My wife used him. The AP was immature enough to let her. It could have been anybody. Thinking about the AP in this way might help you think less about he AP and more about the correct changes required of your wife. Plus, no contact with the AP is a must. Remove the AP from your head. Chalk him up as lesson learned.

[This message edited by still-living at 6:18 AM, December 29th (Saturday)]

Wasn't John Wayne Gacy a "good guy" as well? You know, when he wasn't actively engaged in torturing and murdering teenage boys? Yes. Yes he was. He was a pillar of his community, in fact.

My STBXWH thinks he is "a good man" because he goes to Church and jumps the car batteries of helpless old people in parking lots. I'll save you the suspense. He is NOT a good man. He is that previously stated "worthless piece of shit.". Most of his AP's, if not all, were married.

The BS and WS--by their differing roles--are not partners in the trauma of infidelity, even though the unity of marriage and the fact that the marriage is in jeopardy make us want to believe we are partners during this time. The BS has been abused, even attacked, and the WS did that attacking. During the recovery, the WS should--under normal, compassionate circumstances--see the damage their cognitive dissonance has caused. But because the betrayal was not done to them, they will not feel the same trauma. They simply cannot be traumatized like the BS due to their knowingly participatory role, even with compartmentalization insulating them and their marriage now on the line.

This is why the behavior of the WS during reconciliation is everything. Even though the WS cannot feel what the BS actually feels, it is their compassion and empathy for the person they say they love that carries R. Your WW must--absolutely must if you are to ever truly have a real M again--be motivated by your hurt, the hurt she has caused. She may be blaming herself fully and not the AP, she may be feeling she is blameshifting by calling him ugly names, she may be feeling absolutely nothing for the OM--neither love nor hate (he could have been anyone, right?), but if she cannot soothe your hurt by speaking lovingly toward you and negatively about OM and who he clearly is to be able to have done this, if she does not have the natural instinct to heal your trauma by speaking the ugliness about herself AND the OM, how can she possibly make you feel safe enough to reconcile????

This isn't really about the OM per se, it's about her inability to prioritize your trauma recovery and feelings during R. That is the problem here, and that is what worries me about what she won't say. I'm sorry.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:23 AM, December 29th (Saturday)]

Jondoe,

Can they still be viewed as a “good guy”.

Do you want to be more specific? The SI members here might be able to tell you what she’s really saying. Is it something like “he’s not the problem, I am” or something worst?

Stilliving & OIN nailed it...

My H was the OM ...he is not a worthless POS ...My guess is neither is the OW ... they are not murderers or pedophiles... But something inside them made them cross a line that I know I personally would NEVER cross... The OP was not the threat to my marriage it was my own husband! I could care less if she thinks fondly of my H or hates his guts... Indifference is where the wayward needs to be...

At the end of the day I can only control myself. I have chosen to Reconcile. So far so good.