SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wow. Had the misfortune to come across a letter sent to a British newspaper in late December of last year of this title.

It just shows the complete idiocy of these affair partners. I honestly felt embarrassed for her. It’s easy to find on google.

I then wondered what I would write to the affair partner... and this would be it!

A letter to my husband’s affair partner.

I’ll start by saying you are not special, you are not unique, this wasn’t true love or soulmatism or kismet, you’re a woman who involved herself in an affair. Who devastated another woman, a woman who will never be the same person again (I now suffer trauma related anxiety), who destroyed the safe secure world of young children.

My husband was sadly ALWAYS going to do this to his family. He has a history of addictive behaviours. He has a history of lying. He has a history of poor coping mechanisms and when you throw in selfishness and entitlement you have the ideal recipe for infidelity.

He fished for a few women before you. Testing the waters. Seeing if they’d take the bait. I knew of them but my blinkers were on, my rose tinted glasses, so I dismissed it. I NEVER believed in a million years that my kind, thoughtful, sensitive husband the man I loved with all my heart, would have been seeking another ‘thrill’ of such a devastating magnitude.

When he met you, he found an ideal fish. A woman who didn’t automatically walk away from a married man.

Did you think he was in an unhappy marriage? He wasn’t. Did you think we didn’t have sex anymore? We did. Did you think I was mean and controlling? I’m not. I devoted my life to my children and him. You have simply no idea of the sacrifices I have made, to give him the perfect family and life and you know what, it was. We had happiness and joy, we laughed a lot.

Truth is my husband probably claimed to be unhappy in the marriage. This isn’t unique. This is a go to excuse for a cheater. Would you have been as interested if he’d told you the truth? That he was happily married with a wife and two children who loved him very much? I have read extensively into affair psychology now (I truly wish I hadn’t had to), some studies claim that 50% of infidelity cases happen in happy marriages. You see infidelity isn’t about the ‘state of the marriage’, it’s about something in the cheater that drives them to destroy the people that love them, it’s their brokenness.

So once the pair of you met it started. It started with flirting at work, then came the endless text messages telling each other how ‘funny’ you were, you started to cross boundaries with him. It progressed quickly, you know the details, you were there. I was busy taking care of our children, tending his home, buying him his favourite foods for dinner thinking he was working so hard to improve the lives of his family. How wrong I was.

Once you were both engaged in an affair the ‘love yous’ started. They followed the same pattern as the recent texts that hit the mainstream media. I’ve read countless texts from cheaters and their affair partners now. They’re all the same. I love you, I love you more, no I really love you, I’m in love with you, prove your love etc etc rinse and repeat. They’re nauseating.

Then one terrible day, I found out. He would never have told me. In the fallout, he left his family for you. He left us, he abandoned us, he watched our children beg him not to go. You had a huge part to play in that. Begging him to leave us. Reassuring him that it would be ok. That he deserved his ‘happy’ with you, his true love, his soulmate, his woman. The children cried nightly, their daddy was their hero. I fell apart.

But we’re made of stronger stuff and my little family battled on. We’re ok, we laugh a lot. There is joy in our world now, despite the damage you and him have reigned down on us.

They estimate between 1% and 3% of relationships started through infidelity end in a long term relationship. The ending in most affairs is horribly predictable.

So what happened to you and my husband? Well you’re barely together. Less than a year after it started, the boredom set in for you both. The highs you got from the drama weren’t there. You won your ‘prize’ and then realised you didn’t want it after all. That this was a ‘prize’ who would betray his family, that he wasn’t so brilliant after all. Now you barely see each other. From what I can tell neither of you wants to be the one to pull the plug on this, neither wants to be the one to admit this was all for nothing. So you’ll both just let it ‘fizzle’ out.

At one point during the aftermath of discovery when I fought for my family, this stopped being about him but it became about your perceived battle for him with me. The evil, controlling, manipulative wife, and you had to be the superior woman, the one who came out on top. But it was never that for me, it was always about trying to repair my precious much loved family.

He cries now and is (I believe) ‘sorry’ for what he did. He calls you his ‘biggest mistake’ his ‘greatest regret’.

For the first time in well over a year he’s probably being honest. You weren’t special. You were just a woman involved in an affair with a married man. You were just the one who took the bait.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 10:39 AM, January 12th (Saturday)]

Very well written and exactly true . I say it often.

The AP was nothing special and could have been anyone.

Basically a woman in an Affair is being used for sex. They may confuse it with love but sex is the motivating factor in most cases.

A well written and truthful letter. I could have written something similar even tho my WS didn’t leave. I hear the same things. “Biggest regret”, etc. The element of ‘competition’ always fascinates me. For the OW, it does seem to be about winning. Imagine the very low self esteem the OW must have to play that stupid little game.

Thank you. I really think it’s important for betrayed who are new to the whole infidelity thing that these AP are really NOTHING SPECIAL. That they were just the ones who saw that married man/woman and weren’t disgusted by the fact that they were clearly seeking an affair. Eugh!

I’ve made the mistake of visiting a few boards of APs and it’s pretty rough reading. I read one thread where the wife was villified and the AP was actually described by these idiots as ‘saving the soul’ of the poor put upon married man she was shagging who was made to feel ‘worthless’ by his wife. And where was this info coming from? Yep you’ve guessed it him. And they could not see that he could be possibly, maybe, perhaps lying his ARSE off for extra sex!!

I just want all betrayed to realise that it’s them that are special, unique and wonderful. The AP could have been ANYONE!

Am I the only one not comforted by "it could have been anyone"? That makes me feel like no matter what I do, my marriage isn't safe.

@ Dragonfly

Nicely written. And very sorry it took your WH so long to come out of the fog of limerence. Glad he has now but for a family to be shipwrecked and sacrificed to that limerence (shorthand for the various neurochemical/ emotional states of Affair bubbledom) is beyond sad, it's basically criminal - or at least it would be criminal thievery and destruction by the AP were it not for the willingness of the WS to open all the windows and doors and let the AP swan in and plunder the family.

@ Layla.

yes, it usually is the case that it could be anyone. Hence the walls and boundaries suggested by Shirley Glass in her Not Just Friends - if you haven't read it, I recommend it.

[This message edited by Edie at 9:34 AM, January 12th (Saturday)]

My H went tripping down memory lane...reached out to a few women he knew in his HS days until one took the bait! It truly was that simple...2 people without boundaries slipping down the slippery slope...justifying every step of the way...

Layla, current affair wisdom is that cheaters need to work on their own brokenness to ensure an affair doesn’t happen again. The study I found said that 56% of males cheating, said that they were happy or very happy in their relationship, BUT they STILL cheated, I actually believe that percentage would be higher if cheaters were more honest! These happy individuals were still seeking ‘more’ or ‘extra’, and until they put the real work into working out why, then you are at a high risk of it happening again. Just a case of them meeting another AP willing to stoop THAT low. It’s not comforting to think that they might do it again without addressing their hows and whys, but it is comforting to know that this isn’t usually true love or kismet or any other nonsense they say about or to the AP. Truth is that their AP is not special, and that the affair is a sign of their brokenness.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 12:04 PM, January 12th (Saturday)]

The study I found said that 56% of males cheating, said that they were happy or very happy in their relationship, BUT they STILL cheated, I actually believe that percentage would be higher if cheaters were more honest!

I do too (believe the number would be higher for men if they were honest). "I just wasn't happy in the marriage" is an easy answer, but it's not true in all the cases I know of IRL. When the men I know are really that unhappy, they file for D, not go AP hunting. The men I know who cheat are all pretty happy in their marriages, talk nicely about their wives (except for sex, they all complain about that) and have no intention of leaving. They cheat for "more", not to replace or exit a marriage.

Great post Dragonfly123!

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 12:46 PM, January 12th (Saturday)]

Am I the only one not comforted by "it could have been anyone"? That makes me feel like no matter what I do, my marriage isn't safe.

Yeah, that phrase scares me, too. While I understand the rhetoric, I don't necessarily believe it? I can't explain why, either. I guess that I know my WH could have cheated many times, but didn't. He did when the right person came along that checked whatever boxes needed checking. I don't think he was out looking for an affair, eitherthis has been a giant discussion here. It was a matter of right place, right time, right person, etc.

Well written, but far too nice. I would have sprinkled in a few choice adjectives to describe her with.

I think your letter should be posted in the same newspaper.

Your letter hits the nail on the head.

I went and read the letter in the Guardian. I wasn't going to but ended up having to. What a boat load of garbage. The poor thing.

If they post yours Dragonfly they might pay you 25 pounds.

Layla

To address your point. If people want to poach your Spouse they can try.

If people want to hit on your spouse for no strings attached sex they will try.

The only one that can stop the Affair from occurring is your spouse.

That is one thing I have learned. I can be perfect (or close to it) but if my H wants to cheat - he will.

You can Affair proof your marriage to a certain extent. If you are kind and loving and you communicate and are intimate - it could possibly stop the Affair b/c your spouse is not interested.

Or the marriage is great and the spouse cheats anyway just b/c they can. And it has nothing to do with the spouse or marriage.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:15 AM, January 13th (Sunday)]

I think your letter should be posted in the same newspaper.

Your letter hits the nail on the head

.

I went and read the letter in the Guardian. I wasn't going to but ended up having to. What a boat load of garbage. The poor thing.

If they post yours Dragonfly they might pay you 25 pounds.

I think you should submit your letter. It was beautifully written; way better than that delusional drivel.

And. Fuck. I googled it, too, and then started pain shopping by reading other "letters to my lovers wife."

What a bunch of delusional fucking idiots. All in love with some poor, put down WH, that just isn't getting the love he deserves at home.

Ugh I'm in a foul mood now. What a bunch of dipshits. Stupid fucking affair partners that think their lying cheater is God's gift to women and their wife at home is some horrible abusive witch. Ugh. I want to fucking scream. Not just for me, but for all the other BW's (and BH's, too, but oddly enough the delusional letters are only written by female AP's), who come here and post about all the hard work and effort they put into their marriages and families, only to find out that they're being betrayed. And to add insult to injury, their WH is painting them in the most insane light, which isn't based anywhere in reality. I'ma stop, I've t/jed enough.

Yes I think I should submit it. To be honest I’m pretty cross. There seems to be a lot of space given to these numpties and their true love narratives and none to the fact that it’s highly likely to be a pile of bull!

I’ll share my huge £25 with you all! Drinks on the house!

RIO glad you agree! We do love a statistic!

Kaygem believe you and me I have a number of choice names for her. But I wasn’t sure the guardian would publish if I called it ‘letter to my husband’s dirty fake titted fuck buddy emotionally stunted moron’

iBonnie yep, I was stupid to read it. I then did exactly what you did, hence my response. In all the cases it was women affair partners. I just can’t get my head around why they think these idiot married men are telling them the truth, while betraying their families?!?! Mind boggles!

It has however raised questions for me. My WH has always claimed that he didn’t say he was unhappily married or that there were problems to his AP (because he knows that would be a total fabrication). She would have also seen pictures of my happy family through his social media. So theoretically she knew we were happy. How the beejeezuz can she justify pursuing him? Ahhh just mind wondering...

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 2:50 AM, January 13th (Sunday)]

Blindsided I don’t think we’re on different pages here. To address two points you made.

My husband definitely fished for an affair at least twice before he met his AP, he was crossing boundaries with both these women, both attractive, both uninterested in continuing. He did it, but did he do it consciously? NO I don’t believe he did. He was seeking validation from attractive females. My husband would say that he wasn’t looking for an affair to this day, BUT I can see differently. I think it’s a given that a man who got involved in an affair would have crossed boundaries before, we just didn’t see it.

Secondly I think the idea of ‘anyone’ is semantics. It’s an expression used here to show the AP as not special or unique. I agree there has to be right time, right place, right person... for my husband they had to be attractive ‘enough’, fun ‘enough to talk to’, reasonably bright I guess BUT also highly disordered as these are the only ones who would get involved with a married man with young children. But it could certainly have been anyone else who met that. It wasn’t true love, kismet, soulmatism...

If we see the AP as a once in a lifetime opportunity for our husband’s that came along and he took it, then we rug sweep it, then we fail to grasp that an affair is about the cheaters brokenness and they won’t be a safe partner for us and then yes our marriages aren’t safe.

In all the cases it was women affair partners. I just can’t get my head around why they think these idiot married men are telling them the truth, while betraying their families?!?! Mind boggles!

Here, here. I wonder about this every single day, because I simply cannot believe my wife when she tells me that she really believed what he told her during the A. It simply boggles the mind. Of course he was lying, that's part and parcel of an affair. Affairs are for lying and sex. It's the only two things that you're likely to get out of an A. If you don't want those two things, you're looking the wrong place.

He did it, but did he do it consciously? NO I don’t believe he did. He was seeking validation from attractive females. My husband would say that he wasn’t looking for an affair to this day

This might be semantics to you, but I strongly doubt your H was talking to these women and trying to enter an A thinking "I need validation". The conscious thought was almost certainly more along the lines of "I'd like to sleep with her". Now, he might have thought that because sleeping with her would validate him (I don't agree with this, but a lot of WS's do say it, so I'll concede that this could be true), but his thoughts were almost certainly more "I'd like to hit that" than "She just makes me feel good about my inner self and I enjoy spending time with her, so I'll spend more time with her and see what happens". I've never, in my life, thought the 2nd. And thought the first many, many times when dating/flirting with women. The drive, for me, was for sex. All the rest of a relationship fell out of that drive; not the other way around.

Why do people believe the WS is sorry when the affair didn't work out. If they're not sorry when they fall in love and leave they aren't sorry for the pain they caused. They are sorry that their life fell apart and they lost their family. Sorry, but that's the way I believe it is. Would he have given her up because he realized her erred in his ways? Clearly no. He's only giving her up because it fizzled out. Until next time.