Look who the cat dragged in?!
I'm very sorry again to be gone so long between posts. It's been a heckuva week, emotional, sure, but also busy with work.
Not gonna lie, everyone, last weekend sucked. The session to discuss the timeline was like a knife in my back and through my heart - not enough to kill me but enough to torture me. I have to continue to give him credit because he asked exactly how I wanted the info before we started. Should he sensor his comments to spare my feelings or give details, no matter how graphic? I asked for something in the middle and if I wanted to know more, I would let him know by asking questions and telling him so.
Also, I prepped with my IC by sending her what he sent me. We then went through it and she asked where I might have questions. She also asked if I wanted her to ask any of the harder questions -- especially as it related to the games they were playing with me, if it was too hard for me. I asked her to please do just that and even, if she indeed see the awful games being played, could she please phrase it as a question from her, such as, "I read here where you egged each other on to push the limits of what was an appropriate and platonic relationship in front of Speedbump. What did you hope to gain from that? How did you feel about Speedbump when you agreed to that and then did it? How did you feel afterwards? Why would you agree to what appears to be such cruel actions?" So that is what she did on several occasions.
It was so hard on me and also on him. I couldn't keep my voice from cracking and trembling and that was our cue that she would "assist" me. He was distraught, as he should have been, and he even kept saying he had been trying to mentally prepare but it was far worse than he imagined and he imagined the worst. I'm not sure, knowing what I know now, how awful and painful it is, having the info I know now that I did not know before, if I'd do this again or advise anyone, too. It was that hard and I was useless on Sunday.
There was so much more than I imagined, more came out in the session that wasn't in the timeline. Evidently they did tell each other they loved each other, which started sometime in December. As you can guess, of course he didn't really love her but said it because she said it and it "just felt natural" whatever the hell that means. But he swears he did not ever love her but of course he would tell me that.
More gritty details came out. They took an out of town over-nighter to a little town I have always wanted to visit because a fave author of mine wrote about it so it was on my "list" of must see places. We hadn't managed to get there yet and she (and of course he) knew how much I wanted to go there for a special trip. Now it's forever ruined. They acted like an old married couple when I traveled and took advantage of that and me. Mind you, I'd ask him to come with me but he wouldn't or couldn't most of the time. He even said he rejected those offers more because she griped about it so much if he did travel with me that, to him, it wasn't worth the aggravation. I can't even believe he allowed this to get so far and so messed up and, as you can imagine, of course neither can he. I told him I know how and it's because he's a weak, spineless, horny teenage man child! He didn't disagree. Oh gosh, I can go on and on but just more crap like that was revealed in that call. He hung up a heap of a crying mess while I got my spine back and composed myself by the end of the session somehow. It was truly awful.
WH called me soon after and I did pick up. He was so sorry for his disgusting behavior, for dishonoring me, for spitting on our vows, for destroying what we had built, for hurting me as he has. He is sorry for it all and he loves me. He said he won't even ask for a chance with me because he has no right to ask but if I was willing to consider it, he would be there, no matter when. We had probably our longest and most meaningful talk then and I hung up with a sense of peace I haven't had in some time, a more of an acceptance that this happened and there was nothing I could do to change it. It's so sad and such a waste of what I thought was a really good relationship.
A couple other updates. I'm writing this while at a hair salon cutting off all my hair and changing my hair color...a bit of a fresh start and with my hair so thin at the moment, I'm chopping it short which is a big change. I hope I leave sassy and fierce but we'll see. I could use some sass and ferociousness in my life right now.
On Wednesday I was at a business lunch when I saw a mutual friend from our neighborhood. She saw me head to the bathroom so came in to say hello and asked where I had been and missed me. I had a split second to decide that I wasn't gonna lie or hide my truth so I just told her. I said, well, I decided I wasn't gonna stick around while WH and neighbor were sleeping together and exploring their relationship so I had moved out. She was stunned because she's actually better friends with AP than me and acted like she didn't know. I don't care one way or the other as I won't be staying friends with people from around there that we had socialized with as they are all friends with AP. But of course, she was sorry and acted concerned and very nice and it might have been authentic but I'll never know. All I know is that night, I get a raging email from AP telling me to stop spreading lies about her to her friends who know the real her! OMG,puke! I told her to talk to her boyfriend because he's the one who told me everything. I also berated her for calling me a liar and that I had more information on her than she could ever imagined and if she ever reached out to me again, I would make it all public and destroy her. I listed a lot of the worse things they did, called her a flurry of really really bad names, told her that a painful death for her wasn't enough justice for her, made sure I copied our mutual friend I ran into earlier and WH, hit send and then blocked her. So there was that. And darn if it didn't feel really good afterwards and then of course, really crappy.
You all probably will have strong opinions about what's next but tonight I agreed to meet WH. We are having a casual dinner. He would like to talk and I have to admit, I miss companionship, even just for a dinner date with a traitor. Plus, he has mail and other documents for me so I agreed. I can't explain but I do want to see him and I do have "sad feelings" for him that I don't understand fully myself yet. It's just weird. There are "rules" around it and it's not a date and doesn't mean anything other than I will have dinner.
I'll update on our meeting as soon as I can. Thanks for holding me in your thoughts and prayers. I'm finding some way to make it through but I have a long way to go.
