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rambler posted 6/4/2019 20:58 PM

You really need to get out of there as soon as you can. The next time she threatens to harm herself, call authorities. This is in her and your best interest.

Ripped62 posted 6/6/2019 17:43 PM

Perhaps she will go stay with the inlaws for a while.

director23 posted 6/7/2019 14:32 PM

Completed a few things this week to get ahead of them. Went and set up a PO box. I noticed I'd been receiving less mail recently and one evening this week I found some Easter cards from a few of my family members that addressed them to my son; they were unopened and put in a place that didn't make sense, obviously done by my stbxww. Also went and bought 6 huge totes to put my personal belongings in that I don't regularly use and will be storing them at my parents place so I know they can't be interfered with. My lawyer and I also finalized our decree and it was submitted to my ww lawyer. The hope is that her lawyer will be able to help her see that some of the things she is asking for simply cannot and won't happen.

ChamomileTea posted 6/7/2019 21:57 PM

What kind of things is she asking for? I have to doubt that she's in a hurry to go to court and stand before a judge after the stunt she tried to pull on you.

director23 posted 6/12/2019 09:05 AM

What kind of things is she asking for?
Asking me to essentially pay all of daycare costs and more for child support than what the mandated amount would be that is decided by the State.

This past week was decent. No real issues. I was able to figure out some financing to move forward with purchasing my own property, and would look to close within weeks of the divorce being finalized.

Last night stbxww text me saying she is not happy she has to spend time away from our son because I don't want her other child around me. She invited me to 'meet' him so that I can become more comfortable being around him so we can begin to spend all of our time together. Also asked me to begin to promote a healthy relationship between our son and her other child.

I simply responded that Ive done nothing to prevent her from spending time with our son, but if she forced me to be around her other child in order for me to be around my son she would directly be doing something to prevent me from being around him. I then told her to review and respond to dovirce docs in a timely matter so this process can move forward.

She responded by saying I should want our son and his brother to bond. That I hope I find myself. Said she is still the same person and that i am not. Said I've chosen to make this ugly and she prays for me.

I never responded.

MamaDragon posted 6/12/2019 09:18 AM

Crickets is the best response.

She is still hoping that you will come around - she is trying to guilt you into it by using the bond between brothers.

The bond between brothers will be there, even if your son spends 90% of his time with you.

I have not read all of your thread - is the OC's father going to be in his life or does he even know/care?

HellFire posted 6/12/2019 09:37 AM

What in the world is preventing your son, and his brother,from bonding??


It's not your responsibility to foster that relationship. It's hers.

She wants you all to play happy family.

She had to lose time with your son, because she chose to put her side piece above you and your son.

She is still the same person? Well, who she was was a lying cheater. So...

You're not making this ugly. She did that.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:37 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

director23 posted 6/12/2019 09:38 AM

is the OC's father going to be in his life or does he even know/care
stbxww did tell me she told him he is the confirmed father but i have no idea what his plans are for involvement.

ibonnie posted 6/12/2019 09:41 AM

Said she is still the same person and that i am not. Said I've chosen to make this ugly and she prays for me.

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

Good to know that she's *always* been okay with having another man's child while married to you. Obviously you're the crazy one in this situation because you won't smile and happily act like her husband anymore.

Just focus on you and your time with your son. He can bond with his brother when his mother has custody/visitation time. I don't understand how you not being around is preventing them from bonding during her time with the children.

Tigersrule77 posted 6/12/2019 10:05 AM

I agree with ibonnie. Your STBXWW is really saying something. The blame game is strong with this one.

So is she trying to say that she is still the cheating whore she has always been and hasn't changed from this experience? I would suggest that she is still just as selfish, as she is putting her wants before yours. And I believe that it is normal to be changed by infidelity. I think that pretty much everyone on this site has been changed.

I'm sure you can see that she is still trying to manipulate you. Sounds like you are doing a good job by staying strong and protecting yourself. You don't have to have a relationship with her new son. It may be that down the road several years, when your son is older, you will see him around when you go to your son's activities, like sports or something like that. From what I have read from you, I would expect that you would treat him politely, as you seem to be a good person.

Keep on as you are. I expect I would do the same in your situation. SHE created the mess. It is not your responsibility to make things easier for her.

Bigheart2018 posted 6/12/2019 10:11 AM

Dear Director.

If your stbxww decide to give visitation rights to her AP, I wouldn't allow him to come to your home to visit the baby. The visitation should take place away from your home.

Freeme posted 6/12/2019 10:12 AM

You seem like such a nice guy. I have a feeling that your WW had gotten so used to being able to walk all over you that she took it for granted. She never understood that you sacrificed by giving in for the family... now that she has torn that family apart their is no reason to bow down to her. That's what she means by you've changed. She can't get over the fact that you don't want to play happy family with OM child.
Not responding to that last text is the way to go. You can't argue with crazy... well you can but it will just provoke more craziness.
Your responses to her are good. You seen to have your head on straight about this situation. You keep bringing the topic back to the paperwork.

M1965 posted 6/12/2019 10:12 AM

Director,

Remember that recent visit from your MIL, in which she told your WW to calm down, because you could use her actions against her?

Please bear in mind that they may try to play the same game with you, and provoke you into an angry outburst via email, text message, etc.

So when your WW tries to portray herself a sweet and lovely angel, and cast you as the bad guy who is making things worse, she may be trying to provoke you to respond in a way that can be used as evidence of your 'horrible' nature, when all she wants to do is bring peace and harmony all round.

It can be very hard not to respond, but please try to limit your replies to facts, and keep them as neutral and minimal as possible, no matter how wheedling, deluded, or provocative the messages you receive are.

Please be content and satisfied in yourself that you know the truth, and you have nothing to prove to your WW, or debate with her.

There is nothing to be gained by engaging with any of your wife's statements. The 'making this ugly' one is a classic, but why waste a second of your life stating the obvious to her.

You know the truth. And so do we. You have nothing to prove, and nothing to gain by getting provoked into arguments with her.

ChamomileTea posted 6/12/2019 12:09 PM

Asking me to essentially pay all of daycare costs and more for child support than what the mandated amount would be that is decided by the State

I dunno. I think I might consider taking on the daycare costs, but only for my son, and only IF... I was allowed complete authority over choosing facilities and sitters. That would offer you a bit of quality control. No way would I pay more than state-mandated child support though. All her other nonsense can be ignored.

Congrats on finding a new property! Hope it all goes to plan.

The1stWife posted 6/12/2019 17:13 PM

Is she looking for you to support both children by asking for more $?

Wow - sheís a piece of work ainít she?

NoOptTo posted 6/12/2019 19:27 PM

She is still the same person..... yep, a liar, a cheater, spoiled rotten, family breaker, self entitled, I can go on. And yes you have changed. You choose to love your child and cut the poisonous leetch out of your life. Your standing by your values and morals, not her lack of them.

Hope your possible purchase comes through for you.

LostHope8008 posted 6/13/2019 08:09 AM

Director, I just want to commend you for how you are handling this awful situation. I wish I handled my first D like you have.

Bigger posted 6/13/2019 11:27 AM

M1965 is right on the money.
What she wants is relatively irrelevant. Your state CS support calculator probably gives a good indication of what to expect and when you enter that courtroom itís 50/50. She can demand the Earth and the Moon, but you can counter with your claims and suggestions. Keep them fair and reasonable and itís highly likely the judge will agree with your demands.

I donít think you are correct when you state that it has been confirmed that the OM is the father. What has been confirmed is that you are not the biological father. What is being worked on is to remove you as the legal father. Theoretically any man can be the father, after all the only thing we really know right now is that your wife did not keep to the expectations of marriage and slept with at least one other man other than her husband. We could take her word that it was only the OM (and I truly think thatís true), but theoretically it could be a dozen more.

There is a legal process that has to be gone through before the OM is confirmed as the biological AND legal father. Itís probably not your issue, but I would ask your attorney whether establishing correct paternity might alleviate or ease whatever claims for CS your wife might have. One of the reasons changing paternity is so extremely difficult is the systems reluctance to leave a child without a father. Having one ready to step into the breach might ease things.

If you can then be indifferent or neutral about the OC. Itís not the OC that wrecked your marriage. Itís your WW infidelity. With time you need to establish a healthy relationship towards the other boy, as he truly will be a major part in your sonís life. There might not be much need for that now, but in a couple of years this will be an issue. But for now, itís not important that your son be there all the time and/or that you and your soon-to-be ex present your son with a happy-nothing-is-wrong-false-family scenario.

ramius posted 6/13/2019 16:00 PM

She sounds like a Cluster B Cluster F**k. Just let her manipulative jargon drop into space.

director23 posted 6/13/2019 16:32 PM

Obviously you're the crazy one in this situation because you won't smile and happily act like her husband anymore
This is truly what she wants; wants me to give in, love her, forgive her, raise another mans baby, don't break up our family, don't tell anybody what she did, don't divorce her, don't annul our marriage, etc.

he is still just as selfish, as she is putting her wants before yours.
Definitely took me awhile to realize it, but for a long time everything she has done and said for a long time has always been about having her best interests in mind. I really wasn't able to acknowledge how controlled I was until I took a step back and read through months of text messages between us.

The visitation should take place away from your home.
I haven't have been more clear about the negative result it would have for the om to step foot on my soil.

your WW had gotten so used to being able to walk all over you that she took it for granted
she absolutely did. I always thought happy wife happy life. I've let friendships die, relationships falter with family, and given up joys financially to appease her, all because I simply thought it was in my best interest, all up and until it wasn't and she is really, really having a difficult time with simply being told: no.

provoke you into an angry outburst via email, text message, etc.
I really did think this as she was sending me the messages she did. They are all to aware of playing the divorce game because of the history of infidelity in their family, so biting my tongue and laughing about her accusations was ultimately easy to do.

Is she looking for you to support both children by asking for more $?
I really believe so. In her request she said she would need the additional money for a magnitude of things, except most of the things she is asking for are things a newborn would need, not a toddler.

Your standing by your values and morals
I believe this is what is eating at her, that she will have to forever live knowing that I didn't give in, and held her responsible for her actions.

I donít think you are correct when you state that it has been confirmed that the OM is the father
You are correct. Legally he hasn't been confirmed the father, and going forward, if she wants support for him she will have to ask for it and he can say no, but then she will have to go through court and that is when the paternity process for him would begin to establish paternity.

With time you need to establish a healthy relationship towards the other boy,
I
m definitely beginning to come to terms with this fact. If my son enjoys having his half-brother in his life I'll never do anything to deter that. I personally know the benefits of siblings; and I am also coming to terms that since I am young, there are other fish in the sea that I potentially could begin a new family with. That's definitely quite a ways down the road before I even begin to ponder about that possibility.

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