SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

3+ years from dday and in R. I have been asking for a long time for "details" of my WW's A's, not so much physical details, but more emotional, thoughts, what was discussed, etc. with her most recent AP.

My WW has been very reluctant to speak about the details. Yesterday, I sent her a letter and cited a story about the details I saw on SI and finished with my disappointment in her lack of details and discussion about her A's.

She has finally said she is ready to tell me, or write it out. She is deathly afraid of my reaction. To be honest, so am I.

I feel I need this for closure and she completely understands, but I wanted to get the advise from SI about this.

For those that did get all the details, do you wish you didnt or are you more content to know? I know the gory sexual details and while they were difficult to process, I have this feeling of dread with these other details, as does my WW.

There isn't anything new to come out in terms of other men, more meet ups, etc.

Thanks in advance.

What kind of specific details are you wanting to know?

I wanted to know everything (found a lot of it on my own by searching)

For instance, I know "their song." I used to like the song/band, but now when it comes on, I cringe & turn it regardless of the song.

I read where he wrote "Now that I found true love, I fear I could never love Tikismom that way."

I learned her dogs name & now I hate that name.

I don't know, like I said, not sure exact specifics you are wanting to know. I feel all the details I know haunt me, but I didn't want any secrets between them.

I think like you tikismom, I dont want there to be any secrets between the two of them. I was able to piece together some details of their "relationship", but I had very, very little documentation of their discussions, sexting, etc. This is the kind of stuff that my WW is afraid of telling me, but is willing to provide.

I guess I'm second guessing if these types of details are important to me. I still think about them a lot, so it is obviously something that is nagging at me.

You know, you'll start with a question. You'll get an answer. Then more Q & A. You can stop whenever you like.

Thanks sisoon, I think that is the right way to go about this. You are right, I can ask questions and if I feel it's too much?, I can back off.

This seems to me to be the best way to manage the situation.

Thanks,

Or possibly write down all of your questions & have her write down the answers. You can the look at them as you are feeling up to it, stop anytime you feel overwhelmed, etc.

I completely understand where you are coming from though. I got to listen to actual audio of things my WH said to the AP & it made me sick. I am still glad I know, but it haunts me too. I also saw pics of her vagina, him just jerked off, etc. Its been a tough pill to swallow. Its true what you know you can't un know. But I felt I needed the info.

[This message edited by tikismom at 12:58 PM, February 21st (Thursday)]

My God, tikismom that is awfull, I'm sorry you had to experience that. This is all good advise. I think managing the flow of information is a good thing.

I dont want there to be any secrets between the two of them

This was kind of my madness, the primary drive to get all of the details, I wanted to drown the 'special' -- the destroy the myth they built during the LTA.

I wanted a full accounting of all the time that was stolen from me.

And yes, the details were horrible.

It was still better than what my imagination was putting together without those details.

It did eventually help me understand just how much a person has to lie to themselves as well as me. The way AP used my wife, she got to see some truth she had been avoiding as well. It was tough, but worth it.

Truth also eliminated the huge void between us. She found she could trust me (sounds weird, but yeah, rebuilding trust and vulnerability goes both ways if you're aiming for R) that she wouldn't be punished for honesty.

Suddenly, she felt like she could once again tell me anything. That's kind of how we started out, with unvarnished honesty and helped us heal the relationship.

The drawback? Some intense mind movies at the start. Processing those details takes time. A lot of time.

Ultimately, get what YOU want and need. Set limits to what you think will help.

Only the BH will know how much he needs to learn

about his WW's affair. Thing once something is heard

it can never be unheard.

So the advice is to as specific questions and have

your WW just answer the question and not volunteer

more.

Example Bad Question

Was sex with the OM the best that you had?

That could get a WW to say yes he was the best

OM would last forever and do me multiple times

every night. And OM was huge.

Example Good Questioning

Did you have sex with the OM?

Yes.

How many times did you and the OM meet for sex?

10 times.

Did you like the sex with the OM?

Yes.

WW is not lying, she is not providing comparisons

between the OM and the BH, she is letting the BH

control how fast the information is revealed.

Thanks Oldtruck and Oldwounds.

I had created in my mind my vision of the physical encounter and unfortunately, the reality was worse than the vision I had created in my mind.

I dont think the non physical details will be very different than what I assume to be true. My WW's AP was simply a player and she lied to him about us being in an open relationship. I had hatred towards him in the beginning, but since my WW divulged this fact to me, the importance of "him" has dwindled. He was just a player looking for a piece of ass.

Doesnt paint my WW in a very good light, but its reality.

Thanks again everyone, some very sound advise. I truly appreciate it.

I feel like not demanding to know the whole truth and details is like helping the WS lie by omission (which she did since she refused to tell you at the time), again that's just me and I understand others perspective but don't agree with it, in your case it seems that even after three years you need to know much more, especially since she first refused to give you those details, a sign of not being fully remorseful at the time.

Buster, I agree with you and given my WW lied by omission for so long, I feel the need to further verify details with her. If she had been upfront, confessed and was open, recovery would be so much further along. Its in the cheaters playbook to deny, minimize, gaslight, and I wonder, how often does that work for WS's?

I told her last night that if she wanted to know how to help, she should read SI. She claims it is too emotional for her to get through very many pages of posts.

I told her last night that if she wanted to know how to help, she should read SI. She claims it is too emotional for her to get through very many pages of posts.

Tell her to suck it up and do it anyway. Her comfort is unimportant. All that matters is her doing the work to fix herself and restore as much honesty and trust as possible to your relationship. The details of her affair are not hers to keep secret. Treat them as if they are yours by right, because that's exactly what they are.

[This message edited by firenze at 9:55 PM, February 21st (Thursday)]

Jameson, sorry if I missed this, but did she read Joseph’s Letter?

Also, since she knows about SI, what about giving her a specific thread to read that exhibit constructive WS behaviors and BS reactions.

The threads of Walloped and MrsW come to mind.

Her telling specifics should not be a 1 time thing. It will take time with you taking in only so much at a time.

I like the idea of you writing questions to her, a few at a time, and her responding a writing answers.

Then come together to discuss her responses before the next set of questions.

In between, you should do relationship building activities. Do something where it’s just not talking over dinner.

Take classes, cooking or art, or go to an indoor rock climbing or trampoline place. Something fun to take the pressure off the seriousness of what you are discussing.

You need to start building more memories together thru doing things. You don’t want your days simply filled with the stressful emotions of what she will be telling you.

Good luck.

WW went through a similar process wherein she eventually and reluctantly decided to "come clean," after months of limbo.

I was not impressed with the outcome. It included proof of continued contact with AP throughout our MC etc. I told her it was over the next day. Basically, I didn't like what I saw.

But was I happy she disclosed? Hell yes.

Just be prepared, if you get the full scoop and it drives you to separate, she'll blame you for being cruel and not accepting her "olive branch." Don't be duped. You had a right to the truth from Day 1.

[This message edited by unspecified at 7:37 AM, February 22nd (Friday)]

Funny you mention that Stevesn.

I had her ready mrswallopped post. She ready through a few pages and was in tears. She told me she related to so much of the same feelings about the A.

She hasn't read Josephe's letter, I have, and I'll have her read it.

The advise to have it written (she is doing this) I feel is the best way since I can stop and re-group as needed.

SOme people have to know...I thought I had to know...and I never got a single fact...or admission...now years later...I knew it was better for me, not to know everything...for me...sex is sex...words were probably stupid...I didn't want to feel more pain, have more triggers, and more to get over...….I had enough already...

but that's just me...

You are 3 years out...it will be like DDay again...you will be starting over sort of...do you want that?

and know.....no matter how much information you have, none of us ever really get over it...if that's the feeling your looking for, it may never happen...we get thru it...and move on....do you want to start over? what difference will this information make? does a song matter? do cards matter? do mushy words matter? I would think hard about this..you cant unknow....

I do not ruminate over details anymore....Im glad not to deal with more crap.

HEre were my needed questions....did you have sex? how many women did you cheat with? They basically carry on the same way, in each A...

that was it...No...he never admitted to anything...I thought I wanted a hundred answers...I did not. I was very stuck...I struggled with getting thru it...I would have been crazy with details. triggers would be 24/7

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:06 AM, February 22nd (Friday)]

Thank you cancuncrushed.

This is why I love this place (although I wish I never had to meet all of my anonymous internet friends!).

Getting honest feedback from those that have been exactly where you are.

My WH was forthcoming about the emotional details after much prodding he came clean about it on day 2. We were in the car so he didn't have to see my face when he spoke the words. We now wish he was able to see my face because the relief of the honesty brought hope back into my eyes and I'm sure it was beautiful thing. He's sad he missed it out of selfish fear.

I think that moment was the turning point from hurt and anger to healing. That conversation and the fact that it was indeed safe to share that information with me helped me feel safe. I'm a bit of a purist so when I say I want communication to be safe, I want us to not hold back anything ever.

As we've been sharing things from the deepest, darkest parts of us it has solidified our bond again.

I think your need for this is justified. I think she needs to just rip the bandaid off and do it. It won't go away. It just continues the obsession. To have these last details revealed opens the door to begin to put it in the past.

Just be prepared, if you get the full scoop and it drives you to separate, she'll blame you for being cruel and not accepting her "olive branch." Don't be duped. You had a right to the truth from Day 1-- Unspecified.

*Ahem*...this statement is particularly true if "Day 1"= your wedding day and/or engagement day...when you both said vows or at least pledged yourselves to one another.

You had a right for her to be true and to stay true from Day 1.

All the more so after she and her lovely AP(s) started the war that necessitates the frikkin "olive branch" of full disclosure and "surrender".

Oh and by the way... If it they were told it was an open relationship, then why didn't they ever verify that or see your stamp of approval or acknowledgment in some way, rather than her hiding them the whole thing and everything else about it like she's still doing up until now?

[This message edited by Cephastion at 12:19 PM, February 22nd (Friday)]