SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good luck with it.

By the way, I’d really recommend she read Walloped’s threads instead of his wife’s (let me know if you can’t find them).

I think it will be even more impactful to her to see what happens to the BS during infidelity. Perhaps it will really open her heart up to you even more.

Take care.

Jameson1977,

I completely understand your curiosity, but as others have said sometimes it's better not to know. I honestly wish I didn't know some of the details because they play in the movie that goes through my head every day. It's additional torture.

Her telling her AP we were in an open marriage was her way to make him feel no guilt, not that he would have felt guilty as he was screwing a few other married coworkers before and after the A with my WW. I also believe it was said because in her mind, he would likely have been worried about a pissed off husband hunting him down (I really wanted to, but felt it would do no good, and after finding out she told him that, I thought what's the point?).

Interestingly enough, she had a the PA, carried on the EA (physical once, with plans and desires to meet up again) after, then started an EA with another coworker, and had a friend from elementary school that she propositioned "dozens" of times over our relationship (he never took the bait), all together at a birthday party she and some other coworkers were throwing for EA partner (God, it's hard to keep straight).

I remember this night well, it was the first time I had snooped on her phone after she came home. There were some inappropriate messages between her and the long time friend that I confronted her about. She denied and I sort of let it go, but a few years later, I snooped on her email and found the messages to her PA, dday.

I thought to myself, wow, you must have felt so sexy, the PA guy, EA guy and long time friend you wanted to screw all in the same place at the same time. This scenario really had me spinning. I'm a heart on my sleeve kind of guy. I couldn't have slept with someone and come home to my wife and acted like nothing had happened. I just couldn't live with myself. She has a PhD in compartmentalization.

This was a very hard time in our relationship. Our sex life went from 4-5 times a week to once a week. Now, I know once a week doesn't sound too bad for some, but for me anyway, sex isn't all about the release. For me, I get off on me giving my wife pleasure, and I connect with her emotionally through sex. When we dropped to once a week, I felt resentment, and very childishly, I would avoid sex even when she would initiate. Really screwed up thinking, but looking back at this time, it is so obvious that she was getting her needs met elsewhere.

I feel much stronger today and less anxious about reading her details and feel I'll be able to handle it, but I will heed the advice of others to have it written so I can stop and remove myself from it on my terms.

I sometimes - not always - read Joseph's letter as whining and weak. This from an unknown source via HUFI-PUFI reads better, IMO: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp?

I suggest asking your W to read it, if you think it's worthwhile.

I can't help saying that it's better to know truth than not to know it. If you think you're not strong enough to hear an answer, IMO you really need to hear that answer - but I'm an optimist, and I think we're all strong enough for truth.

Just a suggestion - have your WW write EVERYTHING down vs her answering your questions.

Why?

Because waywards are very good at manipulation - they will interpret your questions in whatever way serves them. Maybe your WW will be different, but IMO why leave it to chance?

And if she has a document in which she puts every single nitty gritty detail (assuming you want it), then she can add to it as she remembers stuff.

You can still read or print as you feel able to digest/process.

Finally, be VERY clear about anything you do - or do not - want to know. I told my WH I wanted every stinking detail- no matter how "big" or "small" HE would characterize it (given he's already proven a propensity to lie, cheat, and minimize, I'm not so keen on trusting his ability to differentiate). I think I said I don't care if he remembers she once said she likes Poodles, if he burped during sex, or if her kisses felt like heaven. There should NEVER have been any secrets that he'd need to purge.

Going to have my WW write everything she can down, without me guiding her in terms of what kind of detail(s) I'm looking for. I have made it very clear as to what im looking for so if it is vague, I'll simply hand it back to her and tell her this isn't what I'm looking for.

She did this with the 2 timelines she gave me. If I posted her first timeline, you guys would laugh at it. It was as if she got home, remembered I had asked for it and spent a minute putting things down to paper. The 2nd was a bit more detailed but still let a lot of holes.

The one time i tried to R with my XWW, I had to know everything...EVERYTHING.

When I caught her cheating again, I didn't give a shit about details bc I was done with her.

That's my take on this too Golden. One chance at R, any other improprieties and we are done.

I'm 3 years from Dday and I have yet to get a true timeline. He did a "timeline" but then the MC told him he needed more. Many times he says he is going to work on it and starts it yet it takes him MONTHS and I have yet to see anything. He spends his time doing "cutesy" things and now he is reading marriage help books! I can't think of a marriage with the A still hanging over my head! I am so sick of his narcissistic self playing with my life and my feelings! He says he loves me but is just his codependency speaking. He can't truly know love. I know that I need to just get out of this mess but I'm so tired. I'll be in limbo for the rest of my life. Honestly, I know the timeline isn't going to make a difference to me. It's all BS! They know it is in their heads and we can't prove their feelings. This has all solidified the fact that I don't know him and I never knew him. He was able to lie to me for over 30 years about his morals and values.

At least she says she is going to do it. Just make sure she does.

BeingheldbyJesus, I'm sorry you are going through this, I know exactly how you feel. I was given half hearted efforts at a timeline (twice), and now I'll get the truth or mor details?

I said to her last night as we were in bed? You have all the power in this scenario. She knows all the details and I have only what i could dissect from very few text / emails.

I will make sure she does it, and if it isn't to ky liking, I'll have her do it again. After nearly 4 years, I'm owed that

Last night, she continued on about how sorry she was that she made these horrible choices. I told her the EA's/PA wasn't the thing that bothers me the most (although, discovering then nearly killed me).

About six months after dday, I found a text between her and her PA partner that didnt jive with what I had been told.

I was drunk (common theme for a while after dday) and confronted her about it I knew what I was reading and what it meant, but she denied, denied, and said something very hurtful to me, and I drove off. Unbelievably stupid thing I did, I could have hurt or killed someone, or myself.

Six months after this incident, she finally came clean that what i had thought was in fact true. This kills me, she saw how badly this was affecting me, and all she had to say was "you're right" or "yes", one or two words, that's all it would have taken, but nope, as she says, if I dont admit it or say it out loud, I'm not as bad. This was the absolute low point of my life, and she couldn't even be honest with me. I told her last night, after this, how can I trust you? She didnt have an answer. I rolled over and went to bed (finally got to sleep at 4am).

Well, looks like I'll get the details tonight. A bit anxious but after the good advise here, I feel much more ready.

There isn't anything "new" (other men, more sex, etc.), more the thoughts, messages, etc. sent between my WW and AP's.

I'll update everyone after if it is of any interest.

Thinking of you and hopefully sending positive vibes to your WW to do right by you.

I NEED to know, but have been trickle truthed and gaslit for years

I hope you find peace and closure

How did it go?

I hope you finally got everything you need to move forward.

We had a talk last night, followed by me reading what she had written down about the details.

Much of the talk was her describing how the A's started, what she was feeling at the time, what was discussed between them. It was very emotional (on her part), I just sat quietly taking it in. This was about 45 minutes or so. I felt I got confirmation of what I had pieced together from texts I recovered, emails, etc. but it was good to hear it from her mouth. Part of it was having her verbalize all this shit and say it to my face. I watched her body language carefully, and was able to predict when something difficult was coming.

I took it in stride. I didnt get emotional (didnt let it show anyway). I felt good about the discussion and the take aways.

She then told me she had written some of the ugly details about her A's and I could read them if I wanted to. I did, and some were ugly and really show how f'ed up her thought process was at the time. I have to say it wasn't fully what I was wanting from her, but it is a start.

I brought up Mrswallopped post as an example. I told her this is a women in a similar situation, nearly the same time period from dday. As mentioned before, she had read her initial post but couldn't get through the replies. I explained that when I read her post, I was taken back by how she was able to frame her story in such a way that I could understand her thought process, she didnt skimp on details and imagine it was very difficult for her to write. I told my WW that this level of detail and looking inward was what I am looking for.

She has begun to read in the wayward forum and has told me she will continue to write down things and try to formulate this into a more cohesive story.

I'll keep posting on this thread to keep my thoughts in one place. Appreciate everyone's feedback.

It sounds like you think it was a good start and good conversation. I’m glad. Hopefully I dont have that wrong.

I hope it continues.

I want to re-iterate my suggestion from the first page in this thread that you also need to do some activities together. Do something memory building. It’s important to also connect outside of these tough conversations.

Part of reclaiming a life together is to live it to its fullest.

I know R is a slow road, but experience sharing is as important as discussing the timeline.

Try do do some of both for a while.

As stevesn said, make some new memories. Try ballroom dance lessons.