SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am just looking for anyone in my same boat. WH and I got together when we were 18. He was a virgin. So in theory, I've been the only one he's ever been with. That's made this affair super hard to deal with. I have no evidence (other than things that don't add up and my gut) that the relationship ever got physical. On the other hand, my WS knows that if I ever found out he did sleep with AP it would be over so I'm sure he would take that info to his grave. I've been so naive. I never imagined he'd do this and part of me believes he never would have slept with her, but then again I never imagined he would say and do the things he did with anyone but me. I am wondering if there is anyone in the same boat who was their spouses first ever partner and they still physically cheated on you.

I wasn’t his but he was mine. I’ve asked him how he would feel if it were me that has the a. I’ve time him how nice it must be for him to never have to think of me with someone else. Ever.

I remember that he said one time that he wishes I was his one and only I told him that I didn’t believe him when he said it. After dday, I realized just how much he didn’t mean it. It was during his a. It sure didn’t stop him.

He has said it after dday and I still don’t believe him.

It never bothered me that he had experience before me and I didn’t. Until after dday. Now I resent him. Not because if the ones before me by because of the one during. And I wonder if ap was the only one during our m.

Yes I was his first and yes he physically cheated on me.

He was not my first.

Kinda think he wanted to sew his oats sorta crap.

Dragon, that's exactly what I think too. Why throw everything away for naked photos and sex talk? It doesn't make any sense. He tells me his whys are that he needed and liked the attention, but the thing was he was getting that from me. He wasn't neglected in any sort of way. I did catch it early though (I think), which is what keeps me going back and forth. Although he's proven to be a great liar so who the hell knows?

Well I finally got the truth after, ummmm 11 years of marriage. His PA's were both two woman from work. Three and four were non physical emotional affairs, again woman were he used to work. He said that the two emotional ones were working up to PA's but they never got that far before they or him left that job.

He also looked for no strings attached sex online through Craigslist.

Thing is he was getting non stop sex at home with me. Even my first day home after having a C section...He always got what he wanted. So why go off for it with others....I think he was just selfish. He COULD do it so why not.

Even with this new information and the appearance of full honesty I am still hesitant to believe him 100%. I don't think he sees things like blow jobs as being in a PA. I'm pretty sure that happened after the second PA that I do know about.

It's hard to believe that after having two PA's number three and four were just EA's... And yes liars lie. Once that trust is broken it's very hard to get back.

How did you finally find out the truth??

@deephurt I can't imagine. I was always worried about him not ever having any other experience to compare to,but he assured me he wasn't worried about it. Obviously, it became an issue.

It is an issue for me now. It makes the pa worse in my eyes. I feel like he got to have his fun and I still have o my been with him. It feels very unjust and it eats away at me daily.

But like I said, before dday, it didn’t bother me at all.

My WS and I were first and onlies- together since I was 13 and he was 14. I thought he treasured it as well but I realize that he didn't or could have never done such a thing. He is also a very jealous type but it was okay for him to do all that he did with someone else....

I am angry. I will never have that chance again to be first and onlies with someone. Never. He ruined that for me. It makes me sick! Now sex is just sex. Boring to me. It is ruined.

Were he and the AP ever alone? If they were, you can bet they had sex. Your WH sounds like mine. AFRAID so he lies. I can never believe what he tells me because he is such a coward.

I was my wife's first but she wasn't mine. That was the one thing she told me that she was curious about being with other guys.

deephurt, it eats at me every day as well. And the sex is so different on his side too. I can't help but feel compared.... And I don't want him to be able to claim to be my only. He didn't want me to be his so I don't want him to feel like he is something special to me. I want to experience that with someone else. I feel like I am really missing out. It has to be better than what I have now!

How did you finally find out the truth??

I'm sorry we're you asking me?

If so, well I just demanded to know everything. I was correct in that at least number 3 was a PA too. He doesn't think anything but sex is a PA but they did other things that I do consider to qualify for a PA.

I don't know if he resented me for having had other partners. Sure feels like it. Like he wanted to one up me in that department.

We were each other's first and only's. Been together since I was 14 and he was 16. I used to be so proud of that. Now I resent it. Like someone else said above, how very nice for him that he gets to be the only one who has ever touched his wife in that way. Just one more thing that I have lost that he has been able to keep. This was been such a shock to me, a life changing event (like for us all I know) and at first, 3 years ago now, I just could not fathom us not being together. He was all I knew and him not being a part of my life just seemed so unreal. Unimaginable. After all, we've been a couple since we were literally children. It has taken me three years to get more and more used to the idea but it's happening. For the first time since D-day I am seriously considering leaving him behind for good. A future without him. May not be tomorrow but it may be. It's surreal because I'm serious. Also, it would help if he would actually do some recovery work. He doesn't know what to do so he does nothing instead. I now look at him as a coward when he used to be my prince and sadly I don't know if he could ever change my opinion now.

Sorry, double post.

[This message edited by sickoftears at 9:06 PM, March 11th (Monday)]

They were alone a few times. He actually went to her house to pick her up from a concert (but if i believe the whole timeline he gave me this was right before she told him she had feelings for him so things were still platonic). Although, I never knew he went to her house much less drove her to the concert. Her husband knew and was apparently OK with it since they were all meeting there and that meant they could ride home together. He went to lunch with her once and one coffee break on work days. They ran into a coworker at this kunch and apparently it spooked them both because they realized it wasn't a good look. I honestly don't know. He passed a polygraph, but I can't shake the feeling there's more I don't know. And that's his fault for all the lies and trickle truth.

Yep. It ruins a lot. It has ruined sex for me a little . I still enjoy it but I’m getting pretty tired of that third person being there. I seem to be the only one who sees the other person though.

I used to think he though it was special that I had only been with him but it turns out it never even e there’s his mind and he certainly didn’t act like it was. Now all of a sudden it’s special. Too late.

I have to fight the urge to want to cheat on him sometimes. I don’t want to be that person but if I am really honest it really eats away at me that he got to run around and experience someone else while being fed the ego kibbles. Maybe I’d like to experience sex with someone else. Maybe I’d like someone else to tell me I’m special. It’s good that those are fleeting thoughts and that I have integrity and self worth. I could never actually do it but I am still really angry about it and resent that he treated me with such disregard and disrespect.

I am wondering if there is anyone in the same boat who was their spouses first ever partner and they still physically cheated on you.

I fall in this description. Why does it matter?

Infidelity is damaging no matter the background story.

Ripped, I was curious because to me that would be something that would/should stop a WS in their tracks. How could they ruin something so special? I can now never say that I'm the only one who has seen him naked. That may sound dumb, but was something I cherished. If it was physical, even worse. Which is why I think he's sworn he will never tell me and take it to his grave.

My WS and I were both first and onlies. I agree -- it adds an extra dimension to the wounds inflicted by betrayal and makes healing harder.

layla,

It is crushing. It was such a sweet story to me. I treasured it. I never had a problem not having dated anyone else. He was my first real kiss and I should have been his last, but I'm not. I resent that. I resent it all. I should have dated around. I picked too early and picked the wrong one. I put up with a lot of crap with him. He isn't worth it. I wonder who I missed out on. I will never be someone's only now. And he cared nothing about ruining that for me. What a selfish jerk! I want to be someone's last first kiss. I want to be with someone who feels about fidelity like I do. I can't get past the anger I have for him. He certainly did not love me or think I was special or what we had was special enough to simply work out the problems he thought we had. He just decided to find someone else. And another thing that I feel is so hard about being firsts and this happening is that we are grieving that loss as well all alone because the cheaters are the ones that murdered that part so they aren't grieving with us.

Mine passed a poly that she was the only one, but there are sooo many red flags about other times. He lied so well to me about her until I found the proof and he still tried lying. I just think he is a great liar. He is worried I will leave him so he would never tell me the truth. He is a control freak. Seriously, the more I learn about him, the less I like about him. I was so wrong about him!