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Has anyone here experienced the so called “Plane of lethal flatness”? If so, what did you feel during that time? Was it, as the name implies, a void in your emotions where nothing moved or inspired you? Or was it also coupled with an intense sadness as well?

I think that's a term that they use for a phase of what the bs goes through.

If you are experiencing that, I think it's probably better to look for information on depression, numbing yourself, etc. Brene Brown says when we numb the bad feelings we numb the good ones as well. So, it could be that you are either depressed or you are trying to push down bad feelings and then the good is not getting in either.

You have a history of this I believe. Do you take medication? The only reason I ask is from time to time it needs to be switched up. My sister gets that flat feeling and it's our signal to push her out to her doc and reevaluate her meds.

plane of lethal flatness? This does not sound as if it is a good place to be. Are you feeling as if you just don't care or feel as if you just don't want to go on? If so please contact the suicide hotline. They are skilled at helping people to move out of these type of feelings. Have you discussed this with your doctor? Your doctor might have a program to help you. Please get help. You are a wonderful creation and deserve to feel better with some help you can. Just find someone that you feel comfortable enough to explain everything

Was it, as the name implies, a void in your emotions where nothing moved or inspired you? Or was it also coupled with an intense sadness as well?

Hi ff, Are you going through this or your BW?

POLF means different things to different people. In general, POLF usually follows a period of extreme emotions that the BS experiences after d-day. You've probably heard this referred to as the emotional roller coaster. After an extended period of emotional extremes, the mind can literally turn off the emotional roller coaster, leaving one feeling emotionally void, almost as if nothing matters any more. Based on the research I have done, it is actually fairly normal and can be beneficial to your health. A lot of people view it as an unhealthy state, because the feelings are strange, but I believe the switching off of the emotions are just your bodies way of telling you that you need a break from whatever you're going through.

The intense sadness is a different situation. This is usually depression that can be caused by a feeling of being trapped or hopeless in a particular situation. If the sadness has just come on, then it is likely situational depression and will usually go away in a few days. If the extreme sadness has been lingering for more than two weeks, it's time to contact a professional. If you're feeling suicidal, then definitely seek IC immediately. If you're just really down, start with your normal Doctor and get recommendations from there. An IC can help as well.

I've always been concerned about you and the tremendous pressure you are putting yourself under. You're wise not to ignore the feelings you are having. If you're struggling right now with these feelings, then your mind is giving you a wake up call. I know you think you're being strong, but at some point you will have to seek help beyond SI

ETA: Try doing a Google Search for: Emotional Numbness. There are various articles that should provide better insight and recommendations for dealing with it. It is a real issue for some.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 2:51 PM, March 28th (Thursday)]

hikingout, I think it’s very possible for a WS to experience this too!

ff,

I was stuck in the POLF for years and years. From before our remarriage (🚩🚩 ) to probably around a year or so ago.

I’m not going to rehash the whole history again of starting to date my XBH to remarrying him and our problems and so forth, but I will say that the only thing that helped me out of the POLF was realizing that:

• time is linear and I was only getting older

• I had let go of all of my hopes, dreams, aspirations and everything that made me ”me”—and that no one had made me do that; I had done it to myself

• I was talking to a girlfriend too much about the negativity in my life and marriage without taking any action

• I was extremely codependent and wanted to change

• I didn’t want to spend the rest of my time “between now and dead,” as Dr. Laura would say, like this

I’ve slowly but surely been taking action, and it has gotten better.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 12:04 PM, March 28th (Thursday)]

Thank you all for your replies. To try and answer some questions, I have suffered from depression in one form or another for a very long time. While this could be a manifestation of that, this just FEELS different. While I am still on the rollercoaster, there seem to be more valleys than peaks. When in the valley, everything feels flat. While I have no intention of harming myself, I sometimes have a passing thought that death would be a welcome respite.

I’ve also tried medications of one type of another with none to bad results. The last batch of garbage given to me made things significantly worse such that my wife told me to stop. Truth be told, I’m very hesitant to take these types of medications. The last time I was under a psychiatrists care, the combined meds made me crazy enough that I ended up in a psych ward.

HardenMyHeart

TBH I don’t feel very strong. I was actually thinking this very thing the other day. There have been some changes in our family dynamic that have put an additional burden on me. I sometimes feel like there are the beginnings of cracks in my foundation. But my family is depending on me so I must continue despite that.

DarknessFalls

What sorts of strategies did you use to help yourself out of the polf?

ff, I don't if what I experienced was POLF. I always describe it as a burnout and it very well could be the same thing just a different term. I've only heard POLF used here.

I felt exhausted! After a year or so of the intensity that dday brings and all the healing change I was trying to work through it left me feeling drained. I'm sure it was a slow creep but one day I woke up and I knew I "wasn't okay". I wasn't any more sad than I already was and I was still feeling all of my emotions they were dulled though. My brain felt fried too.

So I slowed down and eventually came back around.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 3:48 PM, March 28th (Thursday)]

This term is used to describe something a BS experiences. After dday, there is a roller coaster of emotions vacillating back and forth from a desperate attempt to step backwards and cling to the unbetrayed love she/he thought she/he had, to hate for the WS. Then, there is the anger phase, which can morph through wishes for revenge, divorce, etc. Eventually, if R is on the table, the BS realizes that the shit sandwich as it's called -- the reality of the A -- is a taste the WS will have to endure, for life. The realization that this is reality forever, that is the start of the POLF.

Because that phenomenon is specific to this level of realization by a BS, it does not apply to a WS. Further, that term is used for couples in R, which means the BS knows about the A. You cannot by definition be in R with your unwitting BS.

However, the POLF is a species depression, and you yourself may be experiencing some form of depression. You might consider seeking IC for this.

FL

I can relate to feeling like my brain is fried. I’ve had up and down days before, but this seems much worse.

Could you elaborate more on what you mean when you say you slowed down?

ff4152

Have you tried St Johns Wort. It is a herbal remedy, with similar effect as Prozac. It may just help take the edge off your depression/low feeling.

However if you take other meds, it can affect how they work

ff4152

May I ask, if you haven't confessed to your affair and it was a LTA of 5 years, what made you end it?

Sunny69

I have not tried SJW but I will give it a look see. Thank you.

Why did I stop the A? My AP and I had a fight in Feb 2016 and we didn’t talk for a while. That helped me detach ever so slightly. I came across an Ask Amy column (she has on of those advice forums) and there was a story that caught my attention. A woman went away on a vacation with her friend, cheated on her husband and got pregnant as a result. There was no way she could hide it as she and her husband are white and the AP was black. She was asking Amy on what to do. I remember being horrified for the H and started reading more about infidelity online.

I then joined SI and started reading all of the horror stories in JFO. That was a turning point for me. My AP and I had started talking again around the same time and had planned to meet. The morning of the meetup I called her and broke it off.

ff4152

Thankyou for your replies.

I think you referred to your AP as a side chick on a previous post, that you were each other's BF/GF outside the marriage. May I ask why you thought this was ok?

Do you find yourself still missing the AP or missing parts of her/your relationship that you enjoyed, but don't have the same connection about, with your wife?

I'm sorry I keep coming back to you, but I feel I see a connection between your mindset and that of my WS. I'm hoping you can help me understand where my WS either lacks honesty with me or I just do not hear him properly because of my own pain.

Sunny

Why did I think having a side chick was ok? Like most WS, I felt I deserved it. After all, my wife didn’t love me and besides, even if she found out she wouldn’t care.

That was some of the crap I told myself during the affair. I conveniently ignored all of the things she did selflessly which showed me how much love she had for me. She kept it together when I fell apart. She was there for all of the hospital visits. She still stuck around despite me being a selfish prick. It was only after I ended the A did I realize that she wasn’t the one who turned her back on the marriage, it was me.

Do I miss the AP or any part of the A? Frankly, I do not. That certainly wasn’t the case immediately after ending the A. I let “the one” get away after all. It wasn’t until a couple of months later that the scope of what I had done really hit me. My AP wasn’t this angel sent from heaven. She was as broken and morally bankrupt as I. I risked everything, pissed all over my vows and integrity and betrayed the best woman on the planet.

No worries about asking me questions. If they help you in some small way, that’s all I can hope for.

Could you elaborate more on what you mean when you say you slowed down?

Sorry for the late response. I prioritized where my energy was spent. I was doing the maximum in every area that called for me to step up and then some. Waking up one day and realizing I wasn't good, whether intentional or not I started doing the bare minimum unless it was something that really did need my full attention. It didn't last long doing it this way but it was probably needed to recharge. Soon enough I felt grounded again like my tank was full and I made the decision to slow down as in I don't have to have it all figured out or get it all done right this instant and I prioritized what needed me and what could wait. That could mean anything from chores to my "work" and everything in between, YMMV. You know your situation best and you know where you can pull back a little. Basically it was implementing some self care into the mix.

FF4152, are you sleeping? Do you wake up somewhat rested at all? I am in POLF right now and no, I don’t feel sad. Don’t feel much of anything. It is different from depression in that I do have some energy to accomplish tasks, I just don’t feel much emotions. When I do, it is like watching myself from above, completely detached. Very strange. Like I know I would/should feel this or that, I just don’t feel anything. It kind of feels nice in a weird way, after the insanity of last 14 mo.

Also, if you are on any medication, I would be careful with St. John wort...herbs are not harmless and do have side effects.

Can you elaborate on what you mean when you say you don’t feel very strong. Physically? Or mentally?

IDM

Can you elaborate on what you mean when you say you don’t feel very strong. Physically? Or mentally

I feel exhausted mentally which in turn drains me physically. I’m pretty sure this is just garden variety depression, especially when compared to what you’re experiencing.

I sleep like dead and can even recall my dreams on occasion. This current state just feels different. It feels crushing most of the time although there are moments of respite. Especially when my mind is diverted to something other than this.

Speaking as a BS: yes. I'm still in it. Intellectually and mentally I know I love my fWW. But I still, after 2 1/2 years in do not feel it.

The worst part for me, is the current lack of ability to give a flying fuck about any of her petty problems. And in a way, it's a healthy thing for me, since before her affair I ran around putting out her fires. No more.

I think with time, and as long as she continues doing what she is doing, my feelings of love for her will return. Until then I do not worry. Time is on my side.

Has my fWW experienced it? I really don't know. I haven't cared enough to ask her.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 12:34 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

I experienced the POLF. Out of it now. I was severely depressed after D day 1 and immediately started on antidepressants. Felt better after a few months and stopped medication. Then came D day 2 , 6 months after D day 1. Severe depression again. Restarted Lexapro. At that point I only cared about DD, DS and my job. They were the only things that brought me joy. I had been madly in love with WH before Day 1 and even after. That was until D Day 2. I felt nothing. I actually looked at him and felt nothing. I lost the passion I had in my M and also in my life. I no longer cared about activities I had previously enjoyed. Now, 2.5 years after D day , I finally feel better. I have begun to love my WH again. Off meds now.

I feel exhausted mentally which in turn drains me physically. I’m pretty sure this is just garden variety depression, especially when compared to what you’re experiencing.

I sleep like dead and can even recall my dreams on occasion. This current state just feels different. It feels crushing most of the time although there are moments of respite. Especially when my mind is diverted to something other than this. 

Ever heard the saying, you're only as sick as your secrets? And that the first step to recovery is being honest? Maybe continuing to be duplicitous is weighing on you more than you'd like to admit.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 12:25 PM, April 5th (Friday)]