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Well, after a year of counseling I found out that he was in contact with his OW for about another year.

My whole family was together over Thanksgiving and went to a new 500 million dollar park here (she lives close to the park). We ran into her. Both of my daughters were with us. He turned the whitest shade of pale I’ve ever seen. We passed each other and I just said “yeah, I know who you are” and she never flinched. Just kept walking. So that got me riled up and I asked him later if they had been in contact. He said she did contact him a couple times but he told her it was over. Then the next day I put pressure on him and he said yes they had been in contact quite a bit. But mostly small talk. Went to lunch one time and he knew it was over after that. But still stayed in some contact with her then he blocked her number. (I had removed her Number from his phone but apparently he would just put the number in, text her and then delete it)

He would never give me access to the phone bill but I found the password and got in so I could see for myself. There was NC for a couple months then slowly started ramping up to many txts most days. Some calls but not a lot.

We went to Florida together a couple times in that period and there were lots of texts up until the day we left and started again the day after we got back. This hurts so much. I said “you were still talking to her as you were watching me bleed out”. That’s how it feels.

He says he just wanted to remain friends with her. That he had really let her down. Took him a while to get her out of his head.

Since he blocked her I have seen that she’s tried contacting him a few times but not a lot. I do think it’s over but I’m just so over it.

It kills me because we have our first grand baby on the way but I have retained an attorney and am so close to filing. I refuse to be so disrespected anymore.

He’s all about us staying together now, raising grand baby together etc. says he was totally messed up in the head. But hasn’t done much IC at all. I know he has to work hard to figure out how he let this happen.

So what does “I thought we could be friends” really mean? Thank you in advance!

It means he's trying to justify his own shitty behavior to himself so he doesn't have to realize just how shitty he really is.

He liked it. He liked having it all. He still wanted to have it all. Why give up the best of both worlds? The woman he loves and the excitement on the side...The security of Reality and the fun of Fantasy all at once?

I used a similar analogy "you shot me full of holes and got angry at me for bleeding"

Sad and pathetic how at their core so many stories are really the same.

Yes Chaos, hard to wrap your mind around. I had no idea he had it in him. Still blames it on the marriage. Hasn’t learned much. I guess that’s his way of “justifying” it all. Whatever makes him feel better I guess.

Your WH made a unilateral decision to continue contact during R. What's his plan to stop making unilateral decisions?

“Honesty is a good value because it's something you have complete control over, it reflects reality, and it benefits others (even if it's sometimes unpleasant)“

So what does “I thought we could be friends” really mean? Thank you in advance!

It means he wanted the “friendship” to continue. Knowing it was disrespectful to you and the marriage he acted like a spoiled child and did exactly what he wanted.

I found out during Reconciliation that my husband resumed the affair and was once again planning on D me. So at DDay2 I executed plan B. Suddenly he is begging for a second chance.

And this was his second Affair. First was a 4 year EA 15 years ago.

But this time I stood my ground. Best thing I ever did. Now he’s afraid I might leave him. He better not make a mistake because I will do it. I have the money and means and an iron clad post nup under my belt. Plus I have managed all the money for 30 years and he cannot get away with anything.

I firmly believe my power was restored on DDay2 when I told him he left me with no choice - I had to D him. I was done with his lying and cheating. I took back my power in that one statement.

In 5 years that we have reconciled I have not done his laundry. I don’t cook unless I want to. I have a number of activities I do on my own. I don’t include him. They are for me. Not us.

I made a critical mistake in the 90s with his 1st 4 year EA. No consequences. Never discussed. The OW was gone. End of story. Except his next mid life Affair was more damaging because he wanted to divorce me.

If there are no consequences- the cheater continues to push boundaries. Like “I only spoke to her once but it is still no contact”. No!!! NC is broken. Do not allow him to dance around the hard line of NC was broken. Do not let him explain or justify his continued affair. Because when they talk I am certain it is not “idle chatter”. He could do that with anyone.

Put the boots on. Play hardball. Make demands and he either meets them or you take some drastic steps. Some people have to learn the hard way unfortunately.

And if he still doesn’t get it - I say do the hard 180 at a minimum. Forget what he wants. What do you want?

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:55 AM, March 29th (Friday)]

It means you were Plan B.

I'm sorry.

k9

It really irks me when I hear the cheater cares more about the AP’s feelings than their spouse .

"He’s all about us staying together now, raising grand baby together et"

sure he is.

he wants to have both of you. He doesn't get to have that. I'm sorry. I'd be done. There is nothing left when he's lied to you for this long and THEN says he still wants to be her friend.

Thank you all for your responses!

The1stWife, you sound so strong. I feel myself getting there slowly. We have always had a very imbalanced relationship. He’s the strong domineering one. Controls all finances etc. but I believe after we BS’s put up with so much it forces us to find our strength and stand our ground. My IC told me that life’s circumstances ALWAYS forces you to grow in a positive direction. And we will come out better and stronger in the end. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and I totally believe that. I feel it in myself.

I will not allow him to walk all over me anymore.

Do you have access to your tax filings? This is a good place to start as all interest earned must be listed for accounts.

Do you have access to his business filings? He could be hiding assists there.

You need to become a financial detective. Take control of your life. Knowledge is power.

This doesn't seem like a good thing in my opinion. He said he doesn't want to hurt her/let her down, but what about YOU? YOU are his priority...doesn't he care about hurting you?

He doesn't seem to get it and I don't think you really made any progress on R, in fact this seems like a huge setback.

He doesn't have the right to decide unilaterally if he wants to be friends with her, that was never part of your deal I'm assuming?

I'd take a step back and a long hard look at whether you really think he will stop lying. He clearly doesn't take you seriously.

SoMuchSadness:

I am sorry you have found your WH has TT’d you and there was more contact. In my opinion this is all about your WH still wanting control and not being dictated to on who he can communicate with by you.

You have said your WH is a high powered individual, type A, a physician who believes in your M it’s his way or the highway. He was terrible in blaming you for his A behavior, but of course, deep down as a big shot physician he felt entitled to do what he wanted. Thus he continued contact.

He has emotionally abused you throughout your M, belittling and bullying you to get his way. Now that there is a GC he wants to play all good guy! You have put yourself and your priorities on the back burner for your family for far too long. This egotistical asshole needs to know your boundaries, apologize to you, and feel your pain. You are just as important as he is in the M. It’s a partnership. I hope you are in IC and can heed the advice to be strong and demand respect. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 1:56 PM, March 29th (Friday)]

(((SSMS))))

He is telling you what he thinks you need to hear.

Remember his actions tell you otherwise.

Stop listening to his words, rather watch his actions.

I know this hurts terribly and feels like you are starting all over. But always always always put yourself and your needs first.

Making yourself the priority will help you decide the best path forward for you.

Cheaters lie and minimize. He continued the affair for another year. This wasnt about friendship. This was taking the affair underground.

I'd make a polygraph a requirement before you even consider trying to attempt reconciliation. Otherwise,you are swallowing his continued lies,and reconciliation with a liar wont work.

You need to be tested for STDs immediately.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:36 PM, March 29th (Friday)]

((SSMS))

Perhaps a good analogy maybe helpful for you.

The most positive, powerful, uplifting actions are done in the 'light'. Done with a clear conscience, with positive emotions, in an honest, sincere way.

This 'light' maybe considered as love, honesty, care, concern, positive affection, respect etc.

This is the type of 'light' you want for your family, and something you want your children to experiance, and to aspire to.

You would realise this after D Day, which brought so much darkness into your life, and the life of your family.

Through appropriate counselling, and honesty from your wh, this light returns, and over a period of time, and with effort, may be restored.

So what am I leading to.. Your husband still reaching out to this AP is still actions in the dark. Still darkening your door step, and the lives of you and your family.

If your husband refuses to be totally committed and open going forward, then you need to look at your options. Having this dark cloud remaining over you and the family, will have effects not only with you, but your children.

Let total light back in. Get rid of the dark.

((hugs))

It means you have been in False R for a year. I know first hand what that feels like as I too was in False R for a year.

It's a different feeling than the A itself - at least it was for me. I feel undervalued in a way that I cannot explain and only those who have been through false R seem to understand. It hits me in waves...sometimes I will look at him and think "who is this person??" Once, although my WH has NEVER laid a hand to me, he sat next to me on the arm of the couch where I was sitting and tried to wrap his arm over my shoulder, draping his hand forward, and for an instant I tensed up...AFRAID HE MIGHT STRANGLE ME.

I can't tell you what a moment that was for me - it wasn't just betrayal - it was total fear. I was afraid of him at that moment - mortally - and it filled me with shame and anger and really, honestly, that moment more than anything, made me realize how much damage he had done to "us" by his continued contact, because I knew he had watched my pain, misery, sadness, and I had laid my own feelings out there, only for him to purposely trick me for a year. Later when we came to my room to lie next to me, it reminded me of an old movie called "Sleeping with the Enemy" (woman is married to a mass murderer and doesn't know it) and I felt like that was my life.

I'm so sorry you are here. Lean on all of us as much as you want.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 3:45 PM, March 29th (Friday)]

SoMuchSadness.

Thank you for the compliment. I used to be a doormat. I always gave in to him to avoid arguments b/c most of the time the fight was over nonsense IMO.

My H had a lot of freedom. Corp exec who traveled extensively (not where his affairs occurred believe it or not). So I was home weekly with kids & house etc. I can manage in my own.

My biggest regrets:

Not putting up strict boundaries after his first EA of 4 years that he denied. I believe it allowed him to cheat again.

Thinking I could reason with him during the Affair and “fix” it

Not having a plan B ready to act on at DDay1

Not throwing him out the door at Dday1 when he told me he was having an affair and then 10 days later wanting a D

But when I realized I had been in false reconciliation for 6 months - well the rage overtook me. But I never cursed him or yelled. I was calm and rational. 3 short sentences were spoken to him and I left the room.

He never expected me not to take him back and rug sweep this affair also. He never expected I would tell him to get out. He said he’s not leaving. I stood up and made a call - hung up the phone and said on “x” date you will be staying with a friend. After that you figure out where you will live.

I entertained no discussions. None. Hard 180.

When he pestered me to Reconcile I told him only if you sign a post nup. We had no $ coming into this marriage. We hit where we are on our own. And he was not getting any of my $. So he willingly signed. I did it go orotect myself and still planned to D him.

We have reconciled. He has changed. He regrets all of it. The disrespect and ego boosts and his poor choices. He always treated me well. Except during his Affair and his refusal to be accountable if late (another 15 year fight to have him pick up the phone and say he would be late - hours late).

Now he is afraid I will leave him. Yup - he should be b/c I am at a point that while I love him, I refuse to be unhappy. For any reason. And if I am unhappy tho he will change.

And he knows it. I got my strength b/c I had to be the strong parent did my children. He was cheating and acting like a kid in middle school in love and I’m dealing with an abusiive boss, kids, his affair, a death in the family of a young adult completely unexpected and DDay2. And Christmas. And my child being in an abusive relationship.

Self preservation. I finally decided I must come first. Not him. Not the marriage. Me!!

I recently had a birthday. He spoiled me rotten. I know he does love me. He makes amends every day. I see it. I feel it.

Maybe your H gets it now. Maybe not. But he needs to demonstrate that. His actions will tell you e erythi g you need to know. And he needs to work his way back to the marriage by proving he will remain faithful. Permanently.

Do not make it easy for him.

My husband continued the affair after dday 1. Their contact was much diminished because of my breakdown and hypervigilance after dday 1 a month earlier - but that just made it more intense emotionally. Continued contact in my opinion simply means continued cake eating and selfishness. My husband thought they could be friends too - but you can’t be friends with someone you think you’re in love with. My actions on dday 2 are in my profile story.

Basically, I think they view us a mothers - we’ll never leave and we love them unconditionally like we do our children. Much like I wouldn’t stop loving my son if he stole from me - I would still be his mother even if I had to implement tough love - my husband thought I would always be there...no matter what. I fixed that misconception on dday 2. And like your WH, he was all about stepping up and saving the marriage. Of course, that should have been his mindset on dday 1!

About 6 weeks later - he was doing everything right but how did I know if he was still NC? I had no idea for the month he continued the affair and I certainly couldn’t just take his word for it. Ione day, I came home from work and he was all excited about buying this humungous $2500 TV. I kept trying to talk him out of it but he had a comeback for my every argument “I worked it into our budget! It’s 25% off! We can make monthly payments over two years! It’s interest free! We can put our tax return down on it!” Finally I said my real reason for not wanting the TV. “Do you really think this is the best time to make a major purchase? We should be paying down our debt in case we divorce.” He was floored. He thought I’d taken it off the table. He thought good old Sass was always going to be there.

You need to find your strength. Take the emotion out of it. I became very no-nonsense after dday 2. I was devastated but I had life changing decisions to make - and they couldn’t be made with my heart.

Now my husband has stepped up. It’s been nearly 7 years. But he understood that even the hint of dishonesty would tip the scales and bring the lawyers into it. He had to put in tremendous effort and become very aware of his actions. It wasn’t until the 2 year mark that I told him I was no longer considering divorce. Complacency is no longer an issue in our marriage - and that my love is very conditional.

Thank you all so much for the advice and support!! It helps me realize that what he’s been doing is dead wrong. He has a way of “minimizing” everything and then I start questioning if it’s really a big deal or not. . It’s a total head game.

The1stWife. Yes, I am learning if there are no consequences then they keep pushing the boundaries.

Sassylee thank you. I got the mother thing too. He said he thinks of me differently. Not as a sexual being anymore.kind of motherly. I am 56 keep myself in shape so not sure where that comes from. But I want to say “you’re older than me asshole!!”

ThisIsSoLonely... I agree about it being different than the affair. They see the pain and devastation and it’s not enough to make them stop. Also, I have had moments too where I wondered if he might hurt me. It’s the most bizarre feeling I’ve ever had. I get it.

Thank you again each and every one of you. You each have given me something that I can grasp onto This helps give me the strength I need to stand my ground because I am Mrs Nice Guy but not anymore.