SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First of all, I want to express gratitude for this site and community. I dealt with this the first time in silence until I told my mom and brother, and now that it has happened again, I am in the midst of the initial chaos and cannot think clearly about where to go next. This experience often feels so lonely, and I am glad this resource is here for me and others to help each other through this devastating experience.

So this is the story. I first discovered my wife cheating about 6 years ago by seeing text messages. She was new to cheating (I think) so hadn't developed the sophistication for hiding things that she has now. I held onto the information for about a month before confronting her and asking her to stop. Not only did she not stop, she started several affairs (at least 4 that I know of at different times). We went through the cycles of me telling her I was going to leave and her convincing me to stay and that she would change. She convinced me I was part of the reason for the affairs and I needed to change. I tried to become the best husband I could be and we were closer, but this didn't stop the affairs. We also did counseling which helped us some but still didn't stop affairs. I allowed this to go for three years until I had seen a lawyer and was working on new living arrangements because I was done and figured she wasn't going to change. Before this plan went into action, my kids discovered the affair. I think the main reason I had let it go on this long was because on not being sure how to handle this with them and the thought of breaking up our family.

After it was revealed to the whole family, we separated for a couple months and I told her I needed to figure out my next actions. We did more counseling and talked often. By the end of summer, I had decided to try reconciliation. I don't have a great sense for why other than it seemed to be what my gut was telling me.

So, she moved back in and things seemed decent but never great. At the same time, our daughter was undergoing issues with drugs, behavior, etc. and this started to consume our attention. So, it never really felt like at the time that we got to give time and energy to the healing process. We felt like we were in constant crisis with our daughter. Eventually, we started to talk about how we could better reconnect and develop trust. But I always felt like something was broken and may never feel the same. I questioned my decision to stay together. We reached a point where our daughter had to go away for an addiction/ therapeutic program. As part of this, we each had individual and family counseling and started to try to directly deal with the distance between us. Things seem to improve somewhat and some of the ice started to thaw between us. But then our daughter came home after three months in a program and almost immediately started getting into trouble again which has shifted the focus. We have three types of counseling and other programs to help her, but there still is often struggle and relapse.

So, over this time frame (about three years), I hadn't seen anything that led me to believe that I couldn't trust my wife and that she truly had changed her ways. Call it paranoia or gut feeling, but I still checked on text messages, etc. on a periodic basic even though I had started to reestablish some trust. So, this week I checked and there they were-messages to the man she had the original affair with. This was not just friendly chit chat. It was recalling special intimate memories and sharing some graphic new pictures. There was also discussion of meeting up soon.

This happened three days ago, and I am just at a loss. She has insisted all these years since I thought it stopped that there is no way that she would ever do it again (I am sure this is classic) because she saw how it affected the family and me. I had mostly bought into it also but now feel ridiculous and devastated. How could I be so stupid goes through me head a hundred times a day. I only sleep a few hours a night and am having trouble eating. I know from before that I need to take care of myself, but it is hard to do so. She says I have been very grumpy and wonders what is going on. It was a stressful week otherwise, so I just blamed my depression and anxiety and told her I am in a funk. Ironically, she told me my attitude needs to improve because it is affecting her. She doesn't know that I was able to see her initial text messages, but her and the other person have gone underground on a different app.

I don't think I have the effort or desire to ever again attempt reconciliation. It feels like starting over and like I would have to go through all of the emotions of discovery and recovery all over. In my mind, I am moving more to the stage of how to reveal this to her, the kids, etc. and how to proceed with divorce. This is a bit tricky because we are financially strapped and in deep debt. I don't know how we could live in separate locations right now. It is also complicated by the fact that her aging parents and three kids live with us.

I know there is a great deal of perspective on this site and that my perspective is not anywhere near clear right now, so I appreciate all of the wisdom in advance.

Men aren’t the only serial cheaters. Have you thought she might be a SA? You need to give yourself time to read The Healing Library, go to IC and give yourself a break.

Look after your health. Get plenty of sleep, eat healthy and no drugs or alcohol. A doctor might prescribe something if you need it.

skyrun11:

If you read my posts you will see that I am usually hesitant to advise drastic action in 99% of the stories we see here. But your case is the exception. If it were me I would not confront her. I would see an attorney and file for D pronto and have her served immediately. You can always stop the process if she snaps out of it and is willing to make real changes. So many red flags. What consequences has she suffered as a result of her initial betrayal years ago? Very little. After her first A you played the pick me game which always fails. She sees your actions trying to be better as pathetic or weak. You are not alone in this by the way. But even if you were to confront her now she would blame you again for causing her to have an A with another man, and dare you to do something about it. Your WW has never shown true remorse and done the work to help you heal.

Value yourself. You need to put yourself as a priority. Your WW knows about her aging parents and your dd’s problems but she selfishly goes ahead and pursues another man anyway. Why? The only person she cares about is herself. She doesn’t give a shit about you or your M, your children or her parents. That is the harsh truth here. Do not let these other issues deter you from taking action.

You deserve so much better. You have suffered enough. Don’t beat yourself up for giving her another chance to try and keep an intact family. You are to be commended. It was your WW who failed you and your family again. If the OM is married expose to the OBS after you have her served. Get tested for STD’s. Implement the 180. Protect yourself financially. Be the stable parent for your kids. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 3:57 PM, March 30th (Saturday)]

Gently, her actions have made her parents none of your concern.

Many of us have been where you are, and believe me, poor and peace of mind wins out over financially stable and miserable.

I first discovered my wife cheating about 6 years ago by seeing text messages. She was new to cheating (I think) so hadn't developed the sophistication for hiding things that she has now. I held onto the information for about a month before confronting her and asking her to stop. Not only did she not stop, she started several affairs (at least 4 that I know of at different times). We went through the cycles of me telling her I was going to leave and her convincing me to stay and that she would change.

You have taught her how she can treat you.

She convinced me I was part of the reason for the affairs and I needed to change. I tried to become the best husband I could be and we were closer, but this didn't stop the affairs. We also did counseling which helped us some but still didn't stop affairs.

You made the typical mistakes. It's your fault? Nope, sure wasn't. She alone made the willing choice to have not one but more affairs.

You've also tried the "nicing her back" method which always fails and just lowers your status even more.

The only one keeping you in this infidelity merry go round is you. Until you decide to get off you'll continue to get what you've been getting.

Fear is a liar. You should quit letting it rule you.

You have control over this if you want it.

skyrun, I'm sorry you are here.

You are going through pure hell.

Her cheating has never been about you. There's something broken inside her. You could've have been the best person in the world. It's all about her selfishness.

I understand you are financially strapped. Does your place of employment offer an EAP or employee assistance program?

First thing to do is expose. If this Asshat she's texting is married or in a relationship you should let the OBS (other betrayed spouse) know immediately without letting your wife know yet.

Gather your ducks in a row. See your attorney, if you have to, get a loan to pay for him/her.

Hire Mr. I Eat Sharks and then tell her you are done. Expose this affair to everyone you know.

Do you have friends that can help you through this?

Use them, confide in someone. This is crazy making stuff.

Keep posting and let us know how you are.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 4:07 PM, March 30th (Saturday)]

Thanks for just laying it all out there as it will help you receive specific advice as many here have been through similar situations.

First off, your WS is now a well established self-centered, unempathetic serial cheater. One thing that comes along as part of that package is that she is also a master manipulator. She has been just nice enough to keep you from leaving, tries to push blame onto you, gets you to do the "Pick Me dance" as you hope it will stop her from continuing to cheat and she is also able to manipulate other men into having an affair with her. While your senses are likely shock from the recent discovery, you need to clearly see that your WS had no intention of changing or reconciling.

Second, you're taking too much responsibility. Your WS had multiple affairs and continues to do so. As a result, she burned your marriage to the ground. The only way that gets rebuilt is if both of you are 100% in it together and she obviously is not. She also, by extension, blew up your family. More than likely, your daughter's behaviour and attempts to escape through drugs are correlated with your WS's abuse of the family and your WS's lack of modeling responsible behaviour. It isn't your choice to break up the family -- your wife already did that. It isn't your fault if the kids are impacted -- they already are.

Hopefully those two things help you as you explore your options. You shouldn't put up with the disrespect your WS continues to give you both for your own good, but also so that your kids clearly see that they shouldn't ever accept it in their lives either.

With so that being said, I want to add a few things...

1. You aren't alone in this. There are many of us who tried to do the "Pick Me! Dance" as an attempt to save the marriage. There are plenty who thought they were on a good path only to find themselves be betrayed again. The only thing that matters now is that you see more clearly what you are up against and how to best deal with it.

2. Don't disclose your evidence. If you confront at all, the only thing you need to say is "I know that you haven't been honest with me and that you've been cheating on me." You don't need to answer any questions (e.g. "How do you know?", "You can't prove that", etc.). Doing so only allows her to get better at hiding things and to craft stories to manipulate you (or even the kids, extended family, etc.)

3. Take steps to educate yourself. See a lawyer for a free consultation. Maybe do it several times with different attorneys to potentially block who your WS could use. Make sure you know all about your finances. Uncover whatever you can about any money your wife may have spent on an AP. You'll want to have a good idea on what your options are.

4. Invest in IC for yourself. You have a lot to heal from and you'll also need tools to shield yourself from the toxic situation you find yourself in. Moving towards a healed self is the best thing you can do for both yourself and for your kids.

I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but welcome -- this is a great place to vent, receive advice and get encouragement.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 4:10 PM, March 30th (Saturday)]

Does the OM live locally? Is he married? Does she have an opportunity to meet with him without you knowing?

Does she work? Are you financially dependent on her?

When you speak with a divorce attorney also inquire about filing for bankruptcy and how the debt would be divided.

I'm sorry about your awful situation, I think it's time to file for D and end this sham of a M, her betrayal is huge, she's been exposing you to potentially life threatening STDs, stop playing russian roulette with her, plus during a family crisis with your daughter's addiction she has the brilliant idea to cheat, yet again. Her parents are no longer your concern, she made it that way the second she decided to have sex with someone else the first time. File for D and have her served without warning, tell her that after her huge betrayal to at least have the decency to move out with her parents, maybe OM is willing to take them (yeah right).

She's a serial cheater, end this now and save yourself from years of more heartbreak and infidelity, she's shown you who she is, BELIEVE HER actions, not her words, she's blown every chance at R you've given her, you know it's time to let go and end this farce, you deserve much better.

Wow-so much to take in, but the pat has become pretty clear. Initially, I was thinking I need to wait and gather more evidence, but after reading your posts, I know this is more delusion and procrastination. Thank your for pushing me to do what is best for me and for giving me some different perspective.

I have always been a people-pleaser that has tried to avoid conflict, but what kind of message is that sending to my kids and what kind of damage is this doing to me. I had actually been working on this in therapy and meditation before this most recent discovery. I feel like I have been advocating for myself and my needs more, and now I need to come up with the ultimate courage to do so now.

Your right-this does feel like pure hell. I am physically ill right now (she thinks it is food poisoning and haven't been sleeping more than 4 hours per night. I know I have gone cold with her, and she seems to be going a little crazy trying to figure out what is wrong which I must admit taking pleasure in. I think it feels even worse this time because I actually felt like I was starting to trust her again. There is no way I could go that long painful process of reconciliation again. I did a consultation with a lawyer a few years ago and plan to do so again this week. I had been doing IC not to long ago to help work the stress over our daughter and plan to contact my counselor today. I also started looking through the Healing Library and will go back to a book that helped me very much during the initial betrayal (Living and Loving after Betrayal). This book gives similar advice similar to what many are saying and has specific practices for healing and focusing on yourself.

I do really appreciate the comments about facing fear, being poor but having peace of mind and letting me know I have control if I want it. My mom was very supportive in the past, and I will finally be alone to where I can call her today. I also have some friends at work that have been an amazing support system and that I can be fully honest with.

The OM lives out of town and is divorced. She has applied for a traveling job with his company (convenient isn't it?). She told me about the job but has no idea that I know he is connected to this. I am not sure about the reasoning behind exposing her beyond the family and close friends. I don't want to do anything that stoop anywhere close to her level, and I don't want a bunch of people asking the kids. It will be hard enough on them. I am still blown away that she would do this when our daughter has been in crisis.

So even though I feel rundown, I feel like a have plan to move forward and rip off the band aid. I am going to take tomorrow to rest, make some appointments and get some support. When, she gets home from work, I am going to tell her just that I know she has been cheating, that I want to separate, and that I will be seeing a lawyer. I am also going to tell her that she needs to tell the family and kids or that I will. This is eating me away inside, and I know that I cannot wait any longer. Thank all of you the advice and for helping me to move forward. I know it will be a long process.

When, she gets home from work, I am going to tell her just that I know she has been cheating, that I want to separate, and that I will be seeing a lawyer. I am also going to tell her that she needs to tell the family and kids or that I will.

I'm glad you've finally arrived at the conclusion that you don't want to go through this nightmare anymore with her, however I suggest you change some of the above and instead of "I want to separate" tell her "I'm filing for D" and just have her served, I also suggest you tell your family and friends the truth about why you decided to end the M, don't allow her to blame you and re-write marital history to them, tell the children the truth in a sanitized day.

When, she gets home from work, I am going to tell her just that I know she has been cheating, that I want to separate, and that I will be seeing a lawyer. I am also going to tell her that she needs to tell the family and kids or that I will.

Why? Remember, she is a master manipulator and this would be giving her room to go manipulate you, your kids, family/friends, etc. She doesn't deserve ANY insight into what you know or what you plan to do because she will only use it against you.

Go see a lawyer and figure out your plan and timing. Then, when the time is right, have a conversation with the family and with the kids about how you've done everything possible to avoid this, but your wife continues to choose to not be faithful to the marriage, so you don't have another option. And then coordinate the separation/divorce notice accordingly. Never threaten or tip her off about your next steps. Just do.

Then expect her to pull out a full arsenal of tactics against you. She could try to love-bomb you into not going through with it. Or claim that she can't live without you and indicate that she is suicidal to get you to sideline your plans. Or get angry and indicate that it was your fault that she pursues other men in the hopes you'll respond and take on some responsibility for her actions. Or flaunt the affair to make you mad or jealous. Or go lie to family/friends about you and try to gain support. Or try to get into an argument over something that results in you having physical contact with her (e.g. wrestling over a phone or restraining her as she comes at you) so that she can claim domestic violence, get a restraining order, kick you out of the house and separate you from the kids. Or try various approaches until one tips control in her favor. She is a manipulator and she will try to use those skills to regain power.

You've tried being nice. Many of us did too. It doesn't work. Nice plays into the hands of a manipulator. She has been calling the shots through her actions and effectively telling you and your kids that you will accept the unacceptable. That needs to stop right now and that happens through your actions. That doesn't mean you become mean in return -- not at all! You simply take action that indicates that you are done tolerating the intolerable and that you are also finished seeing that play out in your kid's lives.

I am glad for you that you are getting out of the hell you have been put through. Yes, it can be a long process but there is light at the end of the tunnel. You have suffered enough. Strength to you moving forward.

The OM lives out of town and is divorced. She has applied for a traveling job with his company (convenient isn't it?). She told me about the job but has no idea that I know he is connected to this.

Pack her bags one Friday and put them in the trunk of your car. When she gets home, tell her you planed a surprise weekend getaway for the two of you.

Then on Saturday drive her to his house (don't tell her beforehand) and walk up to the door and tell him he can have her, and as she's freaking out and melting down, tell her you are divorcing her and ask her to do you both a favor and stay there with him.

Throw her bags on the lawn and leave.

On your counsel, I am going to try to get into a lawyer before I confront her. Many of the manipulative strategies have come out in the past-suicide,love bomb, etc. I have confided in my mom and good friend to get it off my chest which feels a bit better. I love the weekend getaway idea but he doesn't live here. I did think about doing something dramatic like that to really set the point in.

What is "enough" for you to truly walk away?

Seriously? What does she have to do to show you who she is and that she doesn't love/value/respect you?

Figure out what your "enough" is and I would bet you already crossed that line multiple times.

Do what you should have done a long time ago.

I strongly advise you to buy a VAR, voice activated recorder. The last thing you need is a false DV, domestic violence charge slapped on you.

Having a VAR will help you defend against that. You will need to learn that you have to treat D,divorce, like a business transaction. You need to protect yourself and be the rock for your children through the shitstorm your going through.

Please say a few lawyers. Find the best fit for you. Also once you see a lawyer for a consultation, your WW can not use that lawyer.

skyrun11, just know that we are all pulling for you.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 6:32 PM, March 31st (Sunday)]

I am glad to see you saw the right path. Its pretty clear in this case every other option other than "D" would be wasted time and energy. Good luck dude, there's a better person and life right outside the door just waiting for you.