SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sounds like it was just regret and getting caught. Remourse is a totally different thing.

A lot ot BS's jump into wanting to save the marriage from infidelity. You can't fix it yourself.

Better think about what you're dealing with or you could end up getting another dose of what you've been through.

How do you tell the difference between remorse and regret of getting caught? This is my first and maybe my last marriage. I do believe I need to go to an IC.

Thanks!

Memorize:

180; lawyer; plan; stick to the plan.

180; lawyer; plan; stick to the plan.

180; lawyer; plan; stick to the plan.

The difference between remorse and regret is outlined in the Healing Library on this site.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 9:27 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)]

Sometime I feel like it’s so I will do what she wants me to do.

Yes exactly. What worked for her in the past is her go to. This is a game you only win by not playing.

Guilt is a feeling of knowing you did wrong and that you are going to pay a price for it. It is self-focused and fear based. Guilt is a temporary fleeting emotion.

Regret is another emotion where you wish you had made better choices and not done what you had done. Sometimes it is outward-focused regret for hurting your spouse and children. Sometimes it is self-focused regret where you feel bad for trashing your own values and destroying your own familial and financial stability.

Remorse is an action backed by commitment. Remorse is totally outward focused, at the expense of your own comfort and stability. It is love and empathy in action.

A remorseful spouse will do anything needed to help their offended partner heal from the torment and pain the adultery caused, even if it means letting them go and accepting divorce. A remorseful person owns his/her shit completely. A remorseful person takes full and final responsibility for choosing to have an affair, and will brook no shared responsibility from the betrayed spouse. A remorseful person is proactive in setting up individual counseling for himself and his spouse. A remorseful person, on his/her own volition, goes before friends and family and admits what they did and apologizes for the damage they have done.

That is the difference. Guilt and regret require no action...they are just emotions and feelings. Remorse is active loving.

Remourse - sorry for what they did to you. Put you through.

Regret - sorry for themselves and the consequences to them from their affair.

Regret = not wanting to talk about it, blameshifting, continued deception, admitting only what you have proof of, not seeing the pain she has caused, or obviously does not care about what you are going through as a result of the affair.

Remorse = apologizing at every opportunity not only for the affair but for causing you pain. Answering all questions openly and honestly no matter what. Begging for a chance to make it up to you. Give you a written timeline of the affair if you ask for it. Give you any graphic details you ask for (some betrayed spouses regret asking this, but they want to know exactly what they are being asked to forgive if considering R)

TimSC

In the beginning she did apologize all the time. She gave me all the details I ask for as well as a time line. I did not want to know what happened during the actual sex part that was supposed to happen just once. Although she did blame shift from the beginning. Said the things I did made her do it. And now I know that’s total BS. She begged me for a 2nd chance. One of her old friends from High School came to town and she asked me if he could stay in our spare room.I knew the guy& trusted her at that time. He was visiting his family here where we live so I said ok. He said he couldn’t be around his dad that long with there being a fight. He told me that she sent him some nude pics. He said she told him that it was all she could do to keep from coming up to the spare room and just clime on him. She denied it all at first and call him and asked him about it and he told her she did it. So she said I guess that’s what I did but I don’t rememberer doing that. This guy turned out to be a big lier I set him up with a friend of mine from High School and she told me that he lies about everything. Said he had even admitted to buying prostitutes. So I am questioning if there might have been a 2nd time. Will that would have been the 1st one the the one I know about would be the 2nd one. I still feel like I am missing something.

Thanks!

Bud, it's never just once.

the actual sex part that was supposed to happen just once.

[This message edited by Marz at 1:42 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)]

If I understand this correctly...

She was married before but got cheated on, so she divorced. She now find a good guy (you). She get hurt in an accident and you probably take care of her.

I’ll insert a comment here before continuing this story. Most BSs, who went through infidelity hell, divorce and remarry to a good man/woman count their blessing. People who haven’t been touched by infidelity take faithfulness for granted. People who have gone through infidelity sees faithfulness as pure gold.

Apparently your WW didn’t learn that particular lesson....

Back to your story:

Then somehow she thinks it’s a great idea to start sexting an old BF. They come up with a plan so that he comes stay in *your* home and they have sex. She apologizes for a while but now is blaming you.

She had sex only once apparently. For which, you can reply: then I’ll divorce you only once! As long as she keeps on blaming you instead of taking responsibility for HER CHOICE, and she doesn’t move heaven and earth to heal you and to build trust again, you’re best path is D.

ShutterHappy

The first one which was the man that stayed overnight with us was supposedly just nude pics. Bad enough! The second one was the OM that she had the A with. JUST ONCE. Which I didn’t and still don’t believe. Both OM’s were high school BF’s. The 2nd was one I went to high school with and was supposed to be a friend of mine as well. WHAT A MESS RIGHT!?!?

Thanks

Have you done with Exposure?

That's about all you have to work with at this time.

Marz

No not yet. I really didn’t want to have to do that. Was trying to avoid that if possible but it’s looking like it might not be possible.

1lostone,

Whether she had sex once, twice or thrice doesn’t really matter at this point, she already crossed the line and the damage to you is already done. What is important is her behavior towards two different men. Sexting in your home is incredibly disrespectful. Nothing that I read so far tells me she’s a safe partner, or that she’s working to be a safe partner.

Are you implementing the 180? What is your plan? What have you done to take care of you ?

Hang in there, you will get through this!

No not yet. I really didn’t want to have to do that. Was trying to avoid that if possible but it’s looking like it might not be possible.

If you just want to D it doesn't matter although I would inform the other mans wife.

You don't have a lot of other options. I wouldn't worry about making her mad. She didn't give a damn about the affect her cheating had on you did she?

Trying to nice them back just lowers your status while making the other guy look stronger.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:01 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)]

The cheater almost always claims it was only once and only admits to what you can prove (or what they think you can prove).

That is usually a lie.

She had sex only once apparently. For which, you can reply: then I’ll divorce you only once!

That's gold. I am keeping that one in the database:)

1lostone- you can't R by yourself and you can't nice her back into the M. At this point you need to detach and then figure it out from there. A good IC will work wonders. Ignore her, cut off the validation supply. Stay firm until she is ready to talk about the elephant in the room. Show her that her choices have permanently changed the dynamic of your M. You might be willing to work it out, but only if she does her part. Part one is accepting that it is never ok to cheat on your spouse no matter what kind of M you had. Any reason that includes a "but" is bullshit and blame shifting.

It's rarely ever just once with an AP. Repeat, rarely - if ever. They tell you this because once sounds like a mistake, more a choice. But having the affair to begin with IS a choice. Adults who are attracted to each other and have started fooling around and have opportunity screw. If she did it once and was sorry, why did she continue? Because she was still sexually attracted to him. You think sex only happened once?

I hear you. It may even sound easier to believe. But it's most likely not true. I'm so sorry.

Hordes of bees didn't chase them and they suddenly found themselves naked or partially clothed.

Penises don't accidentally fall into vaginas.

People don't accidentally grab a boob, penis, ass, crotch.

No one gives life-saving resuscitation by oral sex.

No one says, "Hey, is there something stuck in my teeth?" and the other goes, "Why yes! Let me get that for you with my tongue!"

No one says, "I had NO idea he/she was into me until we were doing the deed!"

No one says, "I had a need and you weren't there!" Otherwise waiters, waitresses, and even the COMPLETELY unattractive check out clerk at the gas station would have been over/on the counter/table in seconds.

No one happens into an affair. They make themselves available. They don't say no because they WANT the affair/attention/affection,sex, too. They know they are interested. They know when they are attracted. They initiate and/or reciprocate. Period.

I’ll insert a comment here before continuing this story. Most BSs, who went through infidelity hell, divorce and remarry to a good man/woman count their blessing. People who haven’t been touched by infidelity take faithfulness for granted. People who have gone through infidelity sees faithfulness as pure gold.

This.

She had sex only once apparently. For which, you can reply: then I’ll divorce you only once!

That's gold. I am keeping that one in the database:)

This of course was cynicism on my part. It never ceases to amaze me that Waywards would think that "only once" or "only twice" is not too bad... Can’t they see how much damage it does? Imagine at the court house.... "but your honour, I only raped her twice!" "Ah, ok, you’re free to go, but don’t do it again"

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 2:29 PM, April 12th (Friday)]