SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by 1lostone at 7:49 AM, April 8th (Monday)]

Wool94

I have only been married one time. But my WW has been married twice the reason she got divorced the first time was her first husband cheated on her for a lot of years. Fitting how she cheated on my after being with a cheating husband for 15 years. It’s amazing how women bitch about wanting a good man and when they get one they screw him over. I know all women aren’t the same just seems like I find the wrong ones.

Thanks everyone for the reply’s!

Marz is right. I could not believe that my wife of 18 years (at that time) would ever cross the line and cheat. She did and I bent over backwards to try and glue the broken pieces back together. It doesn't work. She had and has no remorse. I even caught the A when it was an EA and she plowed straight ahead (literally) into a full blown PA that she now refers to as a relationship. My marriage was dead the moment I discovered the affair and I just didn't want to admit it because I wanted to keep my family together. You will do what you need to do but remember that once they make a conscience decision to have an A their mind is working overtime on justifying and blameshifting. Unless they show true remorse do yourself and your kids a favor and detach now.

1lostone - Has your WW faced any consequences for her decisions and actions? There are people who keep the status quo unless and until they know, and face, consequences. There is nothing you can do to change her but everything you can do to change you. Take care of yourself because when you are on the other side of this, and one day you will be on the other side of this, you must be able to live with yourself.

1lostone, thank you for clearing that up.

What is your plan going forward?

1lostone,

Lawyer up and file. Kick her out of the bedroom. Separate all finances. Cancel or freeze all joint credit cards and accounts. Tell her parents and family. Shock and awe. If a heavy dose of reality doesn't snap her out of her fog, then nothing likely will.

There's zero chance of saving the marriage if you're BOTH not 100% committed. And she's going to have to do the majority of work to understand how she could betray you while also regaining your trust. You can't do the work of two people. Been there, done that.

Sorry you're here. But acting decisively will get you better results than sitting around and hoping she'll somehow wake up. She'll only change if SHE wants to.

No amount of influencing or coaxing will get her to turn back to your marriage. In fact, it will likely have the opposite effect. So don't do the Pick Me Dance.

Get yourself out of infidelity. Good luck.

[This message edited by squid at 10:02 AM, April 8th, 2019 (Monday)]

We have a saying here - "You must be willing to lose the marriage to have the best chance to save it." What that means, 1lostone, is turning the tables in the situation and make the marriage hers to lose, not yours to save. When you tell yourself you are willing to do ANYTHING in order to save the marriage, despite your WW's lack of effort to

- own her shit and take full acountability for her affair

- commit back to you, the marriage

- do the work she needs to do to fix her broken through individual counseling for her depression and her "Why" for her affair.

it tell hers that you will put up with any kind of shit she can throw at you because she thinks you will stick around for the abuse. She has absolutely no motivation to put her big girl panties on and do the above actions because she doesn't value you and the what you put into the marriage.

You need to go see an attorney, pronto. In NC, infidleity does make an impact on divorce. fooled13years knowns much about this from his own experience and hopefully can give you some relevant insight.

You will need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with your WW in regards to what she needs to do to step up and give you reasons to not kick her cheating ass to the curb. But, before you do that you need to get your ducks in a row including a consult with and attorney. Start reading the material in the healing library linked on the left of this page. Don't naval gaze too long on the situation. The best results have come from taking action sooner than much later.

Could you elaborate on the extent of the affair? No we aren’t pervs and don’t need detail, but was it “limited” to texting and photos or did they meet in the flesh? The reason I ask is that your WW might be capable of minimizing anything short of a full physical affair and then we need to give you tools to make her realize what shes done.

Jduff is 100% correct that in order to save your marriage you need to be willing to walk away from it.

It makes sense. Your marriage is you and your wife. If you are unhappy and insecure in your marriage there is no way YOU can be a healthy participant. Getting you content is a key-requirement for reconciliation, and if she’s not willing to do her part… Well… there isn’t a marriage to save.

Sorry about your situation 1lost.

Remember the old adage, 'you've got to be willing to lose it in order to save it. It's true.

1. Read in the Healing Library about the 180 and employ it as soon as possible.

2. File for divorce and give the reason as infidelity on her part. Do this as soon as possible. Have it written to show that you get everything (finances, children, business, home) and she gets nothing but a car and the clothes on her back. Always start from the position of you wanting everything then negotiate only if you must and always reluctantly.

3. Don't offer to reconcile with her; don't promise reconciliation; don't ever indicate that you want to stay married to her.

4. Read in the Healing Library about what true remorse looks like. Don't budge on divorce until she meets the criteria written.

5. When she does start showing true remorse, wait a period of time (days, week) before responding to her efforts.

6. When/If you do respond to her, do it hesitantly and never ever promise her that it's going to work out or that you're committed to her in any way.

If the above doesn't turn her around, then she's not worth keeping.

Lastly, regardless of what happens, you are not starting your life over. This is a continuation of your life not an end and restart. Never ever let your heart convince you that you're losing anything. You aren't losing a cheater, you're gaining back the freedom you gave away when you married her and you're taking your life back. This is critical to your future happiness regardless of the outcome.

Another lastly, divorce, should it come to that, doesn't equal end. You can still have a relationship with her if you choose to. You can also always remarry her if you really want to. And get a post-nuptial agreement in place if you stay married and a pre-nuptial agreement if your re-marry. Always protect your future.

Sorry about the jumbled thoughts. Workout, eat healthy, relax, and take care of yourself. You are the prize, not her; don't forget it.

I'm also almost 50 and i wanted to save my marriage, too, because I didn't want to start my life over, either. BUT. There's no such thing as starting over. It's not over, you are just changing course. I changed course and I am happier for it. No more cheating, worrying, anxiety, depression. I have my son, my life, my freedom.

Start living you for you, today. Exercise, eat well, drink water, seek out old friends, new friends, old hobbies, new hobbies, whatever it is that makes you a better you. This is your only win-win scenario. If you feel better about yourself, your wife might change her tune and you'll be happy. If you feel better about yourself and your wife *doesn't* change her tune, you will *still* be happy. You for your own happiness.

Talk to a lawyer. It's empowering, if nothing else. When I talked to my lawyer for the first time *I* chose to do it. It wasn't done *to* me the way the affair was. You should also start protecting yourself in case she talks to a lawyer first and starts action.

None of this is your fault regardless of porn or strip clubs. That's just an excuse. She's the cheater. If she felt those issues were divorce level issues, she should have left years ago or left before having an affair. The affair is just some issue she's having with her happiness and nothing to do with you.

My theory is that cheaters *want* to get caught. There's something wrong with the R and they either feel they can't fix it or they have to light it on fire to get you to fix it.

Live you for you and each day you will feel a little stronger, a little better about yourself. You'll realize you aren't starting over, you're just starting a new chapter.

As others have said. Time to start acting from a stance of power. Read and learn about 180, start detaching from your WW for your protection. See a lawyer to learn your rights, responsibilities, obligations if you choose to go down the path of D. This alone will be enlightening for you. Protect your finances, if you need to separate your savings from your WW, keep it in mind. Review all past spending to see if WW was spending family funds on her A. Inform family and friends of her behavior if they do not know. Her actions need to begin to have consequences. Remember, dont feel shame for her actions, she is a grown adult who should be accountable for her actions.Only feel ashamed if you do not act to protect yourself. If you choose to D, it will take time. You have many years together hence you it will take time to split family assets equally. If over this time she does start to come out of her fog, really begins to know and show remorse, starts IC to find out her whys for stepping out of the marriage, begins to make you feel safe as a partner again; then you can offer the gift of R. With a post-nup attached, stating that for any reason from here on out, if you or her decide to D, the distribution of assets go in your favor.

Remember NC is an AT FAULT STATE when infidelity is concerned. If you can show proof of her A, you can get a better outcome in D. So go digging for your proof before having her served or letting her know your seeing a lawyer. Ther is also a possibility of sueing POSOM who was apart of the A.

Good luck with navigating through this shitstorm your WW put you in. Please act, dont react to actions. You set the agenda.

Bigger

It was a full blown PA. It started with texting and laughing ALL the time. That was what gave me a clue. Then went to sex once she says. The A went on for around 2 months. It started at a concert that I was too sick to go to. WW says they only kissed once that night. POS MM says they made out and POS MM felt her tits up. Most people that have an A don't get caught the first time right?!?!

As far as proof I have the damning text messages printed out and saved in 3 different places. In the text messages she says what she wants to do to him. Pretty graphic.

I am leaning toward talking to an attorney and then confront her afterwards with the stipulations of trying to saving the M or D is in inevitable.

Thanks for the reply!

[This message edited by 1lostone at 7:24 PM, April 8th (Monday)]

I am leaning toward talking to an attorney and then confront her afterwards with the stipulations of trying to saving the M o

If you want a marriage that's about the only path you have. Stop talking and start acting. Talk gets you nothing. Actions may.

Unless you just want to stay and live with it. Which is what you're doing at this time.

Did you inform other mans wife? If not you should do so without warning immediately

Marz

Yes I told the POS OM wife. She didn't believe me at first. But I had some details about where the PA took place and she believed me then.

Thanks

Nice job.

1lostone,

Since you're leaning toward R, I'll spare you my usual diatribe about ditching the remorseless cheater, growing your self esteem back, and rediscovering a new life for yourself without a toxic trashhole gumming up the works. Instead, I will reiterate what is the BEST ADVICE anyone can offer you post-affair discovery: talk to a lawyer, yesterday!. These things can play out a thousand different ways, most of them with you laid up on a slab getting hot pokers jammed into your orifices. Lawyers are like icy cold Vaseline for said pokers. Have a game plan, man. I don't care how much you think you love your wife or think this is all salvageable, you need to protect yourself as best as you can. Get the proverbial ducks in a row and keep the nuclear launch codes in your back pocket at all times.

I hope things work out for you, I really do, but just know that there is a lot of sunshine and happiness on the other side of a divorce. The process sucks, and at the end there's a heaping helping of Independence and Self Discovery to feast on, not to mention a whole boat load of prospective life partners who haven't proven themselves already to be capable of betraying you in one of the worst possible ways that a spouse could do so. Good luck to you.

Read AbandonedGuy's post several times.

Thanks everyone I will be back on here regularly I appreciate all the advice!

Thank you!

I think the only way you are going to move out of the status quo is begin moving towards a D. Keep telling her it is not what you want, but she isn't really giving you many other options is she ?

Based on her behavior she won't accept her choices and she wants to make this a pissing contest about who did more wrong during the M. Is that really a M that you want ? A contest of who is the worse spouse ?

I think you need to see an IC. I can feel the co-depency in your words. Right now she is using that against you. She is not on the same side as you. She just wants this to go away. She is likely to do this again unless she can take a really deep look at herself and begin to see just how terrible this was. She was a betrayed wife before. She can't relate to how that made her feel ? Cut off the validation machine. You are never going to nice her back into this M. Strong, confident and take action.

Taking a hard stand is not to get your W to notice either. (it might have that effect to be clear). It is about knowing that you deserve more than you are getting right now. You are the prize and moving in this direction helps you regain that self respect. You show people how you want to be treated. You will not "accept" this as it stands today.

Find an IC. Find an attorney. Start exploring this and stop trying to get your W to talk to you. She has shown you that she doesn't want to talk except to deflect blame. Remind her that if the M continues or not is YOUR choice. It can be related to how she is acting, but ultimately you can D without her being on board with it. You don't see any other option.

An IC would be a good place to organize your thoughts.

Next time she brings up what you've done in the M. Which is probably overblown due to rewriting the M to alleviate her guilt. She knew it was wrong but needed to find the "reason," to let her values slip.

Anway, the next time she brings up what you did wrong. Ask her, "So now I am justified in doing all that and more? I guess I have cart blanche to do whatever I want from now on. Thank you for showing me I would happier without you constantly beating me down." Then walk away. Begin living your life on your own terms.

Look up the 180 too. You need to stand on your own two feet and be detached enough to see the forest and the trees.

Look I know this hurts and it is sad to see your M as it actually is versus how you pretended it was. I am sorry that she hurt you. Stop engaging with her. Limit to talk to logistics or finances. Nothing else. Protect yourself from further hurt.

numb&dumb

Thanks for the advice! In the beginning she showed me that she was remorseful. But with in a few months started blame shifting. I do feel a codependency to her. I know that’s not good just hard to stop on your own. I own my own company it’s a handicapped transportation company. She worked for the company and wasn’t on the payroll for one reason or another. There was an accident where she was sideswiped by a teenage girl that ran a red light. She was hurt pretty bad and now has severe pain almost all the time. I guess I feel guilty even though it’s not my fault. From time to time she makes me feel guilty. Sometime I feel like it’s so I will do what she wants me to do.