M1965 offers some very good insight in his post.
I truly believe that the first person we must reconcile with in the aftermath of infidelity is ourselves.
I think a major factor is reconciling yourself to the FACT your wife had an affair. This is not the same as accepting or condoning her affair, but rather accepting it happened and then deciding how best to move on from it. Be it with the intent to divorce or with the intent to reconcile.
Like M1965 points out there are good resources out there that might help you dealing with that.
Keep in mind you ALWAYS have choices, as does your wife.
The choices might not be great ones, but they are always there.
I sometimes refer to that guy in Utah that got his arm stuck in a crevice. I once heard him as a motivational speaker at a conference. He had options, he had choices. He made his list and prioritized. He did everything he could to free his arm but eventually hacked it off. Not his ideal choice, not what he wanted to do, but what he NEEDED to do.
Even then – when he got out his pocket-knife to start removing his arm – he had a choice: He could have waited for 12-24 more hours hoping for rescue but probably losing what strength he had remaining and thereby probably dying if no-one came along. He evaluated his options and the ACCEPTED/reconciled himself with his BEST option given the situation.
IMHO that’s where we are at after infidelity. You ALWAYS have choices, and your choices have consequences. The hard part is trying to make the choices that progress you best towards where you want to be.
There is NOTHING keeping you in that marriage other than you wanting to be there.
Please – remove all the other factors. When you entered marriage you indirectly signed on the dotted line regarding joint assets, division of pension, joint debt and all that. You entered a contract. The cancelation of that contract will cost you some, but it will also give you some. Please don’t fall into the dark hole of hanging on to the marriage because of economical or social factors. Remain married ONLY if you want to remain married to your wife.
Your wife: You probably know her best.
Over the years have you seen what this marriage could be? Have you seen the best sides of her? Do you think she’s capable of the work of reconciliation and can walk with you into the future?
Let’s assume that right now she’s not there. But does the past give you any vison of what the future might be like?
That porcelain bowl comparison. Let’s take that further.
You can gather all the pieces and start painstakingly, piece by piece, gluing that bowl back together. With a lot of work and patience you might even manage to fix it. But it takes immense work. Furthermore – if a piece is missing there is no purpose to carry on gluing because that gaping hole in the side of the bowl makes it unusable. You could possibly refabricate or replace a piece, but if you don’t end up with the bowl you started off with you are maybe just as well off getting a new one.
It’s work. It’s not enough to gather the pieces together. You also need to line them up and glue.
If it succeeds you end up with a bowl that is precious to you because of its history and the work, you did for it.
Plus… the glue applied so carefully on all the missing pieces might make the bowl that much stronger.
To me your wife’s refusal to go to IC is like her holding on to and hiding a piece of the bowl.
You have options. You have choices. One of the options you have is to evaluate her actions, what she’s willing to do and to choose your actions accordingly. Like make IC for her a requirement, with its refusal on her half being a factor making you belief it’s not worth working on that bowl…
One thing you should accept – and your wife acknowledge – is that she DECIDED to have an affair. It wasn’t a mistake, but a decision. She might conclude that it was the wrong decision, but it was a decision based on how she thought at the time of the series of decisions getting her there.
Finally: Your wife has options. You can’t make her do anything. If that voice was OM then she is totally capable and free to talk to him. She can do whatever she wants. But it’s up to you what YOU accept as her husband. She goes beyond what YOU accept and you can fire her from the role as your wife.
