SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thinking in the future. One day you will find someone else to love and live with. Your STBXW will see you happy and living with another woman in the dream house that started out being built for her. That will be a permanent trigger in her future. I do wish you well.

Let's get something straight. Her decision to ask for a divorce has nothing to do with her guilt. She wanted to start a new life with the AP. She just didn't want to say that to you and gave you a cowardly reason as to how you won't be able to forgive her. Seriously, even if the affair was over, it is her job to earn the forgiveness. Anyway, now with the continued contact it has already become obvious hasn't it? But whatever happens, do not offer forgiveness to someone who hasn't even asked for it. That is a humiliating experience that you are putting yourself through.

Edit: Wanted to add, except for the part where you forgave her without even her asking for it, every other action that you've taken has been pretty much the ideal BS response that should have been. Good luck. Hoping that your WW comes back begging for forgiveness and if that happens I hope you can forgive her on YOUR terms and not just simply forgive (I am not the pro-D type). But knowing what happens in these situations, it isn't going to hit her hard until it is too late.

[This message edited by hadji at 9:22 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

You’ve done a masterful job handling this shit sandwich you’ve been served. Better than most for sure, myself included.

I was able to get my divorce done in just under a year and that was very good considering also an 18 year marriage, along with 2 kids (one special needs) and alimony of nearly $500,000 a year I’m forced to pay to my serial cheating now very xWW. Thank you divorce laws. Yuck.

If you can get a quick agreement and get out of dodge then god bless you my friend. Take that deal and thank the universe and move on with your life. 5 years later I’m re-married to an honest, loyal, faithful and I’ll add, beautiful woman, and amazing mother to our almost 1 year old daughter. I hope you find happiness as I have. It gets better.

Be prepared for the inevitable, "Well, you had a chance until you told the OM's wife so now we are definitely divorcing" schtick.

Keep moving forward.

Forgiveness- the theme of this Holy Week for Christians.

Forgiveness is not offered for the cheaters sake - it is offered to benefit the Betrayed. If you forgive the choice to cheat it frees the Betrayed b/c you are no longer living with some of the pain of the Affair.

Forgiveness in some ways allow you to heal. It allow you to move forward.

It doesn’t mean you condone the affair or transgressions. It means you accept it happened, forgive and move on. Heal. Divorce or Reconcile or whatever.

I forgive so many things b/c I choose to live my life not Being angry and bitter and resentful. It took a lot to get to that point. But I hope it makes me a better person.

It takes a lot to forgive the Affair and in this situation it was offered up very early on in the hopes of recovery and reconciliation. Sorry the cheater did not see the gift that was offered. But in the long run it helps the Betrayed.

savingmyfamily, I'll share my insight on this -

I think she is going through a mid-life crisis based on statements she has made over the last 2 weeks about wondering what her life would have been like if she had only done X or Y, and that she wished she had continued school, and that she regretted her career field choice and would never be the success she had imagined being.

My XW went through this as well. MLC (mid life crisis) can take anywhere from like 2 to 7 years, and that is aside from the 2 to 5 years of just recovering from her affair if you decide to R. That MLC shit was percolating inside your WW before her affair happened. You see, with MLC her affair is not the only shit sandwich you will have thrown at you later. MLC makes all flavors of shit sandwiches of which your WW would be more than willing to make for you while she sorts out her own selfish priorities. That's the thing, HER own priorities first and foremost before you and your daughter's welfare. She had her affair because she wanted to, not because of MLC. The height of selfishness and entitlement is MLC. Her priorities will be shaped around that.

She thinks it is YOU that must "improve" the circumstances for her to "accept" a new reality where all her selfish MLC needs are being met. She points out your "improvements" because she thinks you are doing the pick me dance, that you are competing with her AP to win her back. She has no fucking clue your "improvements" are actually you in the process of detaching and moving towards D. That's just how far her head is up her selfish ass to not see this. The 180 isn't going to have an affect on her at all to open her eyes so don't expect her to feel its effects. She doesn't even envision the possibility of you truly moving on, having a new woman in your future, a step mother for your daughter. Just the possibility will not dawn on her until she has that copy of the finalized D papers in her hand and it will not really sink in and stab her heart until she finds out you've been dating a new woman.

Anytime I read about new members whose spouse not only is cheating but they also have borderline personality disorder, my go to advice has been and will always be to strongly consider divorce and move on because that is a heaping pile of shit to have to deal with on top of dealing with the shit sandwich of infidelity. MLC is the second worst heaping pile of shit that earns my advice to strongly consider divorce first, then possibly R later. An MLCer will spend every bit of time, money and resources at the cost of everyone around them to support their emerging destructive lifestyle. They will put their family and friends through the ringer like none other. They are like a drug addict.

Go full throttle on the uncontested D. I would go further and get an attorney anyway just in case because when it comes to zero hour and your WW realizes you really mean to finalize the divorce she just may come unglued in ways you did not expect. Have a VAR on you at all times now that she has attacked you.

savingmyfamily, I went through this 7 years ago and my exBIL is now going through this with his own WW's MLC. This is definitely one of those situations where you first save yourself and your kids from it, then let her lay waste to herself from a safe distance. Then if MLC storm ever ends you gauge the destruction and whether there is a chance at R. I will tell you though to not put your own life on hold waiting out an MLCer. Life is way to short.

Sorry to hear about your situation saving.

I've read your thread and my advice is to not second guess yourself. Go through with the divorce, it's in process, allow it to go through to fruition. Don't question yourself and don't allow your cheating wife to convince you otherwise. Your situation calls for a speedy, complete divorce.

You were smart to act while your WW is compliant. Don't allow yourself to waiver; hold your resolve. Get out as quickly and quietly as possible. Let her think that there could be hope if she wants to. The worst thing you could do right now is tip your hand.

If you want to date this new person after the divorce is final then that's your choice but always remember what she is; an unremorseful cheater. And if you ever marry again, ensure that you have an iron-clad pre-nuptial agreement in place. Never risk yourself and your future again.

I wish the best for you. Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 9:31 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

Please let us know how you are doing; please do not disappear.

I'm definitely not going anywhere, you guys are the only thing keeping me sane and strong.

I'll be honest though, sometimes it doesnt feel healthy to read these posts. Knowing the pain that people are going through just reminds you of your own pain and then its obvious that some people are super cynical and treat each reply as an opportunity generalize ideas that match their personal story or ease their own pain by trying to spread it around to others. It reminds me of the old saying "You cant make your candle burn any brighter by blowing out someone elses".

In this thread there has been some really great advice and some really bad advice. Learning to know which is which and applying it to my situation is key.

Speaking of my situation, nothing has changed in the last few days. Ive continued IC, the wife has started IC, my divorce timer is ticking down and its still the way forward unless there are drastic changes in my wife and her situation (for example, she and the OG still work together and to my knowledge neither has attempted to look for work anyplace else).

So yeah, I leave for work in 9 days and come back in the middle of May. The divorce waiting period will be over and I'll have the ability to make a choice after feeling like all of my choices were taken away. The only person who can save our marriage from this point on is my wife and I dont think she has it in her.

You may want to start detaching, it will make it easier for you. Do you need to speak to her during those 9 days?

You having to leave in 9 days is a good thing, it is a pretty rigid 180 as you won't be together and depending on where you are it may be an effort to communicate so when you return you will have weeks of detaching under your belt. And your WW may get a wake up call of life without you, not going away and coming home but going away for good.

So I would expect both of your decisions to be solidified.

I think the time away will be good for you. Hang in there.

Good luck to you. You have set your boundaries and now it is up to her if she wants to keep your M. In the end, value yourself and do what you feel is best for you. Whatever you decide whether to R or D, you will receive support. You know your WW better than any of us internet strangers, and you are the only one who has to live with the consequences of your decision, not any of us. You certainly seem to have a better perspective than many I have seen on how to interpret and handle the advice given to you. Take the advice you can use and leave the rest.

Yes, we do have to have contact over the next 9 days, but when I leave I'll be in Vegas for work and then 12 days with my oldest daughter at her college graduation and then a 10 day trip to Europe as a graduation gift. Being in Europe will definitely make it easier to do 180, so yes there will be a solid 3 weeks of little to NC.

Also, I forgot to add that the OG's wife called me again last night to say that he finally came clean and admitted everything. She said she isnt sure what will happen but that he has told her he wants to stay with her and work it out so she has asked me not to send her or her family anymore information. I also know that the OG told my wife that he is done with the affair (I saw the email), but again, they still work together side by side so that email might have just been to make his wife happy and then when he gets to work he tells my wife "Ignore that email".

Looks like Ive officially joined the cynical crowd

This is a forum with many opinions/advice. You take what you need and leave the rest.

It is good knowledge and learning experience from those who have been where you are now, got through it and hopefully help you.

The truth may seem kinda harsh but unfortunately there is no magic quick fixes for these situations.

You will get through this.

I also know that the OG told my wife that he is done with the affair (I saw the email), but again, they still work together side by side so that email might have just been to make his wife happy and then when he gets to work he tells my wife "Ignore that email"

You are correct. Affairs are like addictions. If you get the addict around the source you get relapse. The affair will continue as long as they are together.

Plus all cheaters lie a lot.

You've done well so stay the course.

The ones who get through this best get strong and stay there.

she has asked me not to send her or her family anymore information

.

I’m guessing that by now you know that’s the exact opposite of what she should do (not that it’s your problem).

When a BS tries to reconcile, he/she wants to get the maximum amount of information, specially whether the WS is continuing the affair.

Hopefully you told her that you might head for D, which makes your WW more available.

Also, have you thanked the person who informed you originally on linkedin?

If possible I would keep communication with your WW to the minimum during your travel.

As she realizes her BF dumped her and her BS (you) is also thinking of dumping her she may straighten up and fly right. But don't hold your breath. See how she handles life on her own with no BF and no H.

And there is a good chance the BF is telling his doing what his wife wants and may send the the "ignore email" message. WW is not to be trusted. They found a way to communicate at midnight so...

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 3:21 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]

Hey smf

Just wanted you to know you are doing the right things. The path to D or R can be the same with a non remorseful WS at first so it’s clear the steps you are taking are the right ones Concerning the filing and detaching.

As for forgiveness, that’s something that make actually be too soon to actually do in your heart even if you think you want to. You need to process the wound she has inflicted first and truly understand it. That will take time.

I’m actually all for forgiving someone, but to me it should be “forgiving the person, not the act” and only after that person has shown they understand the hurtful choices they have made and done work to correct what caused them to happen.

But that’s just me. We all have our own definitions.

Tell me, is your WW still out of the house? You said when you found out that they had broken NC you “kicked her to the curb”. Is she living elsewhere still?

Honestly I believe that even if you choose R down the road, it’s probably right to still D first. Then you can choose or not choose down the road to try and start to build a new relationship. She would need to take the time to work in IC we’ll before she’d ever be ready to be a partner in a relationship again, no matter what form it takes.

D now will give her that time and give you a chance to evaluate what you truly want.

I wish you strength going forward.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 3:12 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]

Damn, SMF. I am really sorry.

It never makes me feel better to see a M end. Your instincts have served you very well up to this point. Keep listening to them.

One thing I want to point out:

The divorce waiting period will be over and I'll have the ability to make a choice after feeling like all of my choices were taken away.

I think reframing this a little differently with your IC would save you a lot of grief later on. You do have choices. They were always your choices. You could have ended the M at any time. This time your W just gave you a better reason than you'd had before.

In time you will come out of this just fine. You avoided living a life,that yes had some good parts, but also some bad ones. You can decide in May whatever path you wish to take. It is your life and only you have to live it. Wahtever choice you do make . . .if you can look in the mirror and be okay with what you see then you made the right one. The time away will do you some good. You deserve a break.

Your W isn't your concern anymore. I'd be willing to bet that she will likely have a change of heart once she realizes that her relationship with OG was less based on feelings and more about saying things the other wants to hear. She gave herself away for nothing. If she sees so little value in herself . . .well her life won't be an easy or happy one anyway you slice it.

Just keep going. IC. Leverage your support system when you need it. Make sure to follow up with your younger daughter to ensure she has resources available to her if she needs them. Kids are more resilient and perceptive than adults give them credit for. In time she will respect you more for the hard decisions you make today.

Again I am really sorry. Your happiness is out there waiting for you. You just need to look in the right place(s)

If possible I would keep communication with your WW to the minimum during your travel.

This is correct. If you chase they always move farther away.

Never feed a cakeater. They'll just want more cake.