SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dude, look at my sig line below...do you want that to be you?

Take the cheap and easy D while you can if for no other reason than future self preservation.

You can always date her if you work things out later, but get out of the legal contract with her.

If I had ever been in your position concerning D, I would have taken it as fast as I could and never looked back.

savingmyfamily:

I feel your pain. It sounds as if you are doing the best you can and giving yourself an easier way out of your wife's infidelity. I am 19 months out from my wife's affair with a scumbag coworker. It has been a roller coaster of hell, clarity, hell, clarity, hell, bewilderment, hell, ambivalence and, well, you get the idea.

To quote the band Nazareth

Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and marks, any heart not tough or strong enough to take a lot of pain, to take a lot of pain. Love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain. Love hurts.

Loving somebody who ultimately betrays your love and the love they claimed they had for you is devastating.

Again, I feel your pain.

Now is the time to take care of you and your daughter. Your wife has already told you, by her words and her actions, that you are not her current first choice. You are her backup plan.

Following D-day, I made a lot of mistakes. I got my wife to quit her job (not a mistake), but I stood by while she refused to change her phone number and provide me with the info on all her accounts. I let her get away with continued

disrespect of me and our marriage. IN hindsight I should've divorced her immediately. But I still loved her and also didn't want to lose my company to her. Losing half of something I built myself without any help from her seemed as bad as losing the whole thing.

We separated. I eventually went for the divorce. I pulled back. I went on the previously mentioned roller coaster ride. Here I am, 19 months out. I've gone to IC. She's gone to IC. We've been to group counseling.

I've spent a few nights with her in the home I still pay for, but can't be intimate with her. I am repulsed by the thought of physical intimacy because I can still picture the scumbag screwing my wife.

This forum has been a great help to me. I've met a lot of empathetic people and a few less than kind. But we all have the opportunity to learn from the experience and pain of others.

You need to make up your own mind. But someone here, much wiser than me, said:

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

If I were you, I would believe your wife based on the behavior and betrayal you have observed.

If my wife has offered me the same deal your wife offered you, and meant it, I would be long divorced now and maybe living in a mansion on a hill drinking margaritas, playing golf, and looking forward to a future of grand adventures. And maybe, just maybe, finding love again. Though I no longer really know what love is, I hope to someday find out.

I wish you all the wisdom you can muster. Make the decision best for you. Good luck.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 6:47 PM, April 15th (Monday)]

Does your daughter know you are divorcing your wife? Answer her questions truthfully in an age appropriate manner. Your STBXWW has not had any consequences for her actions besides for you contacting her supervisor which has apparently gone nowhere. Yes you filed. But it seems as if you are still acting like a family from your post. Hence why she thinks that D will not happen.

You need to look after yourself. Your STBXWW made her choice and your her plan B. Oh, she feels that you wont accept what she did so she isnt interested in putting in the work to help you heal. She'll wait you out til you decide to rugsweep her poor behavior.

I recommend you start detaching from your STBXWW. Separate your interaction with your daughter. You do something with her like your ski trip. STBXWW does something else with her. You feed yourself and your daughter. STBXWW can fend for herself. Do your own laundry. Go out and spend time out doing some new hobbies.

You should show your STBXWW that you will be ok with life without her in it. Your the prize in the relationship. You will flourish in life. Let her see what she is going to be missing after D. Act from a position of strength. If she is interested in R, she will show you through continued actions, not words. IMO, I think you go through with the D. Watch her actions, if she warrants R, you can always start dating her again. Keeping her as a GF, protecting your assets.

Pay attention to PaulR. Something you wrote bothers me. You said you never felt happily married. Why? If you have time read THE GIFT OF FEAR. The author talks about how we disregard what is right in front of us because we don’t want to acknowledge it. Has you spidey sense been telling you something for years but you ignored it?

200 days a year is tough on any relationship. Was your family ever able to travel with you? This is not to blame you for her cheating. My husband traveled almost as much and it never occurred to me to cheat. It is just so easy to disconnect unless you are very aware of it.

If you have been here enough you have probably read about Limerence. It is the yearning that cheaters feel. It is an intense high, or low, depending on where the affair is at the moment. I remember reading a letter to an advice columnist by a woman because her husband’s pregnant mistress had died and he asked her to give him time to grieve. He was so caught up in his own mess he didn’t see what he was doing to his wife. People call it the “fog”. I call it “don’t let the door hit you when you leave”.

I have to say that all the posts about women (or the demeaning term “chicks”) only liking an “alpha” males really tick me off. Plus they violate the Guidelines of SI. People are all individuals. Sure, it makes sense for ANY BS to take a strong line and lay out the consequences and enforce them, including filing for divorce and going through with it. But this is not a gender issue. This is about getting OUT of infidelity even when you love and adore the person who stabbed you in the back and you are too newly into the mess to know how to reconcile all that has happened.

I think male BSs who want to save their marriage are extremely admirable— and under-valued. They need the same advice their parallel female BSs get, but instead they get bashed and humiliated for being “weak” or “spineless.” And stupid generalizations about what men or women like or admire make it much worse.

We are all individuals. We all have our own histories. Just LISTEN to posters without jumping to judgment.

[This message edited by Odonna at 8:23 PM, April 15th (Monday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:35 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:36 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:37 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:37 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

After a quarter century in the military and 20 years dealing with criminals, I have one piece of advice that should be carved in stone. Do not make any threats or promises that you do not keep. That is one of the quickest ways to lose control of a person or a situation. I do wish you well.

You seem to be very level headed. All the steps you have taken so far, are leading you away from infidelity.

Stay the course and you will be okay. You will need to focus on your daughter and yourself. Your WW is a lost cause.

Your WW is in self-preservation mode, and is not doing anything to make you feel safe with her. She is taking steps to make herself feel safe for her. She might also be keeping the job to be close to the AP.

As to the ILY text, please, don't fall for that trap. She knows how to manipulate your emotions, and she will exploit that to its max. Correspond to her with no emotions. No reactions for any 'show' of emotions from your WW. If you let her get to you, the next thing you know, she will have you wrapped around her little finger. The very fact that you are wavering now, shows that she knows how to push your buttons.

So far, you have controlled the pace of this journey, and you should continue to control the pace. Since you have decided on a D, go forward with it. If you waver, you will start to doubt yourself, and second guess everything, which in turn, makes you weak. Focus.

Go for your trip. Focus and complete the D. You will heal yourself faster, and your daughter will learn how to be a decisive person with integrity from her father.

If there is a change in heart with your WW at a later stage, then you will have the option, and with no financial/legal entanglements.

I agree with ChamomileTea that you are doing well. The th8ng that strikes me about your situation is how fast your WW got into this A. You just moved in Oct.,you start building your dream house, she starts a new job in Jan., and by the end of Feb. she is sleeping with a coworker she just met. And the AP is M with 4 children! IMO this is all about your WW going thru a mid-life crisis. She is dissatisfied with her current life and the A was an outlet for excitement and change. She is not delusional enough to think she has a life with a guy with four children, including three under six years old. The AP is just her selfish vehicle to act out. But think of the selfishness she has displayed. To satisfy her mid life urges she is willing to destroy another woman’s family with four children. Please continue on your current path. IMO it was not the AP she was after but a new “exciting” life where she can go out and party and have sex with whomever she pleases. Unless you see a drastic turnaround in attitude continue on your current course.

It’s a no brainer to go straight for divorce and get a great deal. After that is accomplished you can reevaluate given your new position. Live with her if you want but don't remarry.

I work a high stress job that requires a lot of travel (200+ days a year)

Savingmyfamily

Losing the privilege and protection of being legally married will help keep her in line. She will know that if she cheats again you can just walk. Plus it should be less devastating to be cheated on by a girlfriend vs. a wife.

[This message edited by Michigan at 12:17 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

You mention that you will get the new house and not have to split anything.

Are you in a community property state? I am not a lawyer but in CA over ten years is considered a long term marriage and certain things need to be approved by a judge because they want things to be "fair" and make sure one partner is not getting screwed over even if they deserve it.

I assume division of assets, child support and custody are part of the things that need to be finalized during the 90 days?

MickyBill2016: We filed an uncontested divorce with a stipulation agreement that resolves all assets, property and custody/visitation/support.

I gave her a car, I got a car, I gave her half of the bank money, I got half, we agreed on 50/50 joint custody, we determined child support using the state required calculator, etc etc.

The house is not built and there is no mortgage yet. Its a construction loan currently and she can neither afford the payments for the loan or afford them when it becomes a mortgage. We both agreed I would take the loan and eventually the house in my name only.

The 30 days can actually be waived in certain cases, you just have to file a request for it. You do have to take some divorce education/parenting classes in that 30 days, which we have done.

The only thing left to do is submit the final papers in 24 days and give her a copy of them.

Yesterday I read a lot of seemingly harsh advice from you guys and I took it as an attack. I didnt consider that your stories are personal experiences and while that may rosey up the glasses a bit, its advice aimed at not repeating the same mistakes and not an attempt to belittle (in most cases).

I'll add this to the update but last night I caught my wife and the OG sending messages on a secret phone, using a secret email at around midnight.

Things got heated, the wife attacked me, I defended myself and in the end I tossed her out on the curb.

This morning I sent all the proof to the OG's wife, to his wifes mother and father and to the OG's father.

My wife said it was "closure" but I read the messages and it was a lot more than that.

Worst part, my 10yo daughter had to see the whole thing and is very aware that our problems are because of "Mommy cheating". I reached out to her teacher to let them know and to keep an eye on her and get her into the guidance counselor, but they called me back and said both parents have to sign a form in order for the school counselor to talk to her in situations such as these...

Yesterday I read a lot of seemingly harsh advice from you guys and I took it as an attack. I didnt consider that your stories are personal experiences and while that may rosey up the glasses a bit, its advice aimed at not repeating the same mistakes and not an attempt to belittle (in most cases).

I understand your upfront reaction but unfortunately the reality of these situations is harsh. Sugar coating it won't help you much.

There is no magic fix that most at least upfront are looking for.

[This message edited by Marz at 1:44 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

I'll add this to the update but last night I caught my wife and the OG sending messages on a secret phone, using a secret email at around midnight.

Sorry but like most here surmised the affair never stopped and is ongoing.

Worst part, my 10yo daughter had to see the whole thing and is very aware that our problems are because of "Mommy cheating". I reached out to her teacher to let them know and to keep an eye on her and get her into the guidance counselor, but they called me back and said both parents have to sign a form in order for the school counselor to talk to her in situations such as these..

Don't lie to your daughter. Explain it in a sanitized way.

Lieing to them or keeping them in the dark just increasing their anxiety.

Right now you are the only sane parent so take care of her and yourself.

I would inform my superiors of this issue. They are usually very understanding and probably have dealt with these issues before. You will need all the help and support you can get at this time. Use it!!!!

[This message edited by Marz at 1:53 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

This morning I sent all the proof to the OG's wife, to his wifes mother and father and to the OG's father.

Best thing you could have done. It's not your job to help hide their affair. It usually as you've seen just enables it further.

Good luck

Keep posting you'll need as much help and info as you can get