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My WH and I have been doing really well lately, and I asked him if he ever fantasized about me. His answer hurt me to the core and I need to know if it's a "normal answer" or a "Sex Addict's answer" only. He said he has for the last 3 months, never before. I was very surprised and asked him who he fantasized about the other 20 years of our relationship. He wouldn't answer because he said that it's normal to fantasize about others. I understand it's normal to fantasize about others, but I thought you fantasized about your spouse also. Is he right??

[This message edited by veryhurt2018 at 8:31 AM, April 20th (Saturday)]

It’s considered normal by many of the experts but honestly I don’t fantasize about anyone other than my husband. I haven’t done that since I was a teenager. This makes me wonder if the same individuals who fantasize about others are more likely to cheat on their partners because of the new and exciting factor. The desire for something other than what they have. That would suggest that the same “experts” would likely say cheating is normal too. But we all know it’s not.

I'm with Marie - the vast majority of my fantasies have been about my W. If I found myself fantasizing about anyone else, I shift it to my W.

Except Sophia Loren. I let those fantasies play out. (W knows of my 'love' for Sophia....)

No, it's not normal to fantasize about others when you've committed your life to one person. The only person a married person should be fantasizing about is their spouse. How do affairs start? Fantasizing about a person other than your spouse. There's much scientific data to support this fact. Any supposed 'expert' that denies this fact has no clue what they're talking about and needs to have their credentials revoked. Your WH, like many others, is attempting to normalize his abnormal behavior. Don't fall for it.

I think it's normal, especially for men. I fantasize about my tv character crush (who happens to remind me a lot of my H). I don't fantasize about people I know.

I don't know if it's normal or not. Personally, I don't have any desire to fantasize about anyone but my husband. But that's just me.

I know my husband fantasizes about me, but I also know that he occasionally looks at pictures of naked women and I'm totally ok with that.

Heck, I think naked women are beautiful! Sorry, men, but I really think y'all look kinda silly without clothes!

But...my husband has never cheated on me and there is no doubt in my mind that he absolutely adores me. That definitely makes a difference. Were he to step out of the marriage, there's no way in hell I'd be ok with him looking at the photos because it would make me very insecure. I've been down that road and have no interest in returning there.

That all being said, it absolutely would hurt my feelings if he said he fantasized about other women because I would internalize it as not being good enough. I'm a chubby middle-aged woman whose body definitely looks like she's had three kids!

I think it's normal but I understand hurt feelings about it after infidelity has occurred. To say that your spouse is the only person you should ever fantasize about for the rest of your life is entirely unrealistic in my opinion.

I'm with cocoplus5nuts....

I have fantasized about others. Actors....and construction workers.

NEVER been close to cheating in my marriage. NEVER.

I have had fantasies also... but like coco and prissy...I have NEVER had an A.

I suppose it depends on what is meant by fantasize. Like seeing an attractive person and wondering what they look like naked or what a kiss might be like is kind of a fleeting fantasy that lasts a moment and is gone. I think that's rather normal. But a full on detailed fantasy about someone you know involving sexual acts and accompanied by masturbation and orgasm is taking it too far, especially fantasizing about having sex with someone else while having sex with your partner.

I'm sure there are a lot of thoughts and opinions on this and it's not exactly black or white. There are also what I think of as daydream situational fantasies like you walk into a bar (library, the beach, etc.) and meet an attractive stranger who takes you home and does everything right. It's not a fantasy about anyone real. It's not a friend, co-worker, or anyone else you know, it's just a daydream. I don't think that would bother me if my husband had that kind of fantasy.

Fantasizing is part of my recovering SA's acting out behavior. Meaning. It's part of him getting high.

So, while it absolutely may be "normal" for others to fantasize, it's not for my husband. He's an addict and if he wants to remain sober, he cannot engage in that behavior.

I don't know exactly who my husband fantasized about. Charleze Theron is one I discovered.

I also know it's random women in might encounter during the day.

I find it concerning that he's fantasized about moms at our kids school. It's not the fantasy per say. It's the fact that he's a sex addict, and eventually fantasy/masturbation will no longer give him that high. Escalation isn't a huge leap..It's going up to that mom and saying "Hey. Can you believe the homework the kids got last night"...and then eventually becoming an inappropriate/boundary crossing situation.

I'm on the fence about my husband's ability to successfully recover. He's hit dry drunk stage, now twice. This time, I am giving much more weight to what he's capable of, by being an addict, than I did after DDay1.

DDay2 proved that my husband is willing to prioritize his addiction at all costs.

I'd be foolish to think his addiction will never escalate. It is foolish to expect that an addict will have good boundaries.

I'm no longer interested in being foolish.

[This message edited by secondtime at 12:02 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]

It's 100% normal. The ones who don't are likely people with lower sex drives, honestly. So asking here may not be giving you a representative sample.

I don't see anything wrong whatsoever with fantasies, frankly.

I'm with PSTI in that this probably isn't a good representative sample of opinions. The term 'fantasizing' also probably needs to be a little more defined.

In my reply I took 'fantasizing' to mean obsessing over being with someone else; someone you know personally. I wasn't referencing a casual glance or thought. I think everyone at times casually glances at someone and has momentary casual thoughts about them. That's not what I would consider 'fantasizing'.

I wish you and everyone on this thread the best.

Perfectly normal. What isn’t is acting it out with someone else when you’re in a committed relationship. Role play your fantasy with your committed partner. Add some spice to your sex life with them. That’s fun. What isn’t right is acting those fantasies out with others.

Thanks Everyone,

I think I also agree with it's normal to fantasize, as I do it too, but the difference is that I never took it to the next level and acted on it. I think that's how it started with my WH, it was a fantasy, but he took it to the next level. Now I'm struggling to know what is normal and what isn't. That's why I asked.

I definitely idly fantasize. Celebrities, strangers, women I know/have known. Been doing it since I realized I liked girls and I consider it completely normal. I've also always maintained good boundaries and I've never cheated or had any real desire to.

If someone I was dating demanded that I never fantasize about anyone but her, I'd nope the fuck out of that relationship because I'm not going to put up with someone so jealous they want to be the thought police.

>>>>it's not normal to fantasize about others when you've committed your life to one person. The only person a married person should be fantasizing about is their spouse. <<<<

No need to speculate - whether it is "normal" or "abnormal" could easily be decided by doing a little research. The research has probably been done. I suspect that you would find that a large majority of people at one time or another have wondered what it might be like to have sex with various partners. It might be common for people to deny that they have sexual fantasies presumably because they feel ashamed of some of their thoughts or feelings or fantasies.

A more important question might be whether it is "normal" for one person to attempt to control what goes on inside someone else's head. Your thoughts, feelings, and fantasies are your business. Whether I approve of them is irrelevant. Your behavior is different. There are legitimate reasons why I might want to control your behavior. Thou shalt start by keeping thy filthy hands off my french fries, for example. But I have no right to control what goes on inside your head. The desire to control what goes on in other people's heads is decidedly not normal. Assessing whether other people's thoughts are sufficiently pure smacks of totalitarianism.

For whatever it's worth, the only woman I have fantasized about since I have been with my wife, is my wife.

And fantasize is not even the right word. I recall. I recall the last time she really seemed pleasured. Pleasant memories/thoughts for me.

Now she's my FWW.

Hasn't changed.

If someone I was dating demanded that I never fantasize about anyone but her, I'd nope the fuck out of that relationship because I'm not going to put up with someone so jealous they want to be the thought police.

So much this.

I fantasize more about women than about men, FTR. (I’m attracted to both but married to a man.)

I think fantasize is a very general term that comes in different quantities and varities. An occasional fantasy about a celebrity crush is not threatening, but a continual and ongoing fantasy about an old flame? Uh, no.

Especially when alone, falling asleep, or masturbating, it's normal to have some go to sexy thoughts of varying types. But that's different than drooling every time the neighbor is cutting the grass, falling into a routine fantasy about getting with this guy. That is wayward thinking.

To be honest, I've lived both types of fantasies. And when I am fantasizing about a certain someone and it is repetitive, it is a red flag on my mental and emotional state. It means I am unhappy, escaping, distracting, and avoiding that unhappiness, and I'm allowing these unicorn thoughts to take over. It's NOT ever ok, and it ALWAYS indicates a problem with ME, not the partner I'm with. I have done this in relationships when I was unhealthy and dysfunctionally avoidant, and I know it to be a huge red flag if it ever happens again.

But a sensuous fantasy about some non-existent person or celebrity every now and again is normal and not a threat to my partner. It's just a manifestation of a healthy sex drive.