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Just Found Out :
I didn’t want to believe it...but here I am again

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 Heartinpain (original poster member #69161) posted at 1:35 PM on Tuesday, July 30th, 2019

So OW talked to me because she thought that WH was lying to both of us (when he was still here) and wanted to clear the air. I’m guessing she’s having doubts....poor baby.

Anyway, I found out that STBXH told her that she wasn’t the first person that he cheated on me with. When I confronted him, he denied it, surprise. She also told me that they did not meet on a depression blog as the asshole told me, but KIK. So SI friends, with your experience, should I assume he was looking? I did a bit of research and learned that it is frequently used for affairs, people just looking to sext... is that your experience?

As of now, I’m assuming that’s the case. So his story of meeting her on this blog and just falling for her is a lie. He was looking. He told her I was a terrible wife and mom, that I didn’t care about him or his whereabouts. Meanwhile I was home worried sick and texting him to make sure he was ok. Lies, lies and more lies. And why does each piece of info continue to cut, to hurt? I’m ridding myself of this man and his lies. Why can’t I just be content with that? There is this part of me that keeps overthinking, rehashing everything, wanting the truth from him. Truth I know that I’ll never get.

BW, 43
Dday #1- Nov. 2018, Dday # 2- Jan. 2019, Dday #3, April 2019, Divorce final -June 2020
3 children- 17, 13, 10
It’s time to move on...

posts: 134   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2018
id 8412710
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Fantayworld ( member #52756) posted at 8:01 PM on Tuesday, July 30th, 2019

There is this part of me that keeps overthinking, rehashing everything, wanting the truth from him. Truth I know that I’ll never get.

Unfortunately I'm still doing this and feeling this way too. And I'm divorced. Logically it shouldn't matter anymore. I keep telling myself that the truth would not change one thing about where I am now. How will knowing the truth change anything?

Try to focus on yourself and what you want.

He told her I was a terrible wife and mom, that I didn’t care about him or his whereabouts. Meanwhile I was home worried sick and texting him to make sure he was ok. Lies, lies and more lies.

This was also my situation. So many nights I paced around, calling his phone frantically from worry while he was enjoying his sweet time with OW.

You deserve so much better. I understand that it still hurts. Your love for him was real. That's why learning more of the truth might just cut even more. Give more for your mind to obsess over. The lies are just too much, we will never get the full truth.

posts: 105   ·   registered: Apr. 14th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8412877
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 9:36 PM on Tuesday, July 30th, 2019

She also told me that they did not meet on a depression blog as the asshole told me, but KIK. So SI friends, with your experience, should I assume he was looking?

Yeah, I think you can safely assume he was looking. The whole purpose of Kik is anonymous messaging. From what I understand, there's no copies of messages kept on a server and people can change their accounts as much as they want. In a brief internet search, it appears that most of the traffic is sexting and drug-dealing.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs); Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 10

posts: 7097   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8412945
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:33 PM on Tuesday, July 30th, 2019

Please stop asking him any questions. It only makes things worse. His lies add more pain to your life.

His actions show it is time to move in from him and his drama. Sorry to say. He’s on apps looking to cheat. Game over!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14748   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8412988
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 8:14 AM on Saturday, August 3rd, 2019

I agree with ChamomileTea, curse him out next time you see him or talk to him. Show him there is a tough side to you he now gets to deal with. Maybe it's just from our perspective but you seem way too nice to your undeserving STBXWH. Take baby steps in detaching from him completely. He has already done so much emotional damage against you, your marriage and your kids.

I've noticed lately how much journaling has helped give me clarity in my life, you may want to give it a try.

posts: 927   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8414745
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sewardak ( member #50617) posted at 1:24 PM on Saturday, August 3rd, 2019

His actions show it is time to move in from him and his drama. Sorry to say. He’s on apps looking to cheat. Game over!

this!

posts: 4125   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2015   ·   location: it's cold here
id 8414772
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AmIAnIdiot15 ( member #71023) posted at 5:25 PM on Saturday, August 3rd, 2019

Move on. You can do it. We're here for you.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2019   ·   location: CO
id 8414851
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AmIAnIdiot15 ( member #71023) posted at 10:54 PM on Saturday, August 3rd, 2019

I've just finished this thread. *hugs* to you HiP. I'm so excited for you to be finished with this, to move on, to not have to deal with him anymore. He's no longer your circus or your monkey!

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2019   ·   location: CO
id 8414991
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sewardak ( member #50617) posted at 1:00 PM on Tuesday, August 6th, 2019

heart - how are you doing?

posts: 4125   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2015   ·   location: it's cold here
id 8416085
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 Heartinpain (original poster member #69161) posted at 6:51 PM on Tuesday, August 6th, 2019

Well, I am doing ok. Most days I’m doing well and thankful to have his drama and negativity out of my life. I am redoing my bedroom, which is keeping me busy. I’m excited about designing and redoing a room that is all my own.

This weekend we went to the banks to take care of some stuff. It’s unfathomable to me that this man that I had planned to spend the rest of my life with, now I can barely tolerate sitting next to. I made it through the first bank ok...as I got in my car, I started crying. The next bank was bad. I went in and only had to sign a few things. He had already done his part. As I was going through the process, I just broke down. The tellers were comforting me and asking if there was anything they could do to help.

I am an emotional person, but I hate having people see me that way. It makes me feel weak. The worst part was, I walked out to my car and there was STBXH talking to our son. I was so mad that he saw me crying. Ugh...

But overall, I’m doing pretty well. There are certainly moments that I feel really strong and I am proud of that.

For those of you that think I should tell the H off...as good as it would feel, I just don’t think it’s me. If I never had to talk to him again, then maybe I would. But seeing as though over got at least 10 years of shared parenting, I just don’t want to create more drama. It’s easier for me. Maybe it makes me “too nice” but it’s just the way I need to handle it. Who knows maybe the urge will come over me someday... and I know you’ll all be cheering me on:)

BW, 43
Dday #1- Nov. 2018, Dday # 2- Jan. 2019, Dday #3, April 2019, Divorce final -June 2020
3 children- 17, 13, 10
It’s time to move on...

posts: 134   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2018
id 8416280
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 7:51 PM on Tuesday, August 6th, 2019

Heart, we just see things from a different perspective and are on your side cheering you on. Maybe it's not so much telling him off as it is more like quit allowing him to mistreat you. I do get what being civil means...we just don't want to see you continually hurt by his coldness. It seems like he really has no boundries.

posts: 927   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8416305
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 10:14 PM on Tuesday, August 6th, 2019

((((Heartinpain)))) Don't worry about anyone thinking you are weak, least of all him. If anything, I think it's a good thing for him to get a good look at what the affect of his betrayal has had. Especially now that you are done with him. It's not like he can interpret it as you wanting him back. Nobody likes to be hit in the face with the reality of their horrible actions.

I, like you, found out going through the divorce process that there had been many betrayals. He had hit on almost every friend of mine. I was furious. Both at him and the so called friends that never thought to clue me in on it. I cry when I'm angry. It seemed like each revelation got me started crying all over again. Eventually it stops.

I suspect someday you will get the opportunity to tell him off. It will be when you are well down the road and have no reason to care what his response will be, because you won't want a response. You'll be amazed at how easy it will come to you. You'll reach this point where you have absolutely no idea why you ever wanted to be married to this jerk in the first place.

Life events will put you in a situation where he thinks you are friends in co parenting and he'll say something so ridiculous, about what a great father he is or whatever and you'll be able to calmly and succinctly unload on him. It will be far more effective than it is now. It will burst the fantasy bubble that he was one of the "good" cheaters.

I had that opportunity planning our daughter's wedding. He acted all put out that I expected him to pick up some of the expense, less than half mind you. And then he balked at going to pick up the linens for the tables from a rental place an hour and fifteen minutes away. I responded with "Really? Let's recap." And in went down the list of unpaid child support, failure to spend time with her growing up, and more than anyone on this site has time to read. I finished with "Tell me again how you aren't going to get in your van and head for Cedar Rapids Iowa to get those linens." He was gone in a half an hour.

posts: 1736   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8416364
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