SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Don’t wait for him to get home! Pile the kids in the car, get fast food and find Motel Six for the night!

One of two things will happen when he gets home: 1. No apology or recognition of what happened and that means your serving dinner or doing anything normal condones his rug sweeping; 2. He confronts you or you confront him or do something that “provokes” him and there is another fight, this time in front of the kids. Or both could happen - one before and one after the kids go to bed.

What I do not think will happen is that he will arrive and immediately approach you and tell you he is an idiot and has set up IC immediately and also anger management class. Do you see any glimmer of that happening?

[This message edited by Odonna at 7:09 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

Unfortunately I had no choice but to wait for him to get back because I needed him to get the baby's asthma medicine from the pharmacy. It's very expensive and I lost my debit card, so he had to get it. I'm upstairs now putting the baby to bed and haven't even seen him yet because he had my older son bring me up the medicine. I'm going to hide up here for the night and stay far away from him. There's no way he's going to come to me and say he's realized he's got a problem and needs help. I'm pretty sure he still thinks the entire thing was my fault. I'm so happy I posted on here. You guys are giving me so much strength right now when I feel so weak and vulnerable. I wish I could call out sick tomorrow, but unfortunately I'm already on thin ice at work because I've had to miss so many days because of the baby being sick. The last thing I need right now is to get fired. I have to just soldier on and try to make calls on my lunch break. At this point, I don't see any way to salvage this. This man doesn't love me at all. I have to get out of this marriage. I don't know yet what I'm going to do about the house. I make too much in my salary to get social assistance like food stamps and WIC. I won't qualify for legal aid. All the health insurance etc comes out of my check, so there's not much left over even though I make an OK salary. I can't stay at a shelter forever, and I don't know if they'd even take me. I need to call the hotline first thing on my way to work so I can start figuring out my options. Rent is way too expensive so I really think we'd all be much better off in the long run if I get the mortgage. His name won't be on the mortgage or the deed. Everything will be in my name only. Honestly it seems he's already got one foot out the door, so if I tell him I want a divorce he'll be fine with it. He really doesn't give a crap. He's probably in love with someone else.

I understand your practical instincts. I am assuming your baby goes to daycare while you are work? Let the daycare provider know that if you do not show up or cannot be reached to call the police to make a safety check on you. Or give that message to a trusted friend or family member if you do not check in by a certain time tomorrow. Does the baby sleep in your room? If not bring the baby in for tonight and lock the door, so that you do not have to go walking around if he/she wakes in the night. Get your water from the bathroom. Put WH’s pajamas and toothbrush and pillow and everything else he may need for the night at the top of the stairs. Do not text him or respond to texts. In fact block him for tonight so your phone is not binging at you. Lay out your clothes and the bay’s clothes for tomorrow. Do you need to help the older kids in the morning? Make plans to streamline that too.

Basically, teach him he cannot abuse you by doing an in-house separation for tonight and tomorrow morning. Set up your phone so you can instantly record if he bangs on the door or otherwise harasses you.

Be safe. I am very concerned.

Oops!

[This message edited by Odonna at 8:02 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

I need to leave him for good right, even if he changes his mind?

YES.

He attacked you, unprovoked, and blames you for it. There's no rationality remaining in his thought process, and that makes him dangerous.

I sincerely appreciate everyone's concern for me and I'll make sure to follow all the advice you guys are giving to stay safe. I went downstairs briefly to close and lock the windows (He had been outside chatting with the neighbor and I thought he was still out there) and he was sitting on the couch. I could tell he had a buzz on and was in an agreeable mood, so that made me feel relieved. He said I could leave the windows open since it was warm and he'd close them, so I said ok and came back upstairs. Most women have to worry about their husbands getting mean when they're drunk. For me, it's the opposite. It's so weird. He won't bother me tonight. He's probably down there on his whatsapp talking to some girl so that should keep him busy.

Go to “Forums” in the yellow box and click on it. The top box then will show you if you have private messages waiting.

[This message edited by Odonna at 10:09 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

Lp0725

You still need to go to the police and file a report. They can also help with getting some of your problems sorted, steering you to the proper resources. You are living with a timebomb. Physical abuse will only get MORE violent. Get to the police station and get this on record, then see about a restraining order. That will get him out of the house and away from you. You are not helping your kids by staying with this guy, quite the opposite you are teaching them that abuse and dysfunction is normal and acceptable.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 8:41 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

I hope you had a peaceful night. How are you doing?

I'm praying for you and praying that you will be able to get away from this maniac!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 8:11 AM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

Hey everyone, I'm alive and well and feeling much better today! He didn't bother me at all last night and I actually slept really well, which was surprising. I wound up running late to work so didn't have time to call the hotline, but I'm going to do that today if I have time on my lunch break. Work is insanely busy because we're short staffed, so I barely have time to think when I'm here. But as of now, these are my next steps:

1. Call the hotline to get advice.

2. Make an appointment with a lawyer to figure out the house situation and what I can expect to get for child/ spousal support.

3. Go to the police and file a report so there's a record of what he did. I won't tell him I did this, but if he tries anything at all I'm calling 911 and filing a restraining order. It should be easy to get it with the police reports.

4. Get set up with individual counseling ASAP.

5. Find a weekend job so I can afford everything on my own.

You guys have really opened my eyes. I feel a huge weight has been lifted just getting this off my chest. I'm really seeing him for who he truly is now. He's a narcissist and a manipulative liar. God knows what else he's done that I don't know about. I feel at peace with ending this marriage. I'm more scared of him than I am of being on my own with 3 kids. He's probably expecting me to beg and grovel for him not to leave, but that's not happening. The love I thought he had for me only existed in my head. I'm looking back now, seeing in hindsight it all was fake. It was all manipulation. No one who loved me could do what he did the other night.

I'm going to record any interactions with him without him knowing about it. He likes to pretend to be someone he's not, and I could easily destroy his reputation with all his friends and family if they saw evidence of his behavior. Trust me, he does not want anyone finding out he hit me. Everyone would think he's a complete POS, and that would be his worst nightmare. I'm going cold and ruthless on him. Only worrying about protecting myself and my kids. He'll never get the opportunity to break my heart again. The man I loved didn't exist.

I started reading a bit about the abusive personality types from Why Does He do that, and "The Demand man" seems to fit him best, but I see some of him in the other abusive types as well. Very eye opening. He is very self centered and needs a lot of attention. He's always going on about how I don't appreciate him, yet he never thanks me for all the things I do for him and our family. His arrogance has gotten worse since he started his new job and now makes way more than he used to. Always going on about how hard he works and how much he does for our family. His job is very physical, yes, but I work full time 45 hours a week. He belittles my contributions because I make less money and work in an office. Everything revolves around his needs. Any time I get sick, he seems to feel sick soon after, getting him out of letting me rest. He constantly goes to the Emergency room for various things. We have so many medical bills from him doing this crap. But when I ask him to go to the doctor, he makes excuses about how he can't miss work.

I'm going to be doing a lot more reading so I can learn how to handle this idiot. I'm stuck dealing with him for the next 18 years because of our son, so I need to figure out how to decrease the stress he causes me.

Most women have to worry about their husbands getting mean when they're drunk

Most women don’t worry about their husbands being abusive, drunk or not.

Follow your plan. Hot line, lawyer, police. Don’t tell him anything. Don’t tell him you want a divorce, he might hit you again.

Infidelity is bad, but spousal abuse is worst. It’s like worrying about your husband sexting while your house is on fire and your baby is sound asleep.

Please follow your plan. The hotline, lawyer and police will tell you what to do. Post often. Stay safe.

Are you home from work yet? How is your plan progressing? Do prioritize making the police report, as you need to do that while the event is fresh and you are coming up on 48 hours.

What is your plan for when he comes home tonight? Do not count on peace just because he did not confront you last night. Be vigilant and have a contingency plan in place.

Hugs!!!

I am so sorry that you are going through this. When you can, Google search "61 devastating signs of emotional abuse in a relationship". Although your WH has crossed over into being physically abusive, he is also very emotionally abusive of you. Perhaps this list can help you identify his actions for the abuse that they are.

As a word of caution, buying the house in your name only will not give you exclusive rights to the house in a divorce. Consult with that attorney. It might be best to be legally separated before purchasing anything major like that.

Hugs.

F1

to be on the safe side, make a "GO" bag for you and your kids. Keep it in the car (or somewhere you can grab it quickly - or a friends home). Put in the bag extra clothing for everyone, diapers, wipes, bottled water, important papers (or get a safe deposit box somewhere for papers), extra medication (if you can), etc. **I recommend this to anyone who lives in a violate household. If you don't need to use it - great, but it is there in case you do.

I'd also suggest that anything you value, move it somewhere he can't get to - pictures, jewelry etc. To this slowly so he doesn't come home and realize things are missing.

*hugs*

Sorry for not updating sooner, I've been so busy today as always. Unfortunately I never got the chance to do anything yesterday. I had to go straight from work to get the baby and had all the kids so I couldn't file a police report because I didn't want STBX finding out. I don't even get home till 6pm, and then have to make dinner, help with homework, take care of baby, etc. so finding time to do things is basically impossible. Of course after he gets home I can't even call anyone in case he overhears the conversation. The only thing I was able to do so far was call some lawyers and I'm waiting on return calls to set up consultations. I spent the whole night last night reading "Why does he do that" and felt so sick and disturbed, but also a sense of relief that I can now see through all his manipulation and bullshit.

He acted normal yesterday, still didn't apologize or even try to talk to me about anything, which I'm fine with. I have no interest in what he has to say anymore. He pretty much kept his distance and slept on the couch. I think he's feeling a little unsettled because usually I'd be sending him emotional texts or trying to talk to him or patch things up, but I've been aloof and business like with him instead. Now that I can see who he really is, I am disgusted and have no interest in repairing things. Work is seriously stressing me out as well. I'm completely overloaded and feel like I'm in a whirlwind. I have to go to the bank today after work and texted him this morning asking him to get the baby from daycare today, but of course he's conveniently working late again so won't be able to. I was hoping to stop by the police station to file a report after going to the bank, but once again I'll have all the kids so that will be impossible. I'm getting so angry and frustrated. I have to cater to this asshole's work schedule and because of him I can't even get the help I need.

I'm going to pack a "Go" bag today like Mamadragon suggested, I just hope I'll have time to do it before he gets home. I never imagined one day I'd be afraid of this man. When he comes anywhere near me, I feel my body tense up. I want him gone, but I know that right now I just don't have enough evidence to file an emergency restraining order. I know because I had to get one years ago for this guy who was harassing me, and they denied the order until I went back with multiple police reports. If I try to get a restraining order on him and get denied, I'm scared of what he'd do to retaliate against me. I have to make sure I have evidence before I even try that. I just want this nightmare to be over

Since you have a baby, use diaper bags - that way you can tell him you are preparing for next weeks commute. Should he ask :)

I also suggest, if he is being nosy - do a little bit at a time. Put an outfit in your purse - if he asks, tell him your office has a team building activity that *might* require a different type of clothing. Always have a reason for doing something. IE put your older children a change of cloths in their bookbags - or use older book bags (explained as they are spending the night with friends....when it doesn't happen, say that it was cancelled).

Try and put some extra money in a safe place too. Just in case.

Hugs!

for clothing you can also use the excuse that you are going through their cloths to take to good will.

Good will meaning "in case I need to run"

So when I got home today he's acting like nothing happened. He texted me before he got home saying he put $1500 in the joint account, so I guess he was bluffing when he said he won't give me another penny. Just a few minutes ago he said he bought himself a PlayStation since he's living on the couch now so he needs to keep himself entertained until I "decide to kick him out again". He said he didn't want to hear any complaints from me about it for spending all that money. I just said ok. So I'm assuming that means he was bluffing about moving out as well. I don't know if he might be feeling a little guilt about what he did, or if he's just sensing that he's losing control of me since I've been so aloof to him. When he was talking to me he said I side eyed him and asked what my problem was. I just said I didn't have one and changed the subject. It made me so angry inside though. He knows damn well why I'm looking at him like that, but he's not going to get the pleasure of getting an emotional reaction out of me. I'm going to try to leave work early tomorrow so I can go file the report and also call the hotline. I went on the hotline site and tried the live chat but it shut off after I put my phone down for a second and I just didn't have the time or energy to type everything out again. I'd really rather just talk to a live person anyway.

I've been having the most horrible anxiety the past few days. Right now my daughter just keeps talking and talking and I'm trying so hard not to snap at her. I'm so overwhelmed. I wish I could just take the kids and run away and never come back here. But we need this house, plus I have nowhere to run to anyway. The thought of giving my kids a stable home is the only thing keeping me going right now. I'm going to try to get as much cash accumulated as possible, and once I have enough for the down payment I'm going to tell him he needs to move out. I'll make sure I do this in a safe way, even if it's a restraining order. Right now I'm just getting my ducks in a row. Anyway, he's about to be done in the shower so gotta go :(