SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And now while he’s on The couch call the police and file a report,

I filed a report already for the incident last week. He isn't being threatening and hasn't touched me so there's nothing for me to call for now. He just doesn't think he did anything wrong.

He knows what he did was wrong, he is just hoping you will accept it and move on.

As long as he does not acknowledge the elephant in the room, he feels like "he got away with it".

He doesn't know that he isn't going to "get away with it".

stay strong! *hugs*

Today I feel like everything has hit me... I don't feel composed anymore. I want to scream and cry. I just want the pain to go away. I feel like everything was just a big lie. All my love has been in vain. It never meant anything to him. When we met I was fine with my 2 children and had no interest in having any more kids. He had no kids of his own and wanted a baby more than anything. I thought he truly loved me, and I loved him so much I agreed to have another child just so he could have that experience. He knew I did that for him. I love our son and would never regret him, but it kills me that he doesn't give two shits about the sacrifice I made. The pregnancy was very hard on my body and I never felt like he truly empathized with me. I've made mistakes in our marriage, yes, but I would never ever treat him the way he's treated me. Now he'll get to walk away and move on happily with his life, while I have so much baggage no good man would ever even want me. I don't even understand why the hell he hasn't just moved out. He clearly doesn't love me or want me. He knows I'd never keep the baby from him, so I know it's not that. I just can't believe this is the man he turned out to be. How could I not have seen it was all an act? I should have known better after all I've been through. I feel like there's no hope for me.

Good morning!

I think it was just yesterday I told you to expect the rollercoaster. Now it is here, and you just have to ride it for a while. Just keep in mind that you will stabilize again, and over time, the stability will increase.

Is there anyone you can borrow the money from for the down payment? Or can you put a bunch of bills on a credit card to maximize cash? Or can you kick him out and take in a boarder for extra cash? The house will be marital property if you are together and he helps pay for it. And it just does not seem like you are safe with him.

Take care today!

I figured you were right that my sense of calm wouldn't last... I think his behavior last night is what triggered my meltdown today. I want him to feel the pain I feel. It's not fair he gets to walk away unscathed. I know they say the best revenge is living well, but the thought of that isn't giving me any satisfaction at the moment. I look at him and feel so much despise and hatred. I want to wipe that smug arrogant look off his face and tear him apart inside. I want to leave him a shell of who he was. I feel he has destroyed my life and used me up. I wish I never had to see his face again.

Unfortunately I have no one to borrow money from. There's no extra bedrooms for a boarder. The credit cards already have high balances that need to be paid. I'm powerless. He has all the power here and he fucking knows it. I have nowhere to go, no one to turn to. That's why he feels he can shit all over me.

Lean into the blank slate. Inventory your employable skills. Go to a shelter and talk with a counselor about your situation; Yes - you might live in sub par housing for a year while you get back on your feet. But five years from now, walking away from this will look a lot different than the blank wall in front of you.

Can you move the baby into your room? Or put a futon in the baby’s room and rent the master bedroom?

Do you have any valuable to sell or pawn? Even just have a big yard sale and raise grocery money? Any weekend work you can do?

I am just worried that this limbo is going to lead to a blow-up when he cannot take the 180 anymore.

Odonna, I'm worried about that too but honestly he seems to be dealing with it pretty well so far. He's been making comments here and there about sleeping on the couch, saying he's not getting sleep, but other than that plus the incident the other night, he's been pretty quiet. I think he knows he was wrong and he crossed the line but he's very stubborn and doesn't want to admit it. I think he's also testing how far he can push me. He's made it clear he has no plans to leave, just with comments he's making about plans for the house after it's bought, telling me his next bonus will be great, etc. If he does wind up blowing up, then I'll have to go to plan B, which is basically find a cheap apartment and deal with that for the foreseeable future. Taking on a boarder won't work because we're already short on bedrooms, but I've already started looking into weekend work, like a bartending gig. I have a few things lined up for that so I think I'll be ok. Also, I would get spousal support along with child support until the divorce is final, so that should help as well for the first few months. The yard sale is a good idea but I don't really have a whole lot of stuff to sell, at least not anything of significant value.

I am going to start looking for a new job now though since the job market is good. I like my job and have an alright salary but I'm hoping I can find something better.

I am glad you are making plans and moving forward. Do you have an appointment with a lawyer yet? You really need to talk about the house.

Good luck today!

I think he knows he was wrong and he crossed the line but he's very stubborn and doesn't want to admit it.

LP, I'd be a little careful in thinking this. John Gottman has a great book full of years of reasearch on abusive marriages and he found that abusive people really do believe that what they did was insignificant. He probably truly believes that he tapped you and you're overreacting. Unfortunately that also means he's very likely to do it again.

Stay safe. You're doing great.

Unfortunately no lawyer just yet, I've been playing phone tag with a couple of them. I work from 8 to 5 every day and spend most of my day on the phone, so I keep missing their return calls and then they're not available when I'm able to call back. I'm sure I'll link up with one soon though.

It's crazy to me that he could really truly believe it was ok to hit me. Even though it wasn't a full blown slap, he definitely didn't just "tap" my head. It was an open handed light slap on the side of my forehead. It didn't leave a mark or hurt really bad, but it still hurt and was very traumatizing. I could maybe understand him doing it if I had physically attacked him, but I was nowhere near him and didn't even yell. But I think you're correct that he has completely minimized it in his head. He would've been horrified at himself and apologized to me already if he was a normal person. But he's not normal.

Any physical violence is intolerable. And whether it was a light or hard slap does not matter; he is much bigger than you and had you cornered in the kitchen. He CHOSE to intimidate you and lay hands on you TO hurt you.

You have every right to make this a bright line from which your marriage cannot return. His minimization of it is very disturbing to me. At some point I think the cornering and intimidating invasion of your space will recur, even if he does not hit you. Have your phone on you at all times, and record any threatening behavior. Also, prepare some things to say to him. Like, “let’s go sit down” or “please back up.” Keeping your cool will be important so rehearse a few things that you think will help defuse things.

Hugs!

So shit hit the fan last night. I gave him an attitude about something and he just started arguing with me from there. I was so angry I lost all my fear and just went off on him about how I felt. He said all kinds of awful things to me, that I'm a terrible wife, that I'm a gold digger, that all I care about is money, he doesn't give a shit about me, he doesn't want me anymore. I told him he's a narcissist, he doesn't care about anyone's feelings except his own, I know why he downloaded whatsapp and he's just mad he got caught, all he does is yell at me all the time, and I don't love him anymore. He isn't sorry at all for hitting me, he called it a "dummy slap" like what you do when someone is being an idiot, not a "real slap". I told him it's good to know he's not sorry and doesn't think he did anything wrong, because now I know for sure he'll do it again if I let him.

Basically, the end result was he is moving out as soon as he can, but he will still give me money for the down payment. I'm relieved about that but at the same time I'm devastated. All I ever wanted was for him to love me. I'm feeling really horrible about myself right now. I knew he was faking it but I guess I was hoping deep down he still loves me. But he truly despises me. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again.

(((Lp0725)))

This is one of the hardest hitting parts of the matter: realizing you have gone from being the love of his life to the most despised person ever to him.

If your WH is NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disordered), then this is the Discard phase. It is related to the black and white, or all or none, thinking - you went from "all" or "white" (best love ever) to "none" or "black" (worst person around) to him, and it was absolutely nothing you did at all.

I have little advice to give (save to be careful about relying on his statement he will still give you the money for the down payment as it is unlikely he will keep his word on anything at all), but I wanted you to know that there are others, like me, who understand what you are feeling about this right now. I also want you to know that you can get through it and to the other side. I will say that it will be better for you if you forget trying to understand how you went from adored to hated in what seems a split second and instead focus on trying to get to accepting that it is what it is ("accepting" here is not meaning "making it ok", as it's not, ever) - you can't understand crazy, and trying will only make you crazy.

Hang in there.... His behavior even with this argument shows his attitude and shows his behavior would indeed likely only get worse with time, unfortunately; you and your children will be better off, in the end, without that atmosphere in the home, if nothing else. (My home became a much more peaceful place to be without just the tension xwh brought with him whenever he was there.)

Oh, and now it is pertinent, as in priority one, that you get with a lawyer, even if it means missing work just to get an appointment lined up to see one and again to go to the appointment; you HAVE to protect yourself and your kids immediately. (Watch out for WH to possibly be running to the bank to clear out accounts now.... Filing would make that stop and would maybe get an order to have it put back, but that takes time, during which you and the kids would be doing without - so I hope you have some money in accounts WH can't touch....)

So sorry you're going through all this....

Well, I posted the hug, but i really wanted you to know that there are so many of us reading your story and truly pulling for you! I've only posted on here once or twice, but I read every update.

You have been amazing!

Well, it was coming. You knew your course and he could not take the 180 and your anger showing through.

Please do see a lawyer ASAP and also make some contingency plans so that he does not leave you entirely in the lurch if he does not give you the down payment or fails in something else. How are your older kids doing? Did they hear everything?

Do not trust him on the money. Time to lawyer up.

He could have been saying things in anger to hurt you.

He may still love you but is so selfish and nasty he would never admit otherwise.

Do not be down on yourself. That is what he wants.

Be proud you stood up for yourself. Be proud you will move forward and start living a stress free toxic free life.

You will be happier. Your children will be less stressed over this. It will all turn out okay. Be positive.