SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He's a bully. So, he cheated but yet YOU ruined the marriage, and he's 'done with you'. Instead of begging and scrambling, you tell him that's fine because you're done too.

His response was to rush you in the kitchen, use his superior size and strength to scare the crap out of you and threaten you, and then to physically hurt you. You were crying, and he not only showed no compassion or guilt, he kept pushing.

Is this the male role model you want your son to be looking up to? Think hard about that, and I'm so sorry this happened to you. You don't deserve ANY of this.

I'm sitting here in tears reading all your responses... I can't even describe how it feels to have all of you confirm I do not deserve this bullshit from him. I knew it logically, but hearing it from all you guys is so vindicating. I know I have to get him out if he doesn't just leave on his own. Things are further complicated by the fact that I'm currently in the middle of buying the house I was renting, and I need his help financially with the down payment. Last night he said he's leaving and not giving me another penny. If this falls through, I have no idea where me and my kids will go. He makes way more money than I do. I am so scared right now.

As far as drugs and alcohol, he does drink but the weird thing is he's actually really nice when he drinks. But the next day if he has a hangover he's extremely irritable and whines about everything. I know he sometimes takes Xanax for his anxiety. He's not prescribed them though so only gets them when his friend has extra. I'm honestly not sure what else he could be hiding though. He's obviously a sneak. And the way he was acting about the whatsapp was ridiculous, acting like he didn't even know what it was. It looks like he's just getting better at covering his tracks. And he obviously doesn't give a shit about all the pain he caused me. He thinks I should just magically get over it all and trust him fully again, but obviously I can't do that. I know he needs help for his anxiety and anger issues. He has said before that I'm the cause of his anger issues, and he's a naturally happy person, it's just dealing with me that makes him angry. I'm really seeing now how much he blames me for all his shitty behavior. I just feel so depressed and worthless. I feel like a crappy mother and wife. I have made such a mess of my life.

Are you living in the house you are trying to buy right now? Will the seller wait a little longer? Do you have joint accounts with your WH? If so, take out what is needed for the down payment and also take out half of the remaining balance and move it to an account only in your name.

Btw, if your name is not on any of his bank accounts, that is one more piece of evidence of controlling behavior that is part of the abuse.

Talk to a lawyer ASAP as well as documenting the assault in a police report.

Do you have a friend you can stay with for a few days? Do your older kids have good friends they can bunk with for a few days?

Keep in mind that we TEACH people how to treat us by what we tolerate. If he comes home tonight with no apology and no acknowledgment of what he did to you, that is a signal that he feels free to do that again whenever he wants, and expects you to suck it up and pretend it never happened. I just gave this exact same advice on the Ruined Easter thread, which you might want to read to see how that situation compares to yours and how the advice given there resonates for you.

I don't know enough about his daily treatment of you to say how bad this is, but it did bleed over to physical violence, and that has to be a hard, hard boundary for you, or you are tacitly saying you will accept that behavior and still stay.

I know this is awful, but do not blame yourself. Take pride in protecting yourself and your kids now, and promise yourself the help you will need going forward to adjust your "picker" so you do not end up with abuse in the future.

However this turns out, you absolutely must not believe him when he tells you that you are the reason he's angry.

He is the reason he's angry. He downloaded whatsapp and got caught. See? He got angry at himself. You are just the mirror. He looks at you and all he can see is the mistakes he's made.

This man rushed you. Cornered you. Smacked your head, like you were a dog or something. And you were in your kitchen, getting water. Is that ok? If this were your grown son doing this to his wife would you blame her for it? Of course not. Don't perpetuate this behavior by letting it go.

I would make a police report as soon as you can. You need to document this starting now. Also writing it down and speaking to the police will help make you see it for what it is. You are not safe in this relationship. You don't have a normal family. I'm so sorry.

Make yourself and your kids safe. Leave the house. Go to a women's shelter where you'll be protected.

Next, see a lawyer to see what your rights are.

It's time to see your situation for what it is before he hurts you further. I'm so sorry you're here.

Stop beating yourself up.

You didn't make a mess of your life, he did that.

Now as far as needing $$ from even more reason to see the police and file the RO and get an attorney.

He makes more money than you but you are the mother of his son and legally he is required to provide for him, and depending on your state he may be required to pay some spousal support.

Stop the sale/purchase of the home, that is only going to get you in deep and tie you to this abuser. Abuser's don't change. Especially when they don't want to.

You need to get out and get out now.

I didn't really see his yelling as abuse since he doesn't call me names or say cruel things to me, he's just very loud and irritable.

It is abuse and it is escalating. Please call the hotline. Then see an attorney ASAP.

I think he definitely is a bully. I feel like there have been so many times when I tried to talk to him about my feelings and he just tells me I'm wrong and shouts me down. He has a naturally loud booming voice, so when he yells it's intimidating.

I do live in the house I'm renting but I doubt my landlord would let me push it back. We've already signed the agreement of sale and the closing date is set for early June. We do have a joint account but there's not enough in there for the whole down payment plus all my other bills. If he stops depositing his paychecks that money will be gone in no time. I'm thinking about just trying to play it cool with him and act like all is fine just until I get past closing, and then follow through with ending the marriage. I really doubt he'd try to hit me again if I'm not doing anything to provoke him. He's not controlling at all. I'm free to do what I want, as long as I'm not calling him on his bullshit.

Unfortunately my older kids walk to and from school since I have to be at work early in the mornings, so having them stay with anyone wouldn't really work since no one is in my neighborhood. Everyone I know has families of their own and no extra space for me and the kids. I also feel bad imposing on people.

Do you all think I should try to just get past the closing date and try to keep the peace until then? If he gets physical again I would definitely call the cops, but unless I'm arguing with him I really doubt he'd try it. But who knows? Obviously I was very wrong about him.

Also just to add, the house will be in my name only. He doesn't really have any credit history and a lot of his income is bonuses, so having him on the mortgage actually made the rate higher. I really don't want to live in a shelter. I want to stay in the house I live in. Rents are way too high where I live for me to afford. A mortgage I can manage, but not rent.

Sometimes relationships are just too toxic. You need to get intense therapy for your foo and he needs to leave. This is pretty much black and white. No gray area. It could escalate and then one day while you are holding the baby he hits you.

Unfortunately this has the potential to get worse. Not better

Think of leverage points you might have here.

Can you afford the house payments if he disappears or were you going to have all the liabilities in your name and he was going to coast and play control games over you to keep you trapped in the marriage?

If you can afford the payments, and it's just the down payment you need, I'd let him know that he can either fund you with the down payment now as part of the divorce settlement, or you'll go public with a go-fund-me story about recovering from a domestic violence situation and needing enough money to get into a different situation.

Lp, it doesn't matter if his name is on the house or not. Most states will count it as marital property especially if he contributed to the down payment. See a lawyer before you make a decision so that you don't get stuck having to buy him out of the house too.

I definitely will talk to a lawyer, although if he was the one making the decision to leave I doubt he'd go after me for the house. He makes plenty of money and will definitely make out better than me financially regardless of child support. I can afford the mortgage on my own with child support and a side job on the weekends I don't have the kids.

I just am having a hard time fully believing deep down it's really not my fault. Am I just so horrible that I turned him into this monster? He's not what I'd call a violent person... He doesn't throw or break things, or get in fights or anything. I still can't believe he slapped me like that. He hates me so much he didn't even care I was crying and terrified. I'm more angry at myself for getting involved with him. There had to be some red flag I missed somewhere?? I don't get it... He used to be so loving to me. I thought I'd finally found a good man after all the pain I've been through in my life, and in the end he's just like that rest of them. Sometimes I really hate myself.

I feel like I'm dealing with Jekyll and Hyde here.

Because you are. This is your self protection kicking in. Listen to it.

Please immediately contact a Domestic Violence place. They know what to do and can advise you. They have attorneys and other resources to help you. The may have free or low cost counselors for you.

Here is the perfect book for you to read. Do not tell him about this book or about SI. This book will help you understand what has been happening and how to help yourself.

Why Does he Do That? By Lundy Bancroft.

Please don't beat yourself up. You are here reaching out for help and that is fantastic. You will figure this out....you will survive this and thrive.

Guys like your husband often wear a mask. They are master manipulators and masters at reading people and using what they learn to get their way.

Problem is they cannot keep the act up forever. One day the mask falls off, and that is what you saw. The real him.

He's angry because you are interfering with what he wants to do. So, he bullies you and attacks. He's hoping to get you back in line.

This is not about you. You cannot force anybody to do anything. He attacked because he wants his way and he believes he is deserving of what he wants and you must do what he wants too.

This is why you need help of experienced people. The police and Domestic violence center have the knowledge of how to help you safely get away. And give you the time to think about how you want your life to be.

And the way he was acting about the whatsapp was ridiculous, acting like he didn't even know what it was.

I'm really seeing now how much he blames me for all his shitty behavior.

I think he definitely is a bully. I feel like there have been so many times when I tried to talk to him about my feelings and he just tells me I'm wrong and shouts me down. He has a naturally loud booming voice, so when he yells it's intimidating

I really doubt he'd try to hit me again if I'm not doing anything to provoke him. He's not controlling at all. I'm free to do what I want, as long as I'm not calling him on his bullshit

He's not what I'd call a violent person... He doesn't throw or break things, or get in fights or anything. I still can't believe he slapped me like that. He hates me so much he didn't even care I was crying and terrified.

honey, these quotes are all from your last couple of posts, never mind the first page.

Violence doesn't have to be simply physical, the mind games, put downs, controlling comments and actions are just as damaging if not more so, you don't see them coming, they're insidious, he keeps you permanently off balance.

You are better than living like this, your kids deserve better than this, do you want them to grow up thinking that intimidating outbursts are normal? I'm a firm believer that people show their true selves in times of stress, and his is to lash out, verbally abuse and intimidate, threaten and use his size and voice to control you.

Take the power from him.

Read the healing library in the top left hand corner of the page, specifically the 180, and put it to use. It is designed to make you stronger and better able to make decisions in the best interests of yourself and your children.

Educate yourself .

Find the cash and go meet with the best lawyer you can find, learn how this may play out for you, his roles and responsibilities, you have a child together, he can't just walk away regardless of what he thinks. Contact your local refuge and women's centre, reach out for the help available, especially as he has already lashed out once, you might need help in a hurry.

Above all, take care, be kind to yourself, love your kids, none of this is your fault, none of it.

LG,

Playing it cool until closing is a very bad ideas. It condones how he treated you last night and dramatically raises the risk of repeat. Besides, even if the house is in your name, if the mortgage will be on both your names then that is one more thing to disentangle in a divorce.

Will you lose any kind of deposit if you back out of the sales agreement? I would do that. You need to simplify your life, not complicate it with real estate. Please get out of the house to a hotel or a shelter with your kids for the night, call in sick to work tomorrow (that will be true as you are in agony) and make a police report and talk to a lawyer. Make it absolutely plain that you are teaching him NOT to abuse you. He could actually get the wake-up call if you do that. But he certainly won’t if you stay.

You guys are right. I didn't turn him into this person. It was there all along, but he hid it from me. Normal guys don't go around slapping their wives upside the head. He's going to be back here soon so I have to wait till he's not around to call the domestic violence hotline. I haven't gone to the police because I'm so screwed up in the head that I still feel the urge to protect him from the consequences of his decisions. I wish I had been strong enough to call them last night. I don't have any marks on me of course, he did it just hard enough to hurt but not hard enough to leave a bruise. The slap only hurt physically for a moment, but the emotional pain of it is devastating. I had to work all day on the verge of a mental breakdown. I kept starting to cry and then had to stuff the hurt back down. How could he be so cruel and cold? If I saw him hysterically crying, my first instinct would be to comfort him. Instead he gripped me up and slapped me. He never loved me at all.

" I haven't gone to the police because I'm so screwed up in the head that I still feel the urge to protect him from the consequences of his decisions."

one foot in front of the other. What would you tell your daughter to do if her husband did this?