SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I posted on here a few weeks ago about my situation with my husband. Basically, I caught him sexting and then again caught him being inappropriate on social media (liking sexy pics of girls, sending friend requests to random attractive girls who he doesn't even know). I don't feel like typing it all out again so feel free to search my other post if you want the full story.

Anyway, we agreed to reconcile, go to marriage counseling, yada yada yada. We haven't actually started yet because of finances, but were planning to start very soon. Since he's been back, I've tried really hard to be the best wife I can be. However, it's really hard because I feel he just yells at me all the time for dumb stuff. It makes my anxiety really bad. I also feel like sometimes the way he talks to me is belittling. He says he's just being sarcastic and joking, and I have a very sarcastic sense of humor too but sometimes he just goes overboard with it. Also, he hardly ever initiates sex and I'm feeling very insecure about that as well.

Fast forward to last night. I looked on his phone while he was sleeping just to see if he was up to anything. I noticed he had whatsapp on his phone (no messages or anything in there but he could've deleted it), which wasn't on there the last time I looked a couple months ago. I found this suspicious because I've heard that app is popular with cheaters. Also, he had told me he blocked the girl I caught him sexting with on Facebook, but when I searched her name on his Facebook a profile came up (I later saw it was actually an old profile of hers and he did in fact block her so I felt pretty dumb after). I asked him why she wasn't blocked and why he had whatsapp on his phone. He got extremely angry and started flipping out, saying he blocked her and he doesn't even know what whatsapp is, and that we were trying to move past all this but I've ruined everything by looking through his phone and starting all this crap again. He said he was done with me and our marriage was over, and then he went downstairs to sleep on the couch. I went down a little while later to grab water, and he yelled at me when I came down that I better leave him alone and he's finished with me. I said ok, that's just fine with me because I can't go through this anymore, and I walked into the kitchen. He then charged out into the kitchen and ran at me, cornering me. It all happened so fast I don't even remember the order of it all, but never once did I put my hands on him and I was crying hysterically. He gripped me up by my shirt and then grabbed my face, squeezing it which hurt because he's huge and is much stronger and bigger than me. All this time he was yelling and asking why I did this, why I ruined our marriage when there wasn't even anything to find in his phone. He then slapped me on the top side of my head. Not as hard as he's capable of because he would've knocked me out cold, but hard enough to hurt. I cried even more, trying to get away from him but he wouldn't let me leave the kitchen. He said I deserved it for all the dumb shit I'm doing. Eventually he let me leave the kitchen and I ran upstairs and cried my eyes out for hours unable to sleep. I'm still in shock. He hasn't apologized and I don't know if he plans to.

I'm not even sure what I want advice on and what to do going forward, I just really need some support right now. I need to leave him for good right, even if he changes his mind? Logically I know he had no rights to put his hands on me but I guess I just have a hard time seeing him as an "abuser". Also, there's this nagging feeling deep inside me that maybe what he did wasn't so bad and it's my fault for starting a huge fight in the middle of the night. I feel so disgusted with myself even saying that, but I want to be completely honest on here.

Lp0725,

Do you have any people around you that can help? If you haven't already, go to the police station and describe what happened. You're not safe with him. Please get all the help you can.

"Logically I know he had no rights to put his hands on me but I guess I just have a hard time seeing him as an "abuser". Also, there's this nagging feeling deep inside me that maybe what he did wasn't so bad and it's my fault for starting a huge fight in the middle of the night. I feel so disgusted with myself even saying that, but I want to be completely honest on here."

oh honey, this is a classic case of abuse, including the fact that the one being abused minimizes the abuse and accepts some blame for it.

So, he cheated AND he slapped you. That is a certified dealbreaker for me. Why stay? What do you see in him? Do you have children?

You need some time to work on yourself for sure. Can you get into IC ASAP? Can you ask him to leave for a while to get your bearings? Family or friends to turn to? This is a very serious situation. Please treat it as such.

I'm sorry you're here..

Lp - he got angry and defensive because you are on to something. You know it and he knows it. And my spidy sense tells me you only saw the tip of a very big iceberg.

HE HIT YOU!

Run, do not walk, away.

Don't accept the blame that you snooped and ruined everything. His actions caused this - not your finding out about it.

I'm so very sorry you find yourself in this situation. I'm so very sorry he refuses to be the man you need him to be and that he promised to be.

Do yourself a favor - copy and print what you wrote here outlining the events. Add details and fill in the blanks as needed. Take pictures of marks/bruises on your skin. Take a copy to your local precinct and an attorney.

And please - take extra good care of yourself.

I am so damned sorry to read this. Please don't take on any of the blame for this. His striking you is the crossing of a red line. Consider getting away from him. Now.

CALL THE POLICE NOW

RIGHT NOW

From your own words, this is not a one time over-stepping of boundaries; you say he verbally abuses you all the time, by demeaning you and yelling and intimidating you. That is abusive behavior even if this is the very first time he has laid hands on you.

Call a women's crisis center and get some counseling about your options and how to shift the lens through which you see his treatment of you. Denying the abuse is very common; there is another JFO poster going through the very same thing right now.

Making a police report also is a very good idea. You do not have to make a "complaint" and seek to have him arrested, but making a "report" so that the police know what is going on is a very sound idea in case things escalate again.

And consult a lawyer about your rights.

Please understand that your safety and getting out of abuse is a priority over dealing with the infidelity and whether or not he was breaking any promises he made to you in pursuing reconciliation. So take care of that first thing.

Your husband is abusing you. He began with verbal and emotional abuse and crossed the line to physical abuse. This has escalated and is becoming dangerous. Go to the police station and contact and attorney ASAP.

You did not do ANYTHING to deserve this so get that out of your head.

Your WH is an abuser, time to get out.

Yes, we have an 8 month old son together. I also have 2 older children from a previous relationship. We've been together 4 years, married for 2. I don't have anyone I can stay with temporarily unfortunately. However, he did say last night that he's leaving me and moving out. So I guess maybe I won't even have to worry about finding somewhere to go. He used to be so in love with me and now I just feel he despises me. I got physical with him and hit him when I found out he was sexting. I'm no angel myself, but since I've gotten on meds for my anxiety/ depression back in December I haven't been abusive to him in any way. I had previously been occasionally verbally and emotionally abusive to him, which I still feel extremely guilty for and I guess that's why I'm minimizing what he did last night. I had a very traumatic childhood and have PTSD from it, which also clouds my judgement.

I still love him and want desperately to give our son a normal family, which is why I'm hesitant to go through with divorcing him. I feel like such an idiot.

I still love him and want desperately to give our son a normal family,

You don't have a normal family, you have a husband that abuses you and your son will think that is "normal" and become an abuser himself.

Protect yourself and your son.

I'll be honest with you, I've only had one man hit me, and I left him immediately and never returned. It's a one strike and he's out rule for me. I've been married for 35 years, and we've coped with all sorts of things, including his infidelity.. but he's never, and I mean never, put a hand on me in anger. This is something I do not believe is wise to tolerate, not even once.

Even if we set aside the fact that he thinks it's okay to physically intimidate you and then strike you, he drinks to inebriation, and he's actively looking for other women to cheat on you with. Yes, you fight a lot. But the fights are over him acting like a recalcitrant teen and treating you like your his jailer.

That's just no way to live. You could end up spending your whole life in this pattern and passing up any opportunity to find a more loving, supportive mate.

It's your call, of course. But at the very minimum, call the National Domestic Abuse hotline and arm yourself with more information...1−800−799−7233.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 1:03 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

Lp0725 -

I still love him and want desperately to give our son a normal family

How would you define a "normal" family?

I am not an expert on the subject, but, it doesn't sound to me as though you have a "normal" family dynamic now.

I know you guys are all right but I feel so frozen and paralyzed right now. I know he had no right to put his hands on me... I never thought he'd hit me and I'm still trying to process that this is the man I married. I feel like I'm dealing with Jekyll and Hyde here. As far as emotional and verbal abuse, I guess I didn't really see his yelling as abuse since he doesn't call me names or say cruel things to me, he's just very loud and irritable. I know he has bad anxiety but he has tried some medications for it and had bad side effects so stopped taking them. I keep asking him to go back to the doctor but he makes excuses about missing work.

I think maybe he really is hiding things as well since he got so aggressive and defensive. I know for a fact that he didn't have whatsapp on there before because I looked for it, but he's denying he downloaded it recently. But either way, obviously we have much bigger problems now than who he's talking to on whatsapp.

I spoke to him very briefly earlier because I need him to pick up the baby's medicine today, but other than that he hasn't said anything and this morning before he went to work he didn't apologize. I think he just hates me. It's like there's all this anger bubbling right below the surface, and he erupts at me over the slightest provocation.

Also, I do have access to online counseling through my job and I'm going to call after work today to schedule a session. I will also call the hotline to talk to one of their counselors.

I'm sorry you had to go through this awful situation. There are many social services in your areas that can help if you are in the United States. Use them!!!!

Bigheart

He’s back. You agree to reconcile. You ask questions. He makes no effort to try to make amends or help you heal. He is basically just living there.

You argue b/c you question things. He then charges you and grabs you and slaps you and verbally abuses you.

Reading it that way I think you realize he is not good for you.

His anger may have been b/c you know he is still cheating and he got caught and he doesn’t like it. Whatever it is, you should not stay in a home with someone who is physically abusive. I fear that may continue if he got away with it once.

NExt time call the police. Immediately. Do not wait.

This man is not "normal family" material. I'm so sorry.

He doesn't express remorse, which means if you were to stay with him, you could expect escalation to violence anytime you do not do as he commands or expects. If you don't derive his unspoken wants he will turn to abuse you given time.

Your best hope for your young son is to get out, with ZERO tolerance for violence. Yes, you used violence yourself. You got help. You got treatment. You don't excuse it. But you also don't tolerate it from someone else either. Zero tolerance. He's not sorry. He's not seeking treatment. He's entitled to abuse you in his mind.

This is not a candidate for recovery.

Please seek help, including from law enforcement now. Otherwise, you will be fighting a disadvantage from an abuser for custody.

You need to contact a lawyer and start the process of filing. You can't allow his bullying and intimidation to effect your decision.

He freaked out when you looked at his phone because he's hiding something.

He denied knowing what WhatsApp is. I'm calling bullshit on that. It doesn't install itself. He knows exactly what it is, and he's using it to cover his tracks. You might want to look for Kik or any other chat app that's popular with cheaters.

He needs to be gone from the house sooner rather than later. You don't want to put yourself or your children in jeopardy when he snaps again. Just get him out. Contacting an attorney can assist with that.

Also, I would recommend contacting the police. There's probably no physical evidence, but you need to make sure there's documentation of him cornering you and hitting you. Any man who raises a hand to a woman is worthy of an ass whooping by someone his own size.

Go file an order of protection for you and your children.

You didn't allow his verbal abuse to get the reaction he wanted, and he escalated to trapping you like an animal and then hitting you. He did it once, he will do it again. Your children need a mother. Do NOT allow him to do this again.

Do you remember hearing stories about abused women and wondering why they didn't do something about it?

This is why.

I'm not saying you have to divorce but what you must so is prevent further abuse, for your sake and your children's sakes. And actually, for his sake.

Has he been drinking and/or using any type of drug?

One you're safe from abuse, then you can start to heal.

And once you heal some, you can then think about your marriage and what you want to do about it.

That's my 2¢ worth.

Hang in there and keep posting and getting support here. The people here are very knowledgeable and can help you a lot.