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What was the final straw that broke the camel's back for you? Was it that you just couldn't stop thinking of the betrayal? Did your WS change and you weren't sure you liked the new version? I'm having sooo many thoughts and am unsure that I want to continue. What's it like on the other side after D?

You grieve some for the M, just like during DDay and after you grieve for the person that you thought your WS was.

I'm now something like 10-15 years out from my D to xWW (I honestly forget what year it was, meh). The grieving process is long over for me.

Life is good! Better than walking on eggshells, the constant fighting, the (false) ultimatums, the lies...

Was I sad for awhile? Yes. Did I do the "date too early" thing? Yes, again.

OTOH, I now have a 401k with a few bucks in it. I have a checking account with a few bucks in it. I can actually afford to buy things that I need. I can actually go out with mentally healthy folks.

I'm allowed to have friends again!

My first divorce - when I walked in on him, his secretary AND her hubby naked and bumping uglies.

My second divorce - when he hit me and pulled a gun on me, 3 months after we said I do. I'd have annulled but he stole so much from me and my parents, ran my credit in the dirt etc that the only way I could make him pay was to have it in the divorce decree. As it was....his Mom paid us back.

My Current FWS - the straw would be if I ever caught him in an affair again - EA or PA.

Thanks, devotedman. I'd like to get to Tuesday and meh, but first I have to finish pick me dancing and wreckonciliation (no soliciting) so I know that I'm doing the best I can. Hallelujah for mentally healthy friends! I wish you the best.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:13 AM, May 9th (Thursday)]

MamaDragon- it sure sounds like he knew what might be coming. Thanks! ((((HUGS)))) to you.

For me, it was when I called home (from out of town traveling for work), asked my son to speak to his mom and was told that she had to drive her friend home. "He spent the night". It wasn't the first A. When she finally would answer the phone and speak to me, I asked what were we doing this for? I told her when I came home I didn't want her sleeping in MY BED anymore and she could sleep in our daughters room until she found somewhere else.

Once I made the decision, it was actually much easier. No reason to stress over how things were going badly, no more wondering if she was with someone else.

Definitely still some hard times thinking about the end of the M, and how it would affect kids, but day by day, it became easier.

Mine, wasn't the straw, but an A-hah moment. Her best friend told me that I should leave her. Her very own best friend, whom I was friends with told me she was crazy, and lost her mind. There was no use waiting on her. It was about 2 months from D-Day, when I took control back of my life and went 180, NC and pursued a better life for me and my children.

The straws, theres too many to count. What I do know is that after my conversation with her best friend, she continued to behave like a wicked homewrecker, the lies, the shadiness it really solidified my decision and I knew it was time. We are fully Divorced, and she is as selfish as ever. Glad I'm not around to have to deal with that.

Amen! Tigersrule and HalfTime!

For me, it wasn't the cheating. It was STBXWH's continuing abusiveness. His cheating was just one small part of his abusiveness. I had married what I knew in marrying him because I came from an extremely abusive family.

I spent years getting strong enough to stand up to both my family and to my abusive STBXWH. I knew that once I stood up to my family, STBXWH would show his ass and vice versa. True to form, I ended contact with my abusive mother and STBXWH was right back to attempting to gas light me with outrageous lies into not trusting my memory or my ability to decide what was happening around me within a matter of minutes.

Once he did that, I had enough and told him that I wanted a divorce. To be blunt about it, I didn't know that his lies over denying that he hushed me would be the straw that broke the camel's back. I was fully expecting myself to fall for his love bombing, his empty promises, and his attempts to hoover me back. In his attempts to hoover me into staying with him, he cycled through every single excuse, justification, sob story, pity routine, and empty promise that he had in his arsenal. I had already heard them hundreds of times by that point in our 23 year marriage.

It was then that I realized that there was nothing that he could do or say that would ever make me want to be in a relationship with him ever again. Even if he were to deliver on every promise that he had failed to deliver on and became the man that he claimed to want to be, I was done. I would be happy for him and his next relationship if he ever managed to pull any of it off, but I was done when I knew that nothing could be worse than allowing him to stay in my life in any capacity. Being alone was far better than being with him because at least I wouldn't have him around to gas light me to no end.

My divorce is going to be final tomorrow. I have to say that there are hard time, but I am excited and hopeful about life and what the future might hold. I was worried that I would be lonely or that I wouldn't be able to get certain things done around the house without him, but I was so wrong. Even all by myself, I feel less alone and less lonely than I ever did with STBXWH here everyday. And I am able to get things done around the house much better than when he was around. He truly drained the energy and joy right out of me with all of his selfishness, abusiveness, and non-stop drama. I wake up feeling rested for a change and my energy levels are improving. I like not having to argue with STBXWH about every little thing or to have him spend hours criticizing me, bossing me around, or tearing me down over some obscure imperfection that he can no longer stand or tolerate. Good riddance.

F1

"wreckonciliation"

My "straw" was when he blamed me for Hurricane Irma. I'm not kidding. He called me the c word because I was out of town, and ended up stranded, when Irma a turned toward our town.

I left him the day after I got home.

That's what it took. THAT level of crazy. Thank God for that hurricane. She saved my life and sanity.

Over the five months I stayed with him after d-day, he grew increasingly more volatile and verbally/emotionally abusive. The last straw came when we were having an argument and he tried to defend his actions with “everyone cheats! It’s not a big deal!” In that cold, detached way that narcissists defend their actions - like you’re the crazy one.

I got up to walk away from him and he grabbed my arm. I demanded he let go and he told me “I’ll touch you when and how I want.” I remember that moment clear as day, from his cold, dead eyes to his grip on my arm. I knew then it was over and if I stayed the abuse was only going to escalate.

She told me that she could not be there for me until I was in a better place. I made her feel too badly about herself. Narcissist much?

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 5:19 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

She had no remorse. Was incredibly mean before I found out about her boyfriend. After me discorvering her affair, it was a weird mix of shame and defiance.

"Since when is this going on?"

"That's none of your business."

Divorce was my only option out of that mess.

For me, the straw that broke the camel's back wasn't just or only ex's years of serial cheating but then for whatever reason(s), it seemed to settle down but then xh met, pursued & began fucking the [then]equally married ow.

It felt like our marriage was beginning to recover & for the longest time it felt like we actually had a chance to if not begin anew at least with no drama or bs hanging over our heads.

After the deaths of a couple loved ones as well as a serious downturn in finances, we moved & somewhere between all this, Wh found the ways, means & ability to meet, furtively & repeatedly fuck...& began secretly & actively pursuing a completely separate life with the ow that wh would eventually & ultimately abandon me for.

After the initial shock & a couple tear soaked weeks, I began pulling myself together:

I did a little internet homework. Consulted with two different family law attorneys. Spent a couple afternoons in the courthouse law library. Another final consult with attorney then begin the not fun process of serving stbx with papers.

A hard but fair & very professional judge granted me my divorce around 9 1/2 weeks later.

Point blank, xh destroyed our marriage for a woman barely a couple years older than his oldest adult daughter(from his 1st marriage).

Xh destroyed our marriage for a troll who easily outweighed me by 150 lbs. Had boyish chopped Raggedy Ann red hair. A trashy ever present septum piercing. Flimsy wannabe trendy but obviously cheap clothing. And as I was to learn a couple years after divorce, a several years long meth habit with all the ugliness that entails.

I have scads of posts about xh & this vile ow.

So here in this post I'll spare everyone the gory details.

I remarried four yrs after a failed post divorce relationship & a little over two solid years of neither dating nor even hooking up.

My husband & I've known each other since our late teens & believe me, *he absolutely knows* that if he does cheats &or is stupid enough to knock another woman up while still very much married to me that I will not, repeat, WILL NOT fight for neither him, us or our marriage.

Instead I will quickly quietly consult with the divorce attorney that gave me the best advice & advocacy & I WILL take both whatever belongs to me AND whatever financially & house-wise I'm allowed by law. And then I. WILL. LEAVE. As in quietly AND PERMANENTLY.

I'll be fifty in a couple years.

I'm too old mentally & emotionally to go through Round Two.

I too have since learned, albeit painfully, that it really is okay to say "NO" as well as "Fuck this nonsense I'M OUT OF HERE"

That one way or another, I *can* get out of infidelity hell AND live a life 100% of such drama.

My husband knows that should I EVER discover &or experience ANYTHING approaching what I experienced the last four or so years of my former marriage that he can forget he ever looked at, knew or loved me. PERIOD

When I was holding my 3 month old daughter after a particularly horrible fight and looking at her, thinking I would rip someone limb from limb if they treated her like he treated me.

That if I didn't leave, she would grow up thinking this was normal.

And how orange is not my color.

Not only did she deserve better, but so did I.

No regrets. I met and married a wonderful man and we showed her what a mostly-healthy relationship looks like. No one is perfect, but I know that we did a good job of raising her in a good environment. Better than my childhood and definitely better than if I had stayed with my ex.

When he walked out on his children, I mean who does that to their own children— all for a piece of ass from a slut who’s first

H murdered her bf then killed himself?

I knew he would do it over and over again if he didn’t get serious help. I realized I was not qualified to help him!

I think the last straw is when you finally decide no marriage or relationship is worth the hell you are in. At that moment.

We were married for 18 years on DDay and I was terrified of D. My now Ex begged to stay. We went to MC, I went into IC and he refused. After I found SI a few months later I issued a list of boundaries and consequences that included no more lying, no more contact with the OW and no further affairs would be tolerated. And if those conditions were violated, I would divorce him.

Thirteen months after Dday, I ran a Dr. Fone scan on his phone in the hopes of shaking my paranoia that he had undisclosed contact with the OW and to reaffirm that I was in a much better "place." Instead, what I saw was that they had continued contact albeit "platonically" and had even met for a drink at a work-related social sporting event. I had asked him repeatedly, daily for a year, if he had heard from her and each time he directly looked into my eyes, swore that he hadn't, swore on the children's lives that he hadn't and I knew that I was finished with the marriage.

So, I went upstairs, woke him up at 1 am, kicked him out of the house and bagged he clothes in hefty bags dragged them down the stairs and threw them out the front door. And that was that. It was the absolute clarity that the M would never get better for me, that my H was never going to do "the work," and that my feelings and needs were completely disregarded that released me. The truth does set you free. It did for me.

Hugs and love to all of you. I feel so badly for so many, including myself, but I guess that straw hasn't appeared yet. I get so confused as our situation is a bit different. All of your stories and kindnesses help so much, it's just difficult to get unstuck. I think I'm getting close to a decision and you all really make me think. This stuff truly does SUCK!

Four years of cheating definitely put me on the fence. The continued contact with AP during our counselling definitely broke the camel's back. Honestly, how does anyone move forward from a false R?