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Always a "funny" comment to put somebody down. And there was always something wrong (according to my XH and DS) with the person who didn't find it funny.

This is my husband to a T. When people get sick of it and distance themselves he makes it as if something is wrong with them.

His answer? Because they weren't that 'close' to him. That he did His answer? Because they weren't that 'close' to him. That he did it to me because I was the 'closest' (whatever that really means) and that he was simply taking out his frustrations on me and shouldn't have.

As sick as this is, there is much truth in this. I think it's an honest statement. "You always hurt the ones you love" as they say. Though a narcissists version of love is deeply twisted. Lucky girl! Don't you know you are the one who gets to see the real deal? The true self without the mask? All the bullshit he spews at you he knows he wouldn't get away with elsewhere.

I had an exboyfriend that used to do that. He was/is a classic narcissist. I honestly think it’s a control thing. It’s abuse meant to erode your self esteem, weaken you, keep you thinking you’re lucky that’s ‘they’ will put up with you, with all your ‘stupid little flaws’..

So nasty. Never funny. Never a joke.

Glad you’re calling him out on this. He needs to get to the root of why he felt that abusing his wife in this way was ok. He can’t just use the ‘they were jokes’ and ‘I didn’t get that you were hurting’ card. He needs to dig really deep. There is a real lack of empathy if what he’s saying is true.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 2:42 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]

Yes, classic narcissistic abuse. I hope he can change it now he understands the pathology behind it.

To help him see how habitualised it is, perhaps keep a jar/ box - like a swear box - into which something, money, tokens, or whatever is put every time it happens, and then see how quickly they accumulate.

It’s death by a thousand cuts - each one seemingly not so harmful (but still harmful), but accumulated and aggregated en masse amounting to a significant picture of an abusive relationship. At that point, if there seems to be no real change...

I am revolted by his jokes. What on earth is he like angry - he is cruel when he is joking.

These are abusive words. The fact he doesn’t see that, or isnt open to considering you feelings is concerning.

He needs counselling

I don’t know if you are married but I can’t imagine how you feel Having to deal with this.

I am sorry you have to deal with this behaviour.

It is a pet peeve of mine when someone delivers a hurtful comment and when received with a response of hurt or anger they wave it off claiming they were only joking.

That's the cowards way out. It's dismissive and disrespectful. One of the things I was taught growing up was to think before you speak. Unfortunately in this day and age when people have awfully big mouths behind a keyboard it transfers to everyday life.

So true. ^^^^

I too got the "under the breathe" snarky comment. Or when I would question him on something really mean he would always say "Geez, I was just joking."

I too began to hate that phrase. Every single time.

You are right, it is no joke. They mean it but try to cover up their abuse by using this phrase.

Its not love either, don't let him tell you he loves you after he has verbally abused you. Its not love. And its not how you should be treated.

A joke is supposed to be funny (or at least attempt to be).

What it's not supposed to be is to belittle or degrade someone. Especially someone you claim to love.

How ironic that these PRICKS who do this crap would never do it to someone who could beat the living shit out of them.

You always have to look at what is the reason for the behavior. He is getting something out of it. You have to look for it. Usually it comes from childhood where the family was too dangerous or too toxic to the child and so they never let themselves form a real deep attachment. What he is doing is pushing you away emotionally because it feels too dangerous for him to trust your love. He can’t allow himself to feel a deeper attachment to you or to trust you because no one in his childhood was trustworthy. If you are going to stay with him you are going to have to accept that he is not able to feel close to anyone. It feels dangerous to him. The only way he is ever going to get past that is through very intense therapy and even that might not ever make him be completely comfortable genuinely loving someone. In infancy trust is built by having a very dependable person looking after you. If that doesn’t happen the baby cannot form a deep bond.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 12:36 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]

All the bullshit he spews at you he knows he wouldn't get away with elsewhere.

That's why he did it to you and not others. You were safe. It's the same idea as children who are little Angel's in public and devil's at home. They know they are safe at home.

"....but he never meant to hurt me...."

Intent is irrelevant. The but I never meant to....is the biggest load of gaslight deflecting crap ever.

6 weeks before D-Day he made fun of a skin cancer spot (on my face) that had just suddenly appeared and I have a very visual career. He said I was being “overly sensitive”. I was so extremely hurt by his insensitivity that I ran to the Master Bedroom and cried myself to sleep. I was having my biopsy the very next morning and was scared to death that my biopsy would come back malignant but thankfully it did not and I was able to see both of our kids graduate from college in 2012 & 2013.

As if that wasn’t enough of a “joke” for him, after D-Day I found on his iPod Touch (in his texting cheater app) where he had sent his Bitch a text (literally within 5 minutes of me running to the Master bedroom crying) saying “Hey IM me later “she” is on the rampage about nothing again”. NOTHING?? NOTHING?? Last time I checked, any type of cancer diagnosis is not considered "nothing" to a normal person. Plus, I wasn't on a rampage I was terrified and just wanted some compassion and caring by my own H BUT of course the WS just has to make stuff up to get ego kibbles from the OW about how mistreated he is treated at home by his "mean' W.

When I showed him the text that he'd sent her talking like that about me while I was going through a terrifying health scare he just flippantly said “I was just joking and trying to lighten up the mood cuz you were overreacting to nothing”.

Now,7 1/2 years later just typing this very hurtful story makes me cry.

So, he actually wonders why I ask him "why can't he take a "joke" and stop “overreacting” to his Parkinson’s Disease diagnosis and all of his medical issues that are increasing day by day"???

Tallgirl Those jokes were him being angry, or the times he'd just scream at me that, "I was just like his sister!" whenever I'd ask what was wrong, or get pissed off that I interrupted his video games by calling him for dinner (that I cooked and he didn't lift a finger to help with). Or, he'd sit on the sofa, arms crossed, and literally pout.

Booyah - yeah, he never did it to someone who was larger than him, that's for sure. Except I'm now larger in spunk and word. I can speak fluent sarcasm and since this whole thing has blown up, I've fired back at him. "Hey, Clueless!" Or, "You can remember this, right? We all know how you can't remember things." <--- this, because he insists he didn't know that dating was cheating and didn't know until it was too late that he 'might be doing something wrong' and that's why he lied. Also: "Wow. I smelled smoke there for a minute. Didn't mean to make the hamster work so hard." Friend: So what IS your husband's type? Me: Desperate, right hon? And when he looks at me all hurt, I tell him I was just being funny. He says he 'gets it' but I'm just being vindictive and that he still didn't CONSCIOUSLY say these things to be mean. Upon which I reply, "Vindictive? I'm just going along with your sense of humor. But yes. At least I have a conscience." Hey, word play.

Cooley - yes, he was getting something out of it. Narcs devalue. And it's also typical cheater behavior. They have to degrade and devalue the BS in order to feel better about themselves. Also, his father was emotionally abusive.

All - While the MC hasn't come right out and said WH is a narcissist, he has repeatedly told him that he was immature, abusive, and exceedingly self-absorbed. WH ticks off 5 of the traits for covert narcissism, passive-aggressive degrading by 'humor' being a major red flag. Gaslighting, another.

As you've seen this isn't good or right.

Now ask yourself why you put up with it?

No one can keep you where you are but you.

Also if I don't feel like being a gray rock I say this when my WS thinks he's funny...

"Do you see me laughing Mother F**ker?"

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:44 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

My husband's whole family is that way - we determined in his IC that it is a defensive mechanism to tear someone else down before they do it to you.

It took my husband a while before I broke him of 'mean' teasing. I turned it against him, every time he'd say something like for instance, I play the piano - he'd go "oh she thinks she is Bach but chopsticks is child's play" so one day I stood up from the piano and said "Ok genius, YOU PLAY something. Come on, we are all waiting to be mesmerized by your brilliance!" It still hurt though.

It really wasn't until he saw how his Father teasing our children to understand that teasing in this manner is detrimental to someone for him to stop. Once he saw the devastation of our kids, he full on stopped and started exploring it with his IC.

I *hate* learned behavior. FYI, Hubby put a stop to anyone in his family teasing us in any manner that is hurtful too btw. So there is hope for folks that do this. I think they have to want to change though.

Hee hee next time your hubby calls you Grace, somehow manage to gracefully break something of his. (don't really but it would be something I'd probably do nowdays)

As you've seen this isn't good or right.

Now ask yourself why you put up with it?

No one can keep you where you are but you.

He's promised he won't do it anymore. Apologized, but halfheartedly in that he sees from 'my viewpoint that it wasn't funny, even though that was his intent.' And that, 'he doesn't like it when I say mean things disguised as jokes.'

It's bull. He intended it and knows it. Why repeatedly say the SAME thing over and over when you know how the 'joke' was received countless times and explained WHY it wasn't funny? Because he wanted a fight or he wanted an excuse to continue screwing me over. Cruel joke? Nah! She's just off the rails again! I can't say anything to her. Now, OW? She isn't 'moody.'

I don't take it anymore. He's one cross comment from curbside pickup. And he knows the gloves are off and I'll chew him up and spit him out if he does it again. But he still needs to come to terms that he was not kidding. He was intentionally devaluing. Unless he's really going for that Clueless defense. Again.