SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I really thought we were solid and we would keep our vows and be loyal to one another. I had my second child and noticed a change in our marriage. He was more distance, he would always be on his phone. At times i was lonely even in his presence. He never cared to ask about my day how the kids have been he just didnt care. Then the love that was there started to slowly to disappear. Stupidly i just put it to stress at work his evening college. Then the day happened, we were bathing our kids and he went down to get their milk. My daughter was playing with his Apple watch i have never felt the need to through his messages but something pushed me. I found messages from a work colleague but cleverly he had deleted that text history all i saw was her talking about being at a concert and saying ‘know that I miss u xxxx’ he messaged back saying miss u 2 x. I knew something wasnt right between us and the dots started connecting. When i confronted him his fave said it all. I believe him when he has said it was just emotional. I have spoken to the girl who was on her high horse belittling me for thinking there was a physical affair going on. I do believe it was an emotional affair but dont feel like ive been given all the details. Im so confused as ive known him since i waa 16 yrs old now 33. He was my best friend and i cant believe the betrayal. He would talk to her most days after work, on his way from college, when me and the kids went away. Evenings when he was out or downstairs he would be contacting her confiding in her. I just cant get my head around the betrayal who does that to someone they love. I was beggijg for his love affection attention but he dismissed my needs and instead gave it all to this other woman. I am utterly heartbroken i dont know if i can trust him with my heart again. I never would have thought he would have done this in a million years yet here i am. This has just broken me my self confidence my worth my everything. I just dont believe a word he says im always angry at him and i dont know if i can move forward. We are still living together and its amicable but i know im not my usual self. Hes doing everything to put the pieces together i see the effort but i just cant let it go it jus plays constantly again and again in my head. I just have this rage im left with and i just want to destruct him. We have been going therapy and it is helping but i dont know if i can move on i want to but my head just wont let me.

In my opinion emotional affairs are more destructive than physical ones. You can have sex with a stranger but emotionally someone comes to mean so much to you that you prefer their company to the person you’re married to. What does he say? Is he remorseful? There’s a big difference between regret and remorse. Give yourself some time. There are people here who can reconcile and go on with life and others who say no thank you and goodbye. You choose. It’s your life.

I don’t know how recent the discovery was for you. All I know is that it takes time. Time to heal. Time to process. Time to forgive. Time to move forward. Time to see he is remorseful and putting you and the marriage first.

I suggest getting some counseling for you. Someone to support you so you have a person you can go to and vent.

You can recover. But it takes commitment and effort and patience. And time.

We're very sorry this happened to you. This kind of thing happened to all of us here. We've ALL been through something like this and know how you feel, what has happened to your trust and how you're reeling.

Read some of the other posts, etc., to get what others have said. You'll definitely be on the emotional rollercoaster of anger, emptiness, depression, anxiety, restlessness, jealousy. We ALL go through this.

Don't be so sure that this was just an emotional affair. These cheaters not only cheat, they are also liars and are very deceitful. It sounds like this was at least a strong EA. Those can be tough to break up.

Demand you find out more about this OW and if she's married. If so, out her and the A will likely be over. Either that or they're both ready to walk out on both of you.

I strongly suspect there's sex involved. You may have to threaten him with a polygraph or something.

Good luck, keep posting. The knowledge that these people have on this site on this kind of thing is amazing. We've all been there and we all really get it. No one is qualified to speak on any of this unless they've been through it. Unless they've been through it, they just don't know.

[This message edited by rugswept at 2:48 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

Cheaters lie a lot.

Plus you so want to believe because not to is to horrific to realize at this time that you will be in denial.

They work together so they have contact if it's an EA with contact it can easily be a sexual affair.

Up front he'll be in self preservation mode.

And as long as they work together have contact the affair will probably continue.

I doubt very seriously you have the truth yet. Keep digging.

No chance for Reconcilliation if you don't know what you're trying to reconcile to. Plus you could be in for more. Happens all the time.

Wake up!!!!!

One other thing. If you're smart you'll find out if you H's girlfriend is married and inform her husband.

Without Warning!!!

Helping them hide their affair may enable it.

If it dies continue they'll be hiding it better.

Just because you found out doesn't mean it'll stop.

Better read up. Right now you're in shock and dazed.

I hope you aren't in for a ruder awakening but it sure smells like it.

So sorry for what you are going through but I'm glad you have found SI.

You should not tell your wayward husband about this site as it can be your safe place to vent and receive advice helping you navigate this difficult period and avoid pitfalls. I strongly recommend you use a private or incognito window and delete any SI browsing history.

Coworker affairs are very difficult to kill. Because they see each other on a daily basis there is tendency for the A to revive or to go underground. To truly kill the A, generally one person will need to change employment. I doubt that your marriage will be able to heal from this unless all contact is terminated.

Because of the strong reaction of denial from the OW I'm guessing that she is either married or in a supposedly committed relationship and is afraid you will expose the A. Exposing the A to the other betrayed partner is one of the surest ways to truly kill an A. It enlists another set of eyes to see that the A ends and doesn't revive. It can put pressure on the OW to find employment elsewhere and can send her scrambling to save her own relationship.

Hi, I feel like I always reply to posts like yours with the same response but it is because my story has similiarities to your.

Very gently please don't believe that it was "only" and emotional affair.

In Jan 2018 my husband finally confessed to a year long emotional affair with one incident of online sexual contact via Facebook messenger. The AP was a co-worker.

He denied swapping photos etc and all physical contact except "I gave her a hug one day when she was upset."

I believed my husband was not the kind of person who would physically cheat on me and he hadn't, I believed, had much opportunity.

In April 2018 I finally got 95% of the truth that included

A 2 year physical and emotional affair. 4 nights in a hotel together. Regular physical contact (blow jobs and hand jobs) in a store cupboardat work and a whole raft of photos/videos/audio clips exchanged alongside online /telephone sex sessions.

The man I thought would never physically cheat on me not only did but risked his whole career and reputation at work (I still can't get my head around this as his professionalism was always so important to him.)

Cheaters lie and actually the response you got from the AP makes me think there is definitely more. They will take it underground if you don't act. My WH maintained contact (albeit reduced) between him claiming they had gone nc in Jan until April. It only came to an end when I threw him out of house and told him I would be divorcing him. The realisation that he was about to lose me and his children ended his affair instantly (on his part at least - she is still desperately trying).

Please don't let him lie and gaslight you. Stay aware and check regularly (I didn't because I still wanted to trust him ).

And most importantly remember you deserve so much better - that could be you moving on to a more worthy man or him working his arse off to become the man you are worthy of

I would be absolutely gutted if it was a physcial affair and that would definitely be the end of us. When it happened i threw him out of the house and told him we were having a divorce. I moved him back in to show me how he can change and be the man i need him to be. Hes been very remorseful and making so much of an effort with me and the kids. I did find the other woman being very defensive and i found it really strange she asked me numerous times if i wanted to meet up. To be honest i dont know if i could keep my hands off her so i said is there anything your not telling me. She said no i have told you everything we were just friends and i have lots of friends who are male friends that i talk to. When i did speak to her she mentioned she was leaving as the job was too stressful, ive also spoke to my husband to find another job too. I just dont know if i can ever truely love this man, i sometimes look at him like do i even know him what was the last 17 years. I have my own childhood issues with my father leaving me when i was 2 so rejection really takes me to a dark place and a reminder im not good enough. I dont want what we had because i realise i lost myself raising our kids and threw myself into mother and wife. Now i do alot more for myself going out, socialising, activities (hopefully will start gym). My hearts just broken and i really cant see if it will heal.

Hi, welcome to SI.

I suggest you ask him to take a polygraph.

These are two adults, not highschoolers.

If they worked together every day, when there's a will there's a way. More than likely it was a physical affair as well. Cheaters lie and deny and basically will only admit to what YOU have evidence of.

Do you actually think his affair partner would tell you the truth?

Do they still work together? If so, he should start sending out his resume today.

A huge hug to you.

I'm sorry that you're here, like others said, the chances this was just an EA are very very low, if they are in close proximity, adults involved in an A typically have sex and lots of it, they're already cheating so why not enjoy the new and exciting sex ? we have seen this play out thousands of times and I don't even recall a case of COW A where it was just an EA, they are not teenagers. Workplace As are notorious for "lunch quickies" and BJ's and makeout sessions in the car, motels, etc. Tell him he's got 30 seconds to show you his phone and that you're going to run a deleted text recovery app like Fonelab and that he's got one last chance to come clean, you may also schedule a polygraph. Demand he gets tested for STDs (you should too), it sends a message, plus he's now a proven cheater and a liar and this may not be his first rodeo.

the one thing about WS affairs is that they lie.

If the AP and your WS was in close proximity to one another, there is a very good chance it was more than just an EA. Please be prepared.

Has an NC letter/email been sent to this AP?

What has your WS done to help you out?

*hugs*

Welcome Linonessgirl

You are starting to heal yourself, but you are a long way from healing your M.

What you are seeing is a start of an effort, but I am hesitant to call it Remorse. Regret feels a lot like remorse until you actually feel remorse.

Remorse is doing anything an everything you need to help you start to heal, and rebuild, and the first couple of those things for ANYONE that is dealing w/ infidelity is to establish No Contact w/ the AP, and to be completely transparent with everything, willing to answer and be truthful with any and all questions you have.

Like the others have suggested be prepared to learn more. Also understand that it isn't the physical act of sex, or the ongoing relationship with someone that typically kills a M, its the ongoing lies, and deception that do that.

If you are in MC (marriage counseling) please stop it and demand he get his ass into IC (individual counseling) because his choice to cheat had ZERO to do with you and who you are, or anything to do with the M. It absolutely has 100% to do with the fact that he is a broken person that needs to do a lot of self work to understand why and how it got to the point it did, and if he is unwilling to do any of that, your M is not worth saving.

Also do yourself a HUGE favor and let go of the outcome, let go of the desire/need to trust. Only a Crazy Person trusts a cheater, when they find out (ask me how I know.... I was that crazy person) All attempting to pretend to trust does is open you up for more heartache.

He needs to be completely transparent and honest with you. The very first and last rule to a successful recovery/reconciliation/rebuilding - is this. No more lies of any kinds EVER again. No white lies, No lies of omission, no other kinds of lies.... EVER.

Keep reading here. You will learn a lot and you will learn that you will survive this, and that you can be stronger than you ever could have imagined.