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I'm so sorry your son knows - it is pretty crushing and he is young. He needs his mom - it is hard to show up for them when you are hurting like this, but you can and you will.

If you find that crystal ball, please share.

Hugs

Actually, you DO have a crystal ball to happiness.

It is YOU.

When I first found SI folks would say stuff like that to me and I was in such hopeless pain and despair I couldn't grasp it. Thought whoever posted it was full of sh*t.

Slowly, I came to understand. One thing that helped was at my 1st visit with my current IC she said that my M was NOT my whole life. Said life is a pie and my M and my WH were ONLY SLICES of that pie. At the time I said- yeah, right, but they are HUGE slices. Now, I realize they really are ONLY slices of the pie of my life. And if I don't have them, I still have one heckuva pie.

The dreaded 4-letter word after dday is T-I-M-E. It DOES get better. But -and this part still mostly pisses me off- YOU have to be the one to start YOUR healing. Sucks? Big time. Unfair? You betcha. But nothing your WH does or says can heal you. He can help and be supportive, but as a BS, I believe we begin a new, separate, journey after dday. That does NOT mean D.

But it does mean that I focus on me and what's important to me. As much as I hate the gender stereotypes, I do believe this is more difficult for women (not bc we are women, but bc we are socialized to be caretakers).

We are all on our own timelines, but it does get better. Do what you can to detach your emotional self from your WH. It can be difficult - esp after a long marriage and YEARS of being joined at the hip, so to speak. But it helps me - A LOT. I don't have to spend my time worrying about my WH and how effed up he is. I can spend my time worrying about ME and how I'm going to grow from this.

Sending strength.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 1:42 AM, May 17th, 2019 (Friday)]

Actually, you DO have a crystal ball to happiness.

It is YOU.

This. 100% this.

Actually, you DO have a crystal ball to happiness.

It is YOU.

^^^ This is where I found my answer too

I'm going to agree with gmc94. Change your focus to you. And it takes time. I didn't make a lot of demands or ultimatums. You get to decide whether or not you want the marriage. And you also have the right to change your mind about the decision. Time, transparency, consistency.

Thank you!! I try so hard to focus on me but I’m too busy worrying about how he’s planning to stab me in the back.

Even though he is trying to prove to be a safe partner.

This stress is unbearable!!!

I hate this and I hate all he did to me and the kids. :(

Why??? I’ll never know why he did this to us!!

Want to be happy,

I can hear the pain in your post. I am so sorry you are going through this. I totally understand and can relate to what you are going through. Our DD asked WH the same thing, “ did you even think of is?” Our DS said something like “You did what I never thought you would do.”

It broke my WH’s heart even more, having to see what his selfish decisions were doing to the family he loves. Your WH is going to have to be accountable and deal with your sons anger.

It is truly heart breaking to see the effects it has on our children. It is unfair. I felt helpless as my family was crumbling. I couldn’t stop my pain and I couldn’t prevent the pain of my children. It is an awful feeling. Sadly, the kids are put on the saw awful roller coaster as we are. I am so sorry that your son is hurting.

You have been given a lot of great advice already. Breathe and focus on you and your son. He needs you. The only thing I can say is that watching my children experience the fall out from what WH has done made me very angry and extremely sad. I felt their lives were ruined. As a family we are loving each other through it. I see ways it has brought us closer. We are there for each other. It’s not easy and there are a lot of challenges but we are doing all we can to heal as a family. The kids are in IC counseling, we also do therapy as a family. We have a wonderful support system through our church family. We want to give them everything they need to help them through this.

It is terrible right now, hang in there. You are stronger than you know! Things can and will get better. I pray comfort peace and full healing to your family!

{{Hugs}}

I hear your hurt and anger. I understand it and I’ve felt it too (still do).

Try not to worry so much about how he’s gonna stab you in the back (yes, easier said than done - I get it). If he’s gonna do it, he’s gonna do it. You can’t control him (and we never can - it’s that illusion of control that allowed us to trust our spouses so completely - to the point they could use our own love and trust against us for their own selfish satisfaction). Using energy spinning your wheels about what stupid choices he may make is less energy for you to regain your footing, find your strength, build resilience, and heal.

Of course you hate what he did and how you and your children suffer the fallout. We all do.

DDay triggers a grieving process that is part of healing. Google those phases. They aren’t linear and you may feel you’ve “done” one only to circle back to the same place again . I remember feeling I had got thru bargaining (all the “if only....” stuff) and 6 months later discovered my self talk suddenly includes another round of “if only...”. That’s ok. It’s a process - you are processing a lot of info and pain and loss of the dreams you had for your M and your family.... coming to terms with even the basic fact that it REALLY happened is a very rough road.

Any time you are able to turn that into focus on you and how you want to walk again will help. Because whether you D or S or R- you still have to heal.