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I still don't have hard proof he's cheating but yesterday he told me he wanted to work on our relationship. Then he said "I'm just...I dont know what I am"

Today he was on his phone a lot. Every time I got within 10 feet of him his phone went in his pocket immediately. Then he'd leave the room, to finish the text I assume. I also realized today that he hasn't been plugging his phone into the car. My son loves a particular song but SO hasn't been letting him listen to it lately. Why? Text messages will show up on the screen if the phone is plugged in.

I bought a VAR but it won't be here until Tuesday. I'm so flipping tired. Why can't he just tell the truth?

Sweetie because they are cowards and liars. I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Sending you a thousand hugs.

When you see him act suspicious with his phone, could you just demand to see his phone?

Him being a WS, I feel like he should have given you full unrestricted access to his phone at any moment.

[This message edited by ReceivedChaos at 1:34 AM, May 26th (Sunday)]

So you are D from your H who cheated and had a child by the OW - if I understood your history.

And now you have a SO who is cheating.

I think you have enough proof he is cheating. But you are going to try to obtain additional proof.

What is your plan then? We you going to try to salvage the relationship?

My husband has been doing the same thing. Hiding his phone, it's so obvious!

What are you going to do with the info you get from the var?

I have just read 10's of thousands of text messages between my husband and OW.

I am still in shock and don't know what I'm going to do, is why I'm asking.

I'd like to try and salvage the relationship. We have to young sons and if we can save their family I'd like to.

He's completely denying an affair and gaslighting any suspicions I have. The info from the VAR would, at the very least, take that away from him.

To be honest, I don't know if I'll get any info from it. He's not one to talk on the phone and this is definitely a long distance thing. I'd check his phone but it's always on him and he refuses to give me the password.

Why do you remain in a relationship where transparency is refused? Even if he's not cheating, he's not respecting the relationship by providing transparency? Is this really the relationship you find acceptable? Especially after your past experience!!! Him refusing transparency would be a dealbreaker for me. Of course, I wouldn't bother asking to see his messages, I would just take his phone in front of him and read everything. Oh, it's password protected, give me the password right now. You refuse? By Felicia.

Seriously you dont need anymore proof than you already have. And you have more than enough to show you he doesnt respect you or your relationship.

PS "We" aren't saving the relationship, you are...single handedly. He's got his head up his ass. Honey, you cannot "save" a relationship if you are the only one trying. That's called rug sweeping.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:06 PM, May 26th (Sunday)]

Do you have access t his cell phone bill?

For me, not giving you the password and access to the phone is the ultimate answer and would be a deal-breaker. I agree with your VAR idea for the absolute proof if you feel you need it, but the refusal to give the phone truly is the answer along with a helping of zero respect for your relationship.

Could you tell him he has 5 seconds to hand you the phone and the password or your filing for D (assuming you're willing to take that step)?

Those damn cell phones!!

I confronted my X after seeing our online phone bill.

He said nothing. He left the house. When he came back, he had a new cell phone. On his own plan. And, there was no way in hell he was giving me his password.

That was the beginning to a very, relatively short D process.

“nd he refuses to give me the password.”

Why isn’t this a dealbreaker for you?

There was a time when I felt my Cheating Ass thought the same way about me. I've finally come to realize it's he thinks he is smart. He isn't, he is selfish, self absorbed, and so insecure he needs to have his ego fed. It's the same with most cheaters, it's about them.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to save your relationship but remember it takes BOTH partners to make it work.

Get your evidence together but also be lining up your ducks. Have a plan in place if he doesn't want to do the work.

Good luck to you.

You guys are right, of course. I have a consultation with a lawyer on Friday. Once I have an idea of my rights, I'm going to tell him my requirements for continuing the relationship. If he doesn't agree, I'll tell him that my lawyer will go ahead with filing.

I feel like right now keeping a low profile is on my side. He thinks I've let it go and he has no idea that I've contacted an attorney. I want my ducks in a row and I don't want to be blindsided.

If he doesn't agree, I'll tell him that my lawyer will go ahead with filing.

I'm so glad you've taken some steps to protect yourself. DO NOT tell him about the attorney. In fact, I wouldn't even drop the line about your attorney filing. If you're hoping it'll 'show him how serious you are', it won't. It won't scare him into changing either. It just gives him time to start planning.

Withholding info often feels weird for us because we're not like them. It's necessary though. Move like a ninja. Sorry this is happening to you.

My WH lied and lied and lied every time until I had affirmative proof of his behavior. I guess I'm lucky in that when he was caught he generally confessed and there has been minimal TT post-being caught. That being said your WS's behavior is clearly sketchy at best and likely evidence in and of itself of something affair related going on (there was one poster here when I first started reading who believed their WS was having an affair when observing similar behavior to what you describe and in reality they were buying drugs - I'm not suggesting that is what your WS is doing but either way it is a bunch of hidden lies and deceit). You have every reason to be suspicious.

My advice to you regarding how to catch a liar/cheater with a VAR is to: ACT NORMAL. Let them feel comfortable that you trust them and then use the VAR at a time they feel 100% positive that you will not be around. That is what I did and I busted him on the first try.

Trust your intuition.

It's good you are seeing a lawyer. Agree with hiddenMist to go ninja, even though it may feel contrary to the norm of being open and honest. You need to protect yourself and hold all your cards very close. See what the VAR reveals. When you do confront him, do not tell him how you got the information.

Practice good self-care and be extra kind to yourself. You are going through a lot.

Sounds like my WH. He used to not care about his phone then suddenly it was like it was chained to him. I was also suspicious but didn’t have proof. Finally I caught them meeting up and he couldn’t lie about it any more.

I wish I would have said something when I first started suspecting though. I think you should just straight up ask him.

He thinks your're dumb?

Well I think he's a flaming horse's patoot.

And he's pulling straight from the Cheater's Handbook.

He's insulting you as a form of manipulation to get you to shut the f**k up. If that doesn't work he'll try deflection, more insults, convince you that you are crazy, blah blah blah.

ETA - their manipulative temper tantrums can rival that of a toddler who needs a nap but wants a cookie.

Contact an attorney. Know your rights.

And...sadly...call your GYN/clinic and get tested.

And yes. Become a ninja sleuth. Gather evidence. Keep it safe and secure [more than 1 copy].

[This message edited by Chaos at 10:21 AM, May 29th (Wednesday)]