SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The phone is not on my plan. She bought it. It's a prepaid Walmart phone. I actually do not even have the phone. She threatened to have me arrested for possession of a stolen phone but what phone?

Also OM is apparently reporting me to IRS bc SO told him I don't pay my taxes lmao! OBS just txtd me and told me this. Like WOW!

Contact a lawyer and take care of your health.

Report you to the IRS? ha ha

It's an empty threat.

They are trying to bully you into no further disclosures (probably pictures and sexy texts) from the cell phone.

I suggest you stop contact with these people. They are toxic.

Do you recall the make and model of the cell phone?

She threatened to have me arrested for possession of a stolen phone

Also OM is apparently reporting me to IRS bc SO told him I don't pay my taxes lmao! OBS just txtd me and told me this. Like WOW!

Man! They are really flailing around wildly aren’t they? Sound desperate and freaked the fuck out don’t they? That’s an excellent sign. They are trying any crazy avenue they can to avoid the reality of the repercussions of their actions. And if they are worried about repercussions that tells you two things for sure. Reality is setting in and they both know that they fucked up and are in the wrong here.

After all, if everything is all hunky dorey and they didn’t do anything wrong then what’s the problem with putting it all out there for everyone to see? It’s an example of how twisted the thinking gets that they don’t even realize how much their panicked flailing makes it so blatantly transparent that they are guilty as hell.

Hold firm, you are in the right here,

HT

I feel like the only way to really clear my name and show I'm telling the truth is...

You know what the first thing I did when I suspected my WH was cheating? .....I dug through all his shit like I was wearing hip-waders. I got into his phone bills, his banking, his emails, his social media... everything. You're not the only set of eyes now. The OBS has access to the other side. If she's like most of us, she'll feel driven to find out whatever there is to know.

My point is, this isn't all on you to prove yourself. You told the truth. What other people do with that is up to them. And while it's true that some people willfully choose to close their eyes to it, most don't. You don't control any of that.

In the upper left hand corner, you'll find articles in "The Healing Library". It's time to 180. This will help you to detach emotionally. In a nutshell, you just start going on with your life. No arguing, no text wars, no unpleasantness. Your pat response if she corners you is "sorry you feel that way", but she gets set on the back burner to cool off. That can take a long time, and who know?.. maybe by the time she's ready to approach you as a human being, you might not want her any more. Maybe, she'll never be able to grow up enough to make that leap. Either way, all you will have lost is an unfaithful girlfriend. But if she is capable of change, sometimes it takes necessity to spur it on. You're moving on with your life. It's on her to catch up. Does that make sense to you?

Where is the phone now? Did you give it back to her? This is what I think you should do. If you still have the phone, you should go and give it to OBS. She has a much better chance of being able to get access to it since she has more leverage than you (they are married, have children, plus it sounds like he has no plans to leave his wife). Then you block this bitch and her scummy boss every way possible. Do you two live together? You said she was staying at her mom's, so I'm assuming you lived together previously but the place is yours so she was the one who moved out. If I'm right, then pack up all the rest of her shit and tell her to send someone to pick it up. If she tries to harass you, get a restraining order. Just walk away from her forever. She's a nasty disgusting person and you are lucky you found that out before you two got married and had kids. You seriously dodged a bullet. I know this hurts like hell and your heart is shattered, but the pain will eventually go away and you will one day look back and be so relieved you were able to walk away without any ties to her. Try to take care of yourself as much as possible.

LateNight please do the right thing and let this OM business partner know what's going on.

He has every right to know what his piece of shit business partner is doing behind his back and putting his company at major risk. If my business partner was doing this crap I would want (NEED) to know because it could potentially put the business, my employees, my family, and my financial situation in harm's way.

how do I quote others on here??

The OM is trickle truthing the OBS.

my SO left work today permanently according to what OBS has told me.

OBS told OM's business partner.

OM is trying to save marriage.

Father didnt believe me. OM said I was lieing. OBS has not talked to my SO father so I guess as of right now father still thinks im making all this up.

OBS sent me txts saying where OM confessed this time or that time that him and my SO slept together. I sent these screen shots to father to show where OM is confessing to wife and lieing to him.

however OM has been pushing for OBS to block me and has probably already succeeded im having SO father block me so I dont know if father even saw where OM confessed.

I have not talked to SO since yesterday when I posted about it.

I know people are telling to run and never look back, but this site is called surviving infidelity and I listened to everyones advice to expose as it sounded that was the only way to begin getting to R with my SO and moving foreward withbour lives.

If you guys and girls could keep the advice to helping me get to R with my SO i would really really appreciate it.

im holding it together. but only because i have hope, and faith, that me and my SO did have love in our relationship and that we can heal from this.

Your statement,

"constant resistance to my needs for transparency, communication, attention, validation etc. Sex was only good when I'd do what she wanted, it was never what I needed. bc of that Im sure I was terrible. There has been a constant vicious cycle of insecurity when it comes to sex."

Hit Home, in a bad way. At about your age, I went through my first divorce due to a cheating husband and we had kids.

It changed me forever, it changed our lives forever. Looking back, would I have done things differently? No, I would have left. The mind and games of the heart are to much and I would have constantly revictimized myself. Your young still, you have a lot of life left. I wont suggest leaving or staying, only you will come to your final decision. If you do leave, be careful of future relationships; I thought I was extremely careful with my now husband of 15 years only to find out I am basically in the same boat. Just now, Im old, financially tied and bound, and sick.Curious. Where did you find the burner?

The only way to possible R is the direction you’re going, away from her and her crazy.

The only reason to even consider R is if she comes crawling back pleading, and confesses to all involved what she has done...and gets therapy to fix herself.

That’s just the starting point.

BTW, surviving infidelity does not necessarily mean R, it can also mean D or the end of the relationship altogether.

It’s about getting out of infidelity no matter what it takes, and healing afterwards.

Dude you need to get away from this abusive ... well you can fill in the word.

She cheats on you with a married man. One that is twice her age so all she was was a piece of ass. So she expected you to let her go and screw other men and then thank her?

When she had a 7 month baby you stepped up and loved her. And she repays you by calling you a psycho? Cheaters suck and she has a lot of balls to blame you.

I am guessing you are financially supporting her while she cheats on you. You deserve better than this from her and you need counseling. You need to find out why you allow yourself to be treated like this.

Run for the hills from her. She is the psycho who screws old men. You can do much better.

Oh and great job exposing the Other Man! That was awesome! Go find yourself someone else who will treat you with respect.

LateNight:

1. You need to understand that she was not planning on getting back together with you. You stated that you thought that she was hoping that he would leave his wife. You are being strung along as plan B. Your hope that she would come back was a fantasy.

2. Her statement that you ruined a 7 year old's life is not the truth. She ruined her 7 year old's life with a man that loved him as his own.

3. Your hope that what you had was real love has been proved wrong by her actions.

4. Her rage at you is because you ruined her plans. Believe nothing else that she says.

5. You have been given excellent advice here on getting out of and surviving infidelity. No one can tell how to save a relationship when one of you is not IN THE RELATIONSHIP. There is no magic pill that can make her love you.

6. She wanted the rich man's wife's life. You KNOW this.

7. She is trying to blame it all on you. What you do is show her that you are willing to walk away from this relationship like a MAN! She is the one losing everything. No lover. No SO. No job. No father for her son. All from her own deceitful actions.

8. We know you are hurting. We cannot take that away. All we can do is say that we have been there and try to give you the strength to face the truth.

9. Women respect Strength, Courage, and Decisive Action. You have started showing that. She is a little girl with Daddy issues, hence the attraction to the OM.

10. You can man up, keep your dignity, & face her lies for what they are, or you can blame the people here and beg for her forgiveness and do a pitiful "Pick Me Dance". If that is what you want then you should do it.

11. There is nothing that can be done to make her love you. That can only come from her getting real remorse.

[This message edited by skerzoid at 8:07 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

Yeah y'all are right.

So 180 and if she finds remorse she'll find a way to show me/let me know?

It’s all about YOU getting healthy, not wondering what she’ll do. I know it’s scary, but work on yourself and she may be there when you’re healthy and healed she may not. You’ll be ok either way.,

I know people are telling to run and never look back, but this site is called surviving infidelity and I listened to everyones advice to expose as it sounded that was the only way to begin getting to R with my SO and moving foreward withbour lives.

If you guys and girls could keep the advice to helping me get to R with my SO i would really really appreciate it

It’s pretty rare that I ever tell anyone to just run. But then again I don’t think I have ever told anyone to Reconcile either. My usual advice is for you to follow whatever course will best lead to the outcome you want.

That being said... it is important for you at this point to realize that what you want and what it is possible might end up being very different things. Right now your GF doesn’t seem open to R. That may change, it may not. Thing is you don’t have any real control over that. All you can really do is what you now have done, which is to make it crystal clear that you are unwilling to be in a three way relationship with her and OM.

You have basically knocked her off of the fence. You have forced her to stop cake eating and make a fucking choice already about wether she values having you in her life at all or not. She was content leaving you in limbo while she explored alternate life styles because she believed that you weren’t going anywhere and she would always have that safe place to land if shit went south. She held all the cards because she knew that you wanted this relationship badly enough that you would put up with her shitty behavior. It’s often said that, ironically, the person least invested in the relationship has all the power. And her investment lately must have been pretty low considering that she figured she had a plan B waiting in the wings.

But that dynamic is shifting now. You have shown her that you are unwilling to simply lay down and take it. You have shown her that the stakes are real. She is probably starting to realize, right now at this very moment that plan B of OM was never anything but a diaphanous fantasy, a fuckin mirage. And she is starting to realize that you aren’t such a guaranteed sure thing as a safe place after all.

It is possible that, as these new realizations begin to take hold and her fantasy life begins to dissolve, she is going to realize what a good thing she had with you and how badly she fucked up. And, should that happen, it’s possible that she is going to want to try and salvage the relationship with you. If that’s what you want then I sincerely hope that happens for you. I really mean that. And I believe that it is possible because it happened for me.

But understand that there are no guarantees of that. It could go either way man. And there is little else that you can do at this point to influence that. Right now it’s on her. She either pulls her head out of her ass and wakes up, or she bullheadedly sticks to her guns rather than admit to herself that she behaved atrociously. Only time will tell.

But I will tell you this much. Even if you get what you want. Even if she comes crawling back to you begging for a second chance? The trials ahead of you both will be far from over. They will have only just begun. And, even if she comes back to you begging for a second chance and you both really, really want it to work and you both really really try.... Even then, the odds of you guys making it work aren’t great.

I know that’s a bummer. But that’s the reality. And you need to keep that firmly in mind going forward.

The history of these boards is fucking riddled with BS that suffered years of painful R attempts, tolerating fucked up intolerable situations and years of false R, all in the vainglorious attempt to salvage something that simply could not be salvaged. So when you see people telling you to run understand where that is coming from. Understand that those people would save you the hurt and misery that could very likely be coming your way. It’s not bitterness, it’s concern for your well being.

And that concern only gets heightened when you insist that R is the only outcome you are interested in contemplating. That worries people because another common piece of wisdom here on SI is this one:

In order to save the relationship, you have to be willing to lose it.

That piece of advise is crucial precisely because of that power dynamic I wrote about earlier. Your GF needs to do a lot of introspection and make a whole lot of changes before she could ever be a safe partner for you again. And that introspection will be painful and those changes will be difficult. The only way that a wayward is willing to pay the price of making those changes is if the price of not making those changes is even higher. And in that particular transaction? You have only one lone currency:

Your continued presence in her life.

That’s it. That’s all the leverage your have. If she doesn’t value that? Well then there is nothing there to save anyway. But more importantly, if you aren’t willing to spend that currency? Well then she still holds all the cards my brother and she isn’t likely to change at all. You will be left with a woman that, in the final equation, will toss you aside like yesterday’s garbage as soon as things get hard or boring. That can’t be what you want out of life.

So, like I said, you have to be willing to lose this relationship if you want any chance at possibly saving it. And I don’t mean lip service either. No bluffing and macho blustering. You have got to fucking mean that shit. You have got to go forward from this point on with the realization that, even though your want this to workout, even though you want Reconciliation? If she can’t make the changes necessary to become a safe partner for you, you will walk the fuck away.

I know that is hard. It took me months of trickle truth, and lies and broken promises to get to that point. I wanted R so fucking badly that I kept giving her chance after chance. And on some level she could feel that I wanted it more than her so she kept on fighting not to really accept what she had done, lying and denying and playing the part of the remorseful WS. It wasn’t until the day that I finally snapped, the day I actually really fucking meant it when I told her I was done, meant it deep down in my bones... it wasn’t until that exact moment that things finally turned around.

And there is story after story here that goes pretty much the same way. You have to be ready willing and able to let it all go if you want any hope of saving it.

It’s tough man. One of the hardest things I had to figure out was that it was possible to want something with all my heart and still be able to let go of the outcome at the same time.. Those two things seem mutually exclusive but I assure you they are not.

Some thoughts to mull over as you wait for your GF to figure her shit out. Meantime, let me reiterate: read up on the 180, it’s your best friend right now.

Continue being strong and resolute brother,

HT

My SO recently called to say "fuck you. I hate you. I don't know why you made all this up good luck finding another girl that will put up with your shit. I wanted you I just needed space I didn't choose him I told you the truth but fuck you I'm done with you you destroyed my life like the shitty person you are and you destroyed a 7 year olds life I hope you feel better."

So... this is affair fog bullshit babble. Yes, it hurts and it's confusing, but you need to ignore her words and focus on reality. What your SO was really saying is, "fuck you. I hate you because you're making me face the consequences of MY shitty actions, and you won't just put up with it. I wanted you to keep waiting on the sidelines because deep, deep, deep, DEEP down I realize he will never choose me over his wife. I told you bits and pieces of the truth, but fuck you for not eating the shit sandwich I'm trying to feed you. MY ACTIONS have destroyed my life -- my relationship with you, with my parents, at work/my job, and I've put my seven year olds well-being at risk for some old man dick. I hate you because, (again) deep, deep, deep, DEEP down I know you're right but for whatever reason can't admit it, and it's easier to blame you."

I know people are telling to run and never look back, but this site is called surviving infidelity and I listened to everyones advice to expose as it sounded that was the only way to begin getting to R with my SO and moving foreward withbour lives.

Yes, many people will tell you to cut your losses because you're not legally married, but that doesn't make the relationship you had, both with her and her kid any less valid. Your feelings are real. Your relationship was real. And, IF your LTGF proves herself to be a good candidate for reconciliation, and you want to go ahead and do so, there's no shame in that.

Get yourself a copy of How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a short book, and it will show you what a remorseful spouse does/looks like.

If you guys and girls could keep the advice to helping me get to R with my SO i would really really appreciate it.

Here's the hard part. And again, it will seem counter intuitive, but keep in mind that a relationship CAN survive this -- an affair + anger, but a relationship can NOT survive if the affair is ongoing and/or your SO is unremorseful.

This is VERY hard for many BS's to hear/accept right off the bat: you cannot control your SO. There is NOTHING you can do to MAKE her feel remorse or want to become a better, safe partner that won't cheat again. The ONLY person you can control in this situation is yourself. So... you need to be willing to lose your relationship if you want any chance of saving it.

Again, we KNOW this isn't what you want. If it was up to you (and most of us would have probably said the same thing in the beginning), your SO would be begging for forgiveness and doing everything in her power to become a safe partner for you.

So... what can you do? You can work on going no contact with her for now. This serves several purposes -- you don't listen to any of her affair fog angry bullshit, because it's not going to make any sense right now, and it's just going to make you feel like shit.

It shows her that if she wants to reconcile that you understand how difficult no contact can be, AND that you require her to have no (zero, zip, zilch, nada) contact with the OM for you to consider reconciling with her.

No contact with YOU also gives her a taste of reality. What her life is like without you in it, and without her thinking you're willing to wait around and plan B. You NEED her to think she's lost you forever, because if she doesn't think that and want you back, then she's not going to do everything in her power to make it happen. She's gonna think that she can treat you like shit and you just love her SOOO much that you're willing to wait around and let her.

It also gives YOU time and space to work on healing from this and figuring out what you want in life and if you really want to stay with someone that has treated you so poorly. (Again, no judgment. I'm still with my WH.)

im holding it together. but only because i have hope, and faith, that me and my SO did have love in our relationship and that we can heal from this.

Another good book to pickup is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It will help you to see why this happened, and what to do going forward. Also, please find a therapist that specializes in infidelity and/or trauma. I think something like 70% of betrayed spouses/partners show signs and symptoms of PTSD. I know I do, and it sucks.

Unfortunately, there is no magic formula to make your SO feel remorse and want to change to be a better partner AND ask you for a chance at reconciliation. But, your best shot at that happening is:

1. going no contact with her.

2. reading up on the psychology behind affairs and affair behavior (it's so textbook we joke about "the cheater's handbook" on here because so many of our cheating partners have done and said the EXACT same things).

3. working on healing yourself, keeping busy, and just living life.

With or without her (and again, we know you wish you could make her want to work on saving your relationship), you WILL be okay. Post as often as you need. We'll help get yoj through this.

Oh, I just wanted to add that I have been there. I loved my husband dearly, but nothing changed until I kicked him out, started the process to legally separate and went no contact with him. He was so "torn" between me and his older crazy coworker who was 3x his size and had a daughter 10 years younger than him, until I didn't talk to him for nearly three months. Then things started to change, he started trying to figure out what I was doing, if I was seeing other men, getting into fights with his AP (affair partner) because she thought he should be SO happy to have her and only her, and she didn't understand why he missed his wife and was worried about what she was doing...

Anyways, just sharing that so you know that I've been where you are.

My SO recently called to say "fuck you. I hate you. I don't know why you made all this up good luck finding another girl that will put up with your shit. I wanted you I just needed space I didn't choose him I told you the truth but fuck you I'm done with you you destroyed my life like the shitty person you are and you destroyed a 7 year olds life I hope you feel better."

We have an old saying around here; when someone tries to tell you who they are, believe them. I’m as pro R as anyone here? As long as she is acting like this you need to move on with your life. If she pulls her head out of her ass and tries to catch up with you then you have something to work with.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 7:01 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

Stop taking her calls.