SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

...but this site is called surviving infidelity....

Yes, surviving and thriving are what this site is about.

As you're seeing, 'surviving' doesn't mean 'Reconciling.' It means taking care of yourself and finding a good solution for you.

One major message SI promulgates is that one person can't control another.

That means, among other things, you can't make an unremorseful WS become remorseful. You can't R on your own.

Thriving may mean you have to walk away or watch your WS walk away. Yes, that can be excruciating, but it may be your best choice.

You were told to inform OBS because OBS deserved to know what was/is going on in her life (her H is cheating). Informing OBS was not a tactic to bring your SO back. It was entirely separate from the question of what will happen with your relationship.

Gently, bro, you're selling yourself out. Your SO cheated because of her own issues, not because of issues with you or with your relationship. The problem is that she's not enough. The problem is something you can't fix.

Have you considered IC? If you're in IC, are you doing the right work with a good IC?

You can heal, survive, thrive, despite your SO's A. It may just mean that you may have to leave your SO.

LateNight, I am so sorry for your pain, but you have done the only sane thing in this whole mess: telling everyone what these two-faced phonies were doing. You are simply bringing honesty and truth to the situation, but lying snakes don't like that. Their venom is because they were comfortable being selfish and self-serving. Stand tall and confident in your convictions. You are forcing the light of truth. They may attack and you may worry about what others do or do not believe, but try to calm yourself with an internal mantra. "I simply told everyone the truth, and that was the right thing." Say it over and over to yourself because manipulators like to punish and blame others for their errors, but don't let them. Don't let them shake what you know is the truth.

What will happen? None of us can say, but again, hold to your convictions, your belief in honesty and truthfulness. Truth makes things as they are, as they need to be, even when it hurts. Truth is difficult, but it's real. It just is. So let truth play out--between OM and his business partner, between OM and his BW, between your WS and her father, between your WS and the OM, between your WS and her lack of a job, etc. Let things settle for a while and see what impact truth has all around. For now, focus on getting you healthy and feeling better--eating well, sleeping, lots of fluids, exercise, IC for yourself, journaling, long walks, thinking, taking some time for yourself. Do you have family you can spend some time with? Hobbies you enjoy? Try to give yourself some care and consideration and quiet for a bit.

We want recovering from infidelity to be a sprint, like "hurry up and be over and give me my life back!" But it's a marathon, a new normal. This all happened, so try to take a breather and let the truth of this be felt and dealt with. Then you will be able to see what you have left to work with in your relationship.

Peace, my friend.

I'm very sorry for your pain and turmoil. It's very hard, I know.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:55 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

OBS has stopped contact.

Father doesn't believe me.

Ex SO is still hell bent on getting phone.

Guys I'm not crazy. But bc of the time line it literally almost feels like OM has another OW that is playing the part of his wife....

Sunday night or Monday morning I message OM telling him off.

Tuesday morning SO goes back to work and I message OBS.

Never hear from OBS on Tuesday but around noon OM messages back and says he ended it and sends screenshot of message he sent me SO saying thanks for being understanding of phone call earlier.

Wed morning OBS calls me.

Thurs OBS says OM admitted to sex with my SO and that all the phone has is flirting.

OBS has never asked for phone. Is that bc if whoever I'm really talking to would obviously be not the real OBS in a meetup?

This whole time SO has been hell bent on recovering phone. If it's all already out there why this obsession with the phone? Is what's on there criminal?

I'm not crazy. SO is probably going to have me arrested to keep whatever is in the phone from ever coming out.

If you do not have the phone, the police will not arrest you. You said that you didn't have it. You have nothing to worry about. There is no proof of you stealing it. If asked how you knew of things on her phone, you say you looked at her phone before she left me.

Very odd. Yes, this would not be the first time I read of someone conversing with a burner phone or fake BS or just a phony person on the other end. You could be talking to your WW, thinking it is OBS. You could be talking to the OM.

So . . .

Now what? Do you know where she lives? Works? Maybe it's time to send a certified letter to OBS.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:07 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

No offense, LateNight, but this is some serious drama and crazy shit. Are you reconsidering your choice in a lifetime partner?

Just had a 3 hour phone call with SO.

It wasnt great but not terrible either.

Appearently everyone but me has attempted/considered suicide.

I'm seriously having SO committed tonight to keep her from attempting. She promised not too, but I don't believe her.

OM and OBS are both in hospital according to SO. No way to verify this. SO said she has had NC with OM but if that's the case how would she know they're both in hospital?

Poster above me said this all so crazy and they're right. It is!

Father finally knows truth, but thinks I'm "an idiot" for exposing bc I risked her job.

But appearently she still has job. I guess OM is leaving. I don't know.

I just want all this to end.

I guess I should be more clear.

It wasn't terrible as in me and SO at each others throats. It was very civil/calm.

The news she was giving me was awful.

Now how much of that is true who knows.

You can't trust a thing she says.

It may be she's trying to get you off her trail.

It just doesn't smell right.

You should wake up now and take a real good look at what your future would be in this.

You aren't even married and she's cheated already.

The best predictor of the future is past history. Wake up!!!!!

I wouldn’t believe a word of it, she is most likely trying to manipulate you.

Father finally knows truth, but thinks I'm "an idiot" for exposing bc I risked her job.

Her father is as low classed as she is.

It would be a cold day in hell before I'd marry into this den of snakes.

But appearently she still has job. I guess OM is leaving. I don't know.

You are right it makes no sense.

I just want all this to end.

Get out now. Block her on everything

Block your SO. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Let her sort everything out on her own. Focus on you, not reconciliation. So far, she has done nothing that would make her worthy of reconciliation,

LateNght:

Okay, let’s sort this out a little. Marz is right by the way. Why would you want to make this your future? But that being said, it’s your life and perhaps your WGF has a slight glimmer of coming around. Who knows? Time will tell.

I understand the OM leaving the job. He was the boss right? But he has a partner who now knows that the OM was constantly criticizing him, and a BW who now knows he was using the work place as his personal brothel. So, yeah, I get why the OM is bailing on the workplace. And I am sure he and his BW are distraught over everything, but suicidal? The same for your WGF. All of this angst seems pretty far fetched and I would not believe this stuff. It sounds like trying to lay a guilt trip on you. But the OM and your WGF brought all of this shit down on their own heads. Period. End of story.

Good luck.

If she threatens suicide again, don't do a thing to get her committed.

Just get her location, if you can, and CALL 911. That's all.

You are not a professional. You are not competent to handle a suicide threat. CALL 911!

I don’t know if SO is suicidal but understand the lengths people will go to when they lose control of a situation.

They will say and do almost anything. Look at the number of people who try to have their spouse killed as they go through a Divorce. I am sure some of it is because there is a bitter custody battle going on unfortunately. Just a random example of what people are capable of doing when they lose control.

I agree with Sisoon. Next time she says or threatens suicide you call 911 and give her location and report her threats.

And having 3 hour conversations or 3 second conversations means you are still allowing the drama to continue.

Had you instituted the 180 like others suggested, this would not be happening with you involved. And she would be figuring out what she needs to do to get you back if that is what she really wants.

Instead she’s cursing you and blaming you. Typical cheater behavior.

Pay close attention to that behavior. Because from now going forward whenever her life doesn’t go according to her plan she will blame you. For everything.

Last comment. Like you I was a doormat during my H’s Affair and for 25 years of marriage. I accepted certain things to avoid conflict. Like him having no accountability on where he was or what time he came home (hours late constantly with no call).

The day things changed was the day I stood up to him at DDay2.

No longer entertained any conversation from him. Not listening to his rxcusescor rationalizations or his crap that “we were disconnected “ his excuse for his Affair.

Hard 180.

And now guess who has power and control in the marriage? Me. He would not dare pull any more crap b/c I will leave him in a heartbeat. And he knows it. He’s now afraid I will leave him!!!!

I didn’t have the benefit of SI during my H’s Affair. I had to figure it out in my own. But I can tell you I will never be a second choice for anyone.

I mean yeah according to her I've ruined more lives than I know in more ways than I know.

And all I did was expose.

But appearently I'm vengeful and evil and it's all my fault.

When the truth is she didn't love me. She loved him. And she saw the emotional hell I was going thru and CONTINUED to do this shit.

But yeah it's all my fault appearently.

She still loves him. And I think shes still trying to find a way to be with him ultimately.

But there is a small small piece of hope that she will own up to it one day, that she'll see where I was coming from, and how long I tried to rug sweep, before it got to the point that I could not anymore. I hope that one day she can accept responsibility and apologize sincerely.

Will that happen I don't know.

I'll post some more details later.

She's still in the fog. How could all her hopes have evaporated so fast? Everything was going to be great.

She tantrums and blames you for it ending. She doesn't want to face her situation as it is. Dad thinks it's easier to blame than to try and sort her out.

OM has cut his losses and departed.

You're the rock in the stormy sea watching it all. Don't let the waves beat you up too much.