SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When you ask for an opinion you get an opinion and that's the opinion. The opinions seem to be predominantly to cut your losses with the reasons that person has for that opinion. There are others who don't say that and give their reasons. Then the debate starts between those who say do and those who say don't. I've stated my opinion. You can take it or leave it. Just as I said it's your life and what you do is up to you.

Thanks emergent8, gtflng and KingRat for putting some of my thoughts into words.

As I've said, I have no trouble believing that D is infinitely more complicated and heartbreaking when there are children involved. I understand that children complicate matters, R or D.

You are assuming that the cheater will very likely cheat again and there will be a D in the future. If that is so, how is it more justifiable to R just because you have children? Ok, I get it, there is more motivation to keep the family intact, OTOH the betrayal was actually much worse (the cheater betrayed the kids as well) and R is more difficult because you have to put your own needs in the back burner instead of spending the majority of time working on yourselves. Seems to me there are downsides to R in both circumstances...

I still don’t know how to quote on my phone but KingRat, I do understand how being more aware early on could strengthen a relationship and make it stronger and prevent further issues down than road.

I was not trying to minimize all of the issues childless couples face. All of the issues you mentioned - are issues couples with kids face as well. It’s hard. Life is hard. Relationships in general are hard. Relationships after infidelity are incredibly hard.

Iris, I wouldn’t judge you for staying. I think you should do what you feel is best for you. But if you asked my opinion, my original answer would stand. I think no matter what - kids or no kids, waiting a year to watch my WH before making any decision was the best advice I received.

As I said in the original post, part of why I asked this question is because I feel there isn't a lot of support for childless BSs decisions and I'm afraid to post. Several other members in my situation have come here and stated that they feel the same. So I wonder if this is a place I can safely use for my own healing (and possible R).

Never be afraid to post. Take what applies to you and leave the rest. Justifiable to others doesn't matter. Each one of us decides what is best for our individual situation.

When you are young, in a short term marriage with no children, no property the logistics of splitting are much easier and cleaner. You have the option to go completely no contact. Cheating in the early stages usually doesn't bode well for the future.

As a childless BS, who came here 4 years ago and got pretty much the same advice as the OP got, I do not agree with the statement that it wasn't helpfull.

Of course when some advice only one word "RUN" this wasn't helpfull, but this is not the common answer. Many take the time to explain why. And this is what was sooo incredibly helpfull. They opened and and challeged my thoughts. Told me about things I had no clue about at all.

Of course it maybe wasn't what I wanted to hear but that doesn't mean it was unhelpfull.

Also in no way did I ever feel that my feelings were dismissed. When I struggled with NC or had an argument with my XWH many jumped in and encouraged me. Giving me support in everyway possible. So its not the truth that we do not have a place in here. We may just not want to hear the truth at that time. Thinking our situation, our WS is so special, when its not actually. We just want it to be.

you do not want to be living through this with kids.

^^^^^

What she said.

I "lived" through this with kids, and there are periods of time where it was like being torn apart.

My kids grew up.

Last year my FWS did something that she should not have done. I spoke to her, I was not happy, she was apologetic, not having truly considered the potential negative consequences of what she had done (she was contacted by an old boyfriend from 40 years ago from high school to be friends on facebook and friended him without thinking better of it), I believe her. But, I'm done "figuring out what might be going on", I told her that I was never going through what I went through before, not even close, that it was her responsibility to make sure that there was not even the appearance of anything possibly being untoward in our marriage, and if that wasn't possible, then I'm done and she's gone, and if it came to that I would never speak to her again for the rest of my life. Doesn't matter how much I love her, kids or no kids, pets or no pets, grandchildren or not, she put me through Hell, I endured it to save my family, but she'd better never forget for a moment what I went through.

We didn't have kids when he cheated.

We worked hard to reconcile. We had been together for nine years, we were best friends. We went to a lot of therapy.

I did not stay because I was scared of being alone or I needed his money. I stayed because I loved him.

Also, when is anyone 100 percent happy? Unattainable goal. But I am 100 percent glad I stayed, and 100 percent satisfied in my relationship.

[This message edited by lost_in_toronto at 11:48 PM, June 10th (Monday)]

As a childless BS, who came here 4 years ago and got pretty much the same advice as the OP got, I do not agree with the statement that it wasn't helpfull.

Of course when some advice only one word "RUN" this wasn't helpfull, but this is not the common answer. Many take the time to explain why. And this is what was sooo incredibly helpfull. They opened and and challeged my thoughts. Told me about things I had no clue about at all.

Of course it maybe wasn't what I wanted to hear but that doesn't mean it was unhelpfull.

You are mistaken in believing that I just want to hear that I can R and everything will be alright. And as I've said I'm still very much considering D for some of the reasons that posters mentioned. However I just don't understand how D is 100% the answer when the BS is childless whereas R is possible when you have children. And I don't get the arguments that almost imply that I would be a horrible mother for creating children with a cheater (even if we R after a lot of work for years). In the end you decided that D was right for you. If you had decided otherwise, do you think you would still have come here for advice and support? Genuine question.

I would understand if we were talking about "staying together" and rugsweeping because the WS will not do the work. Then I would understand that it doesn't make sense for a young person with virtually no entanglements to stay with the cheater, whereas a person with children and lots of assets might stay so as to not lose financial comfort and time with their kids. But this is not R. I feel that R is R, kids or no kids. Yes I don't want to be going through this pain with kids, but that's not what R is for, though I know there are no guarantees (there are none either with someone else).

If I tried to R than I know I still would be here, not for reading and giving my advice from time to time, but for actually seeking advice.

I wouldn't have 250 post in 4 years, I would have 2500 somthing post.

And the last time I started a topic asking advice for myself was 2016? Maybe 2017? I can't remember tbh. I would still start topics and trying to get through with infidelity somehow. After I dicided to D, it was more or less not my bussiness anymore. I'm not even posting unless I can somehow relate the last 2 years.

I have read through everything very carefully and some good points and recommendations were made. Some things I disagree with, others I partially agree. I just tend to have a problem when people's POVs are presented as absolute truths and subsequently used as justification to disregard feelings, especially in a place like this.

As I said in the original post, part of why I asked this question is because I feel there isn't a lot of support for childless BSs decisions and I'm afraid to post. Several other members in my situation have come here and stated that they feel the same. So I wonder if this is a place I can safely use for my own healing (and possible R).

You are mistaken in believing that I just want to hear that I can R and everything will be alright. And as I've said I'm still very much considering D for some of the reasons that posters mentioned. However I just don't understand how D is 100% the answer when the BS is childless whereas R is possible when you have children. And I don't get the arguments that almost imply that I would be a horrible mother for creating children with a cheater (even if we R after a lot of work for years). In the end you decided that D was right for you. If you had decided otherwise, do you think you would still have come here for advice and support? Genuine question.

I would understand if we were talking about "staying together" and rugsweeping because the WS will not do the work. Then I would understand that it doesn't make sense for a young person with virtually no entanglements to stay with the cheater, whereas a person with children and lots of assets might stay so as to not lose financial comfort and time with their kids. But this is not R. I feel that R is R, kids or no kids. Yes I don't want to be going through this pain with kids, but that's not what R is for, though I know there are no guarantees (there are none either with someone else).

You've been given advice - all with nuance now that we know your situation - and people have explained why for the MAJORITY of people, cut and run is the answer. There's been 8 pages of it.

Yet you seem to still be trying to justify your decision - it seems that you do very much want to be told that your decision is perfectly OK, and that those of us who would tell people without kids to cut their losses and move on are somehow completely wrong.

If you believe that in your situation, you have a good shot at R (and, frankly, I think you do), then go for it and go with god.

But stop trying to convince those of us who have had both experiences: spouses cheat before/early on in marriage, and having a cheating spouse with kids now involved. I personally can tell you life is infinitely more complicated in the latter than the former. We've actually been there, done that.

We don't have kids (and cannot). Not as young as you - I'm 36, he's 43, married 8 years next month. DDay was 9 months ago (3 year massage parlor habit). We are working at reconciliation, and I am hopeful. I'd like to believe that he is capable of change, and am willing to give it another go.

Yet you seem to still be trying to justify your decision - it seems that you do very much want to be told that your decision is perfectly OK, and that those of us who would tell people without kids to cut their losses and move on are somehow completely wrong.

Why is it so inconceivable of me to want to get some support from a support group? Yes I want to know that my decision is ok and valid. It sucks to feel excluded. This doesn't mean I just want to hear from people who are pro-R. I'm sorry if I gave you that impression.

I have stumbled upon an old thread which was basically about a poster who felt there was a lot of negativity towards R (in general, not just for childless BS's). Which was enlightening.

But stop trying to convince those of us who have had both experiences: spouses cheat before/early on in marriage, and having a cheating spouse with kids now involved. I personally can tell you life is infinitely more complicated in the latter than the former. We've actually been there, done that.

But I've repeatedly stated that I 100% believe you...

___________________________________________________________________

I see some of you seem exasperated by the length of this thread, because noone is changing anyone's mind. But this has actually been helpful to me, as there were some good points and I now have a better idea of the reasoning behind some posters' recommendations.

I'm still not sure it's safe or healthy for me to post my struggles because if there is such a strong negative bias towards R for childless BS's, then the answers I get are going to reflect that. And then I end up triggered and discouraged and needing to battle negative self-talk (i.e. I'll be a horrible mother if my H cheats again when we have kids). Don't really know what I expect from this anymore... Don't really have anyone to talk to.

((((iris2536)))) I am so sorry, iris. Yes, I am one that has felt the negativity towards R here. There are a great many members who are supportive, though, too. I wouldn't have stayed here this long if there wasn't.

I would suggest posting in the R forum. Less negativity. I hope you can find the support you need. And, deserve. You should be able to find it here and I am disappointed that you are not finding it here.

You asked why people tell childless BS to run,when they initially post. You've been given that answer,several times. So, now you know.

However, once you decide to stay, once you're past the just found out part of this, and you start to post in the R forum,people will support and advise based on your decision to attempt reconciliation. Sure, you may get some posts telling you you should run. But most people will meet you where you are, and go from there. You have the ability to ignore advice that doesn't respect your decision.

Why is it so inconceivable of me to want to get some support from a support group?

What support do you want that hasn't been given?

Yes I want to know that my decision is ok and valid.

Do you know that now? What has this thread not done that you're looking for?

It sucks to feel excluded.

Gently, if you feel excluded, that's in you. This thread says to me you've been welcomed and not excluded. What does it say to you?

If you still feel excluded, I urge you to look inside to find out what you want.

Several other posters chimed in that they too had come to the same conclusion as the OP, and in fact it's why they don't post as often. This should be a wake-up call to all of us.

I think a lot of us who didn't run on DDay had previously said, "Oh, I would never stay with a cheater." We can't really know what we would do until we are in that position.

Of course we are all invested in the path we chose being the right one. The less we are confident or happy with our outcome, the more we will be apt to ignore or minimize people who expect or profess success with a different path. It threatens our notion that we do not have the power for more health, healing, and happiness than we currently have, and sometimes we're not ready to contemplate that. On the flip side, if we are pleased with our outcome, we tend to think it's the best way for others as well, because now we're the [whichever path we took] expert.

[This message edited by swmnbc at 10:47 AM, June 11th, 2019 (Tuesday)]

Why is it so inconceivable of me to want to get some support from a support group?

What support do you want that hasn't been given?

I have gotten some support, I was just replying to WornDown.

Yes I want to know that my decision is ok and valid.

Do you know that now? What has this thread not done that you're looking for?

I guess make me feel that the choice to R without children is as respectable and as deserving of empathy and support as the choice to R with children, in this community.

It sucks to feel excluded.

Gently, if you feel excluded, that's in you. This thread says to me you've been welcomed and not excluded. What does it say to you?

If you still feel excluded, I urge you to look inside to find out what you want.

Yes, which is why I said I feel, but that doesn't make it any better.

I want to feel safe posting here when I'm a little more vulnerable, say if I hit a rough patch in R. I fear that the advice I get is going to be tainted by this prejudice and that I will end up getting unnecessarily discouraged OR that I'm so used to this prejudice that I may actually disregard something that could help because I attribute it to that prejudice.

Do you see how this:

Why is it so inconceivable of me to want to get some support from a support group? Yes I want to know that my decision is ok and valid.

is the exact opposite of this:

This doesn't mean I just want to hear from people who are pro-R.

A support group is just that - they provide support. But that does not mean they will cheer your every decision. They will (SHOULD) point when they think you are making a wrong decision. If all any support group does is say, "You're always right!" you really aren't getting much out of that group. The most important part of a support group is to help you see things that you don't see - for whatever reason (no experience, blinders, etc.)

But, again, I think you - with this thread - are conflating your situation with the GENERAL situation (cheating, no kids). So when people talk about the GENERAL situation, you are taking that as a personal attack (may or may not be true). Remember, this started out as a general statement about cheating without kids in the mix. Not about your situation - that came later.

As Sisoon said, if you start a thread asking for advice/support about YOUR situation in JFO or Reconciliation, you may find that you will get different responses.

ETA:

I guess make me feel that the choice to R without children is as respectable and as deserving of empathy and support as the choice to R with children, in this community.

You most certainly will.

Just because we say that the baseline reaction should be to move on, it does not mean you get ostracized for choosing to R. Hell, we welcome WSs who choose to stay and do the hard work, why wouldn't we you?

[This message edited by WornDown at 12:03 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

I guess make me feel that the choice to R without children is as respectable and as deserving of empathy and support as the choice to R with children, in this community.

My kids were grown adults when discovery day happened around here, so I didn't get a lot of empathy for my decision to R.

So, I totally understand feeling un-safe about sharing R feelings in this environment.

However, there are a lot of very reasonable voices here. It helped my R by staying here, regardless of whether everyone supported my choice or not.

One question a wiser member than me asked, "Why are you being so defensive about your choice? Are you certain R is what you want?"

It was a great question early on. Tough questions like that helped me understand why it was I wanted to give my wife a chance I wouldn't normally give. Once I realized I would be happy married or not, it made me a stronger person to help rebuild my marriage.

Kids or no kids. Young or old. We have to be comfortable with our choice to stay, and then it doesn't need to be defended. Your choice becomes yours and you'll find plenty of people to back you on that.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 11:34 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]