SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey everyone. I found out in early April that my wife had been having an emotional affair starting in January with a guy she had known since 2003. The affair turned physical early April and continued off and on until the third week of May. So far she has sworn off meeting up with him and giving our marriage a try, including counseling, however I still have so much doubt and anxiety. We have a beautiful 7 year old daughter and just purchased a house this past October. I feel like such a failure and keep comparing myself to this guy. I'm obsessed actually. I have already looked up his phone #, address and work. I don't know whats wrong with me. I think the more details I know the more it may hurt me but I cant stop thinking about it. I wish I could just move forward and not think about them together. I haven't slept, eaten (lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks), and my relationship with my daughter and family members is skued because I don't feel like I can connect with anyone anymore. I need help moving forward. A part of me thinks maybe it might be easier to just leave the marriage but I know that I still love my wife very much. Plus, I don't want to put my daughter through the process of divorce as I had went through as a child. It was very painful and confusing. Can someone please shed some light? Tell me everything will be okay? Tell me that I'm a good person and don't deserve this? I can hardly function anymore.

You are a good person and don’t deserve this. That’s the easy part to tell you.

As far as if everything is going to be ok, that depends on what your wife is willing to do to commit to fixing your marriage, and more importantly, if you are able to find a way to get help and work on yourself.

You’ve come to the right place. I was in your shoes 4 months ago, and the advice I’ve gotten here has been amazing. What I can say is you should seek individual counseling, to help yourself through this trauma. If your wife is going to commit to fixing this, she needs to be in IC as well.

If she is no longer in contact with him, how is she proving it? Do you have access to her phone, email, etc? If not, demand this.

You are going to get a lot of great advice in this thread. Sorry you need to be here, but glad you got yourself here.

Hi rcnorris.

Welcome to the site. Sorry you have to join here but I'm glad we are here to help. First things first.

1. You have done nothing wrong at all and should take no blame for this Affair. Your Wayward Wife made several deliberate choices to betray your marriage and all of them were her decisions not mistakes made.

2. A lot of people might say don't compare yourself to this Other Man and in a way that's correct but I would like you to do that. You are a loyal husband and father that stayed faithful to your wife throughout your marriage I assume and you love her even now, even though she hurt you tremendously. He is a POS who pursues and sleeps with a married woman and causes her pain and potentially pain to your innocent child and an innocent man, you. So compare away. You'll come out ahead in the only comparison that is important, your character.

3. Do not currently believe anything your WW tells you. She has proven to lie. She will continue to lie for some time, maybe forever. It is rare that someone is found out and immediately tells the whole truth. For example the timeline you laid out. She has known him since 2003 but conveniently it became and EA in January and a PA in April, after 16 years it just sprung to life? Really? You probably do not know the truth here. Let me guess the January and April timeline fits whatever evidence you found for the Affair?

4. Take your time deciding what to do, watch her ACTIONS and not her WORDS, take care of your child and take care of yourself. This is a long term thing. You need to decide and you don't need to be pressured.

5. Read the Healing Library at the top of this page. Look at some other threads. Get educated on what will likely happen by looking at other stories. There are patterns that Affairs follow. Your story will follow them as well.

6. Check in here as needed. Vent. Ask for advice. Take what works for you. Listen even when it is hard to hear. Folks here care.

Now a few questions.

How did you find out this was going?

Where is your WW now? Still at home?

Has she contacted the OM since you found out? Would you know if she had? What is her attitude on this?

Does the OM have a girlfriend or wife? Do they know?

How is your daughter doing? Does she know anything? Is she ok?

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 2:19 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

rcnorris

Tell me that I'm a good person and don't deserve this?

While I do not know you personally I do know that no one deserves to be cheated on.

So far she has sworn off meeting up with him and giving our marriage a try

What was she doing with your marriage between the time you married and the time she cheated? Was she not in the marriage? Is it only because she tried the other guy that she now wants to see if she wants to be married to you? Having gone through being the betrayed I know that you can't answer these questions, only she can. Absolutely no part of this is your fault.

I think the more details I know the more it may hurt me but I cant stop thinking about it. I wish I could just move forward and not think about them together.

I know exactly what you mean by this but understand that it did happen and no amount of ignoring it or wishing it hadn't happen will make it go away.

I feel like such a failure and keep comparing myself to this guy.

Okay, lets compare you to him. How many times did you screw another man's wife? None? You are head and shoulders above this guy on this alone!

Stay strong and know that where you are today is not a permanent position.

I'm actually new here and just found out my boyfriend cheated early on in a relationship and a baby might be his out of this deal. He hid it for over a year. I know right now the pain and obsession you are going through is normal. You want answers. You want answers from someone who hasn't lied or hurt you. Whatever she tells you, you won't believe anyway so you'll go looking for your own. This time will pass in a bit. Mine took about three weeks before I finally stopped digging every single day and crying in the bathroom at work. Many people will give you advice and they mean well BUT no one is in your shoes and no one is in your relationship. To be honest after awhile everyone's advice will wear on you. Right now give yourself permission to NOT know what to do and any type of healing will take months from here on out. If you stay together or end things the healing still needs to take place. Put yourself and your daughter first right now and heal. When it's time to make a decision, make it. Right now you're an emotional mess. Be ok with being it so you can move on and heal. In due time the answers will come.

Thank you all for all your great advice and kind words. I do take responsibility for our marriage not doing well because I failed as a husband to initiate being intimate with my wife, tell her I loved her, and hold her\hug her like she wanted me too. Not to excuse the actions she took but I understand why she was unhappy. She admitted to "messing around" with him in April and told me the back story of how it all came about. Since then I have caught her on 3 occasions lying to me saying she was somewhere else when in fact she was at his place, most likely having sex. This jerk is recently single, broken hearted from his girlfriend breaking up with him (boo hoo) and has no kids or anything. I wish so badly to beat the hell out of this guy! My daughter doesn't know anything. We have made a point to wait to talk about things until after she goes to bed which unfortunately leaves us with minimal time. Since all of this I have started eating healthier, stopped alcohol all together (1 month and 2 weeks), wake up @ 5am every morning to workout\run and have sought out individual counseling for anxiety and was prescribed some medication to help me through this time. I have scheduled marriage counseling for us in a week and we have made a real connection the last two weeks, both physically and emotionally. But I still feel very sad, angry and alone. I don't trust her at all. I don't have access to her phone, email or social media. My wife is very strong willed and will never be the type to just hand those things over. I don't feel like a man anymore guys. This is humiliating on all levels. I just don't know if I'm a fool for sticking around and giving her another chance or what. A part of me says to give it a shot and see how things go for the next 6 months to a year and if I'm still hurting or unsure then maybe make the call? I just don't want to be left with regret on top of all this pain.

You didn't cause her to cheat. That was a very conscious decision she willingly made.

If you think you can fix this all by yourself you are going to be very dissapointed.

She doesn't step up you have no future with her.

[This message edited by Marz at 3:19 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

You don't have to know what you want right now. in the first few months I'd swing wildly from wait and see to divorce within the same day, sometimes same hour. If possible, start seeing an IC where you'll have a confidential place to vent (since couples therapists often have a "no privacy" rule between spouses), and maybe even talk to a family law attorney in case it comes to that.

You absolutely did not deserve this. You are not a mind reader. If she was that deeply unhappy, she could have said something.

A few things, having been though this many years ago and looking back.

1. Quit making excuses for her. It was her choice, if she was unhappy, this will not, and did not solve it. If it was that bad, she should have divorced you first, then screwed around.

2. It's not your fault.

3. It is not uncommon to discover one instance, but not others that may have occurred. DNA check your child, even if you are absolutely sure. This will bring home to her the level of damage your wife has done to you. Why would you take her word for it now?

4. Take care of yourself, get some distance and time to get a larger perspective. it helps you deal with all of this objectively. Think before you act.

5. Demand access to all of her accounts. Today.

If she refuses, then you know she's either hiding something, or doesn't value your relationship for spit, or both. This is required, now, not later. Be prepared for someone to start packing their crap tonight.

6. Marriage counseling is a waste of time until she gets her own crap straightened out in individual counseling.

Good luck.

[This message edited by twisted at 3:26 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

Sorry you are here.

While it may be useful to collect information on the AP (affair partner), it should not be your primary focus. Remember that it's your wife who promised to be faithful, and she's the one who broke her vows.

That being said, if the AP is married, figure out how to directly contact his wife and expose the affair. That will make it a lot harder for the affair to resume.

I don't hear that your wife is remorseful. "Giving the marriage a try" is not going to be good enough to help you heal. Unless she is fully transparent and shows true remorse (ie acknowledging how much she hurt you and doing everything in her power to make amends), then successful reconciliation just isn't in the cards.

Whatever you do, don't do the pick me dance. Take control:

1. Demand all passwords

2. Turn on GPS tracking

3. Demand that she send a No Contact letter to AP

4. If you need answers, demand them.

[This message edited by recovering2018 at 3:31 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

She admitted to "messing around" with him in April and told me the back story of how it all came about. Since then I have caught her on 3 occasions lying to me saying she was somewhere else when in fact she was at his place, most likely having sex.

So she continues to see him now or just continued for a bit during discovery and has now stopped?

My wife is very strong willed and will never be the type to just hand those things over.

Well she's going to have to humble herself here or you're going to have to learn to just allow her to be strong-willed at the expense of your mental health. If she cannot or will not end this A, admit what she did and admit it was wrong, show you that she is truly remorseful and become transparent on her actions going forward then you are going to have to learn to accept this or move on with your life without her.

Hi, welcome to SI.

Your wife needs to be transparent, non-negotiable.

She cheated, the only privacy she is entitled to is using the ladies' room.

Access to her phone, voicemails, emails, social media accounts is a must.

Plant a VAR in her vehicle if you suspect she is lying, which she probably is to some degree.

Cheaters lie. All of them.

Also, she must be accountable for every.minute.of.her.time. GPS tracking as well.

I'm 14 years out, and I STILL have access to my husband's emails, etc., including his work email.

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Period.

If she wants to work on the marriage, she will do whatever it takes to make it happen to prove to you she can be a safe partner in the future.

rcnorris, you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to have the best chance of saving it. In other words, your marriage isn't for you to save, it is for your WW to save.

Despite the progress you think you have you are still bothered by the fact that your WW is still an unsafe person to you. There are specific requirements for reconciliation and her transparency is a MUST right now. She must give you access to all her devices and accounts. But before you ask for access think through what her consequences will be for not complying. She cannot say no to you first, then a couple of hours later decide to give you access after she has deleted all the evidence. The moment you ask her must be the moment she hands it over, or you enact consequences. You decide what those consequences will be since you know your WW better than most, but I've not read any better consequences than handing over D papers right then at refusal for transparency, or any other requirement for R. Think about it, if whatever she needs to keep secret is worth divorcing you over then she doesn't make you and saving the marriage her highest priority. She is making self preservation and her secrets the highest priority, and that is not what you want to reconcile with at all.

Go see an attorney secretly and get a consultation. Learn about your rights as a husband and father to your child. Understand the divorce process and what that entails. Get a very good idea what that scenario will be like so that you do not FEAR this option if it becomes and inevitable one. Your WW may throw out all kinds of threats to preserve her privacy, like threatening to take your daughter away from you or cleaning you out of your accounts in divorce, all to get you to back off of enforcing requirements for reconciliation. However, armed with the knowledge that your attorney provides you will enable you to call her bluff and power forward in setting your boundaries and requirements.

Your first obstacle is accepting that infidelity just happened in your marriage and with your wife. There is no going back to change this. She has essentially destroyed the marriage you thought you had.

Accept the fact that your WW is capable of betraying you. This is who she is, a cheater and a liar. Quit telling yourself what a wonderful mother and wife she is or has been. Wonderful wives don't stab their husbands in the back like this. Sure, the OM is a world class douche bag but it is your WW who agreed to have an affair with him. It was HER choice. If you were really that negligent of her needs in the marriage then why didn't she simply tell you "rcnorris, I have needs and you are not meeting them. Step up or I am divorcing you!". That would have gotten your attention, correct? Instead, she chose the nuclear option of firing the missile first with her affair and THEN trying to un-push the launch button once you found out. No wonder your anxiety is sky high! When is that missile going to impact, right? When is the other shoe going to drop? So, your wife is a cheater. Hold her accountable.

Start thinking about what life will be like without your WW. I know that is extremely hard to do, but ask yourself what would have happened if instead of your wife cheating she had instead passed away for whatever reason. How would you handle matters then? Without a doubt you will be stable reliable parent for your daughter. How would you plan the logistics for her care when you are at work, at school, etc.? Use that template to plan, to start your 180.

If you have not been there yet, the healing library is the best place for you to start getting all the information you need on how to handle your situation. The link is on the left of the page.

rcnorris, I'm sorry your are here.

So far she has sworn off meeting up with him and giving our marriage a try, 

This quote made me want to puke.

In your marriage vows, did the word "try" ever come up?

I doubt it.

I bet it sounded something like this...

In sickness or in health 'til death do us part.

Why was it so easy for you to keep those vows and not her?

You may have failed in the marriage (which I doubt btw), but you didn't deserve to be cheated on. You could've been as evil as Hitler and it would never excuse her cheating.

*Do Not*** take the blame for this! If you do, she will continue to hurt you and then blame you.

She didn't cheat because you weren't giving her enough time or affection. It's also not because you left the seat up in the bathroom.

She cheated because she's broken and needs to seek help to fix herself.

This a million times.^^^^^^^^^^!

As someone who has fought through this horror there is one constant for the newly betrayed: and that is the realization that in order to survive infidelity they must learn to put on their big boy pants and become stronger than they've ever been in their marriage. It's actually the only way to survive infidelity - regardless of whether or not you divorce or stay married.

The problem is, of course, that you love her. And it is exactly that emotion that you are going to need to overcome in order to set down the appropriate boundaries on which any future action will be based.

A single example, but there are many. Your wife has broken her marriage vows and shown you that she is untrustworthy. That means, as a BS, that you now get access to all of her electronic devices including passwords and anything else you feel you need to stay safe. This is non-negotiable. You need to gather your strength, sit her down at the kitchen table, and without reservation or apologizing, let her know that she hands you everything you ask for, right now, not in an hour and not when/if she feels like it - but right now.

She is going to say no. She will object and she will complain. She will say you are controlling. She will say that she can't live like this, that you are making her feel like a child. She'll threaten to leave.

You must be strong. If she doesn't hand over everything you need - you tell her that you will be filing for divorce in the morning. And you get up and walk away.

These (and a hundred more examples) are absolutely essential to changing the dynamic in the marriage and beginning the process of surviving infidelity. You are not the one who created this mess, but you are going to be the one to find the strength to get YOURSELF out of infidelity - regardless if she wants to come along or not.

This strength from a BS (betrayed spouse) is, to me, the hardest thing to do, especially early on. You're so afraid to lose the marriage, to lose your vision of what your family is to you, to be alone, to split assets, etc., that it is paralyzing.

Find your strength and set down your boundaries. The earlier you do this the better you will be, no matter how things play out.

Sir, she knows you are loving and reliable and responsible and her OM is all exciting and fun. So as long as she knows no consequences from you, she is having a good time. Read the story of yankee99. His WW went and live with her OM and he was pleading. His friend made him to file, WW came running home saying we can make this work

RCNorris,

Sorry you're here. Our stories are similar.

I'm still in the early throes as well & giving you detailed advice would probably be foolish since I just don't feel like I'm capable enough to.

There's plenty of people here that ARE capable to do that, though...

The only thing I WILL advise you is the following:

I do take responsibility for our marriage not doing well because I failed as a husband to initiate being intimate with my wife, tell her I loved her, and hold her\hug her like she wanted me too.

Do not blame your actions for her own actions.

That's probably the piece of advice that was given to me here on SI that has literally kept me alive each time that the darkness hits me.

There's absolutely NOTHING to blame yourself for in regards to her cheating on you.

She was the one that cheated on you.

She knew what she was doing.

She made a choice.

She made that choice over and over again each and every time she gave him any emotional or physical closeness.

Perhaps you were a bit more distant than you'd have liked to be, or perhaps (more likely) she's using that to excuse herself for her betrayal to you and your daughter. Only time and reflection will determine that.

EVEN IF that was so... you were faithful.

Again, let me reiterate.

You. Are NOT. To. Blame.

I have scheduled marriage counseling for us in a week

That's about the worst thing you can do. Most MC's are rugsweepers. Cancel it for now if you're smart.

I don't trust her at all. I don't have access to her phone, email or social media.

You know why? Because the affair is still going on. Cheaters lie a lot bud.

She cheats you do the typical self blame jump in with no thought to what R entails.

I hope I'm wrong but I think you've just set yourself up to be played and manipulated.

Wake up

[This message edited by Marz at 6:28 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]

Read Marz's post again. Start at the beginning and read all the posts. You have received great guidance. Seize the narrative and put a stop to this fiasco.

You need access to all forms of communication and electronic devices.

If she would rather keep her smart phone than her family.....so be it.

If she will not cease her infidelity; commit to doing the work; and become honest and transparent you really have nothing to work with.

How is she a safe spouse? What is she doing to save the marriage?

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 5:54 PM, June 6th (Thursday)]