SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Very unlikely you will get the full truth. Most Betrayed spouses do not.

Cheaters lie. And lie. And lie.

Realize she is a coward by doing what she did. She never told her CO-workers she was married. Tjstvis a huge red flag and a big black mark on her character.

Please know you did nothing to deserve this. But she made the choice to be a coward and a lying cheater which has nothing to do with you.

I’m sorry for your pain.

First you have to deal with your childish behavior.

Grow up already. Have you always acted like this during trouble?

So your wife is cheating on you. You’re not the first to go through this and won’t be the last.

If you were R, knowing the truth is extremely important. But at this point, R does not appear to be on the table for her. You know enough about whats going on, and she is not being shy about it. She is putting it out their to show where she is at.

You indicate that you want to try and save your marriage, well..., start doing that.

There have been ample advice given to you so far. Reread them and start actioning them. Lots of people on here have been in your situation, and have experianced the same pain, and are now informing you how to overcome it. We have walked your road.

Take control of the situation.

As has been advised, go see a doctor to get any short term medication to help ease the anxiety, and to help you sleep. That ought to be your first step.

Eat so that you have energy, even if it is just protein shakes. That ought to be your next step. Ensure that you are drinking plenty of water. Stay away from alcohol.

Then get back home. Impose your presence back in the situation, because right now you are giving her a free ride to her next destination.

If you are like me, sometimes you need a 2 by 4 to get me motivated.

What I have said may be harsh, but hopefully it is enough to jolt you back to action.

Hope it helps.

I know you feel like you need the details. Let me tell you, my ex's affair partner met with me and spilled all. It was what I needed in the moment to make a clean break and leave him. But now I am two months out and have the privilege of knowing a lot of dark, dirty, deplorable bullshit that I wish I could unknow. You know enough to make a decision. Don't torture yourself with more.

You've been given some really good advice. You don't seem to be listening. Please read through the posts again.

Do you own the home or have a lease? Whose name is on it? I suspect she has no right to kick you out. As I said before. She left the marriage. She can leave the residence, too.

Tell the AP that she is married to you. You are her husband and she is cheating. He may know it already but tell him anyway. Her work doesn't know. Tell them. Do they work together. There may be issues with that.

See a lawyer and find out where you stand on everything. Get IC through an employer sponsored benefit or on your own. See a doctor and get some help so you can get some sleep and function above a comatose level.

You need to start taking action. Believe me. Many of us here on this site know what you are going through. We, at least me, would like you to not make the mistakes we (I) made. Listen to us, please.

Keep coming back. Things may be said that offend you or hurt. They are said with the best of intentions because we want for you to get out of adultery and heal. I don't want you to take the torturous route I took.

We know how you feel - and almost all WS don't get it (at least initially). Your first mistake was confronting before you knew more - listen to the advice here and don't make any more mistakes. It's painful but she won't be back if you are a crying mess - that said - see a doctor, see a lawyer, tell EVERYONE - your family, her family, your work, her work ... when the WS starts to see themselves through everyone else's eyes - they usually don't like what they see and the lies they've been telling themselves to rationalize their cheating don't hold water.

I do not know how to tell everyone. I am afraid. I wanted to do this, but I do know how. She does not care what I do, she is not concerned about any of it, but she is concerned about me talking to the OP.

Here's the thing. You are focusing on her right now, and the person you need to focus on right now is you.

You need to get back in your home.

You need to see an attorney and understand your rights.

You need to see your Dr and get a therapist and meds so you can function.

You need to get STD tested.

You need to Just tell everyone that you have split up by her choice, or you can tell everyone that you don't like your wifes boyfriend. Whatever works for you. She is living in a land of delusion with absolutely no downside to her actions.

She told you to leave you left.

She told you not to talk to her affiar partner you haven't.

Go see an attorney and take a strong move and file for divorce. That will snap her head out of the fog if she is even worth attempting to save your M with. If not you will know and be able to move forward.

I'm sorry that you're here but you need to ACT NOW , paralysis won't get you anything, here's how: Man up and pick up the phone and tell EVERYBODY, go back to YOUR HOUSE immediately and STAY there, if she wants to leave so be it, she' the one who stepped out of the M, call a pitbull D attorney TODAY and file for D, have her served at work, don't be afraid, she's already left you so right now you need to protect yourself, make and appointment and get tested for STDs. ACT NOW !!!

Tell everyone, by talking to them. One at a time.

If you know anything about the other man, his name, email address, phone number, ANYTHING, pay for a website service like beenverified or truthfinder and you will soon know how to contact him, his wife, his dog, pretty much ANYBODY in his close circle.

Not only that, you can learn his history, such as legal/criminal history and more.

You can find promo codes for these services, it's pretty cheap for what you get.

Find out what your wife is afraid of - start fucking up his life!

Well, then, if,

she is concerned about me talking to the OP.

, then that is exactly what you should do. Show the same consideration for her feelings and wishes that she's shown you!

Go ahead. Contact him. Ask him for details. Tell him she's married and to get lost.

Does she work for him? Or does he work for her? Then call HR at her work and out them there.

Does she have Facebook? Post the deets you have on her page. Does he have a page? Post there, too.

Picture in your mind what a badass would do in your situation. Then hold on tight and be that badass. (But no violence)

And, yes, you really can do that. Even if you're afraid. Make a list of the things you would like to be able to do. Figure out how to do just one. Then do that one - even if you're afraid. You can power through your fear to do just one thing. Nothing bad will happen to you.

Wait a day, When that turns out OK, then do another one on your list. Shock and awe may be called for, but if all you can do is baby steps, then do baby steps.

You only have to dial up your badassery a little bit for a few minutes a day and you'll start to see light at the end of your tunnel.

[This message edited by ARock at 3:05 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Smoked,

The OP is obviously in a lot of pain. If you can't be helpful or respectful, please move on to another thread.

Is it possible I will save my marriage even if I contact everybody and she loses her job? Is it possible that the OP wont believe me and will make them stronger together if I tell him?

Is it possible I will save my marriage

It is very, very unlikely she will come out of her affair fog if all you do is wait. Chances of success may be small if you act, but experiences here show that your chances are, indeed, better if you do act. And the more dynamic the action, the better your chances.

Sometimes, to save a marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. People are funny, she may only return to wanting you when she realizes she's lost you.

[This message edited by ARock at 3:02 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

bluelights, right now what is more important than getting the truth is getting control of your own situation. There is a saying that is often said here - You have to be willing to lost the marriage to have the best chance of saving it. That means you do not let your wayward wife decide your fate and the fate of the marriage on her own. The veteran members here have given you steps to get started in controlling your situation.

I myself HIGHLY suggest you get with an attorney ASAP and prepare to file if she plans to move in her affair partner to take your place in the home. Your wife told you her greatest fear and her weakest point, her affair partner finding out that she is married, right? Use that info as your leverage. If she is served divorce papers at work he is going to know and her fantasy world is blown to smithereens. More importantly you will get across to her that you are not accepting her behavior and treatment of you, you are not helping her hide her dirty little affair, you are not allowing her to dictate where you live. If you happen to know the name of that coworker you should consider having him subpoenaed soon after your wife is served. It may not help at all for your divorce process but if he didn't know she was married before he sure as hell will after getting served. On top of that, no single guy wants that kind of drama in his life and he will drop her like a diseased hot potato. Yes, she will be pissed at you but it is the first step in you getting your respect back.

IF and only IF YOU decide to reconcile with her (she cannot be the one to decide if you both reconcile. She has to beg you to consider it) that is when you can demand the TRUTH from her. As long as she doesn't care about you, disrespects you, is still in her affair she has absolutely no incentive to give you any kind of truth.

I now filing for divorce is the scariest step to contemplate, even more to execute. But, divorces do not happen overnight. They take time to finalize. They can be stopped at any time. Ask an attorney how long divorces take in your area and use that time to detach from your wife while she deals with consequences. If she realizes the magnitude of her actions and how they hurt you, if she show you actual remorse and not just regret, then you have a possibility of reconciliation. Right now, she is doing everything and anything to push you right out of her life and what is rightfully your property. She just can't arbitrarily decide to erase you without some legal consequences. Time to deliver some reality to her. DO NOT FEAR LOSING HER OR THE MARRIAGE because inaction is the fastest way for you to lose everything!

I will follow all the advice because it gives me hope to get out of it alive. I am afraid she will do something against me, this is the truth. I wanted to contact the OP from the start because even though I only saw 2 texts, I was able to understand more than she will ever know. I love her and I pay attention to her. I knew then that I did not exist at all because she was always denying me the pleasure of going with her to work related dinners the other spouses would usually go to. I am also afraid she will broke me even more and I have to see a doctor, right now I have no energy to face a shit storm. Other thing, the OP was at my house right after I left, I did not went back afraid of doing something I would regret later. He does not know I am her husband. Maybe she told him I was her brother?

[This message edited by bluelights at 3:19 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

P.s: the OP is not her boss, but he is very influent around her field and I guess it will destroy some good chances for her down the road. I am worth destroying that for her. She could have ended it without consequences, but she choose to destroy me instead. She was very hurtful and she refused to end it, to leave the job etc.

I am afraid she will do something against me, this is the truth.

Like what? Physical harm?

These are concerns you should be talking to an attorney about to determine your best options going forward. If she is this vindictive of a person to try and go after you maybe you need to look at her and that relationship in a different light. It sounds quite toxic to me already. Can you get some individual counseling lined up? Someone who is particularly experienced with infidelity and abusive relationships?

I know the relationship is toxic right now, I know she will try to drag me to my worse state of mind, it is why I am trying to get some energy before I go back to the house. I am also afraid of hurting her exposing her to the OP. See, I am not thinking about me, I try but it is hard. Here is the thing, she did something I cannot forgive, but I wanted to give it a try (wrong move), she said she would try (she did not end the A, showed no remorse, used it to put me out of the house). She changed her mind the minute I walked away. She started telling me the most hurtful things and I am shattered. It is so toxic in a way that I am afraid of her, of losing her forever. I wanted to see her well, but she does not care if I am in that much pain. How to make her care? If she wont I will know and I am sorry I am writing as if I was a child, but I am lost and confused.

[This message edited by bluelights at 3:34 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

what is your status in the marriage. Are you depending on her for finances and other things like housing? Otherwise you do not have to be so passive.

She is not your friend now and may care about you less than a stranger.

Pleading make the wayward even less attracted to you. There is a saying act like ending it to save it. Go back to the house. Do not get emotional. you already know what has happened. Act with a straight back, do your things like the job even better. Doing things in spite of adversity is sexy. Now she knows nothing happens on your part, when you are taking action like telling OM spouse, she will not be able to enjoy her actions. If she get angrier and start acting even worse that is an indication that she is toxic to to and you will be much better without her (even though you may not feel like it now)

[This message edited by goalong at 3:44 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]