SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are in a tough situation.

I only hope your helping hide their affair doesn't embolden him (it does give him control over you) and enable it further.

This wasn't your fault or your doing. It's not on you.

He's pretty bold to show up where you are. That's who he is and he probably feels he has you over a barrel. Not a good place for you to be.

Not a good thing for your wayward wife to see either. IMO you are being way to accommodating to them both at your expense. I hope it doesn't affect your self worth long term.

The other thing is don't be surprised at who all knew.

It's rarely a well kept secret.

I'm sure that'll surface at some point later on.

We've been going back and forth... initially I thought she may be bipolar but I don't think that's right and neither is menopause (obviously).

Today I have been reading quite a few articles about mid-life crisis (she is 48 and a fading beauty). I think this is closer to the mark. All the points (eg. 9 Signs your wife is having a mid-life crisis) I read are spot on.

She needs to be the one figuring this out. What articles has she read on her own and brought to you? Is she talking to an IC?

If it truly is related to a midlife crisis, why did she choose to have an affair to "deal" with it? What is she doing to change herself so that she won't have another affair?

At this time she's probably in self preservation mode.

It's over only because her OM cut her off.

You need to be alert.

If she isn't remourseful it'll manifest itself later

Initially it was a lot of blaming me for what she did but I refused to take all the blame.

You should be taking none of the blame. None. You were in the same marriage she was, right? But did you cheat?

The answer to marital problems is talking to your spouse, working on your marriage, asking for marriage counseling and/or a divorce. The answer to marital problems is never found on another person's genitals. That someone with serious character/moral flaws trying to fill up something they're missing by using another person.

And as far as suspecting if she's bipolar, research borderline personality disorder, as they're often confused/misdiagnosed.

He's pretty bold to show up where you are.

All our other friends were asking where he was, two of his daughters were there and he is normally there watching over them. He came over and stood away from us. After many looks back and forth and then realizing that if I want to keep this private I need to go over and speak with him. I don't know if I had a choice.

I hope it doesn't affect your self worth long term.

Me too, it is already taking it's toll. However the more I think about it the stronger my resolve gets.

Not a good thing for your wayward wife to see either.

No, that's true. Raw emotion all round.

IMO you are being way to accommodating to them both at your expense.

True

It's rarely a well kept secret.

I know you're right, I am just trying to do the right thing right now (or what I think is the right thing).

She needs to be the one figuring this out. What articles has she read on her own and brought to you? Is she talking to an IC?

She was the one that mentioned it to me, I then jump on it like a buffalo. I am going to leave it alone now and let her sort it out.

Yes we are seeing a therapist and will start with IC soon (we had one session each).

why did she choose to have an affair to "deal" with it?

I don't know.

What is she doing to change herself so that she won't have another affair?

She has committed to not doing it again, what suggestions do you have ?

You need to be alert.

I am alert, maybe too much so. However am I supposed to run interference all my life ? Is there not a point where I can do all that I can do ? If it happens again I have committed to myself and to her that she needs to go.

What is she doing to change herself so that she won't have another affair?

She has committed to not doing it again, what suggestions do you have ?

Her words don't mean a thing.

Skip MC and let her get some IC.

You want to go through this again?

She doesn't fix herself she's already proven the capability is there.

why did she choose to have an affair to "deal" with it?

I don't know.

What is she doing to change herself so that she won't have another affair?

She has committed to not doing it again, what suggestions do you have ?

These are the things she needs to be figuring out for herself. The questions she needs to be exploring with her IC.

thisIstMe: It sounds as if your wife is coming around, and that is great! But, don’t fall into the same trap I did 28 years ago. My wife told me “it was over”, she was sorry, she’d never do it again, cried a river, etc., etc., & etc. About a year later, I caught her again. Her AP was a workmate and “after the dust settled”, she and he pickup up where they left off. Don’t go through this!

Instead, request access to all her social accounts, emails, texts, phone records, everything. If she says, “No,” then she just wants to placate you and keep her AP. If she acquiesces, then she is showing remorse and cooperation. Request she write an email or text to the AP which includes the fact you now know about them and there is to be no more contact of any kind. Children are not to play together anymore. If they see each other at the store, parties, etc., NO CONTACT. She will tell you immediately any time he tries to contact her and will not open any texts, emails, etc. You will have the right to decide what to do with them. You need to see and approve this email/text before she sends it out, and you watch her hit the "send" button. Check the account a few minutes later to be sure the message didn't get returned. (That's a trick some use to fool you into thinking they sent the message to the AP, but in reality they sent it to the wrong address.)

Both you and she should immediately get checked for STI’s and HIV. NO SEX until you both get back a clean report.

Both of you get into IC. Something in her head told her it was ok for her to cheat on you, and it is not!! Unless this issue is addressed and resolved, she will either find another BF and/or return to this one. And just because he moves out of town, this doesn’t necessarily put a stop to the relationship. My wife was invited to Akron when her BF was going there for a weekend seminar. She wanted to go but couldn’t arrange it that quickly. (That’s code for: I can’t come up with a viable lie to my husband so I can meet you there and F*** your brains out all weekend long, but I sure wish I could!)

You will get other, really good advice on what to do next, so listen to these people. They have already been through this crap and can help you avoid unnecessary pain and delays in getting either your house in order, or realize you should D this woman.

We all want you to have a happy, healthy life, and you deserve to have that. Just remember that here you are not alone.

Instead, request access to all her social accounts, emails, texts, phone records, everything.

I have access to all her accounts (real time) without her knowledge. I also ask to look at her phone each day, to which she complies.

In all your talks, did she ever explain what she meant by: “you stopped it! You did not let it run its course” (from your first thread). Did she mean she would have stopped it herself? Why would anyone believe that? Did she really think she was entitled to an affair and run it down to an empty tank before coming back spent to you?

I know something about the years when physical beauty starts to fade. What else does she have to make a mark on the world? Has her identity always been tied to her appearance? That is something for her to dig deep on in IC.

Demand she gets tested for STDs immediately, full panel (you should too), also contact an attorney and have him draw up a postnuptial agreement in your favor (no alimony and she doesn't touch your pension/retirement) in case she cheats again in the future, remember she's now a proven cheater and a liar therefore you should protect yourself and your family.

On the OM......leave him be. You have fence around your yard. Your wife opens the gate and intentionally let’s a stray dog in. It proceeds to crap all over your lawn. Do you blame the dog?

As far as reclaiming Friday night goes. She went apartment shopping and then decided she wanted to give the marriage a go. Then she suggests sex.

IMO, you should watch out for manipulation. It called the Pussy Coma. Some cheaters figure they can cloud your reasoning ability with sex. They think, well if my Genitalia got me what I wanted before (from the AP) then maybe it can get me what I want now.

And many times it works.

Just be aware.

In all your talks, did she ever explain what she meant by: “you stopped it! You did not let it run its course” (from your first thread). Did she mean she would have stopped it herself? Why would anyone believe that? Did she really think she was entitled to an affair and run it down to an empty tank before coming back spent to you?

She explained it like this "All my life I've lived by some mans rules, first my fathers and now yours, this is the first time that I felt truly in control of any situation. Now you and this guy (OM) have conspired and dictated the ending. I should have done it".

Trust me, I know how that sounds... nuts! yes I know. The thing is, it wouldn't have ended before it had run its course. In no world would this situation not have ended in tears.

I know something about the years when physical beauty starts to fade. What else does she have to make a mark on the world? Has her identity always been tied to her appearance? That is something for her to dig deep on in IC.

I wouldn't say her identity was always tied to her appearance but she always knew she was really pretty. She's an accomplished and highly valued school teacher.

contact an attorney and have him draw up a postnuptial agreement in your favor (no alimony and she doesn't touch your pension/retirement)

I am starting to listen to this advice, I am not there yet but I am listening.

thisIstMe: I’m glad to hear you’re listening. Don’t stop. It will sink in and make sense after a while, and you’ll get enough courage to start acting. The longer you wait, though, the more mess you’ll have to wade through.

I’m glad you have access to her communications, even though she’s not aware. Since she’s allowing you to look through her phone, she is probably suspecting you’re looking at everything. That’s a good sign.

When my wife found out I learned something from her texts, etc., she began deleting them. The communications from her favorite BF she deleted right away, and she made sure she got everything. I just found a few tidbits here and there she overlooked. Be aware your wife may do the same. When I found something related to my WW’s BFs, I sent a copy to my work email. There is it secure from her, and even if she does get into it and erase items, I can have them retrieved from the archives.

You never know how waywards will react, so be prepared to witness some really immature, stupid stuff!

I felt truly in control of any situation

.

“I chose to do this. I knew what I was doing and I did it anyways”

Some man's rules? What sort of bullshit is that? Most wedding vows include an express promise to forsake all others. This was an Express promise she made to you. In other words, it's her rules.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:40 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

In other words, it's her rules.

That's what I said "but you chose me, I wasn't forced onto you"

this1stMe, I question the change of heart when returning from apartment shopping compared to before she left. It seems off to me. I wonder if she contacted/saw her AP and he dropped her or said to make up with you.

A technique from Cheater 101 is hoovering. When you here a sucking sound it could be the Hoover vacuum cleaner sucking you back in. Damage control. Put everything on hold until she can figure things out.

Actions are louder than words. The actions have to be lasting. If they're fake they will peter out because they're difficult to do long term.

Don't waste your money on MC (marriage counselling) until you truly have a fully remorseful WW. There's a risk of revictimization of the betrayed spouse. She definitely needs to go to IC and you probably should to. 70% of betrayeds suffer from PTSD. MC may try to shift some blame because of marital issues to you. Totally wrong.

All of this is on her. None on you. Adultery is 100% on the adulterer.

In a small town or community it's hard to keep secrets. Someone sees something and asks someone who asks someone. Other husbands in the community may not want him hanging around where their wives are if they knew his reputation.

Update

We both got very drunk last night *Never a good way to start any sentence*

Be that as it may, she said some devastating things.

I don't love you anymore.

I fell in love with this OM. I'm sorry but I did.

You are my best friend but I don't feel that way about you anymore.

I need time by myself to work it out.

I told her that she was delusional if she thought that after 2 weeks this guy would take her into his home and make her the mother/caregiver of his children. That they would move away together and live happily ever after. What about his children, does she think that they would just accept her in place of their real mother ? She was furious (which was enlightening!)... which means that she is still harboring those thoughts towards him. I said that all she's had is the very start of the honeymoon stage. She doesn't know what it's like day in and day out with this OM. I really think she is living in fantasy land. I said to her, picture yourself saying goodbye to your own children. It is like she's blocked her own children out.

We decided last night she needs to go find herself an apartment.

I have no idea what she is going to wake up like this morning and what she is going to say but I really think she needs to go and sort herself out.

I am going to find myself a D lawyer tomorrow.

I don't deserve to be treated this way.