SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Crispy -

I'm not angry at all. If what i said doesn't get her to pull her head out of her ass and realize what she's about to lose, then nothing will.

You say you won't be plan B, but that's exactly what you are doing. She is staying with you because she can't go to the OM, for whatever reason. Tti ou are Plan B.

There is a benefit to the deadline I set. It gives me a chance to try and save at least one of my businesses. It's a partnership and (if I'm willing to trust my business partner) I can release it from the settlement.

In my heart, I know what's coming. But I just can't drop the hammer yet. Still clinging to hope. I'm weak I suppose.

These two things are not joined at the hip. You can play the long game and buy time to get your business figured out. But that does not mean you need to torture yourself in the meantime. Hopium (Irrational or unwarranted optimism) does not have to be your default state.

You can detach. If not physically, as in her leaving the house, then at least emotionally. You need to break out of this spin cycle with her.

And honestly. Why do you want to be with her? What value does she bring to the relationship? For crying out loud she is torpedoing her whole life over a 2 day vacation screw-a-thon, and some texting. That is some seriously unstable stuff. Even if by some miracle she wakes up, whats to keep someone that unstable from making an equally frivolous decision later?

Do you think you deserve better than her?

So you had a good life, a family, a home, and out of the blue, your WW falls in love with another man.

When that happens, our first reaction is to try to quickly fix things so that we can get back to our happy life. This is totally normal and a lot of us react that way.

We know how it is and we want to save you from further pain, because, well, a lot of us have been there and got the t-shirt.

When your WW chose to fall in love (because she allowed herself to get emotionally involved), she broke her vows, broke your marriage, hurt you and (eventually) hurt your child for selfish reasons.

It doesn’t matter if the AP is rich or poor, what language he speaks and whether he’s a Casanova. It’s all irrelevant. What matters is your WW actions.

You can’t control her. You can’t make her see the truth and come back to you. She controls herself and you control your actions.

So right now, for your sake and your child sake, you need to get out of infidelity. The choices are either R or D, but you can’t R alone, so your only option at this point is to proceed towards D.

Like others have said, don’t do anything for her, don’t interact with her, don’t eat with her, sleep in the same room, she is no longer your wife. Do the 180 for your own sake. She is free to talk to the AP or not. You follow Your plan for your D and execute it. It will be hard but there’s no other choice for you.

If she has an epiphany and changes her behavior realizes what she’s about to lose and sees how much pain she is causing, and you still want to R, let us know and we’ll tell you how this usually goes.

I wish you a lot of strength, we’ve been through this and in the long run, we can tell you that you’ll be just fine!

Perhaps buy her a ticket back to that distant land of fantasy so she can find him and either live the life she dreams of or realize the guy truly is a piece of shit.

In the meantime you can work on what you need to get done with your businesses and work with lawyers on your best path out.of infidelity.

The investment in the plane ticket will probably pay dividends either emotionally if she snaps out of it or financially if she decides to stay and pursue him.

What led to this trip. What do you know about how thy met. Did she go with friends who let her pursue this con man?

What led to this trip. What do you know about how thy met. Did she go with friends who let her pursue this con man?

The trip was a planned girls holiday. She originally planned to travel with her cousin, but she has been diagnosed with breast cancer. So she travelled with her sister instead.

The pick up was made in a bar. WW says that OM didn't mind that she was married (nice guy). They danced.

Second night WW returns to bar without sister. Goes back to his apartment and fucks until the early hours.

Sister claims to have tried to convince her not to return to the bar.

Looking at their conversation when WW returned home. The OM was feeding her fantasy and offering affirmations of true love. IMO it was done to persuade WW to send naked selfies.

This situation screams of mid-life crisis. Approaching 50, menopausal, cousin diagnosed with cancer and feeling that life was passing by.

Our relationship was very stale before the holiday. We had grown apart and rarely had sex. She claimed to have lost sex drive due to menopause, But we did maintain some intimate contact.

I'm pretty sure she has never cheated before. She admitted as much in her chats with the OM.

Not that any of that matters.

We're still living together and talking. There is no intimate connection between us. It feels pretty over to me, but damn this hopium is a powerful drug.

WWs only respect strong, firm action

Thanks for responding. I’m being serious when I say to buy her a plane ticket back to be with him. Honestly it’s the only way I see to get the fantasy out of her head.

And it will give you time to breathe and decide how to move forward financially.

In the meantime I’d stop doing anything for her. Let her know your willing to work on the relationship but not while she’s still pining away for another man.

Have you talked to her sister? What does she say about what happened and what’s going thru your WWs mind?

Now go online and get her that flight back to her dream guy. She’ll find out very soon he only wants her when he knows there’s no responsibility attached.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:26 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]

She claimed to have lost sex drive due to menopause

Clearly that's not the case. Sounds more like a case of "husband-pause"- as in, put the husband on pause while she chases her boyfriend.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:05 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]

Agreeing with the above (Butforthegrace)

At this point, she is being faithful to her boyfriend, and her husband is in the way of her "true love".

I think the plane ticket is a good idea to help with D, I’m not sure it would help with R if she were to see the light and come back.

I agree with the others. She's made you her plan B. And only sticking around for the financial security.

A timeframe to her will translate to "now I have more time to have the best of both worlds and come up with a plan to extend it"

I have suggested the plane ticket option a couple of times during our "discussions". Shes not taken me up on it.

The truth is that is a route to D. No way I'm going to let her test ride (again) the prick and then take her back if it doesn't work out. No way.

Things escalated last night. When asked what she wants to do: be with OM.

Me: Why are you still here then?

Her: Because I'm fighting that desire every day.

She knows how to push my buttons.

The change in her personality is dramatic. Previously a devoted wife and mother who hated to be apart, now she has told friends she regrets marriage and having a child.

I find it hard to believe she hid this attitude for 18 years. I suppose people change, but not over night surely?

It is kind of like a spell. The intrusive thoughts dominate her, but are lessening. Or so she says.

So maybe I'm being played. But it's an amazing act from someone who's never shown acting skill like it before!

Cr1spy, you are not weak. You are dealing with one of the hardest things anyone can experience.

Start the 180. Your WW is doing it to you. Since you believe that D is inevitable, show her that you won't be Plan B. Don't interact with her. Don't give her the opportunity to reject you. Put your focus on preparing for the D and protecting yourself and your family.

Do whatever you can to protect your business interests. Go talk to a lawyer and see what you can do to help yourself.

If your WW decides to pull her head out of her ass, you can always stop things. Take control back for yourself.

WWs only respect strong, firm action

I personally think strong firm action is needed no matter the gender of the Wayward

Why are you here? Are you just here to vent? Can't be for advice since you're straight up doing the opposite of what you're advised. If you want to lose your marriage, you don't need to come here to get advice then do the opposite, you can just go ahead and divorce.

"The change in her personality is dramatic. Previously a devoted wife and mother who hated to be apart, now she has told friends she regrets marriage and having a child.

I find it hard to believe she hid this attitude for 18 years. I suppose people change, but not over night surely?"

Yeah, my fiance wanted a career-focused, money making, independent, child-free world traveler (me) for five years. Always complained about wanting more money (we both brought in great salaries already, but he wanted boats and exotic trips and beach houses!) Raved about my intellect and college degrees.

Yet apparently has always secretly wanted a two-bedroom apartment full of kids (including two that aren't even his that he'll be adopting!), a housewife, and took a 20 grand PAYCUT when he left his job after his affair was discovered at work (she was his subordinate). She's also dumb as a box of rocks, which I'm sure makes him feel like a genius.

I have NO IDEA what is in their heads when they claim they've always wanted Life B while they were happily living in Life A.

I think they are definitely full of shit, though. Sorry, I have no advice for you, just solidarity. Anyone else further along than us that can provide some insight into this??

Why are you here? Are you just here to vent? Can't be for advice since you're straight up doing the opposite of what you're advised

Whoa, that's a bit aggressive. I'm making progress and attempting the 180. Just Not very successfully yet.

How I handle this is my choice. I'm listening to the comments and adjusting my behaviour as I see fit.

Am I not welcome here?

I'm not venting, just giving you additional information. Advice like Buy her a plane ticket, isn't going to work. So I thought it good to let you know it's been mentioned.

I'm not ready to rush for divorce. Trying to find my path. Maybe she is a hate filled bitch looking for my destruction and humiliation. But that isn't the woman I've loved for half my adult life.

Peace brother. Let me find my way through this. There is so much to lose, I don't want to rush a decision based on anger and emotion.

I may be very wrong, in fact probably am. But I'm holding out a while longer.

[This message edited by Cr1spy at 12:08 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]

Go back and read 'The1stWife' post again 'Cr1spy'. It's not written in anger, it's written as a warning if you don't take action.

Your best option at this point to save whatever businesses and future you have is to encourage your WW to take a plane back to the other man. Offer a one-way ticket and set her up with a 'little' spending money but not enough to get a ticket back.

In the meantime while she's thinking about it, do what 'The1stWife' said and start living your life without her. Separate your finances and 'stuff' so she can't claim and waste your money and things. Start living as a single father and don't ask anything of your STBX. Stop talking to her altogether unless it's absolutely necessary and about your child. Take control of all finances. Take control of all activities. Talk to friends and family about what's going on, not as a way to shame your WW but just to give you people to share with. Get with a solicitor and determine your options.

Talk to your WW and offer to take full custody of your child and to divorce her peaceably so she can go and pursue her 'love' interests. Fling the door wide open for her to leave and offer that you'll handle everything so she doesn't have any worries about the child or about anything else at home.

The point is to get yourself free from the drama filled person you're married to. She doesn't want to be there so make it as easy and pleasant as possible for her to get free from her marriage and her child, and pursue her other 'interests' alone. Don't ever pine for her in front of her. Your marriage is over at this point; it's just a matter of time. Give your WW what she wants. If you follow this formula you might find yourself surprised at how great your and your daughter's life can become.

I think the POSOM doesn't want her. She said he didn't care that she was married but that was in the context of having sex with her for a couple of nights while she was on vacation. He kept up the contact over text and got some nudes that might right now be on the Internet and he has surely shared with his friends. He hasn't contacted her in 3 weeks once you got involved because it didn't mean anything to him and he has moved on to less complicated relationships.

Does he live in this vacation spot that your WW visited? If it is some resort area he is probably doing this ALL OF THE TIME. Your WW is not special. She was the flavor of the week (or weekend or night). The fact that she can't see this is crazy to me. She was used and she has thrown away her character and likely her marriage for this guy.

To me you are asking the wrong questions throughout this whole thread. The question you should be asking is "Will I want her back when she eventually comes crawling to me?" Because this is what is going to happen. It is almost surely what is going to happen. You'll have to answer that for yourself. For me, with this continued disrespect and pining for the POSOM, the answer would be no but you decide for you. What everyone on here is saying is that if you want to make this happen don't continue to do what you are doing. Start disengaging from her now. Force her to have some consequences for what she has done. Start the Divorce process. There is no reason you can't start the 180, tell her you are divorcing, tell her you are done, while simultaneously working out things with your partner. Wait until the advantageous time for you to file because I assume assets would be frozen in the status quo when that happens but end this limbo with her.

You're thinking right now "Yea but what if I do this and she chooses him?" Well to that the answer is good riddance. Would you want her to stay if she wants to be with him? Again the question you should ask is "Do I want her to stay if she says she chooses me?" That is what is important and you can only decide that rationally when you've gotten a little distance from her which is what the 180 is meant to do. Give you some breathing space, Separate yourself a bit from the immediate emotion you have of wanting to hang onto what is yours and to win. This is not a competition with the other man. If you "win" you need to be very clear about the prize. Right now you would be winning a woman that threw away all of those years with you, the happiness of your child, and the financial security of her family for a player she met in a bar while on vacation. That is no prize in my book.

It most definitely is your choice how to handle it. But I have to tell you, my first thought when I read your story was to suggest you buy her a one-way ticket and send her to him.

And yes, people can change like that overnight. My XWH did. I've read things that explain the change due to various chemicals in the brain. Dopamine for one. She got a big dose of dopamine by her sexual escapades with him and in her mind, the only way she can achieve that "high" again is with him. Which leaves you as nothing more than a footnote in her biography.

But hey, try it your way. You might be that one except to the rule. The biggest downside for you is, getting D later down the road will cost you more. If you do it right now, she's more likely to agree to getting less because she envisions lots of happiness ahead and doesn't think she'll need money or income from you.