SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I hear you all. I really do.

I'm taking a long weekend vacation on my own from tomorrow. Going to walk in the hills, paddle around lakes and think think think.

Am I willing to lose it to save it...? That needs to be answered this weekend.

Cr1spy, I've posted this for other members before but I am not the author. Hope this helps.

Just Let Them Go

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

Whoa, that's a bit aggressive. I'm making progress and attempting the 180. Just Not very successfully yet.

How I handle this is my choice. I'm listening to the comments and adjusting my behaviour as I see fit.

Am I not welcome here?

Crispy, you are absolutely welcome here. NuckingFuts overstepped and will be taking a little break. As many here say, take what you need and leave the rest.

Bud, time away will bring much clarity to you. Which is what you badly need at this time. The 180 if applied will help you a lot as well.

This isn't the end of your world. You will get through this like many others have no matter which way this goes.

Get strong and stay there. You'll come out of this much better.

JDuff, that sounds a lot like T D Jakes. He was on Dr Phil show one day. I had never heard of him. Looked him up and found this.......”if they walk away, let them go”.

Thanks for the response about the plane ticket.

FYI, Just the fact that you are here and discussing it puts you far ahead of 95% of the BS’s in the world.

Keep thinking, posting and working thru this.

Just don’t let her walk all over you. Make it clear that a wife who is pining away for someone else and not making you her priority and showing you love is of no interest to you.

It’s ok to let her know how broken your heart is, but make sure you let her know that if she’s not going to help heal it your gonna take all your energy to heal it on your own, away from her.

You don’t have to serve papers to start detaching and moving on. Serve them when you are good and ready.

But you can move on without D.

If she comes with you and shows up crying on her knees pleading with a written plan for rebuilding your relationship in her hand, then great, you can decide then what you want to do.

Until that happens you’re on your own. You no longer have a true partner in life. Don’t treat her as such until she feels the same.

Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:10 PM, July 12th (Friday)]

I agree with the fact that she was used and got sucked into it. The OM sounds like a BIG DOUCHE that does this all the time. How nice and easy for him that she lives in another country and he doesn't have to deal with her on a full time schedule.

I would just about guarantee that if she went to him and made herself available or even made demands on him that she would be dropped on her head.

This guy is a player and he just played your wife like a fiddle.

I am sure he doesn't want to deal with an ex husband and a kid. He wanted a piece of ass and some nudity pics and then when it gets complicated he's out.

Things escalated last night. When asked what she wants to do: be with OM.

This is an important piece of information. You should believe her no matter how much it hurts...

At this point in time, at this moment, you don’t have much choice. She’s in "love" with someone else and she is "forced" to stay with you. You can’t make her do anything, it will have to come from her, if she ever wakes up from it.

You will need to mourn you marriage and the wife you had. Suggest that you don’t do that alone, lean on a close friend or family member...

Some posters here had infidelity forced down their throats 20... 30 years ago and after all this time, they feel the need to help others. Take care of yourself, value yourself, and I wish you strength

Jduff has hit the nail on the head.

STOP and respect yourself.

I'm kicking my WW to the curb and the papers are filed in the morning.

Please RESPECT yourself or nobody ever will.

Crispy. I’m sorry you are going through this situation.

Yes I too saw my H go from being a good H and great dadcto having an Affair and wanting a D. In fact he went inside of one month to demanding a divorce.

I did not know about SI at the time so I was on my own just using my own common sense and wits.

Thing I regret was allowing him to pine away in front of me. I regret not telling him to “get the hell out” and sticking to it.

My suggestions to detach was meant to protect you from being subjected to any additional pain as a result of her cheating.

If you think of the Affair like an addiction it can explain so much, such as the choices made to cheat, the complete change in behavior etc.

Hope the weekend away helps you. She can come out if the fog at any time but only she can decide to do so. Nothing you say or do can change that unfortunately. I wasted six months thinking I could get my H to see what a mistake he was making.

The only thing I can control is me and my reaction to him. That is it.

A weekend away will certainly do you good.

Try and relax and think of your next steps.

Your wife is NOT your wife any more, she is totally sucked in a fantasy land, she has turned into a love struck teenager....

Have you exposed her behaviour to her family apart from her sister who knows?

It might help researching the international Casanova. Is he married? Exposing him to his wife will most likely lead to him throwing your wife under a bus. Only then she will experience reality.

However, think clearly whether at this point of her crushing down, you want to be there for her as you are just being a plan B for her. Is this acceptable for you?

Good luck.

Here's a true story. I had a team commander who had a Japanese wife. Whenever they had a marital disagreement she would storm out of the house with the threat of going back to Japan. She would stay gone several hours. One day he got tired of the threat. They had a disagreement, she left the house with "I'm going to go back to Japan" threat in her wake. He had prepared for this knowing it would eventually happen again. When she returned home, several hours later, she found all her suitcases packed and standing in the foyer. On top of her suitcases was a one way ticket to Japan. She stayed, of course, but she never made the threat nor stormed out of house again. Pack your wife's bags and get her a one way ticket. Tell her if she uses it then she can never return back to you. If she doesn't use it then she has to start acting like your wife or you're done. Take some advice from an old soldier. "You can't win a war by hiding in a foxhole." I do wish you well.

Thanks for the comments, love the one way ticket and packed bags idea.

Sorry to say the news is not great. Looked at WW phone Just before leaving on my weekend. Discovered she created a brand new Facebook profile in order to send more messages. OM blocked on her other profile.

Shes sent him a handful of messages, begging for him to contact her. There has been no reply.

No contact was my final boundary. Shes broken my trust again and that can't be tollerated.

I've told her we are over. Will need to sort out her alternative accommodation when I get back.

My daughter will be devastated and in truth so am I.

Thanks to all for your advice. I've finally run out of hope for my hopium pipe.

i think the definition of "affair fog" is something like:

description of the actions of a selfish asshole who doesn't care about the feelings of people who love them.

i follow this every day and i honestly dont care now if she comes back or not. my real heartbreak goes towards my kids, not me, nor her.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW (Walk Away Wife) back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

Hopium is a terrible addiction that I battle with every day. It annoys me that governments worldwide have banned the reasonably unoffensive cannabis, LSD, etc, but that you can pick up Hopium in all areas of life. I was sucking on a Hopium pipe on the god damn bus today, FFS. So public and shameless.

I've told her we are over. Will need to sort out her alternative accommodation when I get back.

My daughter will be devastated and in truth so am I.

Thanks to all for your advice. I've finally run out of hope for my hopium pipe.

I'm sorry for you. This was a predictable outcome given her behavior but it is nevertheless sad. Take care of yourself and your daughter. Make that your priority for now. In time you will look back on this point as the time you started getting your life back on track even though it is going to be painful. Keep posting here if you'd like to vent. There is support here. Take a look at the Divorce/Separation forum and post there as well. Good luck.

Cr1spy,

It takes time but you will get through this. Take care of yourself and your daughter.

Cr1spy - I just read this thread, and knew she had to still be in contact w/ OM the level of limerence was just too high.

I am glad that you found that information out now.

I would encourage you to plan and organize while away this weekend.

Be sure to include things like therapy for your child (she will be devastated, and she needs a neutral 3rd party to talk to about it). Separate your funds now before you go away so that she doesn't clean you out while gone.

She seems quite desperate and desperate people make bad decisions. Protect yourself as much as you can. Find a good Solicitor when you return, and prepare to fight for what is right.

Is OM married? It’s odd that he blocked her. Is he way out of her league or something? I’ve quite honestly never heard of a regular dude blocking a women who he just had sex with a few weeks ago without something major which could impact *his* life happening