SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all,

I've spent a lot of time reading posts in these forums looking for some hope. But I'm not finding much that leads me to my wish hope (unicorn) of reconciliation.

Situation: Together 18 years, married for 11. Have 10 YO daughter. I'm 46 and WW 49.

I have a question on limerence:

Is there any hope she will come out of the "fog" and taste some reality? The situation she believes is so far from the real world, it would be funny if I wasn't so desperately destroyed.

Some background on the affair.

My WW appears to be deep in limerence over her 2 day vacation fling (PA) and subsequent stexting relationship.

We're 11 weeks from DDay and 3 weeks from her last attempt to contact him.

The OM has not returned contact for 6 weeks (AFAICT).

The OM lives in another country and they do not share a common language. Communication was done using google translate! But this does not stop him being her "Soulmate".

The OM facebook friend list looks like a trophy wall of female conquests. Sadly again, this does not deter WW from projecting a perfect persona onto the guy.

She honestly thinks he's sitting there waiting for her to break NC and let him know we're separated so they can be together.

The logistics of a possible relationship are ridiculous, however she thinks that a long distance relationship is a real possibility.

Since discovery that I was on to them, the OM has not shown much interest in pursuing the relationship.

She’s unlikely to snap out of it unless you give her a reason to do so. Fear of losing the M is sometimes enough for a WS to pull their head from their ass. What have you done or said to her to suggest that her current behavior makes the M untenable?

Exposure may help. It's not your job to help hide their affair.

You can talk till your blue in the face but that won't get you a thing.

You are currently in limbo. Which is a self imposed state.

Wake up to reality and deal with it or you'll remain where you are.

So she's hiding under the security blanket of fantasy land.

What will rip that blanket off? A harsh dose of reality.

You can talk until blue in the face but she won't realize she's being played by the International Cat-fishing Cassanova.

You focus on you. Get strong and healthy for you and your daughter.

Up to her if she gets her head out of her ass or sits by her computer growing cobwebs while she waits for ICC to come swooping in on his Pegasus along with the tooth fairy and Easter bunny.

What have you done or said to her to suggest that her current behavior makes the M untenable?

We attended 5 sessions of MC directly after DDay. That resulted in the councillor advising us to try a trail separation.

I'm not willing to do a "Trial" separation because WW has admitted that she would attempt contact with the OM. I'm not willing to be a back up Plan B if she that does't work out.

It felt to soon to call off our 18 year relationship. So she agreed to start IC and to try working on the marriage. We remained together.

Fast forward to today; we have had no physical contact other than a forced hug when she leaves on the morning school run. Every advance I have made is rejected. I finally got her to admit today that she cannot stop thinking about the OM and cannot show any affection while stuck there.

We have now imposed on a deadline for this madness to end. If there is no change in her by end of AUG, we separate.

I really don't want this. I've explored the financial aspect of separating and it's disastrous. I will basically lose the family home both my business. UK law is completely biased towards the mother in these situations and (as she earns very little) I will responsible for continued financial support.

Coming from a childhood affected by divorce, I never wanted this for my daughter. She is an only child and will be devastated.

And the most miserable point is that I'm still madly deeply in love WW.

We are both in IC but not CC at the moment.

Okay - the 30 second version is she is in the Affair Fog state for some guy in a foreign country and there is a language issue. No contact from OM for a number of weeks yet she believes he is Mr Wonderful and they have a chance at true happiness.

She has shown no interest in you or the marriage.

Sooooooo she’s living very comfortable in your home with your money YET wishing she was with another guy. I went through the same thing. The Affair Fog went on for months until the affair resumed. Then the fog lifted but I was being played by him.

Nothing you can say or do will get her to change her feelings and put the marriage first. However - YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ALLOW THIS IN YOUR HOME. if she wants to line away for Mr Wonderful then let her do it somewhere else.

Yiu are allowing her to disrespect you.

It’s time to read up on the 180. You and your child need to start doing things together and excluding her mom. This is not family time - this is you need to stop witnessing her drama time.

Yiu eat dinner with your child. Wife not included. You play a game or go to the park. Wife not included.

Inform her that you are not tolerating this behavior one more minute. Stop doing nice things for her. Detach. And if she gets mad and goes running to the OM then at least you found out her intentions.

Get a custody agreement in place. Now.

I literally told my H I was done watching him line away for the OW. Three or four times I told him to man up and say what he wanted and go and be with her. It was obvious what he wanted. Then he would become a coward and tell me he didn’t want to be with her. Two says later it was obvious he was in the Affair Fog b/c he could only hold it together for 24 hours before his emotions got the best of him.

Doing the 180 is to help you to stop dealing with her infidelity. Only she can stop her feelings for the OM. I just hope it’s not too late.

Separation is a prelude to divorce usually. A bad MC in these situations can cause more damage.

Her head is still in the affair. Unless that changes you have nothing to work with. Think about targeted exposure.

OM's wife would be a good place to start. UK laws are weird so be careful. Know the law there.

I'm not willing to do a "Trial" separation because WW has admitted that she would attempt contact with the OM. I'm not willing to be a back up Plan B if she that does't work out.

Good for you. At least she was honest enough here. I'm sorry for your situation but read what you said here. You are not willing to be a Plan B but your behavior to date, giving her till the end of August after 18 years together versus 2 DAYS with the POSOM. I know divorce sucks. I know from my own experience that it is a financial mess especially when it happens because of infidelity from your partner and you still have to pay but your WW is not giving you a lot of choice here.

She is telling you to learn to settle for being Plan B. If you really can't do that then you need to start the D process and see what you can do to get the best deal you can. I recognize that your child is going to suffer as well. I'm sorry for that. You are not the source of that suffering.

You want to wake her up?

To hell with trying to convince her that you're the one or whatever and to hell with trying to win her back.

She needs to win you back. Let her know that right now, she is no longer your wife. Tell her that if she wants a future with you, that she needs to convince you that she's worth your time and worth you taking a chance on her after she has thrown you away like garbage...thrown you away after 18 years of you being a loyal husband and providing for her...thrown you away for a guy that has done absolutely nothing for her other than use her for a couple days of no strings attached sex.

Tell her that for now, she's nothing more than your roommate. Tell her that the marital relationship was terminated by her. She fired you as her husband and gave another guy the job. So that said, tell her that she no longer gets to enjoy the privileges she used to enjoy when having you as a husband.

No more coming to pick her up when her car breaks down. No more getting her ass out of trouble when she gets in over her head with things. If your kids is with her, then yes, otherwise no.

No more helping her fix shit that gets broken. Her new OM can do that stuff for her now.

No more being her handyman.

No more going to the store for her, no more picking her clothes up at the dry cleaner.

No more laughter and joking around or deep conversations about life and family. No more affection, no more sex, no more friendship, no more understanding, no more being there for her when she needs an ally against the onslaughts of every day life.

No more money or support from you.

That is what she gave up when she gave you up. That is what her OM is there for now.

Tell her that you'll be filing very soon, and once she is served, she has until it's final to convince you to she's worth it for you to call it off.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 7:21 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

I really don't want this. I've explored the financial aspect of separating and it's disastrous. I will basically lose the family home both my business. UK law is completely biased towards the mother in these situations and (as she earns very little) I will responsible for continued financial support.

She knows this. She's also essentially told you that she still wants the OM..you know she knows and...nothing happened. She still has her life, nothing has changed except her options.

No point in imposing a deadline, also if this is not a dealbreaker and her still pining over the man she banged is not a dealbreaker then if this OM doesn't work out she can find another. There are always others.

We attended 5 sessions of MC directly after DDay. That resulted in the councillor advising us to try a trail separation.

Marriage counseling is a waste of time.

Your wife’s infidelity is not the result of marital problems or issues.

Your marriage does not need counseling.

Infidelity is NOT the result of any marital “failure”.

Infidelity is a PERSONAL failure on the part of the one committing infidelity.

It has nothing to do with you.

Your wife definitely needs counseling to find out the long hidden, deep-seated emotional issues she has that is her basis for rationalizing her despicable behavior.

This marriage counselor is worthless.

In recommending a “trial separation”, he is only facilitating your wife’s continued infidelity.

Drop this marriage counselor.

Do NOT play the “Pick me!” dance for her.

She is not a prize you are in competition for.

It is not a matter of her choosing you or the fantasy adultery guy.

It is solely YOUR choice as to whether you want to attempt to reconcile with someone who can so easily toss you, your child, and her family away for some worthless piece of shit, or whether you want to be liberated from her world of infidelity, lies, blaming, and childish fantasies.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 2:02 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

She doesn't want to have sex with you because in her mind that would be cheating on OM, she's being faithful to him, at this point your M is a sham, plus a two day vacation was all it took for her to have sex with another man, this tells me it's very likely this was not her first rodeo. She's still in the A, at this point you don't have anything to work with, she knows he's still in control of deciding what to do, take that option away from her and push her over the fence, lawyer up and file for D and EXPOSE her with ALL family and close friends both without warning, and of course OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) if any, if D papers and full exposure don't shock her back to reality, nothing will, if so just let the D run its course and get out of infidelity, don't forget to get tested for STDs (she should too).

Keep posting frequently, this is a crucial time and the collective wisdom of SI may help you navigate this difficult situation, we've seen it play out THOUSANDS of times, yes every case is different but cheaters typically follow a script.

I don't know, it may be her first rodeo.

If she was a regular cheater she'd know the fling was all about the sex, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas sort of thong.

If OTOH this was a first, then she may think the A is some sort of lightning bolt to change her life, she's discovered true love and wants to be with OM.

I'd consider telling her to go see the OM in another country, you love her so much you won't stand in her way of happiness. Pack her bag, call her bluff. Then do the hard 180

Expose, expose, expose...scorched earth, with evidence if you have it.

Burn her world to the ground around her every way you can...at this point it seems the only way to possibly get through to her.

One of the reasons I took so long to post here is I knew what everyone would say. Theres always so much anger (understandably).

There is a benefit to the deadline I set. It gives me a chance to try and save at least one of my businesses. It's a partnership and (if I'm willing to trust my business partner) I can release it from the settlement.

In my heart, I know what's coming. But I just can't drop the hammer yet. Still clinging to hope. I'm weak I suppose.

Trying so hard to save my family. It really hurts.

Cr1spy:

It looks to me like your WW is having a midlife crisis after a two day fling. We have very little to go on that shows she has any remorse for her actions. Your WW May come out of the fog and demonstrate remorse. She may lose interest in the AP, but decide it was fun to chase other men during her late forties.

This is your life. You get to decide how long you want to wait to see if your WW wants your M. Wait as long as you want. You are the only one who has to live with the ramifications of your decision. There is no game clock here.

BUT, do not do the pick me dance. It never works. DO not try to nice her back. Do not try to tell what a loser she fell for. Let her figure it out herself. This makes you look weak in her eyes and she loses respect for you. ALWAYS value yourself. Read in the healing library. Implement the 180 to give you space to heal. With discretion expose her to family and friends if it fits your needs.

Be strong. You decide if the M continues. You set the timetable. Good luck.

Cr1spy, you are not weak, just unprepared to have the person you love the most betray you.

She detached from you by finding a replacement. You did not have that chance.

Having said that "limerance" is bullshit, she's just a selfish idiot who doesn't care who she hurts, living in a fantasy world.

I think if she did decide to come back to you - which is really her only option, because the other man in no way wants anything to do with this pathetic woman other than to use her for fucking, I think you would find that you do not really want anything to do with her anyway.

She'll be tainted to you and her "decision" to remain with you was just a realization that you're all she has.

The advice you have been given is good. Expose who she is and what she did, and how she has been behaving, to everyone who is important in your lives.

Proactively give her to the other man! What do you want with her anyway? Yuck.

Then, as she sits in her own mess, she'll learn what she did.

I know you know what's right. It's not easy. Good luck.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 4:32 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

One of the reasons I took so long to post here is I knew what everyone would say. Theres always so much anger (understandably).

It's not anger. It's the wisdom of hard-won experience. "Fuck me once, shame on you; fuck me twice, shame on me" sort of thing.

Most of us here were BH's at one point. Many of us made the usual slate of stupid beginner's mistakes. The clarity of 20/20 hindsight is now ours. We try to prevent guys like you from making the same mistakes, with the goal of saving you a bunch of heartache.

Your question on this thread ("Will she ever come out of limerence?"), it's the wrong question. You can't find the right answers if you're asking the wrong questions. The right question is: "Given that she is in limerence, what is my path out of infidelity?"

Trial Separations are BS. They only allow the cheater to test ride their affair partner and figure out what they want. If I ever go through a cheating situation again, there will never be a marriage counselor. It will be divorce

and good for you to say no to trial seperation. You are more advanced than most who come her initially. Fire the MC, shop consequences and take control