SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I suggest a stronger response that sends the message that the decision to R or D is 100% yours.

For example, my initial reaction is to D , however I will grant you 90 days to prove to me that you are remorseful and willing to fix yourself into a safe life partner. ( Extend as appropriate based on her actions vs words)

Start a hard 180.

You should DNA your youngest.

Bud, if they cheat with you they'll cheat on you.

What you need to realize is your wayward wife is just a very typical cheater. Nothing special about her at all.

You need to take her off the pedestal you have her on and start dealing with reality.

You'll never be able to cockblock the whole world.

This is so true! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^! Best advice.

So, to be clear, AP1 is the boss (or former boss) who lived/lives in your in-law apartment, IN YOUR HOME. WW had some sort of LTA with AP1, directly in front of your face. You suspected and confronted more than once, but she gas-lighted and deflected. Were you two having regular sex during this time?

AP2 is a co-worker whom you never knew about. She bumped into a former bf who works in Mexican restaurant. You were about to hire a PI to gather info about the former bf. In the meantime, AP1, feeling scorned, beat you to it and gave you video and photo evidence of the PA with AP2.

Which third parties know? Is AP1 married? I think not. Is AP2 married?

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 11:00 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

Yes to the paternity test, not just the last kid, but all the kids you've had with her.

I am and have requested a paternity test on my youngest. My second youngest is definitely mine. He literally looks exactly like me.

To be clear, the second affair was with a co-worker. I mentioned the ex bf because that’s what got my antennae up again with her. Once I started watching her phone records, I realized the ex bf wasn’t the target, it was her other coworker.

I have video of them walking out of a motel together on July 16th.

You knew she was a snake when you picked her up. You also knew married men would leave their wives for her,because you did exactly that.

Drop dead gorgeous? Maybe on the outside, but inside she's ugly. She has zero boundaries. She has zero respect for marriage.

I hope now that you know what it feels like to betrayed, you have apologized for the trauma you inflicted on your first wife.

If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you. It's a hard lesson to learn.

I am so sorry you are suffering. We all know about it.

What kills the marriage after an affair is mostly continuing lies. Cheaters don’t understand that full-blown confession of EVERYTHING is required for us to even evaluate whether R is possible. Right now your WW denied more than once with her co-worker until you pulled it out. And she still denies anything inappropriate with the boss. You need to impress on her that every lie decreases the chance your M can survive. A really good book for both of you to read is “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” by Linda MacDonald. It is short and pithy. You read it first so you know what behavior to look for. Mark it up in the margins as you wish and give it to her to read in 24 hours and then come talk to you. You will find out pretty quickly whether she has it in her to change.

Then she needs to get IC and offer you full transparency.

[This message edited by Odonna at 11:22 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

Like an above poster said, those who cheat with you will cheat on you.

I'm glad you seem to understand she dropped a nuclear bomb on your marriage. Twice.

She may be gorgeous on the outside, but her insides smell like rotten eggs.

Time to figure out if you can live with constantly looking over your shoulder.

Focus on you and your children.

My first wife never knew. Our marriage was over way before I started cheating on her. Was it right? No. Would have I left her anyway? Yes.

I didn’t post on this forum to have amateur (tough love) therapists tell me I deserved this. I’m sure we are all guilty of some deficit or character defect, but I’m 1 week 1 day in from D-Day. Show some compassion, the wound is still raw.

I know these boards are anonymous and you folks can say whatever you want with out regard for my feelings.

Please let my professional therapist do the tearing down.

I ordered my paternity kit.

I also want to say thank you to the people who’ve been giving incredible support.

I know that I could’ve and should’ve done so many things differently and that I literally enabled her to cheat on me.

I’m not a cuc, but I feel so so stupid right now.

Like I am a chump that she kept as the provider, while she did whatever she wanted.

I’m still on the fence about R n D.

No one deserves to be cheated on. No one said that. People are pointing out that this is who she is. This is who she was when you met her. You may have changed,but she hasn't.

What work is she doing on herself to become a safe person for you?

Things she should be doing,at minimum..

Full transparency. You get full access to all of her accounts, including her phone, and all passwords.

Std testing.

Paternity testing.

Answering all of your questions without anger or defensiveness.

She must be completely NC with all OM. That includes him getting the fuck out of your house, and her finding another job.

She must go NC with any friends who knew about her affairs, and didnt tell you. They are not friends of the marriage.

IC to fix her deep seeded issues.

No friends of the opposite sex. She has no boundaries.

And anything else you need to feel safe.

You need to expose all OM to their wives. And any family and friends that you feel will be supportive and hold her accountable.

And see an attorney to find out your rights. When a WW finds out their BH has seen an attorney, a lot of their wish washy behavior stops.

I will also suggest a post nup. She seems to be attracted to money. She was more interested in the boss when he made more money than you,then once you started making good money, suddenly she was attracted to you again. Protect yourself.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:41 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

Upfront you're always in shock.

You weren't prepared for this and no one is.

You would be wise to take a step back until you get some clarity of what you're dealing with.

Many upfront want to blame themselves perhaps so they think they can fix it but the reality is you didn't cause her to cheat. That was a conscious and willing division she made. Only she can fix herself you can't.

Most waywards upfront will promise you the moon but it's the regret of getting caught and they are in self preservation mode. It's not remourse.

One other thing. We are not armchair amateur therapists. We are people who have been exactly where you are. Our knowledge and insight is hard earned. We know how to deal with infidelity, often better than a therapist. Stick around, and you will see some of the horrible advice therapists give a betrayed spouse. Just because a therapist has a degree doesn't mean they understand how this feels, or the right steps it takes to reconcile. Many of us stick around because this site saved us, and we are paying it forward. Many of us are happily reconciled. Our bullshit meters are fine tuned. We know what works,and what doesn't.

Take what you need, and leave the rest.

I know that I could’ve and should’ve done so many things differently and that I literally enabled her to cheat on me.

I’m not a cuc, but I feel so so stupid right now.

BH's who have been gas-lighted for an extended period almost always share this feeling. Though I understand it, you should not feel this way. She lied to you. You believed her, despite warnings in your "gut". There is nothing wrong in believing her. She was the one who was lying.

The first step to R is if she is begging for R. You should be taking steps out of infidelity. If she wants you to stay, one thing she should be offering is complete transparency, including a detailed timeline of both of her A's.

Guilt is the feelings she has for herself. Remorse is empathising with you about what she did to you. If you don’t get remorse from her, you can’t start reconciliation.

So with the first A, she claims they had an affair before I even knew her.

My gut tells me that it restarted before the second baby came into the picture.

I’m not prepared for what to do if I find out my daughter isn’t mine. I would never reject her and she would never know. Well, maybe until she’s older, but I feel that would be the final nail in the coffin.

When my little Livi was born, for some reason unknown to me, I rejected her. It was insane and wasn’t because I suspected the other man. That came later on.

I couldn’t breathe without my daughter, so nothing would change between us. I’m still her daddy.

[This message edited by Guillermo at 11:59 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

Like most at this time you probably only know the "tip of the iceberg".

Cheaters lie a lot. Keep that in mind.

Time will bring more clarity.

You definitely need to show her some stronger consequences. Lawyer up and file. You have all the evidence you need.

If she's not begging you for R then the road ahead will be very difficult for you. The main purpose of SI is get BS's out of infidelity. That's either through R or D. In your case, given your WW's history, I don't think you've got much choice.

Can she change? Sure. But SHE has to want to. No amount of hoping and waiting from you can ever achieve that. SHE has to be driving any efforts of R, not you. SHE has to be doing the heavy lifting of trying to regain your trust. She should be begging you for another chance.

For now, focus on you and your health. Self care, self care, self care. Consult an attorney and find out what you should expect should you choose to D and tell your WW that you're prepared to D TOMORROW if she doesn't change her tune immediately. But you have to mean it. You have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it.

Also, I think you should go back and edit out any names to preserve your anonymity. You don't want her to come across this site and know what you're thinking. She could use it to manipulate you further.

If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

Yep. That doesn't mean you deserve it. It does mean her behavior is not a shocker.

She's got some serious issues. If she's unwilling to work on them, she's not R material. You would be better to D. At this point, at least 180 until you can figure out what you want.