SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Great advice you’re receiving here so far. I have to agree with previous posters, it’s hard to find a professional therapist who can truly empathize with, and understand the dynamics of cheating and betrayal like the sum total of accumulated crowd sourced life experience based knowledge-wisdom that exists here. You just can’t teach this stuff in a classroom. With that said, quality professional counseling does have its important place in the tool box and is encouraged.

Remorse. It is way too soon to determine if this is genuine selfless remorse vs. selfish regret. My WW put on quite an impressive display of emotion just after DD. It made me fall in love with her all over again. It made me even feel sorry for her. It made me blame myself. I made excuses for her. I felt guilty for my emotions that I was “inflicting” on her. It broke my heart to see her cry so, and...

that worked out quite nicely for her.

Then, after about 3-4 months she began to grow tired of all this reconciliation bullshit. She started making demands. Wanted her privacy back. Wanted boundaries softened. Wanted no mention of the A-ever again, after a certain deadline. Wanted her Affair accomplice friends back, etc, etc.

True reconciliation after this level and depth of damage to a relationship is a lifelong endeavor fueled by true love and true remorse. It’s not easy living with a BS. We’re talking years of rehabilitation with the WS doing the bulk of the work. It’s a lifelong labor of love and devotion nursing a so wounded spouse back to health with no promise of success. Just-simply the gratitude of being given the opportunity, the gift, of reconciliation.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:32 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]

Reality Blows, that is exactly how I feel too.

I can see my wife trying to do the same thing. So I think I’m going to take a few days off. I’m contacting a lawyer on Monday and I’m going to push back on her, hard.

She cheated on me during a time where I thought we were the most in love and after that.

I’m so disgusted and hurt.

R should have specific requirements. If not you can get a repeat. If not a continuation of the current affair.

Get some sleep aids. You will need your wits about you.

Definitely not remorse. Remorse is grounded in empathy. If she had empathy she would not have made the choices she made knowing how it would devastate you.

Believe me, I know. My XWW gave me the whole song and dance. Begged me, crocodile tears rolling down her face, to R. And I ate it up because I was desperate to go back to normal. A few weeks later I came to find out there was still contact.

If she's still working with the AP then the affair is still going on. Maybe she's laying low for a while. But, almost 100% guaranteed, they'll start up again. She needs to quit that job. That's a bare minimum requirement.

Hang tough, G. We all know how hard this is.

Thanks everyone, I’m signing off for a little while. I’m looking for a place to sleep tonight. I can’t go back to her

I’m contacting a lawyer on Monday

Good idea. Knowledge is power. It would be wise to look at all angles.

At this time you don't know how this is going to turn out

Wait, AP1 is still living in the apt in your house? If you go elsewhere tonight you know they are going to talk about this. Can you stop by Best Buy and get a Voice-Activated-Recorder to put in the house where they might talk?

I could get a recorder, but I’m literally going nuclear on this relationship. I’m lawyering up, filing for divorce, and bringing her to the table.

Her days of lying to me are numbered. If I feel for a second she’s lying, I’m out.

In fact, I might already be out.

She cheated on me during a time when I thought we were most in love. I’m crushed. I think there is too much water under the bridge.

I think the paternity test will seal that fate.

I hope it’s negative, I need a break here. God please give me a break!

[This message edited by Guillermo at 12:32 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]

My heart hurts for you

It probably seems impossible to you right now, but you will make it out of your situation—- a different person with a different perspective, but with the help and advice of folks here and a therapist irl, you will make it thru

Your last post reads to me that you’re recognizing the magnitude of her betrayal and I feel you might want to get to your Dr for meds to help level you out for a bit and to help you get some sleep

Keep posting. Breathe. Reach out to a friend if you can

Good morning. I know this will be a difficult day as you cannot see a lawyer right away. Please eat some protein and fruit and go on a bike ride or to the gym. The exercise and nature endorphins will help you. Even just a long walk in a nature preserve or park.

Vent here all you like.

[This message edited by Odonna at 10:20 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]

You've been hit hard by the betrayal and, as a result, you are in shock. You NEED to do everything you can to take care of yourself and line up a support system. The last thing you need right now is all of this combining to form one irrational moment that makes everything worse. Stay hydrated. Eat what you can. Get whatever sleep you can. Vent here. Get to a good counselor. Etc.

You are understood and cared about here. Protect your access (e.g. use private/incognito mode and keep your login info safe) because you don't want your W to have insight into your raw thoughts and to have the ability to manipulate you.

Even while you run a paternity test on your youngest, remember that your kids are innocent in what is playing out. And you are the only person in the marriage right now who isn't self-centered and manipulative -- they need you. While you need to deal with the trauma you've just been subjected to first and foremost, do what you are able to show them love and to shield them from what is happening.

As far as your W goes, she has shown her colors. My serial cheating wife said something that provided me a moment of clarity and I think applies here -- she asked me after Dday, "Do you think it is ok to have one man for family and another for fun?" Your W's actions mirror that attitude. She is happy to have you for family, a nice home and to provide while chasing others for "fun." Whatever tears, sorrow, begging and promises she gives right now, you'll need to be cautious to sort out whether she is actually remorseful for how broken she is or if she is just sorry that she was caught and that she may lose family, home, provision and reputation.

In terms of next steps in your marriage, that is up to you. For now, gather information to help you see clearly -- that you'll be ok, about whether your W continues to be a selfish, manipulative person, about your paternity situation and how the legal/financial elements line up. And reach out for support to those who can provide it.

Sending strength your way.

Thanks everyone. Last night was tough, but a friend stayed on the phone with me until I felt a little better.

So I’m in this whirlwind of hell, but cannot help thinking about when I approached my wife months ago. I told her about how angry I was that I thought she was having an affair and again she denied it. I thought, (in all my great and stupid wisdom) let me hit her where it hurts. I asked her to swear on our children’s lives that she didn’t have an affair. She did it, without batting an eye.

The lengths she went to in order to hide her disease is beyond anything I ever imagined.

I think she already knows in her heart that our daughter is his.

I don’t think god is going to answer this prayer for me.

She played me, then played the first guy. The first guy was a scorned lover and he went to inflict maximum damage by endangering two marriages and 7 children.

He may have broken the news, but your WW is the one who inflicted maximum damage to two marriages.

If AP1 still lives upstairs and/or she still works with AP2, the chances are slim that the As won't continue in some form. Since she's a serial cheater, without intensive therapy and the desire to fix her own issues, the odds are stacked against your M. You can't fix her, no matter how hard you try. She has to want to fix herself first, and then your M.

Beauty or money or (insert vain thing here) has nothing to do with it. Look how many movie stars or athletes have been caught cheating with someone that would appear to be below their social standing. It doesn't matter because they are trying to fill a hole in themselves. There is an entire thread in Just Found Out about "They always affair down". The shell may be a candy coating, hiding the real ugliness inside.

Be careful about leaving the marital home and your children. That could be considered abandonment of both in court.

Coco, I’m aware. I’m only going out one night to gather my thoughts. I’m staying with a friend that is going to help me strategize with a lawyer.

Read the “Tactical Primer”, “The 180” and other source material in the Healing Library while your at. It will help you act decisively, tactically, manage damage control, and protect yourself from further harm and manipulation. A lawyer will help you with the rest whether you decide to D or not. Lawyers are consummate pragmatists who’ll guide you objectively through this shit storm.

I asked her to swear on our children’s lives that she didn’t have an affair. She did it, without batting an eye.

That should tell you everything you need to know about her underlying character. When/if you have thoughts of "I wasn't good enough", "If only I would have _____" or "The AP was better than me" then recall her words. The A has nothing to do with you and is solely a commentary on her.

Don't beat yourself up about "I should have known" either. Your character is that you trusted. You believed in the vows you took. You couldn't conceive of swearing on the lives of your children and then being untruthful. Those are all good traits to have. She was a lying, manipulative, controlling serial cheater who went far beyond what you could conceive of within a seemingly happy marriage. Again, it isn't your fault.

I’m only going out one night to gather my thoughts. I’m staying with a friend that is going to help me strategize with a lawyer.

Gathering your thoughts and determining next steps is a good thing. However, let me give you a few warnings...

1. In the trauma and shock of it all, it isn't unusual for a BS (betrayed spouse) to either threaten or to be honest about their planned next steps. Don't. It only gives the WS insight so that they can prepare a counter-strategy. Remember, your W isn't who you thought she was and, as a result, you shouldn't treat her as your best friend who is looking out for your and there kid's best interest. From this point forward, let your actions be your primary form of communication with her.

2. Serial cheaters are masters of manipulation and control. If your W sees that her tears, pleas, promises, love-bombing, etc. aren't working, there is a real chance that she will move to other tactics to try to hold onto everything she can while putting you at a disadvantage. When an AP is still involved, the two of them can end up collaborating on how to hurt you. The most potent of those strategies is to allege domestic violence as it gets you taken away by the police, slapped with a restraining order that separates you from the house and kids all while lining her up for more favorable custody and divorce terms. Whatever you do in the coming days and weeks, do not allow her to manipulate you into an angry state where you then touch her in any way, have a tense/loud argument in public, etc. One real example -- a WW grabbed her H's phone and he wrestled it back from her which then turned into a DV charge. Another -- a WW charged at her H and he restrained her to avoid being hit = DV charge. Some BS's resort to keeping a hidden digital recorder on them (check your location/lawyer for legality) or even wear a digital video camera to help document things and shield them from a false charge. The short of it is to know that this game can be played on you and that knowledge should put you into a position to do what is needed to avoid it.

3. Protect yourself financially. If your W has full access to everything, she can take advantage of that and put you into a cash flow bind. Talk with a lawyer about what you can/can't do in this area.

The next days certainly are going to be very challenging, but being informed and prepared will help you avoid things becoming more difficult than they need to be.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 11:00 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]

So I’m in this whirlwind of hell, but cannot help thinking about when I approached my wife months ago. I told her about how angry I was that I thought she was having an affair and again she denied it. I thought, (in all my great and stupid wisdom) let me hit her where it hurts. I asked her to swear on our children’s lives that she didn’t have an affair. She did it, without batting an eye.

Sorry man but you're wife is just a very typical cheater. There's nothing special about her at all. This is not uncommon.

The thing is it's happening to you.

A friend of mine went through this and said the hardest part was coming to realization that his X was nothing special. Just a typical cheater. When he reflected back the selfishness had always been there. He just didn't see it at the time.

[This message edited by Marz at 11:06 AM, July 28th (Sunday)]

Thank you, everyone for all the great advice.

My wife is returning to her parents house today to give them part II of her lies. I will confirm with my MIL tomorrow when I see her.

I have told her that she is have zero communication with her boss. There are other partners in the company and for now she can move over to them, until she finds a new job.

I’m getting ready to out him (her boss) because he was trying to play the good guy. Trying to pretend that he was merely a spectator in her infidelity. He lied to my face and wanted me to be his friend.

It turns out (not surprisingly) that he told her that when she was away I was having an affair with a waitress at a restaurant we frequent. He was trying to drive a spike between us so he could have her all to himself