SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At the time, I really didn’t believe in my ability to find a man that was not a cheater. Therefore, I was deciding between being alone and R.

I gave him a chance and he has been a good husband ever since. R was worth it to me, but I do wonder sometimes if the love of my life is out there somewhere.

I wanted to be able to look my autistic daughter in the eyes and tell her that I tried everything before I divorced WH. If I had not had a daughter, I may well not have stayed. My WH was remorseful (after his head popped out of his butt) and decided to do the work necessary to deserve the marriage. He is still working, almost 4 years later. We are happy and communicate better than ever, but I have had to learn to live with the emotional burden of his affair. I will live with it forever. I also have to be vigilant as well...no more assuming innocence....trust has been severely compromised. Do I think it is worth it? Yes. FWH has worked like a yeoman to be a better man. Were there times when I felt like it would be less painful to leave and start fresh? Yes. I guess I feel like I would have to deal with the emotional toll of the affair with or without him and I do love him, so staying married makes sense. Also, there are no guarantees that a new man would stay faithful. My FWH has done the work to become a safe partner. It makes the most sense to stay.

LP, I'm divorced and have no regrets. And I had a kid with the asshole.

As far as being a single parent, there are lots of programs that can help and not all of them feel demeaning.

For example, if you look, there are tons of grants and scholarships specifically for non traditional students. When I changed my life, I really went for it!

Also, in regards to finding love again, it is very much possible. I've been with my husband for almost 16 years and he is the best thing that ever happened to me. In addition, you can probably still find it in my latest posts, but I have a friend with 7 kids who is getting remarried to a really nice guy in a few months.

Good people are out there and being s divorced person with kids really isn't the barrier it used to be. My advice on that is to spend time in therapy and dig deep to regain yourself first. That made all the difference in the world to me when I met my husband.

Is R worth it? Only you can answer that for yourself. I did try for a short time but he didn't want to change for himself and it was not place place to demand. Ask, sure, but demand? No, he had to want it for himself. Several failed relationships and 25 years later, he STILL doesn't want to be a better human, so my only regret is not pushing him off a cliff (kidding! mostly lol).

I like the detachment option.

Kind of like NC, but I just don’t acknowledge him when I make plans or decisions.

I learned that I am more important in my life than he ever should have been.

He was never a good enough spouse to warrant someone like me. That’s why he only attracted pathetic losers.

I have no regrets about reconciling with my husband. I am happy, content. I now have a strong marriage with a man that knows the value of marriage. He had to earn this chance at R and he worked his ass off. I’m actually shocked he had the capacity to be this awesome.

But if I’d chosen to divorce him instead - I don’t think I’d have regret it. I’d be happy and content...probably been a bit angrier for longer - maybe.

For 30 years he was a loving, faithful husband. All of my family loved him - thought he was the salt of the earth. When Dday hit my BIL said it was like finding out Ghandi had been a serial killer.

In spite of my shock and devastation I knew that wasn't the man he truly was. It was an aberration - he had gone off the rails I didn't want to just walk away from a 30 year marriage without giving it my all - no what ifs. If it didn't work out I could say I gave it my best. Of course - he had to do the work of becoming a safe partner - I needed to see him do the work - to look within himself and figure out what it was that made him justify cheating. I didn't want the A to define him or our marriage.

We are nearly 6 years post Dday - it hasn't been easy and there was so many times I just wanted to throw in the towel. It was his constant support - his reassurance that we were going to make it that kept me going. After 6 years - watching him put his heart and soul in to R I know I made the right choice for me.

I wish I had never given her a second chance. Should've divorced her the first time I caught her cheating.

For those of you currently in R, why do you choose to stay?

I was very much in love and was convinced, his infidelity episode was an aberration.

Would you have divorced if there was no marriage/ children/etc?

Not married and no children. I can see, why people think it's easier to divorce/separate/break up if there are no children involved, but in my case, I'm pretty sure I would have left if we had children because I would refuse to expose them to all the bullshit and pain cheating brings to a whole family.

Do you think you'd probably be better off just starting over fresh with someone new who has never cheated on you? Is dealing with all the pain really worth it?

Even after more than a decade after DDay, reconciled and with a beautiful relationship we have now, I would say I would be better off starting over and the pain is not really worth it.

I sound a bit resigned to my fate, but I'm not, I chose to stay, because I wanted to help him, kind of (many FOO issues), and I have to admit, we have a great life together, a lot of adventures and travels, great conversations too. But in retrospect, no, I would say, if someone cheats, It's over. It was a dealbreaker for me, I just didn't know that a the time. Now we have different relationship, great friendship and companionship, alternative lifestyle, and at 56 this means a lot.

On the other hand I know I'm a plan B, which makes me sad a bit, but since I always was plan C or less for my parents, so B for me is an upgrade

Should have left immediately and not look back.

Decade wasted with a liar.

For those of you currently in R, why do you choose to stay?

I loved/love her, and she's doing the work she need to do. BOTH were required.

Would you have divorced if there was no marriage/ children/etc?

Kid was an adult on d-day.

Do you think you'd probably be better off just starting over fresh with someone new who has never cheated on you?

No. IMO, anyone can cheat, and anyone can recover from being betrayed.

And I believe a person who has cheated and done the work necessary for healing is a better bet for future fidelity than any new person I'm going to meet.

Is dealing with all the pain really worth it?

There's no way to avoid the pain of being betrayed. No way. No way. We MUST process that pain - that pain can either be stuffed or processed out of one's body, but it's ours.

The process of R adds some pain, because relationships include not getting everything one wants, etc., and that's painful. You don;t have to deal with that particular pain with your WS if you D.

You will have to deal with that pain if you get into a new relationship, though....

*****

I caution against judging R by the standards of people whose Rs did not succeed. Among the most vehement opponents are people who entered R with WSes who were simply not good R candidates.

These are the big questions that need to be asked:

1) Do you want R?

2) Does your WS want R?

3) Are you willing to do your work?

4) Is your WS willing to do the WS's work?

If you get 4 'yes' answers, R is likely to be worth the effort. If you get one 'no,' probably not.

Shirley Glass said that 80% of the couples she worked with who said they wanted R actually did R. Those are pretty good odds - if you get 4 'yeses.'

The variation in responses here is very enlightening. It looks like most are at peace with the decision they made, even if it didn't work out in the end.

Sisoon, thank you for sharing that statistic. I think many who failed in R probably did so because their WS was not fully committed to all the work that R requires. Only time will tell with my WH, but so far he's showing me he's serious about it. Not getting my hopes up though as it's still too early to tell. But the answer to those 4 questions in my situation is "Yes" so I'm hoping we can be part of that 80% who make it.

I think this is a really great thread for BS's to read when deciding whether to D or R. Hopefully we get a lot more responses on this one.

Next week marks 5 years since D-Day. I'm glad I stayed but honestly had I been 35 years old instead of 55 I don't think I would've.

Today I have no regrets about choosing R.

The thing about being betrayed is that it did happen and nothing we can do changes that. Not even a D. It might satisfy a sense of justice, but the baggage is still there years later unless you work through it in some way.

I think the best course is to work on yourself. Fix the things you don't like about yourself and invest fully in being who you want to be.

THEN

May a decision is your WS is something that adds to your life or takes more away from it. Have they changed too ? Are they worth the risk? If they are what is your plan if it does happen again. For example if the WS lies about something big or has another EA/PA/Inappropriate communication does that mean immediate D, no questions asked ?

Pain is inevitable. Sorry that is the best truth I can give you. There are ways to lessen that pain overtime and learn from those painful experiences. IC worked best for me.

Get right with yourself before making a decision for the wrong reasons. Take as much time as you need.

I hated giving my young kids (4 & newborn when Wh left) to Wh and ow on the weekends. I reconciled because I didn’t want to do that anymore, and for financial

Stability.

I realized through almost getting divorced (papers were never signed but we were in the courts for a solid year, with custody and child support agreements) that we would have to interact together for 17 more years (because we had young kids). And the interaction was about stuff that we had been fighting about! So basically divorce took out the good stuff but the shit we were fighting about was still there and we had to work thru it married or divorced.

No it’s not worth it! Had we not had a child that was struggling with self harm and other issues and WH had serious health issues.... if not I would have left in a by minute.

Get Out ASAP.. it’s almost impossible to heal from infidelity and honesty I don’t know of anyone that has.

😑