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For those of you currently in R, why do you choose to stay? Would you have divorced if there was no marriage/ children/etc? Do you think you'd probably be better off just starting over fresh with someone new who has never cheated on you? Is dealing with all the pain really worth it?

For those who decided to D, do you have any regrets? And do you agree that D is a better choice than R in pretty much all situations?

[no soliciting]

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:58 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]

I am attempting R and honestly would not if we didn't have a child together. As far as starting fresh, at this point I have no interest in being in a relationship. After 25 years of crappy ones I am pretty done.

I don't feel like I am pathetic for attempting R though. For seeing if he can truly change. I'm doing it for myself and also my son, not really for him. There's nothing pathetic in that IMO.

Here's the thing: we create our own definition of "success", and that definition is constantly shifting based on our circumstances. In the beginning, R seems great for a lot of people. If you're abandoned like me, then you have no choice but to D, and then you better make peace with that outcome. If you're attempting R but the spouse is being a shit, you may start to see D as the better choice. Mileage varies, and as BSes, we're usually reacting to the WSes, so that makes things tricky for us.

Even though I didn't have a choice, I think D is great. I also think a quick discard was one of the best things that could've happened to me. I don't think everyone should D, and if I wasn't divorced from a cold-blooded creature, maybe I'd wish we went the R route, too, but D isn't the end of the world. D is ejecting a person from your life who has proven to be a disrespectful shit. If someone wiped boogers on your face while you were sleeping and you caught them, would you want to continue sleeping next to them? What if they did it again?

Most of all, I find "stay together for the kids" to be a very misguided and selfish reason to continue being with a cheater if the marriage is garbage. If a calm R is possible, then sure, but if you don't love each other and there's daily tension, guess what? The kids know it and their lives are worse off for it. People who are honest with themselves will tell you flat out that stay together for the kids means "I don't want to see my kids half the time".

Lp0725

For those who decided to D, do you have any regrets?

I have zero regrets about divorcing my exww. That is because it was right for each of us in our situation.

The general consensus on there seems to be that staying with a cheater is never worth it and that we all should immediately divorce our wayward spouses

If you are part of a crowd that totals 100 people and 99 of them all go in same direction that is right for them and you go in an opposite direction that is right for you, are any of you wrong? None of you are wrong because you all are doing what is right for yourself.

You and I have many things in common but you will never be me and I will never be you so comparing our decisions is a mute point.

Do what is right for you.

People who are honest with themselves will tell you flat out that stay together for the kids means "I don't want to see my kids half the time".

And I think this is a perfectly valid reason. JMHO.

Every book, website, or post here you read will have an opinion. Part of healing is taking them all and having the discernment to use what's helpful and relevant and throw out the rest. Over time and with a lot of work you'll find clarity. Even on SI you'll find people with a strong opinion typically to D or R. When you're leaning one way it's hard when you see the other side. But ultimately it's helpful.

Both roads are hard and the many stories here are a testament to that, and there's no way to know whether you'll be a happy ending or a long painful slog with multiple heartbreaks. You've had a hard few months for sure to see the challenge of the road you're on. I'm on a good path in R, but that's my situation.

There are several studies and stats out there but they do vary. I'd encourage you to read Not Just Friends if you haven't yet, lots in there. Generally speaking (assuming you know the WHOLE story from him) if your WS has had two EAs then he's likely to have another. Multiple time cheaters are more likely to do it again vs. one time cheaters but there is clearly a risk that your WS will have another EA and also a chance he never does again. Odds are odds, even if let's say it's a 65% chance he has another EA, that may still be worth trying to be part of the 35%. But part of this is what you see and what you want with the work he's doing, the change you see and how you work together (or don't). IC is certainly helpful for you to find that clarity and purpose. But it takes time.

And it's on him. Will he revert to being a bully, or will he be different? You've had a lot of advice from previous posts. You will find clarity and truth. And you're not a chump regardless of that choice you make.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:00 AM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Ultimately, I would say any resource that claims all people are one certain way forever isn't credible.

Some people aren't able to own their choices or makes changes, who will remain unsafe for anyone to be with, and then some people change and improve themselves.

I will say R isn't easy, but I'm happy with my choice.

I'm glad I gave my wife a second chance.

It's not pathetic to show grace and empathy to a person.

My marriage is better than it's ever been. Infidelity is a trauma I wouldn't wish on anyone, but we all recover, one way or the other.

Over three years know of reading other people's stories, and I've learned there are many different outcomes. You just have to find the one that fits what you want.

If you're done, you're done. But I wouldn't stay or go because of anyone else's opinion. It takes a great deal of strength regardless of the path you choose.

Hindsight being 20/20, I certainly wouldn’t have remained married to my WH after the first infidelity. It would have spared me the other cheating.

If I didn’t stay, I wouldn’t have had my kids with him.

They are wonderful, but half HIM.

It just doesn’t seem worth the pain

Here's a reminder that referencing other websites is against the guidelines unless you first get approval by a moderator.

I have a lot of reasons for attempting R but in the end I know I'm taking a huge gamble on WH. I love him but that's not why I want to R, although I wouldn't attempt it if I no longer loved him. Love would fade in time if we divorced. I'm trying it because the alternative is not very attractive to me. I'd be a single mom of 3 struggling just to barely scrape by. I also don't have reason to believe there are all these wonderful loyal men out there just chomping at the bit to scoop up a divorced mom of 3 young kids. I guess I'd eventually meet someone else, but right now I can't even imagine ever wanting a serious relationship again after all the shit I've been through in my life. I guess a huge part of it is that deep down I still want to believe that my WH truly does love me and wants to be a better man. But that's probably all just projection on my part. I still have blinders on when it comes to him. I don't believe he ever got physical with anyone either, which would be a complete dealbreaker for me. If I find out he ever fucked anyone, we're 100% divorcing. When I read through some of the BS stories on here, I wonder how the hell they could even look at their WS, never mind attempt R with them (like in LTA situations or other really egregious betrayals). I wish I could be that forgiving, but I know I'm far too spiteful and jealous of a person to move on from something like that. I would only want revenge.

I apologize for referencing that site, I didn't know that was prohibited. I'll make sure not to reference other sites again.

Had my FWW cheated before our son was born I would have divorced her with no questions asked. To me, infidelity is a deal-breaker, pure and simple.

Today, over four years later, I don't regret my decision.

If you're willing to give your WS a second chance and offer the GIFT of reconciliation, know this: the bulk of the work falls squarely on the shoulders of the WS. That means figuring out why they could betray themselves in such a base and self-destructive manner. That means owning and fixing their shit, unlearning a few untruths about themselves, and changing from cheater to safe partner. Some WS are willing and able to do the work that reconciliation requires. Many simply can't or won't do what it takes.

For a BS in R, it can be an extremely painful process to step-back, detach, watch and observe what a WS does with the opportunity they're given. It can take years to find out if a WS is truly capable of making the changes they need to make.

I'm an abandoned spouse so I have no choice but to D. If the circumstances were different, if WH had not had multiple affairs and showed true remorse and wanted to work on himself and the M, I might have seriously considered R. We have a long-term M with no kids.

It all depends. If the WS does all the hard work, the deep digging, and does whatever is in their power to help the BS heal, R could be worthwhile but only if the BS has the desire to R. There are wayward patterns and statistics that can be very helpful, but each situation is also highly individual.

A site like (No soliciting) as you describe it (I haven't spent much time there but will check it out further) seems like it would naturally attract BS's who are against R because they've been burned so badly. My guess is not many successfully R'd spouses would be active on that site, but again I don't know.

And for some people infidelity is a complete deal-breaker. It may have been for me, too, but I never really had a say in the matter. Bottom line is you have to do what you feel is right for you. If you choose to give R a fair shot, you can still D if he doesn't do the work or if you find that cheating really is a deal-breaker for you.

In either case, the road will likely be long and difficult since something vital was violated and broken by the very one you trusted and relied on for protection. The tough part is even if we do get a say in how to move forward, either R or D, there's still going to be a deep wound that somehow needs to heal.

We BS can feel like chumps for being duped and cheated on, but nobody is a chump for trusting the very person we are supposed to trust! Nobody is a chump for someone else's bad decisions and hurtful behavior, and you are certainly not pathetic for wanting to R with your spouse. It's more like the WS did the evil deed, so it's completely on the WS's shoulders to do the hard work or accept D if that's the BS's decision. That, of course, is a "should" and doesn't always match up to reality.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:31 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

I don't have an answer for you because I was in R for 34 yrs. and never saw this one coming. Wasn't prepared for it on any level and found myself standing in Divorce court 2 months later. We never argued, we did everything together and then boom, over with. So I'm still trying to decide if the R was worth it. In some ways, yes. And in some ways, no.

But I do want to tell you 2 things. I think there's more nuance than a lot of people realize when posters seem to encourage D or R. I usually suggest filing for D but I don't actually recommend the D, just the act of filing because I believe once a BS stands up for themselves, they take some control back over their lives. It can empower them and help them snap out of the paralyzing fear that's keeping them from doing anything. IOW, do something to drive the bus instead of standing there and letting it run them over. I try to clarify that when I write but I'm not always good about how I explain.

Secondly, his actions and future behavior are the determining factors and until you can observe them and weigh them, you cannot make a decision. So what I's suggest is to do everything you can to make yourself strong and at peace and ready to move forward with you life whichever form it takes. Go to IC, listen to podcasts and read helpful material, whatever form that all is for you. Take care of yourself physically. And spiritually.

And while you're doing that, let him do his thing. He'll either get his act together (which will only result in permanent change if he recognizes his problem and takes are of it himself, without someone guiding him every step of the way) and become the man you hoped he'd be or he'll come unglued. But either way, you're equipped to deal with it and you'll be fine.

I write all this from my heart and it's just one woman's opinion, nothing more.

I'm in limbo and remain mostly detached. We are amicable and co-parent well. We also share a good friendship for what it's worth. I definitely would have left if we didn't have kids. They are the sole reason I took pause after D-Day.

I don't have a desire to start with someone new. I kinda like my independence right now and the devil you know I do not have a desire to start with someone new as I think anyone is capable of betrayal now.

Was the pain worth it? Well I would have rather not have been traumatized as I'm still left with scars and baggage of my own to clean up. I guess the best thing that happened out of all of this was that I re-discovered myself and my worth and that lesson has been invaluable. Also I have been consistently working on my coping skills with a therapist and it has helped me immensely.

I’m divorced and my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. In hindsight, I can see that my exH was a shitty partner before the affair. And he was a much, much, MUCH shittier partner after it. R was not worth it. Life is too short.

If we didn't have kids, I would've divorced.

The 2 biggest factors that have guided my decision to attempt R are:

1. The kids. I was ready to divorce when I found out we were pregnant with our 3rd. I would have divorced in a heartbeat if there were no kids.

2. No relationship is affair proof. It's the sad, honest truth. Reading all the posts have opened my eyes to that. You can divorce, find someone new, and then get cheated on all over again. At least this way, I keep my family in tact.

Make no mistake, if he returns to wayward behavior and/or stops putting our relationship first I am done.

When my wife informed me of her affair (after lying first and say she just needed "space") - she told me she was moving out in 2 weeks. I had no say, and other than asking her if she had considered what this would do to our sons, I did not beg or plead or any of that, I could tell her mind was made up.

Now to D or R. If I had any option here, it is hard to say what I would have done. My current policy is "touch another mans junk, and we are done" and I know that I mean it as of today. Back then who knows? I personally believe that way too many people waste their time trying to reconcile. I believe that moving on and find someone new will be a lot less painful overall.

That said, whether to D or R is a highly personal decision, depending on literally hundreds of factors. I would never tell someone that they made the wrong decision because frankly I'm not in a position to know.

Layla, you're absolutely right no marriage is affair proof. I've seen posts on here from people who had what they thought was a perfect relationship, and still got cheated on and/or abandoned. This is another reason I'm sticking around for now - I realize there's a pretty good chance I could wind up in this situation again with a new guy.

Most disturbing to me are the stories where the BS was completely clueless because the WS was still being totally loving and normal all while having an affair. If they can't even be trusted when everything is rosy, how could the marriage ever have a chance of making it through hard times?