SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been a long time since I have ventured back to this website. I've been reading some posts and 'wow' the wave of emotion is over powering. I popped back in here because I have been struggling and maybe all the emotions just came with me.

Let me give a quick background. 2008 I discovered my hubby had been having an affair. As you are all well aware this was a very emotional and trying time. He is a good man but made stupid decisions. We reconciled and went to counseling but I have never forgiven him. Time has passed and things got better. Life went back to normal.

Or didn't it?

I still have moments of anxiety. A certain song, place, food or even sometimes a smell makes me flashback and sometimes a full on anxiety attack. Sometimes rage. Lately I have been contemplating separation. I have no idea how, if it would help, or if it is the right thing. There are good things and there are bad things and I know relationships are a lot of work. Do I still want to work for this one or is it done?

Any advice is welcome.

I am now off for a girls weekend with my best friend from high school. We are off to the Niagara wine region for some good food, wine and then the Iron Girl Triathlon in the morning.

Hi JKS

I am only 15 months since DDay 1 so I don’t have your level of experience but would like to ask a couple of questions.... I do think the anger resurfaces and that it is normal. I have been reading for a year now and seen it mentioned a few times here.

I wonder if this is normal marital challenge with infidelity sprinkles. Or is it personal change?

So some questions.

Do you like your husband? Do you love him and do you feel loved by him? Is he safe?

Is this intuition? Could he be cheating again?

Is there something triggering you? Have you been happy the last 10 years?

Maybe a good IC would help you figure it out?

I would really play out what if we divorce scenario. Good and bad. What would you miss? How would your life change? What is exciting about the scenario? Scary?

How do you see your future? Can you get there married to WH?

Personally I feel utterly broken and can’t imagine being over it ever. I think you have done super well to reconcile successfully for so long. Infidelity scars.

Have a great weekend in Niagara. I am going soon too.

I am in this exact same position! I have not been to this website in years and I log in and this is the first post I see. Unbelievable! It has been 9 years since the affair and I still periodically feel like I can't do this. When it happened we had been married just 2 years and had no children. My husband was very sorry and willing to do anything to keep us together. So we went to therapy and worked it out, I thought. Two years later I get pregnant with our first child. I don't think I had really decided to stay, but with a baby on the way it no longer seemed like an option to leave. We now have two girls, 3 and 6, and get along well. From the outside it probably looks like we have a perfect life. But for me, something is missing. I now know I should have left and never looked back. I feel really trapped. I would never break up our family, and I feel like I'm happy. But, this marriage will never be whole. I hate it for my children, for me and for my husband. I feel like I'm a phony. I also feel ridiculous for still dealing with this after so many years. I should have left, and I deeply regret not doing so. I have no specific advice. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I think, no matter what, there are some people that just cannot completely get over this level of betrayal. My therapist told me that long ago.

[This message edited by PathOfThorns at 11:31 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]

In addition to Tallgirl's excellent questions, I'd add the ones below.

What did you do to process your feelings?

Who do you want to forgive - your H, you, both?

Has something happened recently that makes you think separation would be a good option?

I ask these questions because what you describe could be 'unresolved' feelings from 10 years ago. If that's the case, some work with a good IC will help you make the best decision for you.

What's missing for you?

If you identify that, you may be able to create what you want with your current partner. If you can, great. If you can't, that seems like a source of your thinking about separating....

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:32 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]

Was there any work done by your spouse? did he make you feel loved and safe? is he transparent...?

I have been here the same amount of time....WH had A in 2008....

I never recovered...not even close....WH did zero work...it made me feel insecure, bitter, lonely..jealous .and stupid...I stayed for the kids..hoping he would get it...I lived with pushing it down...and a lot of pain.

This doesn't work, if the work isn't done...time does not matter...that is the truth...I could not deal with this much trauma, and pretend it didn't happen....it could not be ignored...

I recently got a D...and know I should have long ago...WH was never going to be different...The kids seemed better off...but who can say what might of? It was a very sad, long ,painful 10 years for me....I wonder if I would have felt this way anyway.....whos can say....what if?

You can only deal with now....what do you want now? what do you need? what is more important? what are you losing? what are you gaining? this is not 2008....stop living in 2008...you tried...now what? Your life is now different....is it good enough?

Wh made the decision for me...he left me for OW...and relapsed....It was easier for me...to stick to it. Could your spouse feel the same way?

Im not saying your should D or stay...these were all told to me over the years....some heal before they D...some heal after a D....some work it out....you have to know where you are.

Its not uncommon to hit a new level of healing...you really let it go and move forward...forgiving...not living in it anymore...or you might decide to D....it really does take years to heal..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:22 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]

I have been cheated on in two different relationships.

With my first wife, I tried for 6 years to reconcile. She kept cheating. Once I left and started to heal away from her, things got much better for me quickly. That was over 20 years ago.

Five years ago, I started a relationship with another lady. We decided to cohabitate and see where things would go. In year 3 I caught her in our bed with her AP. I did not hesitate this time. I left within 10 days and went NC.

IMO after experiencing the 6 year attempt at R, and the immediate NC, the advice I would share, is if there is no happiness coming back into your relationship after a period of time, perhaps it is time to move on and start healing. Just my opinion.

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice on how to explore your feelings more and work on them. MC is also a good idea if you think there could be things you aren't getting from your FWH.

But I'd also like to point out that it's not that uncommon for BSes to decide even 10 years later that the A was a deal breaker and the new marriage they've made doesn't work for them. You may have decided to stay in the past but you can make a different decision for yourself today. The marriage police aren't going to show up and give you a citation for changing your mind. Your future isn't ever set in stone no matter what you chose before.

Give it some real thought and if separation is right for you, pursue it.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 12:28 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

I'm 18 years down the line from Dday - and I'm in pretty much the same place you are. The flashbacks, anxiety, and resentment... I also worry that I'm not WW's first choice. That's kinda ok though, since a cheating spouse isn't my first choice either. I guess that's what severe trauma leaves us with; every injury leaves a scar.

Even though WW and me get along well, I still contemplate divorce at times and have a Plan B.

WW had a EA & PA LTA - and there are still a lot of unknowns, and when I ask I get the usual "I don't remember," answer. Life moves on though, time shoves us forward whether we want it to or not. While I still have some bad days, I'm ok most of the time.

Totally understand everyone on here who's feeling this way. I am over 7 years from the last DDay, and feel very lonely, sad, confused, and unable to get past it as every time I look at my FWH of over 40 years, I feel the betrayal again. I know the love I had is never coming back, only a small percentage is still there. I cannot force myself to feel more. It is gone. That's probably the hardest part. Knowing the strong and total love I had for him will never return. He was my man, my lover, my life partner. Never would I have ever believed I would end up in this situation, or that he would ever cheat...for almost 2 years with an alcoholic, dysfunctional lying co-worker. Our lives get disrupted and almost destroyed for their selfishness and pleasure. I wish I could turn back time and just leave the first time, or the second or even the third time I found out. Now I'm almost 65, do I start a new life now?

an odd turn.....

I have met several people lately who have lost their partner to death....

we often stated on SI....it would have been easier if they past away, instead of cheating or D.

They are in so much pain...even 7 years later...its the same triggers...same anxiety....no sleep....PTSD.....this is very similar....in a sad way...

you are normal....this is how so many process this, even years later....its still a process...

..I never knew there were so many of us....living in anxiety....for so long...

This is your new and different marriage....

I look at everyone differently now....and wonder what they are living with or going thru..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 2:51 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

Hi there- mad hatter here...

I am so sorry that you have all found yourselves here. I really, ReALLY am. If I can just say this...

As someone who was once you OP, (though I did not think of as my H’s porm use as infidelity for almost a decade after what I now consider DDAY 1), I wish I left before having an affair. I will ALWAYS regret that. I’m not saying that any of you are considering infidelity by any means. I’m saying listen to yourself. Follow your gut. If you think you shoukd leave, if even for a short time, do it. Do it the second you’re truly thinking Of packing. I asked my husband for a divorce when I knew. He told me we couldn’t afford it. A month later I accepted the advances of another and have been cleaning up ever since. The amount of pain and damage I’ve caused the people that I love the mist in this world is incomprehensible. The shame and guilt I carry with my scarlet letter bears not only infidelity, and mad hatting, but also a double betrayal. I shoukd have just left. God, I wish I just left.

I wish you all strength and love and light. There are a million healthy choices you can make in an attempt to save the marriage. If I can prevent omlets to a shit Ton of agony by posting this (I try to stick to the wayward side with my posts), it’s worth any criticism I get here for posting. I am so sorry that you all are here. Truly. I hope your wayward is also making healthy choices. Godspeed.

Edited to add that ‘omelets’ was supposed to be anyone else but omelets made me smile so I kept it in. ☺️

[This message edited by FoenixRising at 3:02 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

Hi, 14 years out here, I still, not very often, have real moments of doubt.

A couple months ago I went into a rage out of nowhere, which hasn't happened in a few years. I slammed him, I mean I really gave it to him. I cannot even remember what triggered me, but whatever it was just brought back all the rage I had experienced for years. My WH TT me for YEARS, so that's probably part of it. Lots of little things I had to find out on my own.

We are OK. Just OK. Our marriage will never be the same, but we are close to retirement age, I pretty much stayed so my children would not be children of divorce like I was. I put them first, and I don't regret it. Leaving at this point would hurt us financially as we are fairly set to enjoy retirement without many financial concerns.

To be honest, I think had we divorced I probably would be in a much better head space. Several of my friends had cheating husbands, they divorced, and are really enjoying the single life dating, traveling, and not having to ever think about this sh*t again.

Every situation is different. Find a good IC to help you figure all of this out.

I’m a WS, over 9 years out from D-day and divorce, 5 out from remarriage. I wish I had stayed divorced. Getting remarried to someone I knew damn well I wasn’t compatible with is one of my biggest regrets.

Yeah, I’m now seven years out in September. I feel the same.

It’s like I can’t listen to my wH anymore without hearing him mansplaining how much better he is now than when he had the affairs. I still love him, but I’ll be fine if something happens and he fucks another 21 year old again. In fact, I may even be better, because I’ll be gone.

I don’t want to leave for many reasons- he’s a good partner, a great father, and a good human being.

But I’m just broken. I will never trust another human being again. So hope for life with another person instead of him is gone. It’s not like I’m gonna leave him to be with someone else. I’ve decided I just hate people. All of them.

There is a thread that talks about a WS not getting enough sex from their BS, and it triggers the fuck out of me. I haven’t had an orgasm with my WH in the same room in two years because I don’t want to feel emotionally intimate with him. The only thing that saves me from pain is walling off myself from him entirely. And sex becomes what one WS called “her marital obligation”, and he complained about this. I view my withdrawal as being the only thing I can do to survive this pain.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s done the work. He’s a good human being. But I’m mentally in Hawaii by myself. I’m sure he senses that he is alone in this marriage, but oh well. Consequences, right?

Getting a divorce won’t make anything better. It may free him up, but oh well. That’s not my problem.

JKS It never gets perfectly better again, does it? Can't see how really. It will be four years post discovery the end of this month. I still think about separating; not every day but probably a few times during the week. I think about particulars-how I would do things if we weren't together. Things that bothered me about him before discovery loom really large in the post discovery era.

But you ask about the "right thing" to do. Surely the right thing to do is what would make you feel the best; the right thing would be which way of life will give you more satisfaction, more happiness. You've mentioned working for the relationship.

I don't understand why a betrayed would think he or she was in any way obliged to work at the relationship. Presumably that work was going on prior to the betrayal and just wasn't work enough. Post discovery my view is that as long as the betrayed continues to live with the betrayer all that's owed is basic courtesy--no more or less than would be shown to a roommate--to another human being. In my view what work needs doing is only on self-care-work to feel better, work to come to a place of serenity; work to get better so as to be able to feel joy in life again. Work to feel sane.

So nothing about working on the relationship as such though the betrayed might want to be putting in every effort on that if he or she feels there is any hope for a better relationship or, any maybe even more importantly, if he wants to become healthier, more trustworthy person.

But about continuing to live together? If you think you might be happier if you don't continue then you might try out living apart. A trial separation might help you better decide.

In the meantime, sounds like you are doing delightful things. Sounds like you've already taken all the good advice given to betrayed--focus on self, focus on doing things that you enjoy.

Perhaps for some of us, it really doesn't matter all that much whether we stay or not. If each day is ok--even more than ok--if we're doing things that we like, enjoying life inspire of occasional triggers and the anxiety and discomfort they bring, if on the whole we're good despite occasional memories, bad thoughts, then maybe we're doing the right thing.

Your girls weekend sounds awesome. Thank you for sharing that good news with us, it's inspiring.

Un-Forgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

At almost 7 years out from DD1, I don't regret staying. At the same time I don't see staying as an irrevocable decision.

Coming up on 7 years. He's done "the work", he thanks me quite often actually and is grateful.

I know I will never be the same person I was before. I have a "new normal". But this was life changing ... I look at him and I feel love for him...but the infidelity is always just there, below the surface.

I do honestly believe that infidelity/adultery is a deal breaker for all of us. The choice to stay and recover/reconcile is a hard road. I have no regrets. I just accept the unacceptable happened.

Peace to us all

I mostly lurk, but this post got to me. I'm years out now. We, read "I", rugswept the A, moved away from the AP, and life went on. Kids grew up. Somewhere wedged in between all of the intervening months and years was a belief I adopted that we had survived.

A sequence of events around 5 years ago proved I was living in a fool's paradise. That's when my processing of the A actually began. So maybe I'm also 5 years out.

Who I was before is much different than who I am now. Pre A, I remember thinking often how lucky I was to have my family.

WW and I do get along well enough. I just no longer harbor any illusions of our great love story or being destined for one another. Of more importance to me is a greatly reduced capacity to feel joy of any sort. I remember experiencing it before.

[This message edited by Vomitousmass at 10:45 PM, December 13th (Sunday)]

Coming up on 4 years post DD and 3 years post divorce......

DD brought me to me knees. I could have never ever imagined my wife would be living a double life for 3, 4... who knows how many years. She never told the truth but what I discovered on my own was enough.

I knew myself well enough to know within a couple of weeks this was a deal breaker. I filed and we were divorced within a year. There are scars of course but I've slowly rebuilt my life. I simply could not spend the rest of my remaining years on this earth with someone capable of this level of lying and abuse.

This thread helps me with thinking I made the right call.

May we all heal from this trauma eventually.

This thread helps me with thinking I made the right call.

I was about to post the exact same thing.