SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I guess you have to decide whether or not you want to stay and take another risk with your cheating spouse. You can’t undo the cheating. You will never look at the cheating spouse the same. It is completely your decision and a gamble

I know some people get annoyed with me sometimes because I draw a hard line in the sand.

But I believe being in R for 34 yrs has given me an insight not shared by many.

Bottom line is, if the WS tried to fix their broken self in an inappropriate way once before, there’s not a good way to predict what they’ll do the next time their inner self or soul is cracking.

The best you can do is love them if you decide to stay and just make sure you keep your own life on track in case you end up living it alone

As I have shared many times before, I am a recovering alcoholic and my FWH is a recovering addict/alcoholic/sex addict. In the rooms of recovery, we accept the fact that there is a high percentage of relapse. In order to avoid that, we have to consistently commit to working on ourselves on a daily basis and to practicing the principles of the 12 steps in all our affairs for our entire lives. We must practice rigorous honesty in both self-reflection and in dealing with other people. We work diligently on our spiritual condition. We attend meetings every week, we have sponsors to help us stay sober and we have a network of other alcoholics/addicts that we can call when we need support. This kind of network as well as the commitment to do the work necessary to staying sober helps keep us sober, but does not guarantee it. I feel that it is a gift that my FWH has a 12 step program, a sponsor and a network of others who can help him stay on the right path. He had 20 years of sobriety from drugs/alcohol when he fell down the rabbit hole. He now attends 2 12 step programs with fidelity and IC twice per month. Although, I am anxious about the possibility of a relapse and another affair, I have put my ducks in a row financially and will divorce him if there is a repeat performance. This may sound cold, but I figure my odds are best with someone who seems committed to being a better person and safe partner. There are no guarantees that anyone else I find would be any more monogamous or ethical. I cannot control what he does, only my own actions. Therefore, I have done what I can to be stronger and more independent. There is a saying in AA: It is what it is, it is ONLY what it is, and it is not what it is not. Sounds kind of stupid, but it keeps my crazy-anxious head in the right space.

I think we have to imagine ourselves in ten years time facing a discovery and be able to say, I stayed for the right reasons and I’m at peace with my decision even though my direction might now change.

^^^^^this

It would be the same with a new partner. There are no guarantees after all. Should you meet another man now you have no clue if he’ll cheat on you or not. The same would apply, knowing that you’re capable to stand on your own two feet should you find yourself in the same situation again.

^^^^^and this

There are not any guarentees in life. I've seen many people here come back with a new discovery with a new relationship, too. Or they are here for the first time but have experienced infedelity in past relationships.

My fwh is SA. There will always be a risk. However, I stay because he us genuinely working a 12 step program, for himself, not me. And I would be totally pissed if I had let him go, he does all this work to become the man I knew he could be and some person down the road gets the benefits of his hard work. When all I got was the crap? That, I think, would really suck!

Today, I get to enjoy a great man and a wonderful marriage. If down the road, the addiction wins and I have to no longer participate in this relationship. That will suck, too. But I will have had what I have today. Today is all that really matters. If I have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, I am pissing on today.

So, when fears if what "might" happen rear their ugly head, I remind myself that there is just as much change of good things happening, as bad.

[This message edited by sunwillshine at 11:49 AM, August 17th (Saturday)]

I have noticed this, too. Things seem to come in waves, don't they? A few weeks ago I was noticing that there seemed to be a lot of new BHes.

There is no way to know for sure what another person is thinking, feeling, and doing, what their intentions are. We only know what they show us. Every relationship is a risk.

I think there are signs we can look for, red flags or real change. I think there are certain types of cheaters who are safer than others. Serial cheaters, cheaters who use prostitutes, or have many ONSes are probably not ever going to be safe. Cheaters who have LTAs, I'm not sure. I agree that a lot probably depends on the type of person the cheater was before the A, if there ever was a before.

Honestly, I think most cheaters will never be safe partners. The self reflection is extremely hard. On top of that, they then have to do a lot of hard emotional and psychological work to overcome their flaws in character. Most people can't hack it.

I've been seeing a theme in the threads I've read lately. It goes to BPs doing way too much work trying to save the M. I think, if a BP really wants to k ow of R is worth it, they need to completely detach from the CP and watch what they do. If the CP gives up, whines, complains that the BO is not doing enough, they aren't worth R. If the CP continues to do the work on themself regardless of what the BP does, there is a chance.

My cheater believed we worked past his cheating from 1996.

He was still lying, I have PTSD. He has RAGE.

Yet, he hid a coworker from me, blamed ME for not rugsweeping this time, and for blowing up his world over all of it.

Fact is, I did so much to anticipate and prevent infidelity in my marriage. I DID.

When the WS lies to their partner, to themselves, to the world, they are still cheating.

Why wouldn’t they keep fucking around? Their behavior isn’t costing them anywhere near what it costs the BSs.

So, I’m not leaving SI, not taking a break. I will keep the steady pressure on until I die.

Fuck trust. What is that anyway?

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 4:26 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

No disrespect to anyone here, but I'm of the opinion, once a cheater, then probably always a cheater. Maybe not in deed, but in heart. It like Vegas. The only ones that get the balls and lights are the winners. The losers far outnumber them and they are anonymous. I'm not being a cynic, just a realist. The ads why I decided not to gamble, especially with the prize being a lying, cheating wife. The recent flood of stories has only served to firmly solidify my resolve.

I think we have to imagine ourselves in ten years time facing a discovery and be able to say, I stayed for the right reasons and I’m at peace with my decision even though my direction might now change.

^^^^^this

It would be the same with a new partner. There are no guarantees after all. Should you meet another man now you have no clue if he’ll cheat on you or not. The same would apply, knowing that you’re capable to stand on your own two feet should you find yourself in the same situation again.

^^^^^and this

^^^^^and this.

R is a risk, but D has its pains, too.

No one is responsible for me except me. Others can help me, but the responsibility for me is my own.

I can help my W, but the responsibility for her is hers.

If she hurts me again ... I believe it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I keep writing that the BS needs a remorseful WS for R to work and that the BS needs to resolve his own pain.

I guess i should start adding something to te effect that both BS and WS have to resolve issues as they arise, and to do otherwise is to put R at risk. If the WS stuffs feelings, it's too easy for the WS to go back to old wayward thinking and behavior.

And if the BS rug-sweeps issues, the BS may be enabling old wayward thinking and behavior....

R has risks, but raising issues as they arise mitigates those risks.

Courage, ibonnie, courage.

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:03 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

(71319)

Today's membership count.

Until we get something close to this coming back, I don't think you need to fear that there is no hope. It just feels like everyone is coming back again, but that is only your fear talking. I don't think we're even at 1,000 yet, so thousands and thousands are probably reconciled and fine and have no desire (and PTSD) about visiting here.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:12 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

I'm honestly freaking out and on the verge of a panic attack after just reading another BS returning to SI after many, many, many years of false R.

Scares me, too, sometimes. I know that it's always a possibility (lesson learned). The difference is knowing that I survive. In fact, I've thought about it so often that I'm already prepared for it. I won't question who am I and what I "should" do. I already know the answers to those questions.

I can't spend the rest of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. If it drops, it drops. At least I'll have shoes on when I walk out the door.

Learn from these members, ibonnie. Their stories may be difficult to read and trigger the bejesus out of you, but they're not your story.

You don't have to have faith in your husband. It helps, I think, to have faith in yourself.

In other words, don't sweat it. If your tough enough to survive infidelity then... well... you can survive infidelity.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 11:39 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

it takes a special kind of WS to go to prostitutes and I think that puts them in the highest risk bracket for re-offending especially if the BS doesn't push for some form of truth or doesn't hold them accountable for it. The addiction is stronger and the temptation is greater.

This, exactly this. My cheating ex did not give me the option to reconcile, but after a year-and-a-half, I now know that he did me a huge favor, finally. I only wish I had not wasted so many years with him.

I loved this man and was so trusting and naive that when he "was brutally honest" with me, telling me that he cheated on his first wife with prostitutes during business trips, I actually FELT SORRY for him - because he told me that he only did it because she wasn't giving him sex at home.

In reality, he would go to Vegas with his boss, regularly, and every single time the two of them would go trolling for hookers. Disgusting.

And then, with me, I don't think he ever used hookers but only because he wasn't working a traditional job while married to me. No opportunity. He did use porn, though. I don't necessarily think it is horrible to look at porn, unless it replaces intimacy with your spouse or causes you to objectify your spouse or have unrealistic expectations.

One morning I caught him masturbating in his shop, using his cellphone, right after I'd returned home from a long work trip. He had his wife in the bed waiting for him, and he chose to sneak out to his shop and use porn. One of the many red flags.

His dad, sister, brother, mother - all cheaters. To think I believed he was the "good one" in his family. I honestly feel bad for the woman he's currently with. I got out of infidelity. She is no doubt stuck in the middle of it.