SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Before doing the hard 180, I fluctuated between staring at him constantly or barely looking at him, when he undressed I would say (almost nightly) to him..."was she blind?"

"com'on she must of been fall down drunk!", "she was obviously wearing beer goggles", "was she really only 22?", "did you stay fully clothed?" "did she have 'Daddy' issues"?

I said many many more hurtful things before finding this site,

Then came my hard 180, thats when he started to beg me for any reaction, look at him, talk to him, eat with him, touch him, anything at all, I found the longer I done it the easier it became till I didn't even notice he was in the room with me sharing space!!

I can’t stand hearing him talk or breathe either.

LOL

My WH is loud all the time and sometimes, don't know what causes it, but my left ear will be super sensitive to his voice. There's actually a spasm type reaction in my ear and I have to turn my head. This happens with no one else. Not even at a loud concert.

His breathing doesn't get to me it's the sounds he makes while eating. Especially slurping soup. 😂

I regularly can’t look at him or in the eye. When he told me how his massage parlour worked I pointedly looked at the wall. Did not look at him again that night.

It is hard not seeing them as a cheater. So it is easier to not look at them. When I do I don’t know him.

I hate listening to him eat. Almost start twitching. In fact sometimes I can’t watch that either.

Mine lied and cheated for over 10 years too.

What emotion most drives the avoidance? Disgust? Distrust? Shame? Hate? Anger? Dislike? Utter lack of respect? Or is it we just see our pain and betrayal?

It's a normal reaction. The emotions run all over the place especially in the first days, weeks and even few months following DDay.

I couldn't look at my husband for awhile. He made that easy though as he wasn't around much while he was staying with a mutual friend trying to "figure out" if he wanted to come to his senses and put our marriage back together.

Of course, when he (we) decided to work on our marriage then I had to make the hard decision to look at him. How could we work on getting things back on the right track if I couldn't even look at him? It was hard but after time it eventually got easier until I realized one day that I was looking at him and it didn't make me cringe.

I hope this gives you some support and encouragement.

What emotion most drives the avoidance? Disgust? Distrust? Shame? Hate? Anger? Dislike? Utter lack of respect? Or is it we just see our pain and betrayal?

I found that it actually hurt my brain to look at him. There's a brain damage that they inflict upon us on DDay. For years this person is your spouse whom you love and trust and who means so much to you. Then suddenly you discover that this same person is actually a cheating ass who disrespected you and hurt you worse than anyone ever has, treated you like a nothing. Lied and misrepresented your life to you. So when you see his face, the conflicting views are just too hard for the brain to reconcile and it's almost like risking the blue screen of death to look at him and almost feel your brain's programming trying and failing to make sense of what you're seeing. It's like watching the spinning on the browser when your internet is acting up. It's almost physically painful. I remember looking at my XWH and just crying and I couldn't put into words why. I'd say "You aren't you!". Or I'd disassociate almost and blur his face in my head because it just did not compute.

Is that nuts or does that make sense?

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 3:17 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

What emotion most drives the avoidance? Disgust? Distrust? Shame? Hate? Anger? Dislike? Utter lack of respect? Or is it we just see our pain and betrayal?

All of the above? Funny about the disgust part. That's probably what I felt more than anything else; the word "hurt" just didn't seem to fit--might have felt hurt if there had been a love affair--an emotional connection--if he had left for someone else. But a decade of twice weekly visits to the parlors for massage and hjs? No-that is just disgusting-creepy-nauseating. One of the SI members talked about the importance of recognizing our emotions--he mentioned anger, shame, hate, love--but no mention of disgust. I wondered at first if disgust was really an emotion but then it didn't matter-that was the feeling that pretty much ruled. Still don't know how my H can stand being with someone even to take a walk thinking he disgusting to me. Or maybe he just can't accept that that's true.

I told my IC I couldn't now bare to look at my H with his clothes off--she said then don't.

Sad to live with someone you can look at in the eye-can't look at unless he's dressed. And yes, awful to find someone's eating disgusting. And what about when they have a cold and cough?

I can’t stand hearing him talk or breathe either.

Same here.

His A was bad enough, but the fact that he has not done "the work" after I gave him another chance is like rubbing salt in the wound. Therefore, I don't even want to be around him at times.

Don't even get me started on the snoring. Him sawing logs in blissful slumber as I lay wide awake with my own thoughts - of him and AP.

Why shouldn't he sleep soundly? After all, his A was just a little "blip"----in fact to him it's like it never happened.

It's hard to believe that someone could look ME in the eye and tell me that they loved me and the next day tell another person the same thing.

Yes! Exactly! How screwed up does one have to be to do that? In my case it would be within minutes of each other (he would tell me he loved me before I fell asleep and immediately jump on Facebook and tell her the same thing).

My WH is loud all the time

Mine too! He can be doing stuff around the house and he's just so loud. It drives me slowly insane! I can't handle his constant noise. Can he just pretend to not exist for a few minutes? That'd be cool.

Is that nuts or does that make sense?

DevastatedDee, it makes complete sense!

He will sit there next to me and want to stare at me, like he's examining my face. Like now he appreciates what I bring to the table. I can't hold his gaze for long. I just can't. One, it's awkward to be stared at anyway, but then two, the mind games kick in and I start seeing only the man who cheated on me for years and years. When I am having a good day I can at least look at him. The bad days I just want him to disappear.

was she really only 22?

Ha! Seriously. One of his online gals (who was his waitress and they continued online) was only 22 at the time, him 52. He's not a bad looking man, but she was really pretty and young and my first thought was "WTH? I do not get that at all!" Now of course I know she just wanted money so it makes more sense.

I am admittedly not good at the 180. Some days I do it just to regain my sanity, but it's not consistent. I am sure it would ultimately be the best thing for me, but I don't know. I feel like I'm not there yet.

Am I the only one who has to limit time with WH? I resent him calling too often. And I don’t even have to look at him then.

Yesterday we spent time. He wanted to spend more. I couldn’t.

Am I the only one who has to limit time with WH?

I don't think you're alone. I am an introvert though so have to limit my time with people in general. lol

I've gotten to the point where I've told the ex that I don't even want to be under the same roof as her. The only time I find I can look her in the eye is when I'm angry. Otherwise, I look elsewhere. i look at my phone, the floor, the kids, a painting, somewhere else. When I do make eye contact, that anger boils up and I know that it gets intense.

She act like I'm overreacting, but, FFS, she screwed my best friend for a year and a half, -in my house-, -on my bed-, while the kids were in the living room and I was at work. She flew halway across the country and extended her trip by a week so she could have a week of threesomes with her new partners, and yet -I- am out of line when I tell her to "go back to her new family"?

Piss on that. Ignore the heartless, soul-draining Dementors. They aren't worthy of our gaze.