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We are all humans with flaws, it's a fact. The more and more I research about narcissism the more I'm surprised that our M lasted as long as it did. Was I perfect, no way because I have flaws like all of us. Nobody is. Can I work on those flaws and look back and see where I could have improved myself, then and now. Absolutely, I am working on myself for the better part of my future. Did I cheat on my then WW while riding with a flat tire uphill, both ways, in the snow. No, I didn't. 50-50 is bullshit especially when the M itself felt like 90-10. Hmmm, I wonder who held the title of the 90% load

I don’t think problems in the M lead to cheating. I think it’s the opposite. When a person has the propensity to cheat, it leads to problems in the M.

Think about it. For some BS, there’s nothing they can do to keep a person from cheating. And I agree with the bicycle analogy. No one is perfect. But when a WS decides to cross that line, that’s their choice. It’s on them.

There is nothing I can do to keep WH from cheating. Cheating is choice. It does not matter how “good” of a spouse I am or what I do.

It takes two ppl to make a marriage work. If one checks out the other person can only do so much.

So yes I agree with the bicycle analogy

I agree SerJ. I'm not sure why it's even mentioned at all. Whatever percentage you're responsible for in your marriage has nothing to do with a partner cheating.

The issue is the coping mechanism reached for when someone is stressed, unhealthy or immature. How they arrived in this state isn't the issue. What they use to medicate themselves and giving themselves the go ahead to use it is.

I'm writing to add that a bike can keep going even with a bad wheel, just as an M can keep going with a partner who is messed up.

I say that as a cyclist who made his Campagnolo-hubbed wheel almost unusable 2 days ago. I had to get help from a bike shop for the first time in years.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:16 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]

"a bike can keep going even with a bad wheel, just as an M can keep going with a partner who is messed up."

A great point sisoon - and one which stress the importance of preventative maintenance and corrective actions.

(Sucks to hear about your bike, man.)

I've always interpreted that as: There are two people who make 1 marriage. I am 100% responsible for 1 of them, or 50% responsible for the marriage.

No matter the type of M that I have I can choose to talk to my spouse, insist on MC with my spouse, separate from or divorce my spouse. In any case I'm limited to control of 50% of the M and that 50% is 100% me.

[This message edited by devotedman at 10:32 AM, August 25th, 2019 (Sunday)]

To carry the bike analogy further... 1 party has full information about what's wrong with the bike, and one party is trying to diagnose problems in the M with partial or incorrect information. It's hard to fix a bicycle when the broken wheel is lying about why it's flat.

Love the bike analogy!! 100% works .. there are times that one partner puts in more work than the other and then it flips and that still works in a good relationship .. looking at the picture of the bike with the big wheel .. made me think of the relationship during an A .. one partner is doing most of the work the WS is doing the small percentage .. the relationship moves forward .. but is not not steady or well .. reason that bike was not popular and only see them in museums.

You're killing me, folks. I really need to to tear my bike down and clean and lube all the bearings, but I'd much rather take advantage of the good weather and ride.

Um ... wait ... this isn't a bike forum, is it? ....