SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After 12 years, I'm still seeing that cliche bandied about how both partners are responsible for 50% of the marriage problems.

In my opinion, I see this as a very nonconstructive mindset to adopt.

Consider a bicycle. It take two fully functioning wheels to make that thing hum along smoothly. If one of the tires is flat, then it doesn't matter how herculean of an effort the other wheel puts into it - the bike simply won't go anywhere. Either the other wheel has to do its part, or you have to convert it to a unicycle.

A marriage is the same thing. It takes two fully functioning partners to make it work. By pure logic and reasoning alone, it conversely takes only one partner to destroy it.

You are not responsible for 50% of the problems in the marriage. You are only responsible for 100% of your part in the marriage. There's a big difference. You are neither responsible for nor the victim of your partner's choices. Once you understand that and can put the focus on where it belongs - on your choices and on what you can do - are you able to move forward empowered.

[This message edited by SerJR at 9:03 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]

I agree.

I tried and tried to get my fch to open up at home and in counseling. I asked his friends to talk to him. It was obvious to me that he was going through something. He always said he was fine. Everything was fine. There was nothing more I could do. Then, he cheated.

I am 100% responsible for me. He is 100% responsible for him.

[This message edited by cocoplus5nuts at 8:55 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]

I was literally just thinking about this as I picked up my phone. I've always had a problem with this. It's like saying that everyone in the company is equally responsible for its failure, from the bank teller to the ececutive who embezzled billions into an offshore account. I do believe responsibility should be apportioned, but 50/50 Is just a way of trying to make things neat and tidy.

..sadly,.............................

..some people prefer a 'tricycle'

smy

"some people prefer a 'tricycle'"

Yeah... two flat tires on rusty rims heading in a different directions than the other wheel and the rest of the bike is quite a fucked up contraption.

[This message edited by SerJR at 9:11 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]

..

smy

Very well said...thanks for sharing .

I have said that. But I think for me it is just a generalization. As much as WS's like to 'rewrite' the marital history in a bad way, I do see some BS's who do a fair amount of rewriting too.

There are definitely serial cheaters, but I think a lot of the cheat part is because there are problems in the marriage, whatever those might be.

Because a marriage is a partenership, I do think that both parties contribute to those issues. It might now be a 50/50 contribution, but the majority of the time both parties do carry accountability for their part in those issues.

For me, I am trying to untangle things to see what my parts of the marital problems were. I'm doing that for my own self so I can (A) forgive myself for the mistakes I made, and (B) avoid making those mistakes in the future.

Just one person's opinion.

I think a lot of the cheat part is because there are problems in the marriage

I agree that the BS can be responsible for issues in the marriage. And I agree too, that a BS can rewrite history - either in the form of what they want to believe or what they're afraid might be true. That's why you have to be honest with yourself and your part.

And I also agree that a problematic marriage can create the conditions where a WS is more likely to cheat - but only in the sense that icy conditions can expose poor driving. Again, you are responsible for how you choose to act.

I think Frank Pittman said it best - "Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages."

I think it's great that you're trying to understand where you're coming from and willing to work on you and your self improvement. That's the only way in which you can grow and evolve to meet the next challenge that comes your way

[This message edited by SerJR at 9:42 AM, August 24th (Saturday)]

SerJR you phrased it way better than I did, but that's what I was driving at. Just that a healthy M between two emotionally/mentally healthy people generally speaking infidelity is less likely to occur.

For me, I am trying really hard not to view my M with rose colored glasses because that would be me being dishonest with myself. I made mistakes, and the way I learn from them is to acknowledge them and strive not to make the same ones again.

I haven't had enough coffee today so I hope I'm making sense

All of this to say that I appreciated your points LOL

The unicycle can be a pretty sweet ride once you learn how to balance. I'm digging it for now.

I 100% agree.

I tried for YEARS to talk to my husband. I bought books, shared articles, made date nights, etc.

He did nothing. Well, except fuck the first cOW who opened her legs.

The only thing I take blame for in my marriage pre-A is accepting less than I deserved for so many years. I am angry at myself for letting him slide by for so long and making excuses for him. It was "good enough". On the positive side, this A has made me realize that. I will never again accept less than I deserve.

Watch out - here comes LosferWords!!!

"The only thing I take blame for in my marriage pre-A is accepting less than I deserved for so many years. I am angry at myself for letting him slide by for so long and making excuses for him. It was "good enough". On the positive side, this A has made me realize that. I will never again accept less than I deserve."

Absolutely - just as we're responsible for our part, we are just as much responsible for respecting our needs. If the wheel needs a little oil or the tire needs a little air, you can't ignore it and hope things will work out magically in the end. Good for you!

SoManyYears. That was a good one

I tried and tried to get my fch to open up at home and in counseling. I asked his friends to talk to him. It was obvious to me that he was going through something. He always said he was fine. Everything was fine. There was nothing more I could do. Then, he cheated.

Me too. And I agree with SerJr - we are each 100% responsible for what we did in the M. I'm not perfect, which includes my role as "wife".

I do think those percentages fluctuate for me. Some days, CH is 150% responsible for EVERYTHING. That's not fair or reasonable, but it's how I feel sometimes. Other days I would chalk my behavior up to as much as 75%. When I'm in that space, I have to ask myself why? I consider myself a "good person", but far from a perfect "wife" . I think it comes from that "pull" on a BS to think s/he bears responsibility for the A in that if I'd just been or done X, I wouldn't be in such immeasurable agony today - that if I'd been "better" this wouldn't have happened type thinking. Sometimes it can be hard to distinguish between my foibles and that trauma/lizard brain induced sway to think there was SOMETHING we could have done differently to prevent the bombing of our M.

Which may be how I ultimately get to something closer to 50/50. This is when I try to take a reasonable look at my flaws and faults, of which there were MANY (predominantly depression or SSRI related lack of motivation, but also a heavy dose of judgmental thinking and not being as considerate of my CH - sometimes taking him for granted, exacerbated by a tendency to shout waaaaaay too much). After dday, I realize that while my CH was "keeping the trains on time" at home, he was building some VERY hard and deep resentments, and that while he could never productively talk about it, they ooozed out of him pretty regularly - not "just" by having an A, but in many other ways of widening his distance, like drinking excessively (that was often VERY embarrassing not only bc he''d be sh*tfaced, but he'd get combative- even in public - if I'd ask him to slow down), and cruel statements to or about me that he'd then say were "jokes" that really hurt and cut me to the core. When I add in all the behaviors and character traits that led to the A, it creates a pretty bad dynamic between us.

Where I get stumped - still - is that I pretty consistently tried to get CH to IC or MC and with a single exception pretty early in the M (that he abandoned w/in a year), he always refused. This includes some VERY strong pleas (more like begging) w/in weeks of his LTA EA turning LTA PA. I distinctly remember when he screamed at me "it's just work" when I asked what was wrong and trying to get him to IC/MC. I don't know if I will ever be able to let go of the chip on my shoulder about that - and in turn - the tendency to keep the non-A "scales" uneven.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:55 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]

Very true.

My H was 100% responsible for his dysfunctional, disrespectful treatment of me.

And I was 100% responsible for tolerating it. This was very hard for me to see, that his porn habit, sexual addiction, alcoholism, and irresponsibility could only cause me problems if I continued to stay in the marriage. I was stuck in the resentment I felt that I had to divorce and lose everything just because he refused to change. My RA was actually like a tantrum because I was so angry that he wouldn't change.

Yep, he is 100% responsible if he is a jerk.

And I am 100% responsible if I stay married to a jerk.

This is what we both see and work on now. He tries to be caring and thoughtful and "see" my needs, and I try to stick to behaving differently and enforcing boundaries rather than feeling sorry for myself or complaining about his poor behavior. I do not allow myself to complain and do nothing, and I do not allow myself to feel sorry for myself. I hold myself 100% responsible for my happiness now. He's a part of making me happy or he's gone.

As much as WS's like to 'rewrite' the marital history in a bad way, I do see some BS's who do a fair amount of rewriting too.

There are definitely serial cheaters, but I think a lot of the cheat part is because there are problems in the marriage, whatever those might be.

Adulterous spouses are strongly guilt-motivated to rewrite the marital history to give themselves an excuse and justification for committing a wrong for which there is NO excuse or justification.

We all know the rewrite is page 1, chapter 1, and line 1 of the fable “Cheaters Manual”.

I’m trying to think of any reason why I or any other faithful spouse would have any motivation or need to rewrite the marital history.

Most every faithful spouse here has said to the effect “We had our issues but...” or “We had normal marriage issues but...”.

They had the integrity to be true to their adulterous spouse so why would they then need to compromise their integrity and lie about the marital history?

And, most of all...

There is NO problem, issue, rough-patch, or any “thing” about any marriage that renders an adult married man/father or woman/mother incapable of knowing FUNDAMENTAL right from wrong.

Marital problems DO NOT lead to infidelity.

Marital problems can lead to divorce.

Personal moral failure leads to infidelity.

Infidelity has nothing to do with the marriage. Period.

SerJR, I agree your 50/50 marriage problems point.

I’ve always thought that was bullshit.

One spouse can easily contribute over 90% of the problems.

Ask any spouse married to a drug addict/alcoholic or abusive spouse.

a healthy M between two emotionally/mentally healthy people generally speaking infidelity is less likely to occur.

Yes. There are also Ms with one emotionally,/mentally healthy partner and one who is not. There is only so much the healthy partner can do. One of the key indicators of a healthy partner is that s/he can express his/her feelings, problems, concerns, frustration ok ns, whatever, because there are always going to be problems in a LTR. If one partner refuses to do that, they are the cause of the problems.

KMW - I am by no means saying that any BS is in any way responsible for A. Sorry if that was how it came across. Just saying that (at least in my case) that right after DDay1, I did a fair amount of rewriting my M. Saying it was better than it actually was because... I needed to get why it happened? I am not sure, but I know it took me a few months to really come to terms and admit to myself that our marriage was really not in good shape pre-A. It absolutely doesn't excuse the A, nothing can. But it helps me to put some context around it. Does that clarify my stance a little better?

CP5N - Very true. Again, speaking from my own experiences, I generally was the healthier in my M but until the A happened, I didn't know how fucked up my WH truly was. I do know that I got complacent and quit trying to address things because of my own history. That part is on me.