SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just to address some of the question the above posters have asked:

Yes, they have moved out of the country. I've confirmed it.

I believe that they have had no contact as I am monitoring all forms of communication.

They met at our childrens school. At drop off. I know him and have talked with him before.

As a side note, during one of my interrogations with her, she admitted to cheating before with her previous fiance. 3 times with 3 different men.

Just to let everyone know, I am taking care of my self. Limited alcohol, eating right and exercising. Unfortunately, I only get about 4-6 hours of sleep a night. I feel like I know too much of the details about their sexual encounters. I mean everything. locations, times, positions and acts. It's killing me!

I just want to know why she did this to me? After all of my questions, she still hasn't answered that one.

Thank all of you so much, I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. I've been keeping it bottled up for over a month now.

It was never YOU.

Do not cheat on her or have a revenge affair. It is a mistake. It will not provide you with anything more than guilt and regret.

I understand your pain even better now that you detailed how your first marriage ended.

I hope this new revelation is not a game changer because being cheated on in both marriages could be your deal breaker.

I’m sorry for you.

3 years (that you know of) is not an affair, it is an attempt at another life. Or at the vary least a duel life. You must really let that fact sink in...real deep. This is absolutely verified by the fact that she told you she couldn't (translated

didn't want to) stop it and you had to end it. In your house means in your marital bed and 10 times can most likely be timed by 4.

She is a serial cheater. Real high on narcissism and real low on empathy. Do not use your children as the sole reason to stay. They will grow up just fine in two loving homes as compared to a home where a parent is in constant anguish.

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 1:05 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

As a side note, during one of my interrogations with her, she admitted to cheating before with her previous fiancé

Google "serial cheater". You have no clue what you're up against.

Not to pile on but as everyone says "Cheaters lie" One of the lies that she has told you is almost surely the number of times they had sex. 10 times in 3 years??? Nope. The number is much higher than that. I'm sorry.

As a side note, during one of my interrogations with her, she admitted to cheating before with her previous fiance. 3 times with 3 different men.

Arg. I'm pulling my hair out here. How can you even think about staying with her?

And by all means, tell the wife of guy she cheated on you with for 3 years - include evidence.

She led a double life. Did you catch her or did she confess? Her past (cheated on her fiancé with 3 different men) and now with you is troublesome. She’s pretty fucked up mentally.

Can I emphasise the following: NOTIFY THE OTHER BETRAYED SPOUSE NOW! DON’T TELL YOUR WIFE YOU WILL. She needs to know that her husband was in a LTA.

Please get STD and STI tested. I’m afraid this may not have been the first affair she had in your marriage. Yes, you need to DNA test your children. To drive home the seriousness, too, of what she’s done.

You have a very long road in front of you. LTA’s are really difficult to get over. You were her sexual Plan B for a long time.

I really want to talk to the other wife, just to be sure she knows. The problem is I don't have her contact info and she is definitely out of the country. I've tried to connect with her on FB and Linkedin. No reply. If she does know, would she really want to talk to me anyway?

Thank you all

Do you really think she will (or even can) change for you? That's an honest question.

From reading around here since I've joined SI, it seems that with serial cheaters you'll always be waiting for when the other shoe eventually drops. And it ALWAYS does.

Pgapro , you did what you could for the OBS and the the confirmation that the OM left the country is a good thing.

However, if your WW cheated 3 times while being engaged, that’s not good news. Because Waywards lie and serial cheaters lie even more, there’s a possibility that there are other OMs, you will need to consider that.

There’s a yellow box on the top left, which will lead you to the healing library. Read about the 180. You need to detach, so to take a clearer decision on your way forward.

Can she leave for a few days?

But whatever you do, never lose your temper. If you need to talk to her, talk calmly but firmly. Stay in control of the situation.

It’s good that you take care of yourself. Can you talk to a close friend or family member? Of course, you can post here as often as you like.

Hundreds of SI members will tell you that you can, and you will get through this.

I was cheated on for 2.5 years. I divorced him. He lied to my face for years, manipulated me, spent our money on her and like all cheaters was 100 percent disrespectful.

Your wife is a skilled/really good liar. Can do it without guilt. You need to verify everything. Access to all devices, email, computers and social media. She might still be talking to him so don’t just believe her words. She needs IC to address her integrity problem. Talk to his wife if you can and verify the stories match and that she knows.

This was something she could have stopped but didn’t want to. You already caught her in another lie.

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 3:07 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

I would suggest right now that you go out and buy a VAR (voice activated recorder), Pgapro. You need to have it on you whenever you are talking with her. You don't know which way conversations will turn. There have been too many occurrences of BS being accused of DV.

In three years with plenty of opportunity it would be very unusual that they had sex only 10 times. As others have said, cheaters lie and minimize.

My WW cheated on the only other boyfriend she had other than me multiple times with multiple boys/men. She cheated on me before we were married and she had an LTA with a COW for 4 years while were married. All of this I found out after finding out about the LTA.

Past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour. That is even more so when past behaviour has been repeated.

I just want to know why she did this to me? After all of my questions, she still hasn't answered that one

There really is no other answer to this question aside from because she wanted to. She's serial cheater that neither loves nor respects you or the sanctity of marriage.

Knowing about the 3 OM from her previous relationship, I think that there's no way this is her only time cheating on you.

She should not be married.

I agree with GoldenR. You can't fix her and I don't even know why you are making the effort.

What she did was heinous. You need to get and keep your kids, move on and find someone who wants you and that you can trust

Thank you all again for all of the heartfelt input. It is very difficult to describe all of the circumstances surrounding my wife current and past affairs. There are a few things that I believe to be true:

Although she had cheated before with a previous fiance, I don't feel she is a serial cheater. But there is definitely something wrong with her.

Most of you feel that she has had sex with him more than 10 times. While this may be true I don't believe that the total number is that much more if any. There just wasn't enough opportunity.

Edit: I also want to clarify- not that it makes it better- the sex with him was for 2 years. The emotional part lasted for the year prior.

Some have suggested that I should just bail on the marriage. I want to at least give it my best effort and let the situation play out.

I also realize that all of the above statements are naive, and coming from a place that wants to defend my wifes actions because I still love her.

Again I thank all of you for all of your input and appreciate this forum as a safe place for me to express my emotions.

[This message edited by Pgapro at 3:44 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

Most are in denial upfront. Realization takes awhile

Pgapro:

Vent away! That’s what the forum is for. We have all been through this. It is possible that your WW could actually change and be a candidate for R. Over the years many have done it. But she has to really be committed to you and your M. It is a hard long road. And even if she is totally committed, down the road you may feel that this was a dealbreaker for you. We have seen too many who commit to R too quickly and rugsweep the A. That never works. As long as your WW says that it was a mistake she is not a candidate for R. As long as she says it was not stoppable she is not a candidate for R. Take your time. Be vigilant. You are in control of whether the M continues. You decide what you need from your WW to earn your trust. Total honesty, empathy for your pain, a written timeline of the A, total transparency with her phone and devices. She should read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by McDonald. Read in the healing library. Give yourself time to take in the emotional trauma and watch her actions. Words are cheap. She should get into IC to deal with her “why’s” of how she could betray you. Trust your gut. In the end you are the only one who has to live with your decision, R or D. You will receive support here either way. You do you. Take the advice you can use and leave the rest. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 4:22 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

As a side note, during one of my interrogations with her, she admitted to cheating before with her previous fiance. 3 times with 3 different men.

Oh boy, Serial cheater. Much like a serial killer. And like a serial killer, their actions are not born of passion. It’s who they are as much as it is what they do.

I just want to know why she did this to me? After all of my questions, she still hasn't answered that one.

Because as much as it sucks to hear, you don’t matter. Not in her mind. She matters. It about her, what she wants, what she does. Me Me Me.

I don't feel she is a serial cheater.

Your feelings are running up against data. And data does not lie. I can “feel” like gravity does not exist. But if I step off the roof I am going to get some data, some feedback from the ground that proves otherwise.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life checking up on her? Feeling insecure every time she is away from you? Waiting to find out about guy number 5?

Although she had cheated before with a previous fiance, I don't feel she is a serial cheater

She has had at least 4 affair partners, and I suspect you only know the tip of the iceberg regarding all of her infidelities.

But even if 4 is the correct number, that pretty much defines serial cheater.