SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Most of you feel that she has had sex with him more than 10 times. While this may be true I don't believe that the total number is that much more if any. There just wasn't enough opportunity.

You would be very surprised at how much "opportunity" there is when people are motivated. Many around here have said the same thing, "There just wasn't time for them to do this" only to find out that it didn't take much time at all.

Over the past 3 years (And I wouldn't believe a year of EA leading to a PA, just doesn't feel right, the sex started earlier, lasted longer and was more frequent than she is admitting) she has had more than enough chances to see him for 15 minutes here and there. You are being a bit naive to believe her now after 3 years of lies.

Perhaps the exact number does not matter to you and I get that. 1, 10, 100? Who cares? It is all cheating. The issue though with this is the continued lying. I don't think you have all the truth. Which means she is still not through with deceiving you and that is the problem.

Why do you still profess to love her? You won't married but 5 years when she started cheating on you. She has cheated many times before and whether you want to admit it or not she is a serial cheater. Ask yourself what is she going to do at 10 years, 15 years, or 20 years. Do you really think she is going to stop, considering her record? Does she even say, with conviction, that she truly loves you or is she using your security as a means to conduct her life the way she wants. She has no integrity, no loyalty, no commitment. So what does she have that commands so much of the qualities you give her? She had sex in your house. This is major disrespect. Was the sex in your bed? You really need to rethink the person your wife really is. You need to consider what your life is going to be like in a future with her. What is her purpose for staying with you? Think hard. I do wish you well.

At this time you are seeing what you want to see to give yourself hope.

For what?

We each bring a perspective from our own experience and I’m no different. I chose to reconcile for many reasons but the main was that I love my husband and could see that a lot of his pain and acting out came from FOO issues. We fumbled around for a few years not being very serious about doing the work. I was a SAHM for 21 years and needed to be self sufficient. Once I went back to work and was promoted to a management position, he got real serious. All that is to say that R can be done. Both parties have to want the same thing and dig in. It took us 3 years to truly work through the junk and life pattern we’d created around it. Hard weekly IC for years and EMDR for my husband who still continues to treat. But we made it to the other side. Whatever you choose, give it everything you’ve got. Hang in there, good to see you prioritizing self care. I was a hot mess that shut down.

You can’t get his wife by LinkedIn or Facebook because he is either controlling those accounts, has blocked you or has created a cover story about some crazy parent from the old school that is stalking him.

It’s critical that you get in touch with her. Beyond critical. It’s the best way to get info by orders of magnitude and if you want to ‘let it play out’ like you say then you are not getting that without the full 100% truth.

Although she had cheated before with a previous fiance, I don't feel she is a serial cheater.

Out of sheer curiosity, why do you think this? Am perplexed at how you arrived at this thought.

the "it was a mistake thing" really gets me. how can a mistake last three years?

that's not a problem of it "being a mistake", but being a problem of character. Entitlement. This feels good so I will keep doing it. Feeling good is more important to me that my husband, my marriage, and the future welfare of my children.

she cheated with you AND her fiance?

my gut is telling me you should run dude. Seriously, that's some ingrained shit.

Think of this - you reconcile. You bond like you have never had before. Best sex. Deep connection. All flowers and roses.

Fast forward ten years, you drift slightly apart. Things, as they always do in (good marriages) get boring and staid. Has she changed so much that you 're not going to wonder just who the fuck she is texting on teh phone. IS she REALLY going out with friends tonight, etc. Think long term.

I am no expert, but you need to see real true remorse. You need to see her putting work in. Otherwise, you might reconcile and bond, but that will morph into probably something similar to waht you already had in your marriage - what she going to do then? and yes, she is a serial cheater. She has betrayed in the most horrific way partners TWICE.

mate - look into narcissism too - in particular Narcissistic Discard.

oh just read that she cheated with fiance 3 times with 3 different men.

okay and this helped me, really think this through - this question:

"If i accept her back, just what i am accepting back".

really think this through. let it roll around in your mind and answer it as thoroughly as possible.

PGA, she doesn't need to cheat on the same man to be a serial cheater. And even if she did, she would still qualify as one. Cheating just needs to become a pattern and 4 times is definitely a pattern of behavior. There may also be more OM that you don't know about maybe because the encounters with them were very short lived.

What is she doing to fix this? What is she willing to do? Will she get IC to find out why she keeps cheating on the men she says she wants to commit to?

You are probably reeling right now, both from events and from all the blunt advice you are getting here. But the posts here truly ALL are meant to help you. We all loved our WSs and thought they were “different” and we could “move forward.” But the other term for that is “rugsweeping” and it does not work.

Go back and read posts from Trdd and Fareast; they got it right. Without consequences, and secure that you will not leave, your WW will not hit the “panic” stage necessary for her to do the hard work. So talk to a lawyer and draw up divorce papers so you have them in hand (and let her know you do). Prepare a list of assets, joint and separate, and have the house appraised. This is all useful for retirement planning in any event, but it also will show her she needs to EARN reconciliation.

If she reads the “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” book (you read it too) you will find out pretty quickly if she is up to the task. Being an admitted 4-time cheater she may not be, and you need to face that, but I understand the desire to try. Just do it from a position of strength that really shows her what is on the line.

[This message edited by Odonna at 9:57 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Although she had cheated before with a previous fiance, I don't feel she is a serial cheater.

Why do you feel this way?

Also, just a reminder that all posters here have been through infidelity. Lots of posters have also read hundreds of stories. There is a pattern to cheaters, and sometimes things are different but not often. It’s hard to read the answers here but all posters here have your best interest in mind.

Take care of yourself. This is not a sprint, it’s a marathon.

Today has been a pretty good day..... so far. I really believe that just being able to post what happened here has allowed me to get a better perspective on the scope of the affair. Again, I have no one to talk to about this.

I genuinely want to thank each and every one of you for your insight and advice. I've ordered the book recommended by most of you, started looking for a counselor for my wife and have tasked her with producing a time line of her actions.

She may be serial cheater... I know.. I hope that with the right guidance this can change. She says she wants to, but... time will tell.

I still desperately want to reach out to the other man's wife to be sure that she is aware. Not only for her, but for my piece of mind. They moved their family to Europe for work and will only be gone for a year. Then moving right back to our neighborhood. That's another worry I have... will it pick up right where it left off? Its a small town and I'm sure that I'll see them again. How will I deal with that?

Any more thought as to what initial steps I should take to:

Connect with the other mans wife?

Have my wife do, to help her realize her actions and consequences?

Any other thoughts?

edit- Have any of you every wished you just never found out?

Thanks again

[This message edited by Pgapro at 9:03 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Wow. He's coming back to your neighborhood in less than a year? That's a new wrinkle that puts this whole thing in a different light.

How exactly did you find out about this Affair? I don't think that's been made clear. Are you certain that they are not in communication? Are you certain the Affair is just not on pause? You say it ended but I assume you are going off what your WW told you. How do you know for sure it ended? Why did it end? Because he moved or because of something else? The fact that he is coming back changes everything I think.

Sorry, I should have made it more clear as to how I found out.

I was randomly looking at my wifes phone, and opened up her text messages and saw a heart emoji sent to the other man. I opened it up and started reading. Unfortunately, or fortunately, most of the texts were deleted, but I definitely saw things like, send me more pics, I'll miss you, when can I see you again.

I confronted her that night and she admitted to having sex with him. Over the past month I dug deeper and found out some terrible things that I've also confronted her about and shes admitted to. She has answered every question, but I still believe that here is more she's not telling me.

I think it ended for 2 reasons, me finding out and him moving.

Ok so let's go back to some basics here.

1. Has there been some sort of definitive No Contact letter/communication sent to the OM? Did you see it or just hear about it?

2. Is your WW being completely transparent at this time with her location and electronic communication? Can you see where she is at all times? Can you see her phone whenever you want? Her email? Her call logs?

3. Has she set up any sort of counseling for herself to find out why she did this?

4. Has she read anything like "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair"? Any books like that?

5. Has she apologized to you? Has she expressed remorse at all?

6. Has she defended the OM to you? Called him a good guy? Asked you not to contact his wife or him?

I have a bad feeling that this whole thing is just waiting to pick back up when he gets back.

If you re-read the posts on the first page of your thread, including my lengthy one there, I think you will see a checklist of things to take action on. They are easy to write but each takes time, understanding and effort to set up and execute.

Post specific questions on any of these things here. Or anything you see in the healing library including the 180 process. There are a lot of experienced people here who can answer the detailed questions you will have.

As far as finding the OBS in Europe... I don't know. You've checked social media, right? Call the post office and ask for their forwarding address... I think they will give it to you. If you send a letter, do not use your return address because he may screen it out. Also, there are search engines online for locating people and phone numbers... I am not sure if they work well.

1. Has there been some sort of definitive No Contact letter/communication sent to the OM? Did you see it or just hear about it?

I told him in person not to contact her or there will be dire consequences. And told her the same.

2. Is your WW being completely transparent at this time with her location and electronic communication? Can you see where she is at all times? Can you see her phone whenever you want? Her email? Her call logs?

Yes, I can look at anything I want at any time

3. Has she set up any sort of counseling for herself to find out why she did this?

We are currently looking for counselors in our area. Nothing set up yet. I just found this website 2 days ago and am taking your recommendations.

4. Has she read anything like "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair"? Any books like that? On order, will be here tomorrow.

5. Has she apologized to you? Has she expressed remorse at all? Yes, many times.

6. Has she defended the OM to you? Called him a good guy? Asked you not to contact his wife or him? Yes, she defended him by saying that he was sad and she felt bad for him. Yes again, she didn't want me to tell anyone.

I have a bad feeling that this whole thing is just waiting to pick back up when he gets back.

That is my biggest fear!

False R's happen. If you change nothing or not do proper exposure repeats can happen.

Just because you found out doesnt mean it'll end.

Figure out how to expose to his wife. You do this without warning.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:12 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]