SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry this is so long, I don't share at all, and this ended up being cathartic so I kept going. This helped a lot.

D-Day is 4 weeks ago, I have been reading posts here for two weeks or so. We were married for 31 years, led a normal life, I would never have expected to do anything that features in Penthouse Forum but also never thought I would be posting here. I was half right.

I didn't find this site until two weeks in. I started to suspect 6 months ago but thought I was crazy. More and more odd things, phone password protected, I checked into a hotel we hadn't stayed at for several years for work and got a free night because it was our fourth stay in the past year. What really got me was her being ok with me working late.

Ultimately I found out when we were going away for a weekend. It was supposed to be at some rustic lodge but then it changed to the city, just a few blocks from work. And the date changed, to a weekend I said I am sure I will be busy.

The first night I was a little late, but we went to dinner and had a decent night. The second day I got up early for work and was going to surprise her by leaving work at 3 instead of my usual 7. I left at 330, and went to the hotel. She wasn't in the room but the sheets were a mess. I went to the lobby bar, not there either. Then I went to fitness area and she was in the hot tub with a guy from work she at first hated, then praised, then nothing, never heard his name again.

The idea that I am dumb enough to believe that a) she was hoping I would come back early b) this was a great way to mend her bad relationship with a coworker, and c) his underwear were on the floor next to the bed because she was using the bathroom.

I did a lot right, I suppose. My initial instinct was to beat him like a drum but it occurred to me while he knew we were married he wasn't married to me and never made any commitment to me, she was the problem. The second smart thing was I did an immediate 180, even though I didn't know what one was, it came easy.

No idea what comes next. She lied at first, said it was starting to cross the line and thank God I went to the hotel early, then she said they kissed once. Ridiculous. It took me all of about an hour to figure out from credit cards that it had been going on for three months. She finally confessed, but to be honest I don't care, 31 years of marriage and it struck me if this is a lie what else was a lie?

Both of us work, kids are on their own now and doing well, so I have no dog in the hunt, as it were, I am going to do what I want. I haven't decided yet. At first it was my fault, I work too much. That hurt. While she works it wasn't nearly enough to pay the mortgage, send two kids to prestigious and ludicrously expensive universities. That all came from 12 hour days. I do a lot around the house, I spent and still spend a lot of time with kids, and always made time for us. I called bs and 48 hours later she said she was broken, didn't deserve me, we should do counselling.

I don't feel like there is a we anymore so maybe counselling some day but I need time to myself. It feels good to be back in shape again, I am very happy seeing friends I haven't seen in years, and I stress a lot less about getting home late. After last nights crying and begging I realize I don't know what I want to do but won't do anything until I decide. I laughed at a tv show last night, smiled when I saw a mom cleaning ice cream off of her daughter's shirt this afternoon, and finished a project early today and am leaving work early. I am not sure if this is shock or just how normal people live. I learned a new term here, rug sweeping, I don't think I am doing this, I am well aware of what happened, she has read a book about how to fix thing and is very open, I think maybe this is who I am for a while.

Sorry you good people are here too, this is a place I never imagined necessary.

I am sorry she did this to you. You have time to decide what you want to do. Take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, drink water, exercise.

So sorry this happened to you. You will get through this, Every one reacts to cheating differently. You maybe detaching, If so this may mean cheating is a deal breaker for you then again you my be in shock. I think at the moment it is too soon to tell. But use this time to look inward and ask yourself if you see yourself staying married to her after this. Good luck....

Zirconia, welcome and sorry you've found us.

What you should be looking for is consistency in her ACTIONS. Just assume that everything she says is a lie or a the very least a minimized version of what really happened.

then she said they kissed once.

This is the #2 lie that ALL cheaters tell. Be prepared the this is just the tip of the iceberg. Underwear on the floor? Come on.

Just know that none of this is your fault. Don't let her blame any part of it on you. This is 100% her fault.

48 hours later she said she was broken, didn't deserve me, we should do counselling.

Funny how after they blow up the marriage they suddenly want to go to counseling. Bull shit. That's a bunch of self pity. NOT REMORSE.

What is she doing to make herself a safe partner? Did she leave that job? Is she fully transparent as to her whereabouts and with the passwords to her electronics? Is she seeking IC to fix what's broken inside of her?

Take as much time to figure out if she's worthy of the gift of R. Right now she's not even close to being an appropriate candidate.

Good luck. Keep posting.

[This message edited by squid at 5:41 PM, August 29th, 2019 (Thursday)]

You are smarter than most.

Jumping into MC is a bad idea on so many level. (50% chance you'll get a moron.)

Going your own way and taking the time to figure out what you want. You will get much clarity and reflecting back you'll probably see much you ignored or didn't pay attention to at the time.

You owe her nothing. Yourself everything.

I don’t know how you contained yourself and didn’t punch the hell out of the AP. You’re a better man than me.

[This message edited by Mene at 5:46 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

No need to decide what you want right away.

You can take your time detach and wait watch her actions.

You did NOTHING to cause this. She chose to do this. Whatever she chose to do had nothing to with who you are the spouse you were if you worked too much/little, were too mean/kind, paid too much/little attention. None of that has to do with her Choice to cheat. Not once but lies over and over again.

In the time you are taking to find yourself again I urge you to do a few things for your well being and self interest.

1. See an attorney. Doesn't matter what you choose or dont choose. You cannot make an informed decision without all the options being understood and clear.

2. See your dr. Get full STD testing. This includes a physical exam and blood work. let your dr know what you are going through. If you aren't sleeping or eating. If so consider medication to help. Without sleep and good nutrition you aren't at your best and able to make solid sound decisions. Additionally thos is a huge trauma. ask for a referral for a therapist. For many of us here it is the most traumatic thing you have ever been through.

3. Figure out what your boundaries are and your must have from her. Be ready to demand what you want and need. be ready to carry through with consequences.

Keep reading. keep posting. There are many wonderful people here who will support you and walk you through this.

Welcome Zirconia

It sounds like you are facing this all in a good way. I wish I had been more like you. Instead I went through months of hell digging and investigating, threatening and bluffing to get at the truth. I still haven't managed to detach from the situation and figure I know about half of what actually went on. I have left him but I am far from out of this mess. I think my heart is still more in than out.

I'm so sorry you were treated this way. I really think they have no idea that there selfishness causes this life altering pain and trauma. Obviously they don't see it because they can't. If they had the same emotional investment we do they wouldn't have wanted to cheat. Therefore, when they cheated they couldn't possibly see it. Or maybe I have no idea what I am talking about.

Best of luck with however you want this to end for you.

After last nights crying and begging I realize I don't know what I want to do but won't do anything until I decide

Self protection mode. The tears are for her because she regrets getting caught. Part of the cheater code is "I deserve a second chance" no matter what. Umm that's not really written or guaranteed anywhere.

You should at a minimum inform her other mans wife. Do so without warning (especially your wife).

If they work together the affair is ongoing. They will probably hide it better though.

It sounds like you could teach a class on how to react to your spouse cheating. You’re handling it like a boss. It’s all about YOU now. You do what you need to do for you. No rush to make any life altering decisions. She already made the worst decision of her life. Again, now it’s your time to do what you need for you. Stay the course.

Zirconia,

You’re doing great!

Your Cheater is responsible to do ALL the work to fix this, not you.

There’s nothing you could have done to prevent this. It’s ALL. On her!

You’re going to feel worse soon. Please remember that it’s not you, but the selfish monster you married.

(((Hugs)))

One thing that makes me angry about cheaters.They know as well as any sane adult that. " No one has ever helped their marriage, By stepping out side of it!" Your wife knew this yet she did it anyway! This is something you and everyone who has been cheated on, Should really think about......

I agree you are on a good path. Take care of you. Figure out what you want.

Do inform the OM’s betrayed W. She deserves to know she is living a lie.

I would like to thank everyone, stunning really, I expected a quick shrug of the shoulders, it doesn't make sense I was this dense, then I read these replies and for the third time in 4 weeks I am smiling. I can't believe it, I read a post from someone who has been at this as long as I have and kids my age. I read posts with great advice. Every post has been positive.

I spent a week or so thinking there is no good in the world, then three weeks thinking it doesn't matter. I was going to see if I could find something on tv tonight but instead I am off to the health club. I am flat as a board, zero energy, if the world knew how much effort it takes to fool them into thinking I am engaged they would leave me alone. Then I see these posts and I caught a second wind. Thanks to everyone.

Very few hit the ground running like you have. I gotta be honest it's like a breath of fresh air to see this.

Extremely impressive so far.

It's hard to see early but you'll get through this.

The ones who get strong upfront and stay there always get there quicker and with a lot less pain to boot.

Right now you’re trying to decide what to do next. No definitive decisions should be made at this point-unless you decide to just D and walk away. The adrenaline your experiencing compels you to take action, to save the marriage or run! Instead, use this time and energy to control damage and protect yourself. Lay down strict boundaries and conditions, full transparency, full disclosure, insure NC, protect finances, retain an attorney, file for possible divorce, do “The 180”, investigate, collect evidence, do a damage assessment and learn the full scope of the affair, inform the other betrayed spouse, demand an STD test, etc, etc

Then, once your work is done and the adrenaline wares off...

Sit back and watch how she reacts to all this. If she’s truly R material she will proactively mount a sustained reconciliatory effort, without hesitation, moans and mumbles, attitude, blow back, excuses, blame shifting, lies and minimizing. She’ll make whatever sacrifices are necessary and be endlessly patient with you-in the spirit of trying to save someone/something truly precious and all-important, akin to a mother trying to save her dying child (you and your marriage) on life-support.

You and your marriage are critically injured, on life support and it’s entirely up to HER to save you. Saving YOU and fixing her, takes priority over saving the marriage. All you need to do is tell her what you need. Guide her a bit. Look for empathy. Empathy is key. It’s what separates us from the impulsive beasts of the jungle. Without empathy, there could be no such higher ordered concept as Marriage-or especially, reconciliation followed, in time, with forgiveness.

If you’re not seeing this, feeling this...walk away and never look back. It’s either over or, it never really was what you both thought it was.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:55 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

You only live once. It sounds like you’re making this mountain into a bump. Great job!

Have you talked to any attorney yet?

Have you contacted the other guy’s wife about the affair?

What does the lawyer think about complaining to their work?

Have you exposed the affair to her family and the kids?

I wish you nothing but luck and strength.

Hang in there. You will survive and things will get much, much better

Zirconia,

You sound like a person with a great head on your shoulders. You kept you cool, and implemented the 180 straightaway. Bravo.

You are already way ahead of the game by implementing the 180 so quickly.

Use this time to centre yourself. The ground will wobble under you (it may not have hit you yet, but it will come), so get ready for it. You will be getting a ticket to the emotional roller-coaster ride.

In summary, you are taking the correct initial steps.

PS - I do hope that you are not placing any blame on yourself for your WW's A. If you are, DON'T. If you are not, WELL DONE!